Jump to content

Girlfriend used the traditional "I need to find myself"


Haksaw2018

Recommended Posts

Hello,

 

I am 26 years old and my (Ex) Girlfriend is 24 years old. We have been dating for 8 months and seriously everything has been practically perfect with the exception of some personal issues and insecurities that she has to work on (her words not mine) but she clearly does have insecurities. I have never been in a relationship so strong and where both of us knew we wanted to work towards a family and life together. And I have never felt anything like this for anyone before.

 

She has been in very abusive, both emotional and physical, relationships and taken advantage of many times due to her insecurities. To top it off her Mom has always been both physically and emotionally abusive as well. Prior to me asking her out she had literally just decided she never wanted to be with anyone and that she would maybe adopt if she wanted kids. She took a leap of faith with me cause she didn't want to miss a great relationship because it wasn't "a good time for her". She was so grateful for everything about me and she has never been in a relationship where she felt the way she did about me.

 

She finally went back to school 2 months ago to finish what she started and things have gone downhill ever since. She is more stressed than anyone I've ever seen, especially since she has to try so hard for school and doesn't know what she wants to go for yet. I've noticed her getting more and more depressed until she finally got an idea of what she wants to do and she dropped a class that wasn't necessary for her new career. She had a day of completely relieve and no stress.

 

The next day her Mom got in a huge fight and basically disowned her. She was strong and willing to get her mom out of her life and try to save her sisters from emotional abuse as well. Anyway that has sent her right back into a depression.

 

So here we are now, yesterday she told me that she needs to find herself, that she no longer knows what she wants in life, and that she still doesn't love herself and that she can't love someone else when she doesn't love herself. She claimed that nothing has changed and she hasn't made any progress on opening up to me, which is untrue cause I'm the only person she has ever told about her past with her mom and a lot of other hard parts of her life. She just has never been able to open up to me with problems and always tried to hide away by herself to deal with them alone, which she has always done cause she doesn't talk and open up to anyone. Not even her sisters.

 

She has asked me to respect her decision and I see how hard this is on her. She says she knows it's selfish but she doesn't feel right being anyone's girlfriend when she doesn't even like herself. Our goodbyes were so heartfelt and it was the most emotion I've seen from her for a while. I was always able to make her laugh and she could usually enjoy her day by the end of it thanks to my company.

 

She told me not to wait for her cause she doesn't know how long it will take her and she can't promise me anything. She was having an extremely hard time leaving my side when we were saying goodbye.

 

I love her madly and neither of us have felt this way about another person ever. It's a long story but there are so many other things about us that just fell into place by chance. It's not like this is either of our first relationships and I know I have never felt this way about a woman my entire life. We love the exact same things to a T it's something I've never seen personally in another couple I've known. She hasn't changed her profile picture of us or made herself "single" on social media either.

 

Thanks for the long read. I'm just looking for any advice, to me they are the same words and excuses like so many women, but she has always been brutally honest so I think this is different and I feel like all of this is a result of her depression. I don't know if I should give her a week and if I don't hear from her call her and check in, make her laugh and schedule a meet up? Again any advice would be helpful.

 

Thanks,

Haksaw

Link to comment

So what exactly were her reasons for breaking up? She doesn't want to be in a relationship right now?

 

Sounds like you may have been too available for her and she's lost some of her interest in the relationship. Or she legitimately has mental health issues that prevent her from being happy whether she's or not she's with you and doesn't see the point in being with someone at this stage in her life

 

Probably best to go no contact until you've both had a chance to think about this for a few weeks

Link to comment

I'm sorry to hear this, OP. Unfortunately, her telling you not to wait for her is not a good sign. If she felt she could try again once her life settles down, well, she probably would have said that. It's obvious that she cares about you a lot and feels bad for ending it, but she's doing what she knows she needs to do.

