What's the point of relationships?

[Seraphim]

I can enter every relationship with the mindset that this person will turn out to be "the one" for me. It doesn't change a thing. Probably, it would hurt less if I acknowledged that there's an overwhelming chance I will lose that person from my life at some point.

 

You can approach every relationship at that though . Our parents are going to die , friends move on , friends die , family dies . But do we avoid parents , family , friends ?

[caro33]

I can enter every relationship with the mindset that this person will turn out to be "the one" for me. It doesn't change a thing. Probably, it would hurt less if I acknowledged that there's an overwhelming chance I will lose that person from my life at some point.

 

No one is suggesting you think everyone you date will be 'the one', at least I don't think so.

We will all lose everyone at some point, or leave them behind. It's called living and it's called death. That's difficult to confront. But it's not like you can fix it, and it's hardly worth living your life afraid of death.

 

Of course you're probably talking about being dumped, I assume. Yes that might happen, I don't think the likelihood is 'overwhelming' though unless you close yourself off to protect yourself and/or project negative energy.

 

Look you're alive just this one time. Minutes you spend bemoaning the fact that life can be scary are minutes you'll never get back. Surely the better option is to live your life and see where it takes you.

 

I made that sound easier than it is. Sometimes I'm ruled by fear and lose/don't appreciate so many key moments. But you've got to try and have some self-awareness and be present in your own life now rather than being scared of potential hurt.

[firelily]

You can approach every relationship at that though . Our parents are going to die , friends move on , friends die , family dies . But do we avoid parents , family , friends ?

 

With friendships things happens more naturally. If you both like each other, you can be friends. You don't have to break up with your best friend one day just because she wants children and you don't. You don't have to suddenly give your best friend a marginal role in your life just because you've found a more suitable friend for yourself - you just hang out with whomever you want to. If a friend moves away, you try being friends long distance as long as it works. You don't have to decide that it will be easier to breakup the friendship because somebody moves away. You don't need to be loyal to a friend who skypes you twice every week and not meet with any friend locally at the same time. You don't need to breakup with a friend because everything works, but there's no sexual chemistry. Or because you have a certain lifestyle and they stand in the way of it and constantly disappoint you. You don't need to choose between friends and work, friends and family, friends and dreams, friends and love, friends and other friends. Friendship is natural, and relationships are minefield, a bomb waiting to explode.

[Seraphim]

With friendships things happens more naturally. If you both like each other, you can be friends. You don't have to break up with your best friend one day just because she wants children and you don't. You don't have to suddenly give your best friend a marginal role in your life just because you've found a more suitable friend for yourself - you just hang out with whomever you want to. If a friend moves away, you try being friends long distance as long as it works. You don't have to decide that it will be easier to breakup the friendship because somebody moves away. You don't need to be loyal to a friend who skypes you twice every week and not meet with any friend locally at the same time. You don't need to breakup with a friend because everything works, but there's no sexual chemistry. Or because you have a certain lifestyle and they stand in the way of it and constantly disappoint you. You don't need to choose between friends and work, friends and family, friends and dreams, friends and love, friends and other friends. Friendship is natural, and relationships are minefield, a bomb waiting to explode.

I have had friendships explode and have had to end them. I’ve moved away long before the age of technology and lost friends because letter writing was tedious . Friends are not guarantees either .

[firelily]

No one is suggesting you think everyone you date will be 'the one', at least I don't think so.

We will all lose everyone at some point, or leave them behind. It's called living and it's called death. That's difficult to confront. But it's not like you can fix it, and it's hardly worth living your life afraid of death.

 

Of course you're probably talking about being dumped, I assume. Yes that might happen, I don't think the likelihood is 'overwhelming' though unless you close yourself off to protect yourself and/or project negative energy.

 

Look you're alive just this one time. Minutes you spend bemoaning the fact that life can be scary are minutes you'll never get back. Surely the better option is to live your life and see where it takes you.

 

I made that sound easier than it is. Sometimes I'm ruled by fear and lose/don't appreciate so many key moments. But you've got to try and have some self-awareness and be present in your own life now rather than being scared of potential hurt.

 

Thing is, the hurt is not potential - it's obligatory. And I'm not equipped to deal with that pain. My resources are too low. I think I will risk top 2-3 relationships in my life again, because healing from pain takes too much energy.

 

And I'm not only talking about being dumped. Whatever way the relationship ends - by things not working out - and it won't work out, with overwhelming likelihood - it's extremely painful to let go, if you once let yourself be close to someone, be attached to them, dreamed about future with them and basically let yourself be vulnerable.

[firelily]

I have had friendships explode and have had to end them. I’ve moved away long before the age of technology and lost friends because letter writing was tedious . Friends are not guarantees either .

 

Sure, but usually, it's not that heartbreaking. Usually it's more of a natural process of growing apart.

