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Is This Emotional Abuse?


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My bf made loose plans with me as in, I'll text you later today & we can hang out. When I got off work, I went to the local bar with some co-workers. He called me while I was at the bar & I asked him to come have a drink with us. He replied that he had stuff to get done still. I finished my drink & invited 2 co-workers to my house - they came over & we listened to music, made nachos & french fries, had a few more beers. My bf did not call me again all night. I sent my co-workers home & went to sleep.


The next day my bf is giving me the silent treatment. I told him I was sorry for disappointing him, but he did not call me nor did he want to join me & my co-workers (whom he knows). He says I blew him off to get drunk & that I have a drinking problem. I agreed that perhaps I could stay away from alcohol for awhile, especially beer (which I love) puts on weight. I asked him to stay the night with me but he said he'd feel like he's selling his soul if he did. I asked him what that meant but he would not elaborate. ?? I told him I don't want him to do something he's not comfortable with. He said he looks forward to spending the weekend h*mping me, but right now it just doesn't feel right. Again


IDK: is he way too sensitive or is he an emotional abuser?


Should I make myself unavailable this weekend? I hate stupid mind games. grr.

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You're not way to sensitive but perhaps you're a tad insensitive. He made plans to be with you but you chose to go out with friends instead of being with him. He tries to 'get you back' in the hurt department by telling you he looks forward to humping you on the weekend which makes it sound like he only wants the sex and not your company. Did that remark hurt you?


He's not an emotional abuser if that is the only incidence of him retaliating back for you hurting him. He may be emotionally immature though.


So does him saying you drink too much have any truth to it? Maybe he's just fed up with you choosing to party so much?

In any event, you both need to learn how to communicate better and end this game playing that you're both playing which translates into disrespect for one another.

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He's not abusive. He told you straight up he didn't care for your drinking and hanging out with friends when he thought he was going to spend some time with you.

You two are on two different pages. It sounds as if he doesn't care much for your life style and you do.


In the meantime he's not feeling up to spending time with you. That doesn't make him overly sensitive. You don't seem to be sensitive to how he feels.

There needs to be some sort of compromise and communication here.


Wondering is he is abusive or just insensitive because he's disappointed doesn't help.

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I really don't know how your brain jumps to this potentially being emotional abuse. Do you want to be a victim? I do think he's being a bit dramatic with the whole gag-worthy "I feel like I'd be selling my soul" routine, but in no way is he being abusive in this example.


In any case, I do think you may have put him in an exceptionally defensive position with your not-really-an-apology apology. He called you and you were out with coworkers. I think that's fair enough given the plans were still loose. But it's not on him to keep ringing you until you're done with your happy hour. You should've given him a call afterward rather than defaulting to inviting your friends over for drinks. Turning it around on him was a pretty crap thing to do.


And, like TWT, I am wondering where the alcohol comment is coming from.

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He sounds like he responded immaturely. You hurt his feelings and he got upset. Nothing remotely approaching emotional abuse...


With what you described in your post I can empathize with your bf. He could have handled it better but nothing seemed extreme.


I could see myself getting annoyed too. If I thought my wife drank a bit too much and she was partying with people. Or from the point of I thought we had plans with us yet she brought people back to her place essentially killing our plans together. If you have people at your house it changes the dynamic a bit too. I would feel like if I went over I might be kicking her friends out and I wouldn't want to be a like that. The alternative is that I could hang out with everyone but then I might be annoyed at that if I had planned that it was just the two of us.


A lot of variables that could change the scenario.


It does sound like he didn't handle it well but not extremely bad.

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Agreed. You were in the wrong on this one. You DID blow him off, IMO.


You had loose plans. You chose to do something else instead. Yes, you invited him along, but it doesn't sound like that's what he had in mind. When you were finished your drink, it was on YOU to call him (not the other way around) to let him know you were available. Instead, you basically blew him off again to hang out with your coworkers at your house and then you went to sleep.


When you discussed it the next day, of course he was upset with you! You apologized... but did you really? You put the blame back on him by saying "you didn't call" (it wasn't on him to call) and "you didn't want to hang with my friends" (that was never agreed to in the first place) - kind of showing that you did not understand what you did (so you can't be sorry at all?). His response was dramatic but not uncalled for. He did not want to come over and pretend everything was ok when you don't even really understand what you did.


As for the weekend comment - It sounds to me that he thinks all you really care about him for is sex/partying (since you were disrespectful of the time he wanted to spend with you).


It sounds to me like you are giving him the impression that you are more of a party girl then a relationship girl.

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BTW: my drinking: I'm a single mom of 3 boys. The past 10 days my boys have been gone hunting with their father. So yes, the past week I've had beers most days after work at my house with my bf. When the boys are with me I am a tea totaller! So I don't have an ingoing problem, just situational temporary freedom. That perhaps I've taken too far. Checking myself!

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