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Is he playing me?


ella20

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I posted earlier about him. He works in the same building. He joined few weeks ago. Asked me a few times to go for a drink and I finally agreed. We had amazing time. Then I initiated meeting and we went to cinema. In cinema we noticed another movie and He suggested we may go to cinema next Monday. This was on Tuesday. He is 35 and I am 38. He told me he has older group of friends with he goes out to theatre, shows, concerts. He is literally everyday somewhere with anyone from this group. He does not plan meetings with me. He doesn't call me at all. He texts once a day. I feel like he has someone...maybe from this group.

We have amazing connection and it's hard to believe he would not want more of that. Last time we kissed quite a lot. However I stopped this cause I told him I don't kiss people I hang out with . ( he earlier said we hanging out when I joked that our date is the cheapest ever as we both have monthly tickets . He said it's not a date only we hanging out) during kissing he said he would like more ...to see where this is going. But we were in a moment so he could say whatever...

I am a bit fed up...he prefer to meet this group of friends than get to know me.

What do I do ?

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Do nothing and keep putting yourself in positions to meet other men. He purposely told you it wasn't a date... that to me tells me he's not interested in any kind of relationship (other then maybe sexual) with you.

 

If you know that he would prefer to hang out with his friends then to actually go on a "date" with you then if he asks you out again, tell him you're not interested in "hanging out."

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Thank you for responding! Very much appreciated. Let's say I do as you say I.e. respond to an invite that I am not interested in hanging out and he will say it will be a date ? Just to meet and kiss again and be gone for some time again?

I guess I have no choice but to just that...strange given how excited he was and he didn't want to leave my side....well he was in the moment ...thats it

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Thank you for responding! Very much appreciated. Let's say I do as you say I.e. respond to an invite that I am not interested in hanging out and he will say it will be a date ? Just to meet and kiss again and be gone for some time again?

I guess I have no choice but to just that...strange given how excited he was and he didn't want to leave my side....well he was in the moment ...thats it

Yes... if he's interested in more then a sexual relationship with you, he'll certainly ask to be with you again. I always say: "If you don't want to be booty, then don't just be booty."

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I posted earlier about him. He works in the same building. He joined few weeks ago. Asked me a few times to go for a drink and I finally agreed. We had amazing time. Then I initiated meeting and we went to cinema. In cinema we noticed another movie and He suggested we may go to cinema next Monday. This was on Tuesday. He is 35 and I am 38. He told me he has older group of friends with he goes out to theatre, shows, concerts. He is literally everyday somewhere with anyone from this group. He does not plan meetings with me. He doesn't call me at all. He texts once a day. I feel like he has someone...maybe from this group.

We have amazing connection and it's hard to believe he would not want more of that. Last time we kissed quite a lot. However I stopped this cause I told him I don't kiss people I hang out with . ( he earlier said we hanging out when I joked that our date is the cheapest ever as we both have monthly tickets . He said it's not a date only we hanging out) during kissing he said he would like more ...to see where this is going. But we were in a moment so he could say whatever...

I am a bit fed up...he prefer to meet this group of friends than get to know me.

What do I do ?

 

As ThatWasThen said, meet other guys. He isn't interested because if he was there would a lot more interaction. Don't feel bad, just know in dating, you will met a lot guys who play games.

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I can only speak for myself. I'm relationship material, so it only makes sense for me to date people who are interested in having a relationship. It makes no sense for me to hang out with guys who are not relationship material in hopes of manipulating them into becoming relationship material. You can do that if you want, it's not against the law. It just positions you to be manipulated instead.

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Thank you all for responding. I honestly didn't know what his intentions were until he said last time time that it is not a date we just hang out....then few hours later he said he wants more and to see where this is going....

Anyway he didn't make plans with me. He exchanged a few texts messages with me and asked me if am planning much this weekend. This was earlier today at work. I said I have a few exciting things planned and did not ask for his plans. I wished him great weekend whatever he was doing. He just texted me that if am in the city am welcome to join him and his friends.

Wow. So he preferred to spend time with them than with me even tho they met 3 times this week already. I don't get it.

I am so not responding....

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Thank you all for responding. I honestly didn't know what his intentions were until he said last time time that it is not a date we just hang out....then few hours later he said he wants more and to see where this is going....

Anyway he didn't make plans with me. He exchanged a few texts messages with me and asked me if am planning much this weekend. This was earlier today at work. I said I have a few exciting things planned and did not ask for his plans. I wished him great weekend whatever he was doing. He just texted me that if am in the city am welcome to join him and his friends.