[Seraphim]

Sure, but usually, it's not that heartbreaking. Usually it's more of a natural process of growing apart.

 

It can be heart breaking.

 

Anyway, you have to live your life as you see it. But remember every single choice we make has the potential to bite us in butt whether next week or years from now.

[caro33]

I dated a bloke for almost 10 years when I was in my 20s. We were engaged, we lived together. I couldn't imagine life without him.

One day it ended, with no notice and no explanation. I was absolutely gutted. It was devastating. I never found out what happened, he just decided he didn't want a relationship and moved out. We didn't speak again.

He left in dec 2001. To this day I have dreams about him, where he comes back (not a good thing, always unwanted/hurtful - he was not a bad guy but really immature and having him back means I'm back somewhere in life that I don't want to be) and where i find out what happened. The worst ones are where my husband and him merge and my husband turns into him and leaves. My husband is wonderful. We've been together for 12 years, married for 11 years and have a 10 year old son.

The fact that I have bad dreams (several a week) that have lasted 16 years should give you some indication of the pain and loss. I also dream on the other nights about losing the house. I'm deeply anxious and afraid. But my god, my husband is perfect for me. While the more I love him the more afraid I am, I also know that the deep belly laughs, the encouragement and support, the brilliance of having this right here, right now, means that I need to get over myself and just be present.

[firelily]

i dated a bloke for almost ten years when I was in my 20s. We were engaged, we lived together.

One day it ended, with no notice and no explanation. I was absolutely gutted. It was devastating. I never found out what happened, he just decided he didn't want a relationship and moved out. We didn't speak again.

He left in dec 2001. To this day I have dreams about him, where he comes back, where i find out what happened. The worst ones are where my husband and him merge and my husband turns into him and leaves. My husband is wonderful. We've been together for 12 years, married for 11 years and have a 10 year old son.

The fact that I have bad dreams (several a week) that have lasted 16 years should give you some indication of the pain and loss. I also dream on the other nights about losing the house. I'm deeply anxious and afraid. But my god, my husband is perfect for me. While the more I love him the more afraid I am, I also know that the deep belly laughs, the encouragement and support, the brilliance of having this right here, right now, means that I need to get over myself and just be present.

 

It's so nice. I think it's rare to find someone who will always catch you when you fall. In most relationships, women are expected to be ones to care about the relationship and make it grow, and start discussions about issues, and convince the other person that there is some issue, etc. It would be nice to be with someone who can actively work for your happiness as a couple.

 

In my case, I was the one who walked out on my boyfriend after a decade without any strong reason other than I was dying inside. I'm just as shattered to change my lifestyle and not have him by my side, only that I don't get much sympathy from anyone as a dumper. My mom still cries for my boyfriend's unhappiness in this situation. Before we started dating, he was one of my best friends for 7 years. We promised each other that even if it doesn't work out romantically, we're still gonna be friends. I couldn't be in a relationship with him anymore, but I still want to be around him as much as possible, but he doesn't. We call each other once or twice a month, but we're not close friends anymore, and we never will be. I can't stop asking myself if it was worth to risk the friendship years ago, if it ended this way. And he probably blames me for stealing the best years of his life, where he could have been with someone else and already started a family.

[caro33]

My husband was also the person who left a previous marriage. They were together ten years, they got married in the last year because they felt they had to. He went on to find happiness (me! And son). And I'm telling you, this is not a bad person, just someone who didn't know how he was expected to feel. They even said to one another at their wedding that it's a shame they weren't in love! He had no one at all to talk to. She was his best friend and he was basically part of her family. All gone when he said they had to end because it wasn't right.

 

I'm sure that you leaving hurt you both but it's not a determinant of either of your futures.

[firelily]

My husband was also the person who left a previous marriage. They were together ten years, they got married in the last year because they felt they had to. He went on to find happiness (me! And son). And I'm telling you, this is not a bad person, just someone who didn't know how he was expected to feel. They even said to one another at their wedding that it's a shame they weren't in love! He had no one at all to talk to. She was his best friend and he was basically part of her family. All gone when he said they had to end because it wasn't right.

 

I'm sure that you leaving hurt you both but it's not a determinant of either of your futures.

 

Thanks It was heartwarming to hear.

[thealchemist]

I think the point of relationships is to find a great one. Pretty much the only point in trying. I feel I was exceptionally lucky in my search for one.

 

My wife and I are great with each other. Even that doesn't ensure a perfect happy ever after. We both have a little anxiety that something tragic with ruin our great situation.

[betterthanever]

It is funny, I asked this same question recently to myself as I enter the world of relationships again. My answer was I want a partner in life, and I know this because a deep connection is my natural craving. I recognize it will take work from me and them to be a good partner, team mate, journey friend. I also recognize it may not work, we may cause pain in each other, but the pain of no connection to me is a harder reality. I don't want to be alone in life and I want to love deeply, it is something I want to give. And friends, family and close relationships of the like, are not as deeply fulfilling as giving and receiving deep love. There are great answers in this thread. You have to decide for yourself. If the act of loving, empathy, forgiveness, and kindness is something you want with one person intensely or not. Some people I think are happy without and that is fine too.

