I am in a sexless non relationship/relationship ..Dont know what to do.

[Kberry]

I've never considered trying a forum for this before but I am kind of desperate for answers, and to know whether or not I am a POS for the way I am feeling.

 

I am best friends with a man I met 3 years ago in real life, and knew for about 7 years (on and off) online before then. We started hanging out every day and in the beginning, were pretty 'active', all though he had just come out of a relationship and told me he would never want to be in one again.. I liked him as more than a friend but accepted this. We continued to have a sexual friendship and got extremely close. When he got evicted from his place, he moved in with me, we've been roommates for 2 of the 3 years we've known each other.

 

The closer we got as friends, the less we had a sexual relationship.. He finally admitted to me that he had 'weird feelings' about sex, wasn't very comfortable with it, and the more he got to respect a woman, the harder it was for him to have sex with her. (I suspect some things happened to him ..I think he knows sex is normal but cant help but view it as kind of dirty and disrespectful). He told me he was with his ex girlfriend for a year and they had sex maybe 4 times.

 

I accepted his feelings and stopped trying to get intimate with him, but for the past several months he has been referring to me as his girl/ girlfriend to everyone (except me), and gets very jealous and upset when I talk to other men. He is VERY affectionate, and very, very sweet. (he hugs me all the time, he kisses my cheek and says I love you before leaving.. everything we do is G-rated)

 

Because of his feelings I stopped having friends with benefits, and started asking him again if we could get intimate, he responds by wording it like it is a possibility in the future but the future never happens. We sleep in separate rooms, and he wont even kiss me on the lips.

 

I am still interested in sex, he isn't.. Is there any way to handle this without breaking his heart and ruining a friendship? Other than just remaining celibate? He has a lot of issues that I wont go into here, and I really do cherish our friendship, which is why I haven't done anything..but I feel like if I continue to not date anyone else while he and I nondate-date, I'm going to start resenting him. I have tried talking to him about my feelings but he gets upset and we usually end up arguing.

 

I am positive he isn't sleeping with anyone else, it's not that he's not interested in it with me, he's just not interested.

[Hollyj]

Sorry, but no. Also, if you are in love with him, you will have to cut contact.

 

It sounds like he needs therapy to deal with his issues.

 

Don't sacrifice your future and happiness to be with this man. He is not relationship material.

[reinventmyself]

You need to speak up for yourself. You can do so in an honest and compassionate way.

Bu his feelings or misgivings about it are his to deal with. You can't prevent him from whatever reaction he's going to have about it.

You also can't continue to sacrifice what's right for you for his sake.

 

Had he sold this arrangement to you up front and you knew the outcome, my guess is you would have passed on it.

It's evolved into something that works for him but isn't working for you.

 

And honestly. . there is no argument about this. It's not even debatable. He wants one thing and that's ok. You happen to want something different.

[Kberry]

Thank you both for the responses. I agree that in reality, he's not really relationship material (which is another reason I stopped pushing for it, but I do still really love him). when we talked online he talked A LOT about sex.. mostly about sex ..I found out (Much, much later) ..that he did so because he assumed that is what women want and he was just trying to adapt and be normal. Therapy would help him out a lot but he has very strong views on therapy, or I should say anti views.. (He calls them friends for hire, I think its because his father made him go when he was a child and he still resents that). I feel like I have made several efforts/changes and he has kind of tried but not really because he is in a comfort zone that he doesn't want to get out of. I am going to try to talk to him again (I also try so hard because he doesn't make enough to live alone, and he really has no where else to turn.. I care about him so throwing him out would break what little trust he had left in people and break my heart to do so) .. He has told me in the past that he realizes he's 'not really fit to take care of anyone' and he doesn't want to hold me back from anything but if I do ever get a partner he's going to be devastated.

 

I dont want to give up hope but I have been extremely patient. Im going to try to talk to him (again) and see if we can make any actual progress next time but you are right, there probably isn't much to debate.. His feelings on the matter are very clear and he knows mine.

[Helpmesavethis]

If he cannot give you the relationship you want/need, then he can get over you finding/being with someone else. If he doesn't like it, too bad..

[ThatwasThen]

How about you tell him that you'll stay together as each others primary partner but you're going to go elsewhere for your sexual needs. See what he says about that and if he doesn't want you to then you tell him well then, he's going to have to get therapy to get to the bottom of his adverse feelings towards sex. He baited and switched on you and that sucks (and not in the good way).

