Conflicted about my feelings

[Alex39]

I feel conflicted. I've been seeing this guy for about two months now. We aren't official and we only see each other about twice a week with a lot of texting in between. I like him. He makes me feel good, confident, smart, and attractive. He seems to like me. I'm 25 and he's 28. We both are family oriented which is nice. He still lives with his parents though, which is kind of a con, especially for his age. But he keeps mentioning wanting to move out and seems to have ideas of where he will go. He treats me really well and we have good times together. He caters to me. Always drives to see me and asks how I am. He has something wrong with his teeth but it isn't that bad. It does bother me a bit because I take pride in my teeth and I think he sometimes neglects his. He also isn't college educated and I am going for a masters degree. He has a good job though. I guess I just always wanted someone who went to college like me. I wanted someone with white, nice teeth. His aren't bad, but he has some really bad tartar on one or two of them thats very noticeable.

 

I feel so trapped because I am seeing him tonight and my girl friend asked me to go out tonight. I really wanted to go out so bad. So I asked him if he wanted to go out with us. He said he didn't feel like going out. So I turned down my girl friend to stay in with him. If I don't see him tonight then our work week start and we don't see each other very much until next weekend. I'm still wanting to go out. Inside I feel guilty and bad for wanting to go out without him. In that sense, I also feel like maybe me wanting to go out more than doing something with him that my feelings aren't strong enough for him. I have severe fear of missing out because I'm staying in and doing nothing with him.

 

I feel content, but its not passionate or exciting. My friends and family think I am expecting too much. That I am used to drama, as my past guys were never stable, so this normal stable relationship is boring for me. I guess I just feel blah about him. Sometimes I really like him and other times I think of going back online to see if I can do better

 

Like tonight, he just left my house. We had a good time. We ate, cuddled, and watched movies. I just kept looking at social media and saw all people I know with their boyfriends or their friends, dressed up for halloween and having fun. I wish we were out, but we weren't. Then a super awkward moment happened. He comes in and we are talking at my kitchen table as I cook. He always puts his keys and wallet out on my table from his pocket. He did as usual, but then I look down and out with his stuff was a condom. I don't know if he didn't notice. I kept trying not to stare, because I was surprised. I think he eventually noticed because I saw him then grab his keys and such and then I saw him trying to conceal it and he ended up just putting it all back in his pocket. I liked the thought of him being prepared, but then I felt weird. Did he expect us to have sex? I don't know how I feel about that. We haven't talked about it or our status or anything too personal. Now I feel pressured that he expects sex.

[ScottTN]

I’ll just say this. As a guy I was told to always be prepared. So in that sense maybe he was thinking - hey tonight my lead to sex. Best to be prepared. If he really likes you then he’s thinking of having sex with you. Don’t sweat it so much - if he didn’t pressure you then it should all be good. And listen - I’m 36 and I still try to be discrete about the condoms when I’m first with a woman. The deal is - as a man you feel pressured that you “can’t make her feel like you’re just trying to get laid- you like her as a person”. And that’s all true - even nice guys want to get laid but they don’t want to seem like a pig. It’s tough as a guy. You gotta be prepared in case it happens but you can’t make it seem like you are too eager.

 

I would say this - if you like him then don’t be so worried about being guilty you skipped on your friends. When you are in love then it’s normal tocwant to want to spend time with the person you are with. And if you really wanted to go to a costume party - next time just plan it in advance and go get costumes together etc... just communicate with the guy - he was probably really tired and didn’t know or didn’t occur to him you wanted to go out and dress up.

 

And with his teeth - seriously- just being it up in a constructive way. Hell - maybe just help find out who is his dentist and book the poor guy an appointment. Sometimes guys aren’t aware of it and no other dude is gonna call him out on his teeth unless they are like homeless man falling out.