[Batya33]

It's so nice. I think it's rare to find someone who will always catch you when you fall. In most relationships, women are expected to be ones to care about the relationship and make it grow, and start discussions about issues, and convince the other person that there is some issue, etc. It would be nice to be with someone who can actively work for your happiness as a couple.

 

In my case, I was the one who walked out on my boyfriend after a decade without any strong reason other than I was dying inside. I'm just as shattered to change my lifestyle and not have him by my side, only that I don't get much sympathy from anyone as a dumper. My mom still cries for my boyfriend's unhappiness in this situation. Before we started dating, he was one of my best friends for 7 years. We promised each other that even if it doesn't work out romantically, we're still gonna be friends. I couldn't be in a relationship with him anymore, but I still want to be around him as much as possible, but he doesn't. We call each other once or twice a month, but we're not close friends anymore, and we never will be. I can't stop asking myself if it was worth to risk the friendship years ago, if it ended this way. And he probably blames me for stealing the best years of his life, where he could have been with someone else and already started a family.

 

I'm sorry that didn't work out and certainly it can be tempting to generalize from that that relationships aren't worth it. My suggestion is don't indulge in that path which is more of an excuse because in some ways it's easier to give up (if indeed you think you want a relationship -and want one not from the negative perspective/mindset you're convincing yourself of but from a realistic mindset). I also wonder if I "wasted" 7 years of my ex boyfriend's life in our on and off relationship because I also felt like despite loving him and thinking I wanted to be with him I had too much internal conflict, too much doubt over whether he was the one. I did not try to stay in touch with him as close friends after but we did stay in touch for about 1-2 years after -his choice. I met my future husband about 6 months after we broke up -but he was the ex previous to him and we'd been serious years earlier so life is funny that way.

 

My 7-year ex did meet someone a year or so after we broke up and they've been married for several years so it all worked out well for him and I am thankful for that. I hope you reconsider your negative stance on relationships and of course if you still decide to be on your own that might be the right choice, the best choice for you - and that's a wonderful thing if that's what you want.

[1Love1]

It is definitely an internal question that a lot of people wonder. I, personally, would choose love if it meant inevitable heartbreak - because it doesn't change how happy I felt when the love was there and I'll remember that passionate feeling. I dread thinking about the day my husband dies (if he dies before me). I've had very realistic dreams about it and it's agonizing. But in spite of that pain, I would never want to give up the memories and moments that we've shared together. I would want to feel both ends of the love and heartbreak intensely, rather than having never felt that love at all. I could see why that would scare people into wanting to be alone though. It's terrifying

[red chilli]

Sadly , l'm starting to wonder the same thing.

 

l was married 19yrs and many of those and us as a coupe were dream stuff many will never know, but it still went to sh@t and we divorced 3yrs ago. And going through that and the struggles trying to be a dad like this with my daughter, the heartbreak of watching her family destroyed and since , was almost too much.

Anddddd , l had to start again , rebuild my finance , , try to get another house for myself, pay of huge debt.

when we would've been sitting pretty by now , forever , all gone.

Then l meet gf , it was long distance but suddenly it was like everything in my life and hers, had happened so that we met when we did.it was even more mind blowing than the first few years with ex w.and l wouldn't thought that possible.

But now that's ended too.

And the worst thing about that was , that l saw it all within days of meeting her, her problems , her thinking, everything turned out EXACTLY , as l worried it would back in the first few days of meeting her.. But l couldn't resist it. The goods and the highs were just too much, l couldn't walk away.

But , so it happened , exactly like l saw , nearly 2years later.

So now l can't even trust myself anymore, my instincts knew it , but l went ahead anyway.

And now l'm going through this again and l've lost another 2yrs of my life. who knows what might've happened if l stayed away the way l knew l should've.in that 2yrs.

 

But , like others here , nothing compares , and friends , well, that's not even on the same planet as stuff you have in a marriage or full on relationship , no way on God earth do friends even close to cut it for me.

 

But whwere l use to feel like one of the luckiest guys on earth and l know many envied me , here l am . And considering where it's all ended up , and what l've gone through in that , and now this , l just dunno.

And even worse is that it's all shown me you just can't trust anyone now.My gf told me just 12mths ago, she would take a bullet for me. Yet here we are.

 

Sooooo , yeah , there is nothing l'd love more for the rest of my days , and tp have what gf and l had or ex w earlier, but do l wanna risk even going there again,

l just dunno.

 

Wish l liked being alone , then l would say not a hope in hell l'd ever go there again.