 

Does he have Madonna/ complex? The following is from the Wiki link on the subject.

In psychoanalytic literature, a Madonna–whore complex is the inability to maintain sexual arousal within a committed, loving relationship.[1] First identified by Sigmund Freud, under the rubric of psychic impotence,[2] this psychological complex is said to develop in men who see women as either saintly Madonnas or debased prostitutes. Men with this complex desire a sexual partner who has been degraded (the wh... ) while they cannot desire the respected partner (the Madonna).

 

Seems he was sexually fine when the two of you were just eff buddies.

[thealchemist]

Read up on Madonna - complex.

 

You know him better than us. Just thought I would throw it out there.

 

Just saw someone else also said this.

[reinventmyself]

I had to read that again.

He's gets upset when you talk to him about being intimate?

Have you actually told him that you are considering dating? and does he have an issue with that?

Because if he does, then he's incredibly selfish.

 

You signed up for an FWB's that explicitly told you - he did not want a relationship.

The sexual part of the relationship is no longer available and that leaves you as two friends, roommates?

 

I don't see what's stopping you from dating and if he does have problem with that then he's out of line.

It sounds like he's a got a pretty cushy arrangement with you, on his terms and doesn't want to lose it.

Meanwhile you've invested 3 years into this and what are you getting in return?

[Kberry]

Actually ..about the "Madonna complex" I've never heard that before but it sounds quite possible .. I am older than him but he goes out of his way to "protect" me from things, tries to keep me safe, refers to me as 'innocent' and thinks all of my guy friends are just trying to sleep with me (I have mostly male friends that I am platonic with..he thinks they all have ulterior motives)

 

I think the reason I put up with it is because besides the sex/intimacy part, and the ridiculous arguments we get into (they aren't screaming/angry ones.. I guess a better term would be long winded disagreements about things), he's very sweet and very caring. He gets upset when I try to talk about being intimate, but not angry..Or he'll just kind of blows me off . I suggested the idea of me getting a friends with benefits since he's not comfortable with it and I asked him how he'd feel about it and he teared up so I dropped it.. He views he as a girlfriend now even though we don't do anything, so in his mind it would be like I am cheating on him.

 

I have considered getting one and just not telling him but that feels sneaky and wrong, even though we aren't in a relationship. I am going to read up more on the Madonna complex to see if it fits but it would make sense. I think when we met he was still hung up on his ex so we were literally just ' sex buddies' in his head ..then he got over her and we got close and things stopped

[Kberry]

Reading a little more into it (havent gotten too far yet) .. I'm not sure if it applies because sometimes when we cuddle (he'll still do that), he gets an erection, but he doesn't say anything about it and since I know I'll make him uncomfortable if I mention it, I pretend not to notice.. I'm not sure if you can have that complex and still get an erection when you're cuddling with the person you think is too sweet and innocent to taint with sexual acts ..but maybe (still reading).

 

Edit- read a little further and while some of it doesnt fit, like he may find women hot but he doesn't ever mention it, and he doesn't look up pictures of hot women or porn or anything like that (I admit it, I snooped ..it was all political debate forums, poker forums, and other random crap but nothing dirty)..and I walk in on him constantly without asking (He does the same to me, it's just how we are) ..and never once caught him looking at anything or doing doing anything.

 

However other parts kind of line up. His mother put him through a lot growing up. She was not physically abusive but she called the cops on him numerous times, got him locked up in psychiatric wards numerous times, has said some horrible things to him and eventually took a restraining order out on him..We have gotten into a couple screaming fights in the beginning, so I know that he can get *very* loud, but he has never ever gotten violent or even acted like he was going to. He was just vocal (and after a while, when he realized I didn't yell back like his mother did, he stopped doing it, and has calmed way, way down) ..He has not seen or spoken to his mother in 2 years but he still talks very highly about her, and says everything that happened was 'his fault' ..He was kind of falling apart when I met him and I helped him get back on track so for all I know, he has a motherly affection towards me (lord I hope not..thats a new can of worms i wasn't prepared for).

[abitbroken]

He very clearly told you he doesn't want to get into a relationship, so why are you forcing it? I would stop seeing him and find someone who wants a relationship. He only gives enough of himself so you will stay right where he wants you and no more.

 

I am still interested in sex, he isn't.. Is there any way to handle this without breaking his heart and ruining a friendship?