[Alex39]

I just guess I don't know how I feel. I keep wanting to see what else is out there, but I sort of feel like if I went out or talked to other guys that it would be me almost cheating on him. He treats me the right way, but he isn't anything I ever wanted in a guy. No college, no good straight white teeth, not my ideal style of dress, not my ideal personality. He's also just so tired all the time. Like last weekend I wanted to see him on Sunday before I had dinner plans with my girl friend. He wouldn't commit to a plan with me, slept until 1 PM and by then him getting ready and driving to me and such, it was too late for him to do anything with me, so I barely saw him that weekend at all. I mentioned that he should wake up earlier, but he didn't say anything and slept half the day. He does prioritize me, but sometimes I notice little immature things that make me question. Like he was with a girl for 6 years and they never lived together and he never moved out and thats concerning to me. He does mention moving out now, but why has he lived with his parents and he's 28 years old.

[katrina1980]

Just dump him already, Jesus!

 

You don't need a reason, you are not 'feeling it' - that is reason enough.

 

You think you are doing him a favor by staying? You're not; to the contrary you are being quite selfish and unfair to HIM.

 

It's so obvious you are NOT into him, you would NOT have posted all this **** if you were, come on.

 

No straight white teeth, he dresses "wrong," no college, you don't like his personality, what the hell!!

 

But I get it, he's "caters" to you and gives you lots of attention, ugh.

 

amkxoxo, no disrespect but what's going on with you?

 

From reading ALL your numerous threads, not just on this forum but others too, your pattern is clear.

 

The guys who DONT want you, who treat you like utter crap, you become literally obsessed with. For MONTHS.

 

The guys who show interest in you, who treat you "right," you feel disdain for.

 

You need to resolve this otherwise you will never find true passion or happiness with any man.

 

Sadly, like all the other advice you've been given, this will probably go in one ear and out the other but I tried.

 

Best of luck.

[JustMizz]

You're just not that into him, and you need to admit it to yourself and cut him loose.

 

I felt the guy I am currently seeing wasn't my type after our first date, but I decided to give him another try. After the second date, all of the doubts I had melted away.

 

My mom gave me some good advice. She said, "if he's right for you, you eventually won't even notice the things you're getting hung up on. It will all melt away".

 

I'm still getting to know my guy, but my mom was right. The more I like him, the less I even notice the quirks I thought he had.

 

You've been seeing this guy for 2 months and seem to not be able to get over his teeth, his lack of education, etc.

 

You want to see what else is out there, so go find it.

[Batya33]

If you're having regular "grass is always greener" feelings -go check out the grass and let him find someone who doesn't feel that way (fleeting, sure - especially with Facebook, FOMO is real!). I had those feelings when I was in the wrong relationship or dating the wrong guy.

 

And do not date anyone who hasn't at least finished college or is about to finish college later in life. That is something you will know right away, and if he doesn't have plans to go ASAP then pass on that person because you already know you'll feel like you're settling.

 

I also agree with Katrina that you're still into chasing the drama - and this guy is solid, stable and into you. Don't keep him around though while you figure that out -let him go and find someone who wants what he wants and is into him.

 

As far as him being tired and not wanting to go out - he probably works very hard and travels to see you which is tiring. and maybe you two just aren't that compatible.

 

One more suggestion and I should take it myself sometime -if you want a long term relationship and you're just getting to know someone, put your phone away and stop looking at social media while you're with him, even if you two are "just" watching a movie. Watch the movie together, chat when you feel like it, no phones or screens. About 4 years ago I worked even more on my listening skills with my husband and got into the habit, when he wanted to tell me something or talk, to put everything down, look away from the TV if it was on and focus 100% on what he was saying -and I mean not thinking about what to say next. The reason it started then is because my mother in law was dying and I had no idea how to support him the right way because he's on the private/reserved side -it was horrible and tragic - but I knew I could at least listen intently and attentively when he spoke (especially about his mother) - and I never told him I was doing that, I just did it.

 

JMHO!

[Alex39]

I see what you are saying. I like this guy, its not that I don't. Like yesterday he came over and we had a great time and I was able to look past all the things I didn't like.

 

I noticed something today at work that got me internally thinking about myself and my life.

