Any Hope or no?

[melody147]

So I've posted about this before but I wanted to make a new post as my question/focus is different. Summary: Dated my 31 year old boyfriend for 7 months after being best friends for over two years (I'm 22). He begged me for months to go out with him; cried (and he never cries) when it seemed like I was about to say no as that would mean me and him couldn't be friends or close friends again...everyone in our friend group had the absolute best impression of him: head over heels in love with me, compassionate, soft-spoken, a man of character. Started dating in Feb.

 

In any case around Sep 19 he started telling me he wasn't sure if things were working between us, citing very random things such as my age, my readiness for marriage, me losing my charger, me falling asleep in the car instead of keeping him awake, things like that...finally I got so sick of him waffling I said it looks like you want to break up; I'm not playing games anymore. And he said "I'm sorry" and "did you block me." That was it until about 10 days ago when I called and told him-listen we have something beautiful-I love you, you and I have been talking about marriage for months, we can make this work. After lots of pushing, he finally said-you know what maybe we could have worked it out but I've been talking to someone else and emotionally cheating with her on you since late August. And my world fell apart. He lied about who it was, saying I didn't know her. I'm not an idiot.

 

So I called up my friend the next day and asked her straight-up if she had been cheating with my boyfriend and she said yes. I told her everything that had been happening to that point-turns out they went on a date the day or two after he left me and he had lied to her, saying me and him were broken up for 3 weeks at that point.

 

Lots of other stuff-he was physical w/ me (In our religion physical stuff is very major) while talking to her; he led me on, making me believe it was my fault...ultimately she she was rather disgusted, called him on a 3 way with me and dumped him. It seemed pretty easy for her because she's young, he's older, and they'd been technically "dating" for 6 days or so after talking for a month. That night after the 3 way he called me and her like 10 times each, begging to the girl to explain his side and to me to apologize. I didn't take his calls. Next day he messages me asking why I character assassinated him to the girl, etc...because the girl kept telling him she would never forgive him for what he put me through...and I guess her saying it that way made it easy for him to blame me. IDK this is just my interpretation. In any case she cut off contact with him last Thursday I believe (6 days ago)-as he kept messaging saying i miss you please call me; and she was kinda disgusted. I last spoke to him last Monday (9 days NC), where I messaged trying to understand WHY he would do this to me. He said that we were deeply incompatible, citing very vague, unconvincing things that made me feel he was trying to justify to himself why he ended up cheating and how this was all inevitable. Said he stopped caring about things; said he stopped trying to work on our issues...and we really didn't have many. We didn't. Of the ones he told me they were like losing things from time to time; or taking a solo trip to Prague when I was in Europe (he thought it was irresponsible).

I loved this man with all my heart and it feels like he's changed into some kind of monster, frankly. Our mutual friends are appalled and several have severed ties. Our relationship was closely followed by the community as he made it a huge affair last year when attempting to get me to go out with him.

Why didn't he talk to me if he was having doubts early on? Why didn't he say hey i love you but i've been talking to this girl and it's making me confused. Or hey listen i want to make us work but for some reason these issues are bothering me; can we do relationship counseling?

I actually brought up relationship counseling at a point but that was before he mentioned the cheating, saying oh we could've worked on it but there's another girl. After that I cried a -ton and hung up. Didn't bring up counseling again. He didn't ask me for another chance either; none of that.

At this point is there any chance in him wanting me back? I dont' understand how he told my mom to tell him about his intentions to marry me (in our religion marrying early is pretty normal); his entire family knew me intimately; and he left me without working on anything. Was he ashamed of cheating? Why didn't he just talk to me? Was our 3 years of intimate friendship+relationship not worth saving and throwing away after talking to this girl for a month? I miss my best friend; someone please help me.

[SweetGirl28]

Please get the strength within yourself not to accept this behavior.

Keep broken up, don't speak to him, and move on.

[melody147]

I feel like I must be disgusting in some way for him to have treated me like this. If there isn't something wrong with me this doesn't make sense.