Wow. So he preferred to spend time with them than with me even tho they met 3 times this week already. I don't get it.

I am so not responding....

 

ella, let's face it, guys are just plain weird sometimes! No getting around that.

 

I don't know how old this guy is, but when I was very young, like late teens/early 20's, guys I dated (if you could even call it that at that age), who claimed later they were sooooooo into me, would initially act like they didn't give a shyt, acting same as this guy.

 

They were too chicken shyt to show too much interest for fear of either being seen as weak and/or were afraid of being rejected if they did.

 

It was like the more they cared, the less interested they acted! I have witnessed my brothers acting same way when they were young and immature too. One still does and he is 42! He has major commitment issues.

 

Like remember when you were in grade school, the boys seriously crushing on you would be mean to you, steal your hat, lol, ignore you, basic fourth grade shyt.

 

That's what this guy reminds me of. Really immature.

 

God forbid he asks you out on a proper date, in his distorted and immature brain, that's showing too much interest and weak.

 

So he acts cool, aloof, nonchalant, asking you to hang out with his friends instead. Oh no I think he's very into you, just too chicken shyt to show it.

 

Yeah, don't respond. While hanging with his precious friends, he will be wondering about you, your presence will be missed.

 

If he wants to properly date you, not just "hang out," he needs to step up to the damn plate and act like it! What a tool.

 

My guess is most girls made this all too easy for him, chasing him and shyt.

 

Don't be that girl.

 

Sadly, some guys, the really immature ones, need to learn how to treat a lady properly.

 

As I said, been through this when I was very young and dated very immature guys. Guys who were "too cool for school." Too chicken shyt to step up and act like a man interested in a woman and wanting a relationship with her.

 

Oh the horror! Makes him look too weak, like she has the upper hand or something. God forbid.

 

Anyway, I know this differs from others' opinions, just offering a different perspective.

 

Again, don't know how old he is, but in any event, he just sounds REALLY immature.

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Oh I just read he is 35!!!

 

Wow. Some guys will just never grow up I guess.

 

What I posted could still be true though, sadly and pathetically. Some guys (the immature ones no matter how old they are) will push boundaries to see how much BS a woman will tolerate.

 

You're doing the right thing by not responding to that.

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Thank you Katrina...he is 35 and am 38. He consider himself very mature for his age. He said all his friends are between 45 and 65 and they all have a close circle and meet so often is unreal. He meets them 4- 5 times a week - whoever from them can make it. He told me they all have great jobs etc they going theatre, shows etc they carry on since 6 months so fairly fresh circle...

I am puzzled why he won't make a room to meet with me ...i don't think he is shy or afraid to show weakness ...or that he care. He asked me for weeks to go for a drink ....it was said here before that people go closer towards pleasure and avoid the pain. Last time he had blast. I stopped kisses as they were becoming too passionate. And since few hrs earlier he said we just hanging ...i stopped kisses and we has sweet goodbye.

He seemed flattered by attention and acceptance from older friends and I think he is their pleaser and they are top priority. They may already have families and kids....and he silly man will miss out ....

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Some people just don't `date' in a conventional way.

 

I had to teach a girlfriend of mine how to be courted because she had no clue. Her typical style is to have what I call `4 day dates' She meets some guy, he stays the night and they are together for days and become a couple. . .?

 

This guy may very well like you but isn't one to court you in a way that you are accustomed too.

It's not meant to be offensive.

 

Having said that you can certainly hold out for someone who is more like minded.

I know I would.

 

Or you can choose to look at it differently and not take it so personally.

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Ella, what is his relationship history like? Has he ever been married, or in long term relationships (one year +).

 

I updated my first post to add my own brother behaves like this guy and he is 42!

 

But he has major commitment issues though, self-admitted.

 

Do you think your guy might have issues with commitment too?

 

His behavior certainly reflects he might.

 

Mixed messages (asking you out, but claiming it's not a date and just a "hang out"?)

 

But then kissing you passionately and telling you he wants more?

 

But no follow up. Etc etc etc. What the *.

 

This guy sounds scared shytless of something.

 

His own feelings, relationships, commitment, whatever.

 

This is what I am sensing anyway, I could very well be wrong, I don't know him.

 

Best to avoid if you dont want your heart ripped to shreds.