 

I am passive, and kind of afraid to try new things. I have always been this way. Deep down I want to try, but I have always needed a push. I always see fun things that I might enjoy but always need encouragement from an outside source. I think this stems from my mother as a child. She always coordinated everything for me, so now I like it when someone sort of pushes me into things, as its comfortable for me. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, I just think its apart of my personality.

 

There is a guy who is new at my work and he and I talk. I'm attracted to him. Today I kept thinking about why I was attracted to him. He's cute, smart, etc...

 

But I am attracted to him because he is exciting. He pushes the envelope. He wants to do exciting things like visit new places, try new restaurants, and hike new destinations. Things I am too afraid to do, but would love to do. I see these types of guys as exciting and fresh. I literally went all googly eyes once over a guy whom ordered duck at a restaurant for us, and made me try it. I never had, but I had to at that moment because of him, and I loved it. It was a fun new experience.

 

I always pick these guys. I see them as my ticket out of my boring 9-5 life. I like my life. I made it comfortable for me. Knowing your next step is safe for me. I am a worry wart. But I think deep down I seek something more. I am attracted to these free spirit fun guys who I think will have me doing new things. And I do. I try new things with them and I love it, but they are never ever stable and always end up leaving me for the next new goal in life.

 

This guy I have been seeing isn't exciting. He lives the same life as me. Boring. He doesn't add any excitement to my life. He doesn't push me. He encourages me to do things like see my family and nice gestures, but he doesn't push me to go beyond myself. I think I seek that in a guy. Someone who takes control and adds spice to my life, when I am too afraid to do it myself.

 

I feel bad, because I like this guy. He's safe and comforting. I think thats what I will want in the end. But I will always be attracted to the guys who aren't settled, because its unknown. I plan my life step by step. I am a planner. So not knowing is freaky to me, but also exciting. I seek men to bring this into my life, and I think as long as I keep seeing them I will keep being left and let down by them.

[Batya33]

You like him but you're not into him for long term romantic stuff. And it's early days so don't settle.

 

Please don't blame your mom. She did her best. Now you're an adult and you get to make adult choices. I'm not into risk taking to the extent I see my friends having all these adventures, etc but I push my envelope as often as I can mostly with great results. And no I wasn't brought up to push the envelope -I'm an adult, I make adult choices. I can relate to your mother coordinating everything and why she did that - and not in a judgy way. I'm a mom and I see that tendency and the other tendency and everything in between. No parenting manual.

 

Fine -you like guys who dare to be different, who have an edge - and at the same time will they want to be your "motivator" or will they want to meet someone who is self-motivated? And do you want that for a lifetime, or just for dating stages, etc -think about it because there are downsides/sacrifices too -depends on the degree to which they're adventurous and how that affects more settled decisions like marriage and children. Nothing wrong with wanting that type of person -with those attributes -great to know yourself -but just have eyes wide open. And let Mr. Safe go now before you get deeper in.

[James516]

It must be comforting, though, to have the upper hand of being able to criticize or analyze everything about the guy as this continues on. I would bet if this guy dumps you tomorrow, there would be a rush to try to get him back. This is classic early 20's. If no drama, create drama. Meanwhile, you can also analyze other guys around you as potentially being better... but having the safety of never actually having to go through an attempt to date them or face rejection since you're still with this guy.

 

I think you are far too passive to do anything towards ending this dating relationship but I encourage you to end it very soon. You need a few more years of dating different guys to get the experience out of your system before the possibility of enjoying stability can happen.

[Batya33]

I'll give you an example from my own past. At age 23 I ended a brief engagement to Mr. Right Now. A month earlier I'd met Mr. Excitement who was 22 (ex fiancee was a few years older) but nothing happened - but what a hottie. Shortly after we broke up I met Mr. Excitement again (mutual friends) and another guy who was a few years older, and far more settled in life because of life circumstances (his parents died when he was in college so he had to be more independent). Mr. Excitement and the Other Guy each asked me out. Mr. Excitement told me on the first date that he didn't want to get married ever and if he did it wouldn't be until he was at least 30. He loved to party, loved going out with the guys, drank a bit too much and also super smart and in grad school . He'd had one intense relationship of less than a year.