 

She has a lot on her plate and she's right that she isn't in a position to be your girlfriend. Whether its her difficult background, current stress or simply a change of heart, she ultimately doesn't want what you want - which is to be together.

 

It's possible that she will come back once she's had time to sort out her life, but as she herself told you, it's better not to hedge a bet on that. Don't reach out to her in a week or two weeks or a month to schedule a meet-up. All that does is send the message that you're not really listening to her. If a meet-up happens, it needs to be initiated by her.

Link to comment

I would say her relationship with her mom definitely is having a negative impact on her to the point she will not be able to really have a committed relationship that works, unless she gets some help...

 

Even if you do love her, you have to ask yourself - Will I be happy with this person? Will they treat me with respect?

 

They say about 90-95% of your happiness is influenced by your closest relationships....so you really want that negativity? I know its SUPER tough if you love somebody....but....you can always find someone later in life that is better for ya and once you are in love with that person and happy, you will be saying to yourself - "How the hell was it possible I even dated that person?!"

 

Life is tooooo short man...it's time to find yourself a beautiful, stable, girl that knocks your socks off

Link to comment

When someone goes so far as to ask you point blank to respect their decision, you should do just that. So don't keep on contacting her or asking her to meet up. Best response at that point is let her know that if/when/if ever she wants to see you or talk, she is welcome to call you regardless of how much time has passed and then walk away and leave her be. This also means that you yourself treat this as a permanent break up and work on healing and moving on. If she does contact you, then you can evaluate if you still want her in your life and in what capacity. Meanwhile, assume it's over for good and do what you need to do to heal.

Link to comment

Thank you for all the responses everyone.

 

I called her last night, after she was texting me throughout the day, cause I sent a text that I instantly knew was going to come across wrong if it wasn't verbally explained. She answered without hesitation. We talked for an hour and a half and had a pretty good heart to heart. I explained to her that this opened my eyes to a few minor things that most likely added up and assisted to her losing her independence within our relationship, which were obvious in hindsight. Now that I know them I know not to repeat it ever again if I have the chance. Of course this wasn't enough for her to give us another shot but that wasn't my full intent anyway, obviously a hope though.

 

We talked about her depression more and we tried to really pick apart everything that was resulting in the feeling of losing herself and why she thinks she needs to be alone while depressed. She truly has nobody else in her life to confide in and she intends on trying to do this COMPLETELY ALONE. Which worries me.

 

Long story short it all is seemingly boiling down to her just not being emotionally ready to handle someone else's life as well as her own when she doesn't love herself or have a clue what she wants anymore, most likely due to depression. She really hates the idea of dating anyone and having anybody approach her right now. She already had a year and a half of ing around with guys in weakness which on a few occassions ended with rape and that part of her past is her biggest regret in life cause it was just empty and hollow. And she's not the party type at all.

 

This time she actually "promised", as much as she could, that if she ever actually is ready to commit to a relationship again or try dating she will get a hold of me first. She's just not sure at this point if she will ever be ready for that which is why she is trying to help me move on and doesn't want me "wasting my life" waiting for someone that might not be available for weeks, months, or years. She has no idea how long it'll take her.

 

She has always been an extremely honest person with me, to the best of her ability. Considering she can't explain her emotions ever. Brutally honest in ways that I don't want to share lol. But she never has, and won't, lie to me to spare my feelings cause to her that's a waste of time.

 

I reminded her that I am here for her and I really hope more than anything that she's finds who she is, the positive person that I fell in love with in the beginning. Cause back then she was at her purest happiness until all of the negative in her mind kept adding up and getting to her along with her past. And I said I'd love nothing more than for her to see that person inside her again and to have another chance for us when she found what she needs.

