Fiancée is driving me crazy

[rabsaque]

Hi i have a question for you guys, i'm getting married in December but already starting to have serious doubts, my affiance has always been a woman with a strong character, i have to admit i knew that when i give her the ring i knew what i was getting into, but my god is getting worse by the minute and i'm starting to think is not going to work even doe we been together for more than 8 years, to start i'm a messy person like mi mind is messy i always have a million things in my head, i'm a very creative person and i need that creativity in my job (programmer) but i'm a messy person she hates that and we always have problems for that she always says she doesn't want to be the person that has to deal with my mental disorder and that hurts because i accepted her with all her good and bad things, and knowing that she doesn't accept me as i am makes me feel bad, yesterday we had a huge fight over the most stupid thing you can imagine, you see i was cooking for her (i like to do that) and when i finished i notice that the kitchen was a mess so i started cleaning it in some moment some water must got to the switches of the kitchen because started to make the characteristic click it does when you are going to turn it up, my kitchen uses methane so first thing i did was make sure that the switches weren't passing any she freaked out started to tell me that house was going to explode and i told her baby calm down everything its under control,she freaked out even more NO IS NOT CAN'T YOU SEEE? i told her baby i already cut of the gas is not going to explode calm down She started to yell at me and saying how clumsy i am and demanded me to get out the kitchen , when i refused she started to yell and cry like a maniac until i (knowing nothing was going to happen ) leave the kitchen while she started to check everything like a possessed person, 10 minutes later she was sit on the kitchen floor crying i entered and started to dry the switches and the fixed the thing.

 

I was so enraged for what she did and the way she talked to me i really was holding my need to slap her face she showed that she doesn't trust me even when i'm asure her that i k knew what i was doing she always do that she judges me for not doing what she expect me to do even when she is talking about things she doesn't know nothing about, like that time i switchet jobs from a company that pays me in a different currency than the one of my country and she freaked out about it but like 1 year later i got her a small job in that same field and she saw it actually was better.

 

 

I don't know what to do she has some serious trauma being the daughter of a recovered alcoholic i just want her to trust me a little more and stop judging me for such stupid thing like if i fold my clothes or if i use a knife instead of a scissor to open packages seriously she even fights me for that.

 

 

Should i end the marriage now? i feel trapped in this like i have no option but marry her at this point.

[melancholy123]

Why do you say you have no option to not marry her? I think you two are heading for disaster if you get married and have done nothing to resolve your problems. Have you been to pre-marital counselling? It'd be a very good idea. Has she had any therapy for her irrational outbursts? Sounds like she needs it.

[rabsaque]

I know her mother traumatized her about being burned because when she was pregnant of her she had a accident and got some serious burns that almost cost her life but come on, we had counseling in the past i asked her to go with me, the first time she didn't wanted to get back because and i quote "i saw how vulnerable you are and i hate it" then we where to a premarital course in our church and she was scared and i quote her "i can't believe i will have to be there to remind you things for the rest of my life", i really don't know what to do man i really feel trapped in this thing if i leave her her family and mine will be so disappointed i prefer really just go with this and divorce or something later .

[Snny]

i'm getting married in December but already starting to have serious doubts,

The moment you feel this is the decision not to go through with the marriage. I'm sorry, but you should be happy to marry her. It's ok to feel nervous and the "butterflies" in your stomach... those are normal. However, having "serious doubts" is enough to call the whole thing off.

 

she always says she doesn't want to be the person that has to deal with my mental disorder

NOPE. I have ADHD, and I would say the relationship is over the moment my partner told me this.

 

If she wants to be in a happy marriage, then she needs to learn to accept who you are, including the flaws. Otherwise she needs to go. And you should never, ever tolerate anyone who blames you for having a disability. Anyone who does can go F right off.

 

i really was holding my need to slap her face

Another reason to leave the relationship.

 

she has some serious trauma being the daughter of a recovered alcoholic i just want her to trust me a little more and stop judging me for such stupid thing like if i fold my clothes or if i use a knife instead of a scissor to open packages seriously she even fights me for that.

