He's just not into me 😭

[marshmallow107]

Finally plucked up the courage to confess my feelings to my crush. Something that's taken me far too long to do, and well it looks like I've totally misread all of the signals.

 

Turns out he's very very recently started dating somebody. He brought her to the gathering we were at so I wasn't going to say anything, but we got talking and I guess I thought it's now or never. Stupid maybe - and yes I feel terrible for doing it whilst she was at the same event - but I knew I would never tell him otherwise.

 

We chatted for a bit and then he went off to find her. I let him go, but saw him again later on his own and he got really angry with me - very extreme reaction. Told me I'd messed everything up. I had no idea what he was talking about and he ran off and went home (on his own), told me to leave him alone. So now not only do I feel gutted but I also feel guilty about apparently messing something up for him?!

 

Hey ho....life moves forward right?

[arjumand]

I am sorry this happened, but I am glad you took the risk. Sometimes you take that risk and it is worth it. You will get over this -- it won't even take that long, I promise.

 

Also, his nastiness afterward hints at extreme immaturity -- so you may have dodged a bullet. DO NOT let him talk to you nastily or be rude -- just walk away if he starts misbehaving at you again.

[marshmallow107]

I am sorry this happened, but I am glad you took the risk. Sometimes you take that risk and it is worth it. You will get over this -- it won't even take that long, I promise.

 

Also, his nastiness afterward hints at extreme immaturity -- so you may have dodged a bullet. DO NOT let him talk to you nastily or be rude -- just walk away if he starts misbehaving at you again.

 

It's taken me a long time to build up to taking this risk. I wish I'd had the guts to do it sooner and I could have saved a lot of wondering and what ifs.

 

I'm incredibly confused by his anger towards me. He just kept telling me I'd ruined everything. But how could I? I don't know whether the girl left whilst we were talking or something but I feel like something happened that I must have missed.

[j.man]

Oof. You knew he brought a lady and still used the opportunity to confess your feelings to him? I don't know... I can't imagine myself getting angry and storming off, but a lady coming up and confessing feelings to me while I was with my date would be a pretty bad scenario to find myself in. How was it you just happened to come by him alone again later? He may have felt a bit of a creeper vibe (not saying you are one) and, combined with whatever drama might have happened, decided to give it to you in no uncertain terms.

 

ETA: Additionally, it's typically best to avoid "confessing feelings" when it comes to someone you haven't actually dated. It's best to simply invite them out. I'm assuming this is the same gym guy you've posted about a couple times, so forgive me if between then and now you two have begun dating in any way.

 

All that said, and so as not to come off as too harsh, I don't think you did so much worse than a lot of guys who are inexperienced coming onto women they're interested in. Just really bad timing. It's why it's often best just to get a light invitation for coffee or lunch out of the way sooner than later. A lot of folks let their crush build and build and eventually they feel like it's "do or die" and it's unfortunately often at the worst times.

[happyfrank]

You just made somebody really hate you. The other girl never did anything to you. You should of respected their space and just not say anything.

[marshmallow107]

You just made somebody really hate you. The other girl never did anything to you. You should of respected their space and just not say anything.

 

Yes trust me, these thoughts have been going through my head all day. I feel terrible, believe me.

[marshmallow107]

Oof. You knew he brought a lady and still used the opportunity to confess your feelings to him? I don't know... I can't imagine myself getting angry and storming off, but a lady coming up and confessing feelings to me while I was with my date would be a pretty bad scenario to find myself in. How was it you just happened to come by him alone again later? He may have felt a bit of a creeper vibe (not saying you are one) and, combined with whatever drama might have happened, decided to give it to you in no uncertain terms.

 

ETA: Additionally, it's typically best to avoid "confessing feelings" when it comes to someone you haven't actually dated. It's best to simply invite them out. I'm assuming this is the same gym guy you've posted about a couple times, so forgive me if between then and now you two have begun dating in any way.

