Wife and I have sex but she doesn't need/want the passion.

[thealchemist]

You and your SO honestly sound a lot like how we were. I like sex everyday and she was more of a couple times a week person.

 

She also doesn't care about foreplay and stuff as much as me.

 

Her aging helped. But we started dating at 17 and are 30 now. If you are a bit older chances are slim that it will change a lot past 30s.

 

She also changed birth control. That also helped a lot.

 

But the biggest thing was we both talked a lot about it and put in a lot of effort over time to try to find a happy medium for us both. I can't stress this part enough. It is awkward to try to deal with sometimes but sexual incompatibility is a big reason why relationships fail. We didn't want that to happen so we both changed it together the best we could.

[tattoobunnie]

Let me guess - you two have kids? And those kids starting zapping away at getting her freak on??

 

It does take time to get back into the swing of things - and how you do that with this type of lady? Romance her. Go on dates. She needs mental stimulation to get her all hot and bothered and worked up down there. She needs for the emotional initimacy to be her foreplay. Just doing stuff together is not the same thing as romance. It's dinners you cook together (without kids), it's going for walks holding hands, it's going dancing, or on VACATION - sure I sound like an infomercial. but if you are looking for romance in the bedroom, it starts with romance between the ears (her brain). Plan dates. Do not leave it up to her to plan things. When a woman has to plan every event, UGH, that itself is the biggest libido killer.

[reinventmyself]

I just signed up in tapatalk today and I guess I don't understand your comment regarding the irony. Did I break some protocol by posting here or what I posted? I don't see an advertisement so I don't really know what you're saying there.

 

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this was directed at the poster Yesso who suggested you get attention outside of your marriage but also has a subtle add for being of help to others.

[mosoldier]

Your current situation is solvable, and you have the power to make it better.

 

What you are saying here is that your wife is not giving you as much attention as you'd like. The fewer frequncy of sex and the less intimite experience is only the byproduct of her distance. You said here: "she doesn't really like kissing or anything like that. Light kissing she's fine with, but anything deeper, closer to making out kind of thing, she doesn't like." This shows, it is not a matter of sex drive. She is not providing the emotional bonding that you desire.

 

Look the big picture objectively and remove the miniscule details (in your example: such as time, circumstances, etc.), details only boggle your mind. You need more quality attention from your wife, simple as that.

 

The only way you can garner more attention from your wife is for her to desire to give you attention. You cannot force attention, you cannot debate her into giving you attention, she has to want to give it to you.

 

So, how do you make her desire to give you more attention? i.e. more kissing, deeper connection, more sex, etc.

 

You increase her interest level. You said here: "she hasn't always been this way". This tells me, her interest level has decreased slowly throughout the years, yet that also means, she once had a much higher interest level, therefore you absolutely can gain it back.

 

You can increase interest level via several means, since you said "that just wouldn't achieve the connection I'm seeking anyway", I respect and honor that. Jealousy is only one of the many ways (albeit a powerful one).

 

I have mentioned before, your relationship is lopesided. The power dynamic is tipped in her favor (she cares less, while you are desperate), so you need to pull back (care less), and watch her interest level shoot throught the roof. It's counter intuitive, but you need to less desperate. Have other concerns in your life besides your wife. Go to the gym, get a six pack. Go work harder, get a promotion. Learn a new hobbie, make new goals for yourself.

 

Any of the above will effectively make you less available (and at the same time more desirable). The more you chase, the more she backs off, the more you are unavailable, the more she will desire to get your attention. This has nothing to do with jealousy, it has to do with constructing positivity in your life to achieve a desirable balance in your relationship.

 

Your new achievements will elicit a natural desire for her to be with you. This is two birds with one stone, you will look better and feel better, she will also feel a natural tendency to seek your attention. Your wife will want to make out more, have sex with you more; a deeper connection will follow in suit.

While I would agree with most if not all you've said here, I've been doing most of those things already with little to no affect. I'm recently out of the army reserves and am in ok shape (could be better). I get up at 0400 every morning to work out, go to the gym, run, etc. I have a number of hobbies, I'm a wood worker, I hunt, fish, kayak, etc. My fairly successful civilian career has always kept me busy and stressed, but I've learned to leave that stress at work when I go home (and when I'm not on call). I don't just hang around the house and hound her for sex. I don't initiate it daily and nightly either. My desperation isn't for sex, it's for more intimacy during sex. We love each other and if I really wanted sex, she'd have it with me, and if she wanted anything I'd do it for her. But like you and I agree, you can't force intimacy from another person or from yourself. That's why I don't blame her for this, I know it's not a choice she's consciously made.

I will take to heart all that has been said in here and be more intentional about my, I don't know, disinterest to try to peak her interest. Honestly, all this smacks lightly of manipulation though. I agree that behavior modification on both of our parts is needed so I'll do what I can, but I've already been down this same road of trying to garner interest by withdrawing mine (to a degree) and it hasn't really helped. She may want more sex, but I guess her likes and needs are different than mine so it ends up just more of the same.

[KantSleep]

"She wants it, but she wants to get there, do it and get it over with. She doesn't really like kissing or anything like that. "

OK... She doesn't really want it if she wants to get it over with. She is performing her wifely duties. As far as no kissing goes, that sucks. Sorry about all of this, sounds like a drag. I enjoy passion in lovemaking. That's why I like it. What you describe would send me packing. I have no good answer. Therapy, if that doesn't work, maybe you need to evaluate if this is a marriage you can stay in.

[shellyf62]

It was so sad to read your thread.

I am a divorced woman who would give anything to meet a man like you.

I know some people dont enjoy sex, but I honestly dont understand it.

There is nothing more wonderful than true passion with someone you love.

I hope things get better, but I honestly dont think they will.