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Thank you Katrina....earlier this week he mentioned we can go to cinema on Monday ...hmmm he goes to symphony and opera with friends and with me to cinema? Lol I made a joke about it and he said he will get tickets for some show for us. But you know what ? He puts so much effort with his friends and with me he needs to be prompt ? No thanks. Last Tuesday we went to cinema cause I suggested. ...no more. So since our 1st date 2 weeks ago he did not initiate any meeting. Only talks about it but no plans. Weird man

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I suggested last meeting to go the cinema. And he suggested another cinema for this coming Monday lol

We haven't talked about our love life

...no idea if he is single....last Saturday and this Thursday he responded to my texts the next days ( I.e. he sent me text 6 pm I texted back and he responded next morning ).

I think he knows very well how to court ....on first meeting he said " we will go to this restaurant , one I will take you here and there etc" he said it's so easy to talk to me ...that he didn't expect this to be so good and natural. When we met he didn't wanted to leave ....we had amazing time and he dragged to say bye...but he won't make plans

Weird as hell

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Thank you Katrina....earlier this week he mentioned we can go to cinema on Monday ...hmmm he goes to symphony and opera with friends and with me to cinema? Lol I made a joke about it and he said he will get tickets for some show for us. But you know what ? He puts so much effort with his friends and with me he needs to be prompt ? No thanks. Last Tuesday we went to cinema cause I suggested. ...no more. So since our 1st date 2 weeks ago he did not initiate any meeting. Only talks about it but no plans. Weird man

 

Yeah, the more I read, the more I believe he may issues with commitment.

 

This is typical "commitment phobe" behavior, seriously. All of it and yeah it's damn weird!

 

I know many folks don't buy into the notion of "commitment phobia", believing that when a man is into a woman, he will act like it and want a relationship.

 

I personally don't believe people are always so black and white, there many different nuances to consider.

 

Some people *do* have issues that make moving forward in any sort of "normal" fashion very difficult if not impossible.

 

Again, my brother is one of those people, and I myself have issues also, more so since my six year relationship ended in late 2015.

 

Committed issues/fears are very real. Read up about it, there are several books written about it, two were bestsellers. So you know the signs and what to avoid in the future.

 

Try to not take it personally, in this case I don't think it's about you.

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On a first meeting he asked what are my views on marriage ...i said I would like one day to have what my parents have and he said " wonderful " he said he loves going places, shows bit has no-one to go with.....but bloody hell now he has and still go with these friends rather than with me ....weird beyond belief

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More and more I think he has someone already, possibly from this group of people...given the chemistry and connection on every level I don't believe he would be able to resist that if he would be single ....something is strange here

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On a first meeting he asked what are my views on marriage ...i said I would like one day to have what my parents have and he said " wonderful " he said he loves going places, shows bit has no-one to go with.....but bloody hell now he has and still go with these friends rather than with me ....weird beyond belief

 

Yeah, commitment phobes are notorious for coming on fast and strong (asking you about marriage when you first met?) then taking it back (pulling back). Or in some cases, disappearing. Then returning. Then disappearing again.

 

Like when he kissed you passionately telling you he wants "more," then nothing but scraps (asking you to "hang out" with friends if you want). Weird and confusing.

 

These guys are so weird and will drive you literally crazy, IF you allow it.

 

You've seen enough. This man is not relationship material as catfeeder said.

 

Please walk away for good and try to put him out of your consciousness,

 

He is what I refer to as a "one date wonder." One great date (or was it two) strong connection and chemistry, and then he puts on breaks.

 

Heed the warning!

 

ETA: Please read "Men Who Can't Love," you will recognize his behavior by other stories in that book.

 

Best of luck!

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You could be looking into things further than he is or he is keeping his options open. Just let him contact you if he wants to do something with you.

 

I agree with this.

 

The confusion comes when his words and actions suggest he wants "more" (he even told her this) and then behaves like a man who does "not" want more and keeping options open.

 

Can you understand how that could be confusing to a woman?

 

I've been through this with a few guys. Behaving and saying all sorts of things leading me to believe he wanted more, and then almost immediately taking it all back!

 

I sort of "hung in" until, in one case, he flat out ghosted. The others cases, I dumped them.

 

Lesson learned.

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Katrina, I think that is exactly what was happening here. He acted around me and said he wanted more only to forget all about it as soon as we parted ways. Since Friday loose invite to join his friends I didn't not hear from him. He saw me briefly at work and asked me " have I upset you" I said that of course not ...he said " you would told me if I would right. Hope we are good.".

I said that sure we are good....

Frankly speaking I cannot be upset but I am deeply sad...maybe because I expected too much.... He does not owe me anything for living his life ....

I am trying to be as neutral as I can but in case he would ask me again not sure what's best thing to say ...." well I thought that we both enjoying getting to know one another but clearly you have more exciting things to do than that". ??

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