 

Mr. Other Guy had already been engaged and wanted marriage and a family. He was very serious about me and very reliable/predictable. Mr. Excitement sort of played hard to get. I actually was quite attracted to Other Guy but there was no way he was going to put up with me dating Mr. Excitement too (they were classmates in grad school and even lived near each other). So after 5 dates or so he made me choose. I chose Mr. Excitement. Mr. Other Guy met someone else at some point after who was his future wife. I dated Mr. Excitement on and off for 3 years. It was exciting, we had road trips, adventures, so much dancing, partying (I didn't drink but he did, too much at times but that stopped at some point). He broke it off with me a few times because he was unsure and of course that made me want him more.

 

The last time we got back together he became very serious about me and very focused on settling down. I don't think I was turned off because of the "no drama" -I think I realized that through all the drama we actually didn't communicate very well -he was kind of cold and distant and I'd feel alone too much of the time when I was with him. So when he proposed -huge surprise! - in public at a restaurant, I said no and we broke up. I actually met Other Guy again a year later -he was on a business trip and we were going to meet up - but he was still dating his future wife. We ended up not meeting up.

 

He was my "one that got away" for some time. I am not telling you to settle at all (oh and Mr. Excitement is happily married to a man -turned out he came out as gay a year or so after we broke up) - not at all -I think you should end things with Mr. Boring but evaluate what you're really needing here -and if it's the excitement that comes from unavailability be honest with yourself. If it's just that you want someone who wants adventures/to travel, who is well educated, that's another thing.

[Alex39]

Thank you Batya for telling that story. It was very insightful. It’s crazy, because when you described the moment when you realized Mr. Excitement wasn't the one for you, was similar to what I went through with my ex. I realized he was never going to fully make me happy, I felt alone, and it broke me immediately of his spell. I saw it for what it really was, which was dragging me down and not moving me forward. I too realized that we just didn't communicate in the right way with each other. It’s funny, because I see now he is with this girl, someone I never ever thought he would be with. She looks way older than him, very "Jersey Shore" if you know what I mean. I am not that way at all.

 

I like Mr. Boring, because he's comfortable and seems to want a relationship. He treats me well and appreciates me and we get along really well. He told me he wants me to meet his family soon. I am starting to fall for him, but I still have reservations and I am not sure if I am overreacting? I don't want to kick him to the curb in search of perfection, because I know I have flaws. Something recently that is sort of eating at me is that I question if he is really lazy. I mean, he still lives with his parents, at 28 years old. He has it made. They buy groceries, he doesn't pay a thing. They let him sleep until all hours. He sleeps until 1PM or later on the weekends. It’s a little immature personally. He doesn’t work late. He works at the latest until 7PM. Like the other day, he had to come to my house at 12PM, because we were going to this thing far away that we had tickets for. He literally told me to not make it earlier than that, because 12 was a lot for him. That's insane. I asked him what if I needed him there at 9AM. He said he might say No to it, and then he laughed and said he would go to it. But I question if he would. Then that night since we were going to be out late, I had told him he could stay with me at my house.

 

When we got back, I asked if he was coming in. He refused and said he was going home. I asked why, since it was so late, and he said he wanted to stay up late and that I seemed tired and ready for bed. I was so baffled. A pretty girl you’ve been dating asks you to stay over her house with her, and he turned it down. Of course the next day he woke up really late and didn’t get to my house until 4PM. That’s a little ridiculous to me. If I have plans at night, he doesn’t wake up earlier to come see me, he just doesn’t see me or meet me. I have told him I would come to him. Then this upcoming weekend, he convinced me to travel to go see some of my family, because he wanted to spend some time with his own. I am super family oriented, so I like this. But then, my girlfriends, started asking if we would see each other during the week instead. I told them no, because he doesn’t come to see me or make plans for me to meet him at all during the week. Lazy. They were shocked. Now I am not going to see him for two weeks. That’s a little crazy to me. He doesn’t work all day Monday. I have told him that he could meet me for dinner when I get out of work at 4:30, but he doesn’t and claims he has work the next day. Even if he comes at 4:30 he could leave by 7 or 8 and be home early, but he won’t.

