What does she want? Help please

[sauvi]

hi everyone,

 

My gf broke up with me a month ago saying she does not feel partnership spark, no feelings for me and wants to be only friends. We were together almost 5 years.

I went NC for three weeks and then called her crying and asking if there is any change of getting back together and work on our relationship. Her tone was very cold and distant, she said there is no hope as she cannot get back those feelings for me. She is sorry I am hurting but that's it.

 

She told me she started emotionally distancing herself from me at the beginning of the year. Broke up with me briefly end of April and we got back together again. During this time I have been under enormous pressure and stress from work and had no capacity for investing in our relationship and she finally realized she does not have feelings for me any longer. I wasn’t able to fulfill her needs, and really pulled back into myself while she craved our time and my attention.

 

She told me (and a mutual friend) that she is aware of the fact that she will not be able to find someone like me again (and is not seeing anyone), told me she wishes she could love me like she used to, but can't.

I wend NC for about 10 days, and got viber message from her saying how she is equally quilty for our breakup - that she understands that I wasn’t aware of anything at the time, unlike her, and that she let me fix us even though she knew I wasn’t able to do that at the time. Didn’t answer to that messages.

Day later, invitation for coffee to which I sad no. Again, day later, another invitation and I agreed. Texted her last night to ask how she was – she told me that nothing much makes her happy and that she doesn’t really understand anything anymore.

Didn’t say she missed me, just said looking forward to our meeting. I just started breathing again, and after this, I did not sleep at all last night.

What does she want now? How should I act when I see her?

 

Do you have any advice for me...your thoughts?

thanks

[Knight2001]

hi,

sorry to hear you're going through this. dont go to meet her. go NC block and delete her from everything.

move on with your life. she says she cant love you like that again. great, find someone who can once you are over her.

good luck.

[mnm24]

From what I understand, you're right...her needs weren't being met and that ultimately made her mind up a bout detaching herself from you. Can you think back and remember if she ever brought up what she was needing through out your relationship? Complaints about spending time together, having conversations, promises that kept getting broken, etc? You said she was craving time and attention...that's a big factor. And it sounds to me that she waited prior to distancing herself in the beginning of the year then gave more time as she was distancing herself. Maybe hoping you would notice the change and make you realize changes need to be made. So, because she had waited for so long, she doesn't want to emotionally drain herself anymore and get her hopes up that you are going to make the changes. She wants to feel important to you. And it seems like right now this is your last change before you lose her completely. She's scared and insecure and is probably tired of the hurt/stress of the relationship.

 

Something as small as choosing times of the day for just her and setting aside one day a week where it is about just you two could really make a great impact.

[Keyman]

The two options that come to mind are: Reconciliation and Closure, with my mind is leaning towards the latter of the two, but then I am not her.

 

She is down and can't seem to resolve her feelings, but has said she does not think she is able to love again like she did before. So, she wants to get things out in the open to make herself feel bettern and move on.

 

How to act. I would go in relaxed and reserved. Nobody but her knows what she wants, so going in hopeful could get your heart smashed. Listen to what she has to say and be accepting. No begging, crying, or anything along those lines.

[Clio]

The cause of your hurt cannot be the cure. There is nothing she can say to make things better.

 

The problem with many dumpers is that they tend to dump their feelings of guilt and uncertainty on the dumpees in an effort to make themselves feel better. They say lots of things that may give false hope to the dumpee (e.g.saying that she is aware of the fact that she will not be able to find someone like you again) when in reality it's all about trying to relieve their GUILT and make themselves feel better. Yet, at the end of the day she took inventory of your good points and she still decided that she is OK with the prospect of losing you. Imo opinion, you need to take a step back and consider how you are selling yourself sort by continuing to enable someone who has decided that you are not good enough for them (because after all that is said and done that's what it boils down to no matter how many "nice words" come out of their mouths) by sticking around and humoring their ever changing emotions . The truth is in their actions. She chose to break up. Twice.