And she doesn't have a mental instability issue either? Just by this very description she sounds too overwhelming and stressful to be around. She needs to sign up for counseling.

 

The writing is on the wall. You are headed into a disaster if you marry this woman.

[Snny]

I know her mother traumatized her about being burned because when she was pregnant of her she had a accident and got some serious burns that almost cost her life but come on, we had counseling in the past i asked her to go with me, the first time she didn't wanted to get back because and i quote "i saw how vulnerable you are and i hate it" then we where to a premarital course in our church and she was scared and i quote her "i can't believe i will have to be there to remind you things for the rest of my life"

Nasty woman. Please leave her.

 

i really don't know what to do man i really feel trapped in this thing if i leave her her family and mine will be so disappointed i prefer really just go with this and divorce or something later .

Please do not feel you are "trapped" or forced to marry her. She isn't pointing a gun at your head and telling you to be her husband (at least I hope!).

 

You have options. The right choice may not be the one you want, but your wellbeing matters. You matter, and you need to take care of yourself.

 

Your friends and family maybe disappointed, but at the same time... if they truly care about you, they will want you to be happy. They will respect your decision and support your choice. They aren't the ones signing up to live with this woman forever... you are. it is not too late to back out of this... and it's really the best option you have. You cannot fix her. She does not want to be fixed. And she wants to continue to verbally abuse you.

 

You deserve better.

[rabsaque]

I know man but i'm afraid and don't know why.

[Snny]

What exactly are you afraid of? Are you in any danger?

[rabsaque]

I really don't know why i'm afraid the only thing that comes to my mind is her father and her family and the people we know what they are going to think about me, i donot know i care so much what people thinks about me.

[j.man]

you see i was cooking for her (i like to do that) and when i finished i notice that the kitchen was a mess so i started cleaning it in some moment some water must got to the switches of the kitchen because started to make the characteristic click it does when you are going to turn it up, my kitchen uses methane so first thing i did was make sure that the switches weren't passing any she freaked out started to tell me that house was going to explode and i told her baby calm down everything its under control,she freaked out even more NO IS NOT CAN'T YOU SEEE? i told her baby i already cut of the gas is not going to explode calm down She started to yell at me and saying how clumsy i am and demanded me to get out the kitchen , when i refused she started to yell and cry like a maniac until i (knowing nothing was going to happen ) leave the kitchen while she started to check everything like a possessed person, 10 minutes later she was sit on the kitchen floor crying

what the ****

[Snny]

I really don't know why i'm afraid the only thing that comes to my mind is her father and her family and the people we know what they are going to think about me, i donot know i care so much what people thinks about me.

Ok... once you call off a wedding, you have nothing to do with her family. Period. Who cares what they think. You don't owe them anything.

 

And your friends... your real friends will want YOU to be happy. Those are the people who matter the most, along with your family. Quite honestly, they would be more relieved to find out that you're backing out of a wedding NOW than the day of.

 

You need to think about your life and the eternal commitment you are about to pledge to this woman. You went to pre-cana/premarital counseling and saw who she really was. That is who you are going to get. A wedding lasts one day... a marriage is forever.

 

Realistically... calling off a wedding is 10x more cheaper than filing for a divorce with having to hire a lawyer and handle court settlements on property.

[MissCanuck]

You have to start caring less about what other people think, and start worrying more about how you feel.

 

It's very clear you don't want to marry her. If you think the easier option is to just marry her and then divorce her later, boy, are you in for a very rude wake-up call.

 

Don't go through with this wedding. The relationship isn't strong enough to survive it.

[musicgirl]

Don't marry her. If you see this stuff now, it only stays the same or gets worse. Break it off, as hard as it will be. You won't regret this in the long run. You should find somebody more compatible. When I was in my early 20's I was engaged, and I started to realize he wasn't actually for me. I eventually broke it off. Even though wedding plans were being arranged. Things can be undone. It's not the end of the world. Please, do yourself this favor.

[CHale]

I would definitely call it off. I see a major problem. I'm sort of in that same boat and I wish to goodness I was not!