 

All that said, and so as not to come off as too harsh, I don't think you did so much worse than a lot of guys who are inexperienced coming onto women they're interested in. Just really bad timing. It's why it's often best just to get a light invitation for coffee or lunch out of the way sooner than later. A lot of folks let their crush build and build and eventually they feel like it's "do or die" and it's unfortunately often at the worst times.

 

Thanks for the post j.man. It's given me a lot of perspective. Maybe I should never have said anything....and trust me I'm regretting it now and feel horrid. Trying to see the positives though. At least I know now.....

[figureitout23]

Finally plucked up the courage to confess my feelings to my crush. Something that's taken me far too long to do, and well it looks like I've totally misread all of the signals.

 

Turns out he's very very recently started dating somebody. He brought her to the gathering we were at so I wasn't going to say anything, but we got talking and I guess I thought it's now or never. Stupid maybe - and yes I feel terrible for doing it whilst she was at the same event - but I knew I would never tell him otherwise.

 

We chatted for a bit and then he went off to find her. I let him go, but saw him again later on his own and he got really angry with me - very extreme reaction. Told me I'd messed everything up. I had no idea what he was talking about and he ran off and went home (on his own), told me to leave him alone. So now not only do I feel gutted but I also feel guilty about apparently messing something up for him?!

 

Hey ho....life moves forward right?

 

Come on mashmellow, you know what you did probably wasn't the best idea.

 

While I wouldn't nessesarily get as mad as he did, if it was me I'd question 'why now'? Not only did you wait until he was in a relationship, you told him your feelings while she was there. I'd assume it was a case of you wanting what you can't have mixed in with a craving for drama, both of which I'd run from. Who knows maybe he was so upset because he had a bit of a crush too, but the fact that neither of you acted on it and now he's with someone else, I'd again say 'wth?!? Why now?'

 

Life does move forward, though. Next time, If you are interested in someone probably not a good idea to wait until his girlfriend is 3 feet away to tell him. 😜

[marshmallow107]

Come on mashmellow, you know what you did probably wasn't the best idea.

 

While I wouldn't nessesarily get as mad as he did, if it was me I'd question 'why now'? Not only did you wait until he was in a relationship, you told him your feelings while she was there. I'd assume it was a case of you wanting what you can't have mixed in with a craving for drama, both of which I'd run from. Who knows maybe he was so upset because he had a bit of a crush too, but the fact that neither of you acted on it and now he's with someone else, I'd again say 'wth?!? Why now?'

 

Life does move forward, though. Next time, If you are interested in someone probably not a good idea to wait until his girlfriend is 3 feet away to tell him. 😜

 

No I know - my timing was terrible and like I say, I feel horrid. In my defence however, I'm pretty sure he's known about my crush for a while and he has continued to flirt with me, and in my opinion, encourage me to believe that there could be something between us. At no point has he mentioned that there is somebody on the scene which he could easily have done. If anything, he's gone the other way and continued to make out how very single he is.

 

It was only a couple of weeks ago that he was talking about how he has no social life at the moment and never goes out anymore because everybody is coupled up etc.

 

So absolutely my timing was terrible. But at some point I had to have this out with him rather than continue to be confused about all the mixed signals he's been giving me. Maybe it was all in my head - but at least I know now and can move on.

[marshmallow107]

I am also the least dramatic person ever. I hate drama! To the point where generally I will avoid any form of conflict. My friends often tell me I'm too nice and I should speak my mind more. So no I definitely did not do it for the drama

[IAmFCA]

avoiding conflict often leads to drama, because it also prevents more honest, revealing conversation and connection. By the time you speak your mind, your statements are that much more intense having built up over time. Concurrently, other situations are developing and you're not hearing about them because your relationships stay in the "safe" zone. By the time you reveal your authentic self, it is likely to be a dramatic occurrence due to your own intensity, and your ignorance of relevant details of your friends/colleagues.