[SweetGirl28]

I feel like I must be disgusting in some way for him to have treated me like this. If there isn't something wrong with me this doesn't make sense.

 

You are not disgusting, his morals and behavior are disgusting!

 

You deserve better than a man who talks of marraige and then criticizes you because he found interest

in someone else! He should have been honest. Shame on him, not you.

[MissCanuck]

This guy is complete loser. What a creep.

 

He didn't suddenly change into some kind of monster. He just hid his true character while he was putting on this huge show of wanting to date you and nearly crying when you resisted. That reeks of manipulation. He knew exactly what he was doing.

 

People who don't try to work things out with you (instead of cheating) are just not invested in you, I'm afraid. He talked the talk, but clearly, that's all it was - talk. There is nothing wrong with you, but there is an awful lot wrong with him. He's a player, though and through.

 

What I would do now is work on improving your self-worth. First, get rid of this "friend" of yours, if you haven't already. She is no friend. It's amusing she is disgusted with him, given how disgusting her own behaviour is! Next, work on correctly assigning blame (hint: it's on him) and understanding men like this are not relationship material, and thus you should not want this guy back. Because he will do it again. There is something seriously wrong with a person who pursues their partner's friend. Does he frequently go after much younger women? There could well be a reason for it - women his own age have been around the block enough to see right through his BS and manipulative ways.

[Hollyj]

He cheats on you with another girl and you want him back? Why are you blaming yourself, this is him. This is about his complete lack of character.

 

He blames you for outing him to that other girl, exposing him for the lying creep that he is. Why aren't you following her lead?

 

Please show yourself some kindness and never speak to this guy again. Block and delete him.

[melody147]

He cheats on you with another girl and you want him back? Why are you blaming yourself, this is him. This is about his complete lack of character.

 

He blames you for outing him to that other girl, exposing him for the lying creep that he is. Why aren't you following her lead?

 

Please show yourself some kindness and never speak to this guy again. Block and delete him.

 

It's my fault he cheated. I should've known we were having issues or that he was having doubts or something. I should've tried to get us to do relationship counseling, something...by the time I realized, it was too late. Because he had stopped loving me and started liking this other girl. I was too late.

[arjumand]

So you control his behavior? It is your fault because he doesn't have any self control or the ability to talk about or resolve an issue? Your real issue is that you have no self esteem and are willing to let slime balls treat you any way they want and blame you. Please get some therapy -- you are wasting your youth on an incredible loser.

[Hollyj]

It's my fault he cheated. I should've known we were having issues or that he was having doubts or something. I should've tried to get us to do relationship counseling, something...by the time I realized, it was too late. Because he had stopped loving me and started liking this other girl. I was too late.

 

Who put that in your head? Do you think this way, so you can continue to hold on to this creep?

 

Where is his responsibility in this? Why did he nit come to you and discuss these problems? Why did HE not suggest counseling?

 

You are lucky that you found this out now, before marrying him. You need someone who is honest and that you can trust.

 

I hope you see the light soon, there is never any excuse to cheat! Where is your self worth.

[MissCanuck]

It's my fault he cheated. I should've known we were having issues or that he was having doubts or something. I should've tried to get us to do relationship counseling, something...by the time I realized, it was too late. Because he had stopped loving me and started liking this other girl. I was too late.

 

Dear me - there is so much wrong with your thinking on this, OP.

 

You really need to work on yourself and your self-esteem or you going to wind up taken advantage of again and again by players like your ex.

[melody147]

I know I have self-esteem issues...I have OCD/anxiety disorder and my boyfriend was instrumental in being an anchor for me throughout everything; and throughout my dad going through and now recovering from cancer. I guess I ended up relying on him too much because I thought he'd never leave.

