My best friend said he doesn't have time for me anymore and wished me best of luck with my future

[NSAL]

We've been friends for a few years and knew we kind of liked it each other. we'd always been there for each other and supported each other in our careers. he would always say we are just friends though but he would treat me like a girlfriend. We hooked up just recently and everything seemed fine and it felt normal. Until I noticed him pull away and I asked if everything was ok and he said I think we are just friends and we'll leave it as that, I love you to bits but as a friend and I hope you find a soul mate and he better be good to you. I was really upset and he kept saying just think we are great friends and we are always there for each other. Our mutual friend got up him about it and said you know how she feels about you and you did that and he just said I wanted to see if we had anything and then he said it was just bit of fun no strings attached thing. That made me wild and I didn't talk to him for a few weeks. He asked me to meet him out for a drink after we'd gone to separate parties. we were dancing and having a great time, we were happy too see each other, he seemed to be into me again,flirty etc and then he said he was going to another club to meet his friends and for me and my friend to meet him there but he wouldn't wait for us to finish our drinks and just left. we got to the other club and he wasn't there, then he messaged and said come to another club and that he's got me a drink, 20 min later we got there but I couldn't find him.I was messaging him but he was just saying things like party woohoo. I was getting really angry cause I couldn't find him and I just wanted to hangout with him and so I began calling him names and why does he ditch me (he has done this before while we were out) and then he replied 'Sorry but I took a girl home, hope you got lucky, thanks for the drink'. I was so devastated and angry I called him names again and then he blocked me on messenger. I couldn't stop crying and wondered why he would tell me that he took someone home knowing full well how I feel about him. So I deleted him off all my applications and said how could he rub it in my face like that, I am so over him and that our friendship was ended. The next day I regretted it and apologised and said that I was so upset that I couldn't find him and that he told me he took someone home and if I could just call him to talk. He said sorry he was working all day and that he was busy and that he no longer has time for me, and best of luck in my future. I was so upset that he wrote everything off just like that. He's now blocked my calls, blocked all of my applications except Facebook. He won't reply to any of my text messages. I am devastated that I have lost him and blame myself for pushing him over the edge

[RedDress]

With friends like that, who need enemies - right?? I just want to start by saying that I think it's highly inconsiderate and immoral of him to sleep with someone who he knows has feelings for him, and then expect it to be NSA. I mean... you can see this happening a mile away. But then, for him to be extra cruel (rather than graceful and tactful) by saying "Oh! I took someone else home. Thanks for the drink". It's just highly unnecessary. Especially if you were already in no contact prior to that.

 

With that said, I do think you could have done things differently and I don't think you are completely innocent (although your intentions were probably pure).

 

I don't think it's wise or fair to sleep with someone and to have expectations attached to that which are not voiced. It's like getting someone to sign a contract that they don't know they are signing. If you hadn't discussed turning it into a relationship or turning it into more, your assumption should have been that it was NSA. It was on you to clarify as much as it was on him not to try it. It's like an unwritten double-fail safe. As much as what he did was not nice, you are also responsible for your own actions.

 

Then, you got a mutual friend involved who you got to take your side - making him the bad guy.

 

If he has been a flake before, was it part of the unknown "contract" that you would suddenly expect it to change? Why would things be different now? Are you sure your reaction and name-calling was not tainted by the already emotionally tense situation?

 

But then the "coup de grace" of "I took someone else home" - there is no excuse for that. It may or may not be true. That hurt was simply intentional - no other explanation. Maybe he already felt like the bad guy so he thought why not throw a grenade at it?? It was exceptionally cruel and IMO unforgivable.

 

I think you should forget about this guy. He clearly does not care about your feelings or respect you as a friend. This is not someone you should want in your life.

[catfeeder]

The private thing I'd take from this going forward is that the time to establish exactly where I stand with someone and where he stands with me is BEFORE sex. That's self respect that needs to be held by you, first, before you can expect anyone else to respect you.

 

Most of us have needed to learn the hard way about sleeping first, asking questions later. Everyone projects their own unique meanings onto sexual behavior, and trying to true those up AFTER you've already bonded through sex and are emotionally invested will too often break your heart.

 

The good news is, most of us who've loved have had our heart broken before, and we've survived it. The choice to make now is whether this experience will teach you a self awareness and confidence going forward, or whether you will use it instead to harm yourself and prevent yourself from being open to love when it finds you.

 

Head high, and decide that you are worth more than crumbs from someone who has proven that he doesn't own the capacity to appreciate your unique value.

[1a1a]

If you were to continue to interact with this guy (your life will be better if you don't), know that he Is going to make you feel like you felt at the club when he told you he took someone home again in the future.

[DancingFool]

Wow...... I wouldn't be that cruel to an enemy the way this guy was to you. I'm sorry but he is no friend to you and you need to do your own blocking of him.

[NSAL]

Thank you, makes me see more clarity.

 

Yes he's always said that we're just friends but recently before we slept together we got pretty close and he opened up a lot to some tough times he was going through. He started putting xo's on the end of messages and we'd always say goodnight to each other. We would chat on messenger for hours. He took me to dinner and I'd often come to his house to watch him work horses, and he came to mine to watch movies and eat popcorn. I know that doesn't have a 'contract' but I guess I just thought we'd known each other for years and his actions were changing.

 

The only reason I went to my friend is that she used to like him too and basically did the same thing to her, and to other of their mutual friends. Its almost like he would make them think that he liked them and then soon as he got what he wanted from them he'd just say 'nah just friends'. Kind of like he played them I guess

 

I do wish I could of done things differently. The thought that I've lost a friend is devastating to me cause thats the most important thing to me.

[RedDress]

Yeah... he's not your friend, though. Friends generally go out of their way to protect friends and their feelings. He has shown a complete disregard for your emotional well-being. That is not a friend.

 

It sounds like this is his MO. That he likes to take advantage of the fact that many people make assumptions at the beginning of relationships.

 

It's very much uncomfortable and awkward to have a "where is this going" conversation before sleeping with someone. It's kind of like the condom conversation. It can definitely interrupt the "flow" and passion a little to start asking questions. But both are entirely necessary if you don't want to get hurt (or risk catching a disease).

 

I only mentioned your part in things because you cannot control the actions of others - you can only control your own. Choosing to put 100% responsibility on him would mean that you are left vulnerable to it happening again. Seeing where you could have done things differently allows you to protect yourself in future.

 

... but in no way should you feel like you destroyed the friendship. He did that pretty well himself.

[NSAL]

Yeah and thats the approach I had, like going with the flow but next time I'll be smarter. He even said to me once to keep it simple, let things happen naturally.

 

I've worked hard on myself mentally and physically but this one always takes the cake - I'd get on track then I'd be pulled back by him reaching out to me, getting my hopes up again - but then he'd slap me with the just friends thing and Facebook would greet me with his activity on my news feed (I would feel this hot flush go threw me), adding successful sporting women that he competes with, liking there photos, replying to their comments. When I'd say congratulations on a post of his after he'd had a win in his competition he would never like or reply to it but would reply to others - I would feel left out or hidden. I use to have a joke about it and he would always say your overthinking things again. But I can't help but feel that I was never good enough for him, that was always chasing someone better, someone like the successful sporting women. It's left me with having that same feeling of not being good enough for any guy

[Jibralta]

Yikes, what a creep! I don't think he was ever your friend. Just a wolf in sheep's clothing. His behavior was not your fault. I hope you get his hooks out of you and move on.