[marshmallow107]

avoiding conflict often leads to drama, because it also prevents more honest, revealing conversation and connection. By the time you speak your mind, your statements are that much more intense having built up over time. Concurrently, other situations are developing and you're not hearing about them because your relationships stay in the "safe" zone. By the time you reveal your authentic self, it is likely to be a dramatic occurrence due to your own intensity, and your ignorance of relevant details of your friends/colleagues.

 

It was genuinely not a conscious intention to create any drama. Stupid timing I agree and I wish I could change that. In my view we'd had a fairly civilised conversation. When he responded I accepted his answer and let him go. I did not intend to speak to him again that night - If anything I wanted to go and hide in a corner.

 

I saw one of his friends today who saw everything. He basically came and gave me a hug and asked me if I was ok. He said he couldn't understand his reaction - but that as soon as he saw me he just absolutely laid into me and ran off. I certainly wasn't out there looking for him, I was looking for my friends.

[Batya33]

It was genuinely not a conscious intention to create any drama. Stupid timing I agree and I wish I could change that. In my view we'd had a fairly civilised conversation. When he responded I accepted his answer and let him go. I did not intend to speak to him again that night - If anything I wanted to go and hide in a corner.

 

I saw one of his friends today who saw everything. He basically came and gave me a hug and asked me if I was ok. He said he couldn't understand his reaction - but that as soon as he saw me he just absolutely laid into me and ran off. I certainly wasn't out there looking for him, I was looking for my friends.

 

You knew he was there with a date. So conscious or not doesn't really matter. Maybe to you it was safer because you figured you'd tell yourself you "confessed" but obviously he wasn't going to react well given that he was on a date. I agree with the others that the way to approach a crush is not confession but simply asking a person out on a date. And not when he is on another date. Sure he might have overreacted but you chose to speak in what was at least going to be awkward. And what if he had responded favorably - wouldn't you have wondered whether you could be out on a date with him and he'd be open to responding to someone else's attention like that? He did the right thing in not responding, whether or not there was a time he was interested in you.

[figureitout23]

It was genuinely not a conscious intention to create any drama. Stupid timing I agree and I wish I could change that. In my view we'd had a fairly civilised conversation. When he responded I accepted his answer and let him go. I did not intend to speak to him again that night - If anything I wanted to go and hide in a corner.

 

I saw one of his friends today who saw everything. He basically came and gave me a hug and asked me if I was ok. He said he couldn't understand his reaction - but that as soon as he saw me he just absolutely laid into me and ran off. I certainly wasn't out there looking for him, I was looking for my friends.

 

I personally wasn't saying you were creating drama in my response but rather saying if someone came to me and expressed their feelings after I was in a new relationship, Id be wary of their true intentions. I am not accusing you of consciously creating drama. I think learning he chose someone else triggered something in you. Especially if you felt he was subtly pursuing you.

 

Is this the same guy you asked about? Your gym trainer?

[marshmallow107]

I personally wasn't saying you were creating drama in my response but rather saying if someone came to me and expressed their feelings after I was in a new relationship, Id be wary of their true intentions. I am not accusing you of consciously creating drama. I think learning he chose someone else triggered something in you. Especially if you felt he was subtly pursuing you.

 

Is this the same guy you asked about? Your gym trainer?

 

Yes that's him - at least I can close the door on things now.

 

I don't think it was him bringing a date that caused the response. I think it was how awkward he was being around me. I was polite and she got talking to my group of friends so I spoke to her and was perfectly pleasant. He wouldn't even look at me. I think it upset me I think that he could be so forward, open and flirtatious with me when we're alone but now in a group situation he was all of a sudden being dismissive.

 

When i asked if we could talk what I initially said to him was that he was acting very odd and was everything ok. He then told me that he'd recently realised that I had feelings for him and that by the time he realised he had already started seeing her. So obviously I then confirmed those feelings and said that yes I had liked him for some time etc but I could see that he was now with her etc and we talked it out. I didn't hunt him out to tell him, although I did want to clear the air and get things out in the open.

[Batya33]

I think this is a real opportunity for self-honesty. Of course he's not going to be open or flirtatious with you when she is around because she might know you had/have a crush on him.