 

This meeting is liable to create false hope for you. She will probably say lots of confusing things that a) are about her trying to make HERSELF feel better b) should not be taken too seriously as her mind is liable to keep changing. Even if she says hopeful things, what she says to you at that meeting is liable to change the next day. My advice to you is to avoid her emotional roller coaster at all costs. She is likely mourning the loss of the emotional security provided by your relationship, regardless that it was her choice. If you allow it, she will likely keep you around for comfort only to drop you the moment she feels strong enough or find someone new.

 

The best course imo is keeping no contact. That way she will get to experience the consequences of her decision instead of having you around as an emotional safety net in case she changes her mind.

 

Your best bet is to try your best to move on and do not look back unless she unequivocally tells you that she wants to get back.

[sauvi]

From what I understand, you're right...her needs weren't being met and that ultimately made her mind up a bout detaching herself from you. Can you think back and remember if she ever brought up what she was needing through out your relationship? Complaints about spending time together, having conversations, promises that kept getting broken, etc? You said she was craving time and attention...that's a big factor. And it sounds to me that she waited prior to distancing herself in the beginning of the year then gave more time as she was distancing herself. Maybe hoping you would notice the change and make you realize changes need to be made. So, because she had waited for so long, she doesn't want to emotionally drain herself anymore and get her hopes up that you are going to make the changes. She wants to feel important to you. And it seems like right now this is your last change before you lose her completely. She's scared and insecure and is probably tired of the hurt/stress of the relationship.

 

Something as small as choosing times of the day for just her and setting aside one day a week where it is about just you two could really make a great impact.

 

To answer your question - yes, she kept saying to me that it is not enough for her, that she craves my attention and wants me to focus on us - I was just not listening or not being able to act on it due to great pressure I was under. But, she expected me to act upon it, even though she could have known that I was not able to do so at that point - not that I didn't want to.

She told me that, saying that she is to blame as well.

[sauvi]

but what if I want her back? If I cut all contact, I will be closing any remote possibility of getting her back. I am very much quilty party in this relationship - I just did not listen to her when she was saying she needs things to change. If I go NC - there is no any chance of reconcilliation?

[sauvi]

I am not sure...really. At the beginning she was very cold and distant, but now, not really the case. And she honestly said nothing makes her happy anymore...Why would she feel like that if she just wanted closure?

[Clio]

If you absolutely cannot handle no contact then this may be an alternative. However, it's too much work with absolutely no guarantee of working out. It's super hard to break the dysfunction/bad relationship habits built over half a decade. My experience has been that it's best to cut contact, grieve the loss, heal, learn from the mistakes and move on to forming a better relationship with someone new.

[Rustysuit]

I agree you kinda deserve better and more than what she's giving you. To me it seems she's just giving a false hope in order to relieve herself from the guilt of breaking up.

 

My ex did the same with an e-mail a few days after she broke up with me saying I was the best bf in the world and that she never loved anyone like me. I told her I still loved her and that I hoped that still down she still loved me, but that I couldn't count on that. Just that. And then I went NC since.

 

Although it seems you have a very good chance to work things out. Your ex seems willing, but there's a very good chance she just wants to dump her feelings of guilt in you. You'll end up reassuring her of her decision and you'll part ways as "good friends". I'm sorry, but that's the most likely scenario.

 

With that said, if my ex invited me over for coffee or whatever, I'd ask "For what purpose?" and if it wasn't for reconciliation, I'd decline. No point putting myself in a position where I would just end up being heartbroken all over again.

 

Your best course of action would be to decline and be honest about the why. "I can't make it. It would hurt too much. I still love you and want to work things out between us. There's no point keeping this going if I'm going to stay in an emotional limbo. Ring me up if you ever want to talk about us and give it another shot."

 

Something along those lines.

As it is, you're walking in blind in to what is most likely an emotional disaster for you.

 

I know you'll end up going to meet her, and I understand. That's love. I hope it works out well in the end.