Promised me he wouldn't drink...but he did. Need advice

[AJBlue17]

I've been with my partner for 2 and a bit years. He likes a drink socially, we both do if we're chillen with friends or having a night out with a group and so on, the usual. When he gets to a certain point he completely changes, he is angry, wants to fight someone and there is almost no calming him down. He's just so messy, falling all over the place etc. He isn't violent with me, one night he pushed me out of the way though when I was trying to stop him from revving the hell out of his harley bike at 2am in our back yard. I fell into the shelves in the shed and had a big bruise on my arm the next day. That was a year ago.

2 weekends ago, he got really drink at an Oktoberfest event we went to in town, the rest of us wanted to go home (it was about 1:30am at this point) - so at a red light in the taxi he jumped out to go to a bar close by and said 'F$%* yas all' and slammed the door. When he got home he was falling all over the place and just making a mess of himself and swearing etc. I told him once and for all no more drinking as I can't handle him in that state and he's not a good person to be around. I'm only little and I don't like it. Not that I think he'd hurt me again, but I just don't know what he is capable of when he is in that state, especially considering he is alot bigger than me.

I was almost ready to leave that next day, but yet again, he made me a promise that he wouldn't drink again and that he'd stick to his word.

Saturday night just gone (2 nights ago) I went out for a girls night to see a band at our local pub and had a great time. I was drinking, and got a taxi home at about 2am. When I got home there was music on, and he had mates over and he was pretty dam drunk. I felt so disappointed and hurt that he'd broken a promise, but at the same time I wasn't suprised.

He thinks Im overreacting because he was 'drinking at home' and 'didn't make an idiot of himself' - but it's the fact that he broke a promise to me about drinking.

I know I was out drinking, but I'm a very well behaved drunk and that wasn't our promise. I invited him to come with us but said we would be having a few drinks, but he declined because he said he didn't want to drink and I was glad to hear him say that. But then I come home to this....

He can't even keep a promise to me.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated This has happened too many times. He said he'd stick to it this time and he didnt..

[annie24]

Given his history of domestic violence (from your other threads), I think you need to leave him. He keeps drinking despite knowing you don't want him to. Time to move on.

[boltnrun]

You've already had to call the cops on him.

 

To answer the title of your other thread...no, he will not "change". Why should he? You stay! No consequences, no change. See my signature line.

[mtnbiker]

It sounds bad. You both drink to get drunk. You're both alcoholics. Both of you need help.

 

It will never work if you can get drunk but he can't. Do you love him enough to quit drinking? If not, you best leave now and get it behind you.

[AJBlue17]

I wouldn't say a girls night out once every 6 months or so makes me an alcoholic...

[annie24]

I don't think you're wrong to go drinking and have a girls' night out. But I can see from you bf's perspective, "hey - why does she get to go out and drink with her friends and I can't have a few drinks with my friends??" THat's why I think it will never work with you guys. He doesn't want to stop drinking, he won't stop drinking, so stop waiting around for him to stop drinking. Find someone new.

[ThatwasThen]

Well, it sounds like he is on his way to becoming an alcoholic and you like to drink while socializing so you're not compatible to start with and he is obviously beyond being able to keep a promise to not drink.

 

This will just get worse unless he starts a 12 step programme or personal therapy to help him stay off the booze. You would do well to find someone who, like yourself, likes to drink socially but not excessively. He, like himself, would do well to find someone who drinks until they get stupid drunk.

 

Never believe an alcoholic will do what they promise. Its out of their control.

[AJBlue17]

I have asked him multiple times to go get help...but as its not that often maybe once a month that he will drink, and once every few months that he'll get stupid drunk. so he doesnt think he needs help..

[annie24]

I have asked him multiple times to go get help...but as its not that often maybe once a month that he will drink, and once every few months that he'll get stupid drunk. so he doesnt think he needs help..

 

I believe you. So what are you going to do about it?

[ThatwasThen]

I have asked him multiple times to go get help...but as its not that often maybe once a month that he will drink, and once every few months that he'll get stupid drunk. so he doesnt think he needs help..

 

Then by staying with him, you enable him. Don't ruin your life by staying to the point where you lose all self-esteem from trying to control his drinking while failing at it.

[AJBlue17]

I don't know. I love him, but i can't be with someone who breaks promises over and over. I want children one day, and disappointment like that with a child in the mix is not something i can bear the thought of.

[annie24]

I don't know. I love him, but i can't be with someone who breaks promises over and over. I want children one day, and disappointment like that with a child in the mix is not something i can bear the thought of.

 

Yeah - that is a big thing. Is this the man you want to have kids with and want to be parenting with? Probably not. I'm sure your bf has his good qualities and can be a really lovely person sometimes, but I think you need to keep your eyes on the big picture - that is, your long-term future.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't know. I love him, but i can't be with someone who breaks promises over and over. I want children one day, and disappointment like that with a child in the mix is not something i can bear the thought of.

Then you have your answer, luv.

 

... and FWIW, you sound like you have good personal boundaries in place that you're not going to tear down when you know ignoring them would be detrimental to your own emotional well being. You understand that love is never enough to keep a relationship together when there are deal breakers going down.

 

You will be fine in time. You're strong and smart and you'll find a good man that you'll be able to enjoy a social drink with without worrying.

[MissCanuck]

Your other threads indicate that there are big problems between you two. By your own admission, he is not affectionate, doesn't show he appreciates you, and is an angry and sometimes-violent problem drinker. You have already phoned the police on him once, and he has been physically aggressive with you. You also admitted in your previous thread that he throws things around when he's drunk. This is indeed dangerous behaviour. Wait until one of those flying objects hits you. Or he shoves you out of the way hard enough that you hit your head on something, and not just your arm. OP, you need a wake-up call.

 

He isn't going to change, because he sees no need to and just doesn't want to. And unfortunately, you can't make him see it from your point of view. So, you can complain about it (which is certainly understandable) and stick around, or you can make a difficult but healthy choice and walk. This is emotionally destructive to you, and it's already left you with a bruise. Don't let it get worse; you can't control him but you can control you. You might want children someday, but this guy is not the quality of man I would personally choose to father my kids.

 

This latest episode of lying and getting drunk is really just a symptom of the more serious problems there. Love isn't enough to make a relationship work.

[abitbroken]

Please go to an al-anon meeting to maybe wake up yourself about this situation. He is an alcoholic and cannot keep promises because he is so addicted. You need to stop enabling him - you are fine with his behavior as "long as he promises" because you continue to stay with him with zero consequences. All he has to do is promise. Also, you need to stop getting drunk so much that you need to call a taxi yourself. Its not exactly fair to tell someone they can't get drunk while you do. I suggest that you stop going out drinking yourself cold turkey so he knows that you are serious, and go stay at a relatives or better yet kick him out of the house. Rehab and AA won't work if he doesn't think he has a problem.