 

If you wanted to be considerate of him being there with a date, and considerate of her, and make sure not to behave in any way that would suggest you were trying to interfere, you would either have not asked him if everything was ok at that time (you could have asked him the next time you ran into him at the gym) or if you felt you absolutely had to, once he told you he knew you'd had feelings for him you could have said "thanks for letting me know - and let's leave it at that -enjoy your evening!" or something to change the topic. Confirming that you did, and referencing his new relationship went too far in that environment especially since he couldn't know how far you were going to take things. There was no reason to clear or the air or get your feelings out in the open with a man who has never asked you out and instead asked someone else out. That's not about "being open" and "clearing the air" -that's putting your need to overshare at a public party above other people's comfort levels and feelings.

[marshmallow107]

I think this is a real opportunity for self-honesty. Of course he's not going to be open or flirtatious with you when she is around because she might know you had/have a crush on him.

 

If you wanted to be considerate of him being there with a date, and considerate of her, and make sure not to behave in any way that would suggest you were trying to interfere, you would either have not asked him if everything was ok at that time (you could have asked him the next time you ran into him at the gym) or if you felt you absolutely had to, once he told you he knew you'd had feelings for him you could have said "thanks for letting me know - and let's leave it at that -enjoy your evening!" or something to change the topic. Confirming that you did, and referencing his new relationship went too far in that environment especially since he couldn't know how far you were going to take things. There was no reason to clear or the air or get your feelings out in the open with a man who has never asked you out and instead asked someone else out. That's not about "being open" and "clearing the air" -that's putting your need to overshare at a public party above other people's comfort levels and feelings.

 

I'm sure if I hadn't had a few drinks i would definitely have made that decision. It was a big event and everybody that was there had had a lot to drink. I won't go into too much detail as I don't want to risk being identified but he was invited to this event as an afterthought - my friend who's event it was also knows him and after seeing us together (including very recently - AFTER he knew my feelings) was convinced there was something between us and wanted to give it an opportunity to blossom.

 

He turned up with a plus one to a very private event who wasn't invited and my friend was quite upset about this. I may have not respected his comfort levels and feelings I agree, but he certainly didn't respect mine either so I don't think the blame is all one-sided. He could also have shut it down once he realised I was interested but he didn't. He very much continued to give out the signals that this could go somewhere (again I don't want to say too much for privacy reasons but this was also observed by others not just me).

 

I do however already know what happened was stupid and I wish I could take it back, I really do. I had had a few drinks and the alcohol clouded my judgment. I am mortified and embarrassed. I came here for some support as I'm feeling incredibly low about it all. I know this feeling will pass eventually but right now I want the ground to swallow me up

[Batya33]

When you choose to drink you choose the consequences. It will be fine. He overreacted and I never said it was all you -but you are the one posting. The support is that this is an opportunity for you to be honest with yourself, you didn't interfere with his dating relationship -no harm done, so no worries!

 

Please don't blame someone for "signals" - yes, if he asked you out on a date and on the date told you he was into you and asked you out a number of times more knowing he was not interested that would have been leading you on. It's a free country and if he liked flirting with you at the gym he's entitled - did you ask him out on a date? If you had then he could have declined but you were flirting so he flirted back and that's ok.

[marshmallow107]

When you choose to drink you choose the consequences. It will be fine. He overreacted and I never said it was all you -but you are the one posting. The support is that this is an opportunity for you to be honest with yourself, you didn't interfere with his dating relationship -no harm done, so no worries!

 

Please don't blame someone for "signals" - yes, if he asked you out on a date and on the date told you he was into you and asked you out a number of times more knowing he was not interested that would have been leading you on. It's a free country and if he liked flirting with you at the gym he's entitled - did you ask him out on a date? If you had then he could have declined but you were flirting so he flirted back and that's ok.

 

Thank you Batya. I really appreciate your perspective. I think if he'd acted normal and friendly with me then things would have been different. The fact he was being so awkward I guess made me believe he knew he'd overstepped the mark with me. I totally see what you're saying though. Maybe it was innocent flirting which I've taken totally out of perspective.