 

you keep saying this is a friendship - so go find yourself a relationship. If you want a cuddle buddy who yells at you when you talk about your feelings and never want to marry and maybe have kids, then by all means, have at it. Nothing is going to progress with him and you are allowing it by staying

[ThatwasThen]

They are in a relationship so I don't know why that's even bought up. They live together for goodness sakes and they do everything as a committed couple but screw. She doesn't want to ruin the friendship that they've developed together... which is a sign of her codependency issues because clearly they are in a codependent relationship if she stays while being so unsatisfied with their romantic life. It's one thing to both be a-sexual and then it works... it's quite another when one is and the other isn't.

 

Op: Don't cheat on him but do be honest in that if he wants to continue on with you, then he's either going to have to get to the doctor to check out his T-levels and then if they are normal, to get a referral to a sex therapist and if he won't do that then you're relationship must end. You staying there and accepting this is YOU enabling him to not have to do a thing about meeting your sexual needs. Be honest and mean what you say.

[abitbroken]

They are in a relationship so I don't know why that's even bought up. They live together for goodness sakes and they do everything as a committed couple but screw. She doesn't want to ruin the friendship that they've developed together... which is a sign of her codependency issues because clearly they are in a codependent relationship if she stays while being so unsatisfied with their romantic life. It's one thing to both be a-sexual and then it works... it's quite another when one is and the other isn't.

 

Op: Don't cheat on him but do be honest in that if he wants to continue on with you, then he's either going to have to get to the doctor to check out his T-levels and then if they are normal, to get a referral to a sex therapist and if he won't do that then you're relationship must end. You staying there and accepting this is YOU enabling him to not have to do a thing about meeting your sexual needs. Be honest and mean what you say.

 

Point taken. But when someone verbally says they "don't want to be in a relationship" - take heed. He likes having someone there as companion and housemate but it doesn't progress to a romance.

I agree about codependency - about being more concerned about hurting his feelings rather than doing what she needs for herself.

[ThatwasThen]

Point taken. But when someone verbally says they "don't want to be in a relationship" - take heed.

I agree but this situation is different then the guy that won't commit to live-in or exclusivity or any other thing that remotely resembles commitment.

 

He likes having someone there as companion and housemate but it doesn't progress to a romance.

The very fact they are living together and having these cuddles and it's exclusive it is a type of romance... it's just not a sexual one. There are plenty of people out there where that relationship dynamic suits them fine but it's a mutually acceptable dynamic unlike Op's where he's fine with the union being sexless and the Op is not.

 

It seems he compartmentalizes sex from commitment and romance Which is the nature of Madonna/Wh*** complex.

 

I agree about codependency - about being more concerned about hurting his feelings rather than doing what she needs for herself[/b].

Agreed.

[Kberry]

I'm not even going to try to argue because you are both right, we are very codependent on each other. He has no family he talks to anymore and doesnt trust most of his friends so I'm kind of all he has. I am close to my family but him and I have spent every day for the past few years together, and love each other very much. To clarify, I did stop pushing for a relationship when he told me that he wasnt interested in one, but he told me that within a month of breaking up with his last gf that he still had strong feelings for. I stopped asking him for sex a long time ago when I was settled on us just being close friends/ cuddle buddies.. He started referring to me as his girlfriend on his own and since he seemingly views me that way, that's why I decided to bring it back up again. I am going to have a talk with him about it again..

 

It is not the most important thing in the world and with that aside, he really is a super sweet man (My animals all like him a little bit better than me now..I have walked in and found my normally clingy cat cuddled up next to him while he's asleep and my cat looked at me like he could give 2 craps that I even existed in that moment)..I guess I'm just kind of upset because I was lead to believe it would at least be a sexual friendship because he talked about it all the time and had no issues with it in the beginning.

Im going to tell him that I have given up sex for 2 years because I care about him so much, but it is still something I am interested in and that's something we're going to have to figure out, one way or another. It's just not something I want to destroy our friendship/relationship over. He has a lot of issues (mostly self esteem) that all play a part in him not wanting to have sex but the things he's worried about now (he will wear a towel around his waist when he comes in out of the shower, or hide under a blanket when I walk into his room and he's not dressed, etc), are things that weren't an issue before.. I saw him naked several times when we were sexually active and he hasn't changed physically since then, but now all of a sudden he's shy.