 

So I told her that I will always love her and be here for her and said if she's with anyone else in between us possibly getting back together that I will not take her back because she broke it off, not me. She told me she can practically garauntee that won't happen before she's ready to date. I told her if she even begins the process of dating someone else to let me know instantly cause I will not wait for her anymore if that happens. Sounding like she choked back tears she told me that is so far from her intent and that she respects me enough to let me know if that happens. I also explained that while right now I have no interest in seeing anyone else, and don't want to begin thinking about it, that if she waits too long she will probably lose me and lose our second chance.

 

I ended it by saying, don't think that me not talking to you or texting you means I don't care anymore and that I no longer have an interest in dating you. It is just me respecting your decision for distance and hopefully giving you the space you truly need. Feel free to get a hold of me if you need anything, and if you ever are ready, to just send me a text saying "I'm ready to try again". Whether that's after you find out what you need, or if you find out that what your doing isnt working and you are ready to let someone in again to help like I have for the entirety of our relationship.

 

She said she wouldn't be upset if I checked in with her myself sometime, either by text or phone call, just obviously not like before. We ended by both saying I love you.

 

Thanks again everyone for taking the time for another long read.

Link to comment

I don't think you should wait around for her, she doesn't sound like she's going to come back anytime soon as much as that might hurt to realise. If it helps you to move on with the hope that she might, then do that (I think that's actually reasonable in some circumstances). But make sure you go no contact and focus on yourself, don't stop yourself from making plans for your future, travelling abroad or developing relationships with others just because she's in the back of your mind

Link to comment

So I told her that I will always love her and be here for her and said if she's with anyone else in between us possibly getting back together that I will not take her back because she broke it off, not me.

 

Nope nope nope. Never state to anyone unless its your 2 year old child that you will "always love and be there" for someone. its especially damaging to someone dealing with depression or mental illness. That is also an empty and impossible promise. and THEN you put a condition on it ONLY if she doesn't date anyone in the meantime. You have to let her go with no strings attached. If months or years later you run back into eachother and rekindle things -- you can't hold it against her if she dated. She doesn't want a relationship right now - she is focusing on her mental health and you need to respect that and move forward.

Link to comment
So I told her that I will always love her and be here for her and said if she's with anyone else in between us possibly getting back together that I will not take her back because she broke it off, not me.

 

Nope nope nope. Never state to anyone unless its your 2 year old child that you will "always love and be there" for someone. its especially damaging to someone dealing with depression or mental illness. That is also an empty and impossible promise. and THEN you put a condition on it ONLY if she doesn't date anyone in the meantime. You have to let her go with no strings attached. If months or years later you run back into eachother and rekindle things -- you can't hold it against her if she dated. She doesn't want a relationship right now - she is focusing on her mental health and you need to respect that and move forward.

 

In the way you're making it sound I would agree but that's not how I phrased it while talking to her. She knows I couldn't take her back if she slept with anyone else before trying to come back to me cause then that would make her reason for calling it off a lie when she promises it had nothing to do with that and that she would like to be with me and I'm her dream guy but she can't handle a relationship for all of the reasons previously mentioned. She understood that 100% and that me saying that wasn't the terms for me loving her, that was the terms for me being with her again. I also told her that I really hope she finds happiness one day, and of course I'm even more hopeful that it will be with me at which point she smiled and gave me a hug and kiss. What that means, well probably nothing, but time will tell.

Link to comment
I don't think you should wait around for her, she doesn't sound like she's going to come back anytime soon as much as that might hurt to realise. If it helps you to move on with the hope that she might, then do that (I think that's actually reasonable in some circumstances). But make sure you go no contact and focus on yourself, don't stop yourself from making plans for your future, travelling abroad or developing relationships with others just because she's in the back of your mind

 

I will try to wait for a little while at least. I'll probably wait about a month and if she doesn't contact me before then maybe I'll possibly trying to get a hold of her and see how that goes. It may end up being more damaging if it doesn't go well, but in my mind if you love someone and want to actually be with them you wouldn't give them radio silence for a month. So if I contact her and things don't work out, they probably never will. And ideally I'll be ready at that point to move on in a healthier way.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...