 

I know I've overstepped the mark by saying something at the wrong time. I can't change that now. I just have to work out how I'm going to act when I next bump into him (which I'm dreading) and try to move forward!

[marshmallow107]

Oh and try to work out ways to stop overthinking everything that's happened. Feeling this rubbish and guilty is horrid but I can't shake it

[figureitout23]

Oh and try to work out ways to stop overthinking everything that's happened. Feeling this rubbish and guilty is horrid but I can't shake it

 

I know it sucks but the feeling will pass, just give it some time. We've all done things that are cringe worthy when it comes to our interactions with the opposite sex, Lord knows I have, more than once!

[marshmallow107]

I know it sucks but the feeling will pass, just give it some time. We've all done things that are cringe worthy when it comes to our interactions with the opposite sex, Lord knows I have, more than once!

 

I thought I'd got over that stage of my life but clearly not! I'm mostly dreading bumping into him again.

[Batya33]

Oh and try to work out ways to stop overthinking everything that's happened. Feeling this rubbish and guilty is horrid but I can't shake it

 

I think it will fade and pass.

 

Maybe this will help. 25 years ago (when I was in my mid 20s) I was very nervous because I was in grad school and potential employers were coming on campus to meet us. We were all running around to make sure we met everyone, had all our papers in order ,etc. I run into this guy in my class -handsome guy, etc and he is with another female classmate. I had no idea they were a couple, none. He harmlessly flirted with me (but honestly looking back it really was on the line or over the line given that his girlfriend was right there) - and I flirted back thinking he was actually coming on to me. She looked at him, annoyed and he said something like "but I didn't think she'd take it seriously!" I wanted to d.i.e. right there. In a way it was his fault I guess but it made it even worse that she was so calm, composed, pretty even on an important day like that while I was all frazzled. So many years later and I still cringe (they dated for years, she ended things with him and married someone else).

[marshmallow107]

I think it will fade and pass.

 

Maybe this will help. 25 years ago (when I was in my mid 20s) I was very nervous because I was in grad school and potential employers were coming on campus to meet us. We were all running around to make sure we met everyone, had all our papers in order ,etc. I run into this guy in my class -handsome guy, etc and he is with another female classmate. I had no idea they were a couple, none. He harmlessly flirted with me (but honestly looking back it really was on the line or over the line given that his girlfriend was right there) - and I flirted back thinking he was actually coming on to me. She looked at him, annoyed and he said something like "but I didn't think she'd take it seriously!" I wanted to d.i.e. right there. In a way it was his fault I guess but it made it even worse that she was so calm, composed, pretty even on an important day like that while I was all frazzled. So many years later and I still cringe (they dated for years, she ended things with him and married someone else).

 

I think he should be the one cringing about this one, not you!! Was it awkward afterwards or did he not care?!

[Batya33]

I think he should be the one cringing about this one, not you!! Was it awkward afterwards or did he not care?!

 

It was weird. We were in our school building, milling around the hallway because we had various appointments/interviews and so they couldn't really walk far away from me -I heard her speaking to him -not loudly- but not happily. What probably happened is that I said hi to him and said something enthusiastic or high energy about what was going on with the job fair and my guess is he probably made some comment about how he would pick me/hire me if it were up to him - but it definitely was something forward and something about my looks (so long ago!) so I probably responded with a coy "any time -you pick the day" -nothing sexual -probably just telling him I would meet up with him for a date, etc. That's when he seemed taken aback and his girlfriend (who, again, I had no clue was his girlfriend) was close enough by to hear what was going on. But I always felt intimidated by her and just embarrassed that I read him wrong.

 

So one thing I learned over the years was to be far less chatty especially when nervous (I've never been drunk -but it's similar in that when I get that way I'm tempted to be too chatty/overshare so I learned to curb that but apparently not at that stage). Fortunately I married a man who is reserved/understated so we balance each other nicely and I'm inspired by his discretion lol.