DyanH123 Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 I met a guy online we dated for 2 months and everything was fantastic. I have 2 kids and he has none. We are both in our 40s and the fact he had never lived with a partner or had kids was a bit of a red flag for me. But I liked him so I continued to go with the flow. Anyway couple of months in and we planned for him to meet my kids as we were planning a short holiday together, with friends and my kids. We postponed the first meetup cos he claims he fell asleep..hmm so on the second night when he was late I didn't bother to text to ask if he was coming. He texts me 45mins after he was due to say he is on his way and be there in a half hour (typical bachelor I think doesn't have to worry about the clock) I text him if you're still at home don't worry we had dinner without him and if you wanted to be here you would..then he dumped me. I still want him back I feel he didn't give it a chance. He gave no explanation other than he had doubts in his mind and talking wouldn't change anything ? I asked him to think about it some more and he said Ok. I haven't heard from him since..3 weeks now. I text him a couple of days after the dumping and said I miss you..no reply. So last week I wrote him a letter (yes I posted it too, it was a relief to do so cos I wrote all the things I wanted to say but couldn't) i didn't plead or beg. I have had no reply I didn't expect one actually. But I still want him back I know I should move on cos clearly he is not that into me..but is there any hope? Should I try contacting him again, not a good idea I know considering I have heard nothing but I thought if I gave ir more time...he may change his mind. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 I don't see much to pin hopes on here, I'm afraid. No, don't try contacting him. You've tried that twice now, with no success. He doesn't wish to be contacted. I know it hurts, but he was evidently not the right man for you. Honestly, meeting kids just 2 months in is very quick - particularly for a man who's lived his entire life without the responsibilities that naturally come with children. My guess is that he realized he can't handle that. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 No, leave it - every time you contact him you will meet with disappointment, no matter how much you tell yourself you won't. Move on and find someone who really would be interested in a relationship with you. Link to comment
RedDress Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 Speaking from someone who doesn't have kids, meeting my bfs kids was a huuuuuge deal to me. It was certainly much more nerve-wracking meeting them then anyone else in his life. We did this at about the 5 month mark. It's not that I'm not familiar with children (I am)... it's that - unless you are a terrible person, you really want to be pretty darn sure about your relationship with the parent before going there. You don't need to be a parent to know that it's pretty harmful for kids to see partners coming in and out of the parent's life. *I* certainly don't want to contribute to a child getting messed up. Also, it kind of immediately intensifies the relationship. Now, it's not a relationship with one person, it's a relationship with multiple people. So, if you are going to take up one of the precious "meeting the kids" spots, I wanted to be pretty darn sure about the parent (which is kind of a catch-22 without having met the kids). Then - and no parent wants to admit this - but not all kids are created equal. Some kids I adore (luckily this is true of my bfs kids) and some kids are - shall we say - less charming? Think of the very worst kid in your child's school with behavioral problems and imagine dating THAT person. I'm sure that kid's parents think they are a doll. You really don't know until you meet them. Finally, the kids may or may not be open to you. It could be a function of how long ago the separation was. It could be a function of age or attitude. I can say that for me, the change in lifestyle did not factor into the stress because that was considered even prior to the first date. It was all of those other things - and as a result - the relationship pressure it added. I felt that I could no longer decide on a whim to breakup because it affected several people and that would be completely unfair. I think he did you a favor. He likely weighed all those things I talked about above and was simply not sure if your relationship could go the distance - so he did not want to take it to the next level. It sounds like his mind is pretty made up. In future, though, you may want to wait a bit longer to introduce your kids and be sure that he is ready to meet your kids too (not from a pressured place). Link to comment
Knight2001 Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 hi, im sorry to read this post. i find it very sad. there are a few people who will say 2 months is too early for someone to meet your kids. why do they say that? if you feel a relationship is likely to last then IMHO your partner should meet your kids when you think it is right, there is no official validation time, so it's your relationship and your kids. you must have agreed with him for him to meet them , not just told him he's meeting them and he let you down twice. what i have seen in my own relationships is this.....i have children from previous relationships and if i've been in a relationship with someone who has no children there is no end to the battles. they compete for affection, compete for your time, have absolutely no understanding of a parent/child relationship. some think once your kids are old enough you should more or less forget about them. what im trying to say is.....you have children, this man didnt. just forget about him. you gave him a golden opportunity to be involved in your childrens' lives and he should have been honoured. if he didnt want that he should have told you so instead of doing what he did. my advice would be to ty to find someone who has their own kids. in my experience they are much more understanding about children. good luck and i sincerel hope you and your children find happiness, although i would imagine your kids are happy now. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 A couple of months is just a handful of dates. You are still in the getting to know each other stage. You tried to take it to the next level, he showed you through his words and actions that he is not interested and then ended things. There is nothing to cling to here. Like it or not, you don't even know the man. It was pretty nasty of him to lead you on and let you think he is interested in meeting your children instead of just telling you no. At the same time, he did do the decent thing and walked away without making it any more ugly with you or leading you on. Please do not contact him anymore. There is nothing here to fix or fight for or anything else such. You didn't even get past the dating stage here and he has been crystal clear with you that this is not his cup of tea. Any more contact from you will make you look nuts. Link to comment
No1 Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 He is just not that into you. Sorry, but it didnt work out. Dont give this guy one more thought. Link to comment
DyanH123 Posted September 18, 2017 Author Share Posted September 18, 2017 A couple of months is just a handful of dates. You are still in the getting to know each other stage. You tried to take it to the next level, he showed you through his words and actions that he is not interested and then ended things. There is nothing to cling to here. Like it or not, you don't even know the man. It was pretty nasty of him to lead you on and let you think he is interested in meeting your children instead of just telling you no. At the same time, he did do the decent thing and walked away without making it any more ugly with you or leading you on. Please do not contact him anymore. There is nothing here to fix or fight for or anything else such. You didn't even get past the dating stage here and he has been crystal clear with you that this is not his cup of tea. Any more contact from you will make you look nuts. I think you are spot on, thanks very much for your advice. Link to comment
DyanH123 Posted September 18, 2017 Author Share Posted September 18, 2017 Thanks everyone for the encouraging words, I think all of you have said something that validates what I was already thinking and feeling, I just needed to hear it so I can let it go, as disappointed as I am, I know I need to move on to someone more compatible. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 Good luck with all this! xxx Link to comment
DyanH123 Posted September 19, 2017 Author Share Posted September 19, 2017 Good luck with all this! xxx Thank you. I appreciate your kindness it is uplifting even though it still hurts to know I have to just let go. Xxx Link to comment
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