I feel trapped. How do I leave him

[Emily214]

Hello,

So I've been taken on an emotional rollarcoatser and its destroying me mentally and I need to get out but I can't bring myself to, so I'm looking for advice really

 

Basically, almost 8 months ago I met a guy off tinder, neither of us were looking for anything serious and it was basically a fwb thing, except we would go on dates/cuddle and text everyday too. I knew from the get go he never wanted a girlfriend but as time went on he kept saying things to me that suggested he was changing his mind, I.e. he would talk about our future, where we get married and have children. Now me being the fool I am, believed this which allowed my emotions to come flooding in and I fell pretty hard.

8 months later and he still doesn't want anything serious, he's made it clear he will never marry me and he treats me like crap For example, when he has arguments with one of his friends or family he will ignore me for about a week even though its nothing to do with me, he calls me "obsessed" when I want to see him (I see him once a month, maybe twice as I'm home for summer now), he promises he will ring then waits until 2AM to tell me he's going to sleep, he is never concerned about me (I was quite poorly not long ago), he never arranges us meeting its always me, hes never starys a new cinversation if the previous one has died, he never opens up about anything, whenever I ask him what's happening with us he constantly says "I don't know", and he keeps me a secret.

 

I honestly dont know why I'm still letting him do this to me, i guess im scared of being alone and I'm scared that I'll be throwing something away, that he might actually care and is just used to me putting up with his crap.

 

What should in do, I feel trapped and its destroying me.I cry every night now and I've been calling into woek sick bevause i feel so crap sbiut myself. I'm a mess but he's made me feel dependent on him.

[Emily214]

But at the same time I can't help but think I'm over reacting? I am very insecure so I cant tell if I am actually obsessive for wanting to see him, if him saying he's foing to sleep instesd of ringing ISNT a big deal.. Maybe e being I'll didnt seem that much of a concern because I was still able to go to work etc..

Maybe he just doesnt want a relatioship right now because he's still young. Although I've asked him previously why he doesn't want s girlfriend and he said "I'll tell you,another day".. He has never told me and I bought it up one more time and he got angry

[Knight2001]

hi,

this is a very sad post, and i feel deeply sorry for you. at the start of seeing this man you said you didnt want a relationship. it seems now you do, however it seems blatantly obvious that he does not.

 

"I honestly dont know why I'm still letting him do this to me, i guess im scared of being alone and I'm scared that I'll be throwing something away, that he might actually care and is just used to me putting up with his crap."

 

i dont know why you are letting him do it either. i can also suggest that you will be better off on your own as opposed to being treated like a fool by this man. currently you are throwing 2 things away that i can see: firstly your life waiting for something to happen with this man, if he's not in to you now that is not going to change and secondly you are throwing away the chance of meeting someone you can have a proper relationship with.

 

please, for your own sake end this and go NC, block, delete, just get him out of your life.

 

good luck and i hope you do find a relationship with someone who values you.

[RedDress]

I get it. You feel like you've "invested" so much into this relationship and that if you just keep sleeping with him and talking to him and spending time with him, he will eventually see how awesome you are (and I am sure you ARE awesome) and he'll fall in love with you. Unfortunately, it does not work that way.

 

The truth is, you are not just looking for a relationship label. What you are looking for is an actual relationship - which is sooooo far from what you have now. You want someone who will engage with you emotionally, who will be proud to bring you around their family and friends, who will be there when you need them, etc. You need to be with someone who wants a relationship.

 

In life, sometimes you need to realize when an "investment" is a dud and stop putting more into it. Not all "investments" pay off.

 

You need to drop this project you've created for yourself.

 

The good news is that there are a ton of guys out there who will want a relationship. You just have to find them. Back to tinder!

 

My advice for the future is to find a guy who says they want a relationship and actually behaves like they want a relationship. Someone who you don't have to change to be the guy that you want - no more projects - but who actually already is the guy that you want. That's much harder to find but the good news is that you only need to find one. Don't waste your time on people who can't or won't give you what you want.

[pippy longstocking]

Emily he is treating you like crap and you are allowing it , you have to harden up , realise no matter what he said in the beginning there is no future , he doesn't respect you and more importantly staying with him means you don't respect yourself . There is someone wonderful out there waiting for you , but you will never find him while you are allowing yourself to be held down with these chains .

[MissCanuck]

Girl, you have got to let go of this guy.

 

He probably thinks that by treating you this badly, you'll take the hint and disappear. And you really need to. There is nothing to hang on to here.

 

But you have far more power than you realize. He didn't make you dependent on him. You ignored the warning signs that he wasn't serious and kept going. I don't mean that to criticize you, but to help you recognize that if you gave yourself permission to fall for him even though he was honest from the beginning he didn't want a girlfriend, then you can also give yourself permission to cut yourself free from him once and for all. The fear of being alone should never be so huge that you hang on to something toxic that died a while ago.

[melancholy123]

There's nothing wrong with being alone. it's certainly preferable to what you are doing with a guy who doesnt really care about you.

[somehow]

Hey! Looks like you got some great advice already but your story reminded me of something I read online that sounds harsh but has helped me take care of myself so much better since I read it...

 

People do exactly what they want to do. If he doesn't call then he just didn't want to. Which sounds mean but it really means that you don't have to worry what you could be doing differently to make him call or who is distracting him from calling you, and you can just accept that he's doing what he wants and being himself and move on to someone who wants to call you every day.

[Fouronesix]

When we are in love or in lust, our judgment is clouded. We hold on to relationships we know are unhealthy for us and not progressing. I'm guilty of having held on to a guy similar to yours and he took advantage any which way he could. Your best bet is to go complete no contact and show him that you're capable of moving on without him. Maybe in the process he will finally realise that he needs to man up and claim you. You shouldn't be with someone who won't claim you after 8 long months, you're killing yourself slowly. I know how much it hurts because I did it for 11 months in the past... You can do this. Be strong.

[DancingFool]

.....but you ARE alone and actively sabotaging yourself from meeting a decent guy who would actually want a relationship with you. I mean you pretty much never see him, you two don't really talk, he won't talk to you unless you reach out. Worst of all, he is keeping your existence a secret, which always means only one thing - he is involved with someone else or multiple others even. Then again, you are not in a relationship he has made that clear to you, so....it's not like he owes you anything at all.

 

I mean truly.....if you don't want to end up alone you've got to get rid of this garbage. You can't find a decent man to be with you when your life is cluttered with such a mess.

[tesscap21]

I was in a very similar situation about a year ago, and I'm telling you from experience cut him off before you get hurt worse. People like this don't change. If he wanted a relationship he'd be in a relationship with you. He doesn't want to be alone but he doesn't want a commitment either. He's keeping you around just so he has someone to hangout with when he's bored or has no one else. I was with a guy for 7 months who didn't want a relationship either and I kept hoping he'd change his mind. He didn't want to date me but he had no problem asking me to do him favors like give him rides and take care of his cat when he went to work. Finally after 8 months I realized he'd never commit to me and that I was wasting my time. This guy is using you and you deserve someone who will care about you enough to make you his girlfriend. Do yourself a favor and tell him you're through with him, and then block his number. You won't be alone for long, but take this as a lesson not to let people take advantage of you anymore.