 

There's a lot of stuff to work through but the reason I am so unwilling to just walk away or find someone else is because we are so close and he's so sweet. If I could get him into therapy with me (which will be a whole new issue, as I said before, he's very against the whole idea) ..I feel like we could make some progress, and I suppose if he cares about me as much as I care about him, and I think he does, he should be willing to do at least one thing he's not comfortable with for me.

[thealchemist]

Reading everything you have written is a bit puzzling. I cannot guess what issues he might have. I will say that you wouldn't ever be able to find any porn on my computer or phone but that doesn't mean I don't watch it. That doesn't even seem like an issue honestly though.

 

I agree with others though. If he says he doesn't want a relationship I would listen to him. If you are content with whatever it is you have then great. If you will only be with him on the condition that he change that is unfair to assume he can/will.

 

But to be so possessive of you yet not even give you your basic relationship needs is extremely selfish of him.

[opinionsneeded]

I just came in here for the first time. Does he have any addictions. Make sure he is not into porn. they lose touch with reality and feelings. Check him out well. Just saying that can be an issue.

[thealchemist]

I just came in here for the first time. Does he have any addictions. Make sure he is not into porn. they lose touch with reality and feelings. Check him out well. Just saying that can be an issue.

Porn does not do that to a healthy minded person. That is like saying if you drink alcohol you will become and alcoholic.

 

I watch porn and am in a very healthy relationship.

 

Given what they posted, porn could be a symptom of the issues but it isn't the root of it.

[opinionsneeded]

Porn changes people...healthy mind or not.please read about it and good luck

[abitbroken]

I'm not even going to try to argue because you are both right, we are very codependent on each other. He has no family he talks to anymore and doesnt trust most of his friends so I'm kind of all he has. I am close to my family but him and I have spent every day for the past few years together, and love each other very much. To clarify, I did stop pushing for a relationship when he told me that he wasnt interested in one, but he told me that within a month of breaking up with his last gf that he still had strong feelings for. I stopped asking him for sex a long time ago when I was settled on us just being close friends/ cuddle buddies.. He started referring to me as his girlfriend on his own and since he seemingly views me that way, that's why I decided to bring it back up again. I am going to have a talk with him about it again..

 

It is not the most important thing in the world and with that aside, he really is a super sweet man (My animals all like him a little bit better than me now..I have walked in and found my normally clingy cat cuddled up next to him while he's asleep and my cat looked at me like he could give 2 craps that I even existed in that moment)..I guess I'm just kind of upset because I was lead to believe it would at least be a sexual friendship because he talked about it all the time and had no issues with it in the beginning.

Im going to tell him that I have given up sex for 2 years because I care about him so much, but it is still something I am interested in and that's something we're going to have to figure out, one way or another. It's just not something I want to destroy our friendship/relationship over. He has a lot of issues (mostly self esteem) that all play a part in him not wanting to have sex but the things he's worried about now (he will wear a towel around his waist when he comes in out of the shower, or hide under a blanket when I walk into his room and he's not dressed, etc), are things that weren't an issue before.. I saw him naked several times when we were sexually active and he hasn't changed physically since then, but now all of a sudden he's shy.

 

There's a lot of stuff to work through but the reason I am so unwilling to just walk away or find someone else is because we are so close and he's so sweet. If I could get him into therapy with me (which will be a whole new issue, as I said before, he's very against the whole idea) ..I feel like we could make some progress, and I suppose if he cares about me as much as I care about him, and I think he does, he should be willing to do at least one thing he's not comfortable with for me.

 

This is incredibly sad to read. You say goes to "his room" - meaning you are living as roommates.

 

You deserve to be desired by a man - physically and emotionally. I really think that you keep adjusting what is acceptable to you in an attempt to bend yourself to justify keeping him around - for a time you are okay with things - and then your true desire rears its head. And i don't think him relenting and having sex once in a blue moon will fix this. And do you see yourself being in a "sexual friendship" if it is one when you really desire a boyfriend or a husband at some point? He won't go to therapy, nor is it your job to fix him

 

If this is really a friendship, he will still be your friend if you decide to move out. He will want the best for you.

But -- there is a possibility that he puts you on the "friends he doesn't trust list" -- that's a red flag if he doesn't trust ANY of his friends. And latches on to someone else.

 

Could it be that he's actually gay? That he doesn't desire to be "out" or go after men, but is using you as a "beard" so to speak? He seemed interested in sex to be able to "win you" but the second it seemed like you would stick around, he never had sex with you again. That's what i am wondering. He is unwilling to go to any kind of therapy and its not ED.