 

And even with his job. He does a lot of driving with his job. He does sales so he has to drive all around one region and sell. His region is all around where he lives. Recently, he is complaining that they are going to change his region. His new region might be a half an hour away. To me, that is nothing. I have co-workers whom are travelling 45 minutes to an hour for work. He keeps complaining and complaining about the distance. I understand change is hard, but I question if its laziness. He tells me he tries to do the minimum at his job. Again, lazy. He makes a base pay and then commission for everything he sells. He could sell more, but he doesn’t want to put in the effort to do so, thus not making more money. Then I have questioned his goals within his job. He says he wants something better, but he has also sort of expressed to me that he doesn’t really want to move up and have a bigger work load. Laziness.

 

I am not saying I don’t have my lazy times, I do. I just like motivated people. I work hard and I try hard and I like someone who wants more.

[Batya33]

Are you looking for perfection or someone who is a good match for you? Big difference. I also would not be ok with the living at home since he can afford to move out and is not paying rent/paying his own way. It sounds like you question his work ethic and maturity. I also would not be ok with not seeing someone for 2 weeks unless there was an emergency or he was out of town on business. But that's just me. It might work great for someone else.

 

I wouldn't label it as "lazy" because then you're naturally going to see everything he does with that bias.

[Alex39]

He scares me a bit. I am questioning his work ethic and maturity. Halloween was coming around. The Saturday before was a big day for young people like me for going out and having fun. My girl friend agreed to go out with me. I knew I was seeing him, but she told me to just bring him along. So I messaged him telling him my girlfriend and I wanted to go out, but that I really wanted him to go with us. I told him that we were going to dress up, but he didn't have to. I even expressed that we weren't going to go crazy, just a drink or two and some fun. He told me he didn't feel like going out, he was tired from work, but if I really wanted to go with my friend that I should go. I was surprised. It was one night. I didn't ask him to go out every weekend. It was a special occasion and I felt like it was just a fun thing. I was shocked he wouldn't go just because I wanted to just to be with me. I ended up staying in with him watching movies and such. I regretted it slightly. I felt like I missed out. I don't want that to become the norm. My girl friend had that with her ex, and she finally realized she was missing out on life.

[Batya33]

OK. Not everyone likes Halloween or going out on Halloween or for Halloween - not everyone likes to dress up or to be around people who are. Many people - "old" people too -go to Halloween events. I went to many Halloween parties and nights out -some I liked, some not so much. You should have gone with your friend if you wanted to go to a Halloween party. If Halloween is a special occasion to you fine just choose your battles. What about New Years, your birthday, Valentine's Day, etc - obviously he is not hugely into going out so pick your battles if you want to be with him.

[Alex39]

He went on vacation with his whole family. They rented a huge beautiful house. They went out to eat at nice restaurants, and he stayed back at the house the whole week. I was shocked, because I know the area and know the food is so good. Him and I talk about the restaurants. But he didnt go to any of them. He claimed the house was just too nice to leave.

 

If we went away with my parents, aunt, uncle, cousins etc... I would want to.go out to eat with them and I would expect him to go with us, because be would want to be with me.

[Batya33]

OK -so he has different ideas about how he enjoys being social or otherwise than you do. Nothing wrong with that and he's entitled to his preferences. But if those preferences are not compatible with yours to an extent they are a dealbreaker it's simple -don't date him. Let him find someone he is compatible with.

And it wouldn't hurt in general to be a bit more open minded (no, not because I think you should date him but generally). You don't know the whole story and even if it's just a preference, why judge? Why does someone "have to" sample the fancy food when the person travels if they would rather eat at home and explore in another way -or just relax?

 

And if you do travel with your family and you wanted to be with your SO who didn't want to go out to eat every night -you'd compromise, right?