Going back to why it's my fault...we fought a lot while I was abroad for 7 weeks in England this summer and it was ultimately...he said that because of my immaturity I was making him controlling. Like I would lose a charger; almost miss a bus; take a solo trip to Prague-and I guess he just got fed up. Another thing we fought about abroad is that I wanted to just talk to him on weekends rather than during his 15 minute coffee breaks every day and that made him VERYYY angry while abroad. Then later apologized, saying work was making him stressed out and angrier than he wanted to be. So when I came back...I dont know, I just thought...we fought, but couples fight while abroad...and I thought we were okay. But maybe he was emotionally withdrawing since THEN and I didn't know it.

and we had one more fight Aug 25th...about me wanting to see him more often. TBH though I think that fight stemmed from him being distant; and we resolved the fight! Yet a few days later he started emotionally cheating.

Throughout everything I guess I had issues with him; I'd tell my best friend, oh he called my idea pathetic, this is not okay, etc I should break up with him...but I guess ultimately I never really wanted to because I wanted to work with him on our problems...I dont know. I feel like...I dont know. I guess it hurts knowing that he started withdrawing and then blaming me. Like I didn't make him controlling! I didn't! He said that he was getting angry cuz of work; he didn't mean to lash at me for losing my charger or like wanting to talk to him on weekends.

He said me talking to him on wknds only wasn't being supportive of him and his work. Like he wanted me to be okay talking to him 15 mins a day during coffee breaks but I guess for me I prefer having more time on weekends. He thought it was selfish-wanting him all to myself, quote.

[Hollyj]

There is no excuse for cheating. Ever! Even more sleazy that he approached your friend.

 

Please stop making excuses for this guy. He is bad news!

[melody147]

Does he frequently go after much younger women? There could well be a reason for it - women his own age have been around the block enough to see right through his BS and manipulative ways.

 

Ummm I think this younger women thing is recent. Started with me and then my friend. He said that I made him controlling because of my immaturity and age; and if this is the case why did he go after someone even younger? I think he prefers younger people because he thinks he can control them and when he can't he just discards them? Maybe my friend seemed more "mature" than me. In all likelihood though he was probably just running with a crush and not thinking.

[melody147]

i also have started therapy (it's on an every other week basis). had one session so far. next one is next week. hoping it'll help me shut down suicidal thoughts, self-hate, self-blame.

[Hollyj]

It was an active choice, when he went after her. Please don't minimize.

 

I commend you on seeking therapy. Please lean on family, close friends and this site when you are needing support.

[melody147]

Thank you for being kind . I will do my best to be strong but turns out I'm pretty weak aha ... I'll try to make myself stronger so I don't get hurt again but frankly I think this has put me off relationships for a while.

[Hollyj]

Thank you for being kind . I will do my best to be strong but turns out I'm pretty weak aha ... I'll try to make myself stronger so I don't get hurt again but frankly I think this has put me off relationships for a while.

 

You are strong, you must simply believe it.

[melody147]

I feel miserable.

[melody147]

a month without seeing his face.

3 weeks almost no contact.

[melody147]

He just blocked me on facebook.

[melody147]

Guys how do I interpret him blocking me on facebook after 4 weeks NC on Saturday. He also unfollowed my friend on Instagram today after she posted a picture with me, her and another friend. I feel lost, hopeless, and hurt that he's erasing me like this. I thought NC might help but he didn't reach out he just decided apparently to block me.

[SweetGirl28]

Guys how do I interpret him blocking me on facebook after 4 weeks NC on Saturday. He also unfollowed my friend on Instagram today after she posted a picture with me, her and another friend. I feel lost, hopeless, and hurt that he's erasing me like this. I thought NC might help but he didn't reach out he just decided apparently to block me.

 

He's sending you a very strong message, and you need to hear it.

He does not want anything to do with you at this point.

 

I'm sorry you're so hurt, be strong. Respect yourself.

NC isn't for hoping your ex will return, it's to heal.

[melody147]

He just called saying he was sorry and that i deserve better and he's been doing lots of self-reflection; also he's having a religious crisis. also said that he will try not to call for a while? idk the confusion is real. why would he ever call me again LOL i dont need his check-ins.