We are taking a break

[twiggybrat]

Hello,

I am at a loss right now. I have been going out with my boyfriend for over a year now, we moved in together after only a few months and were so happy together. Then, the last few months have been really hard. I feel as though I have really lost myself, I lost my drive, contact with friends and ended up resenting him. It wasn't his fault, I think that when you first meet someone you want to spend all your time with them, and when that euphoria wore off, I realized that I was really bored, because I did not keep up my outside relationships. The last few months have been bad. We argue at least once a week, I have become so angry with him at times that I have told him to "get out". It has taken its toll. I don't mean it but I am really unhappy right now. So, we decided to take a break for a few weeks, he moved into his parents for awhile and we are still going to talk. I just don't know if I lost him, I just want us to find ourselves again and then come back together. What do you think of taking breaks?

[ghengiscone]

My girlfriend and I were contemplating taking a break but the problem she was having couldnt really be solved by a break so im sticking by her side while she works out what she needs to. Mind you Im not sitting around waiting for her to get better, I'm having fun and ive met a great girl who has turned out to be a great friend and just what i need while my gf figures things out.

[DN]

Very often taking a break ends up as breaking up. I think you would have been wiser to have talked through your problems with negotiation and compromise. Even if this break serves the purpose and you get back together what will happen the next time you have a problem?

 

You would have perhaps have been wiser to have expressed how you felt and found the time to re-connect with your friends, find some activities on you own so you were not smothering each other, and then have enjoyed each others company when you were together.

 

I suggest that you meet with him, talk through the problems that you have in a non-confrontational way, listen to what each other has to say and try to get the relationship back on track. If you can repair things then you should use this method to resolve future problems instead of taking such drastic actions so early.

[codaaurora]

Taking a break is a good thing all the way around. It gives you both an opportunity to see what you have done wrong within the relationship.

 

In your case it was giving up your "self" becoming too involved in his world or "our" world. This is the time that you need to reclaim who you are and what you want. Nothing is more attractive than someone who is confident within themself.

 

This will also give you the opportunity to decide if this relationship is what's best for the both of you. You moved in together fairly quickly, without really getting to know each other on a more romantic, "mysterious" level. By moving in together so soon, you essentially lost your mystery for one another and began the daily drudgery of paying bills, cleaning house, hair messed, morning breath, and everything else mundane. You didn't get a chance to build your romantic sides together.

 

This will lead to what you both need and are supposed to have, either together or apart.

[codaaurora]

But I would like to say that I agree with DN that compromise and talking are the first thing you should always do first.

 

I just am such a talker that I always assume that this is the first avenue that people take and are coming here after the talk and comprise didn't work for whatever reason.

 

Follow DN's Advice first, mine second.

[twiggybrat]

Thank you for your input....however, what made DN think that we have not talked? We have talked this over and over and have come to the decision to spend the time apart to find what makes us happy and then reconnect, I do not think that it is so drastic and I thank the last person for writing, because I believe you make the most sense.

[melrich]

There is nothing wrong with taking a break if you both feel that is what you need. I think though you have to talk and work out why you need the break? What is going to change if you get back together. That is really what you have to work on.

[codaaurora]

Twiggy,

 

No problem! I'm going through a similar problem, except that my ex and I stayed together for 8 and a half years before splitting.

 

Looking back on it, I realized that we moved in together too quickly. We didn't really get to have that exciting "dating" phase, where we anticipated seeing each other, spending time together and then going to our separate homes to MISS each other. You see what I mean?

 

I know that this sounds bad, trust me I've gotten the same advice over and over on here and STILL get it when I get into one of my "moods". Start working on yourself, find out why you let some much of yourself go, why you felt you needed to delve so much into his life and then FIX IT! You need to be YOU, the person he fell in love with, the person that everyone respected, including yourself. Without that......how can you expect ANYONE to love and respect (want) you if you don't even feel that way towards yourself you know?

 

Get to that point and then see what happens! Maybe you two were meant for each other, just not right now, you get me?

 

Either way, come here, vent, write. It helps, trust me!

[DN]

Thank you for your input....however, what made DN think that we have not talked? We have talked this over and over and have come to the decision to spend the time apart to find what makes us happy and then reconnect, I do not think that it is so drastic and I thank the last person for writing, because I believe you make the most sense.

 

The last few months have been bad. We argue at least once a week, I have become so angry with him at times that I have told him to "get out". It has taken its toll.

 

There is a difference between arguing and discussing; between being calm and saying what you need and becoming angry enough to tell him to leave. If you have talked it over calmly and rationally and cannot reconcile your differences then perhaps a break is what you need. But that is not what you said in your post.

 

As with all advice on here, we can only base it on what you say - we can infer from the post, perhaps, but inference is not the same as direct information. In the end, you have to take the advice that resonates the best with you.

[twiggybrat]

Thanks, but you are not helping. Obviously, people come here because they are upset and are seeking opinions, I welcome them, but do not assume that since two people have come to words that they have not tried to be rational. How could I possibly write down everything that happened between us? It was the gist of the situation. Your comments are not helping

[DN]

Thanks, but you are not helping. Obviously, people come here because they are upset and are seeking opinions, I welcome them, but do not assume that since two people have come to words that they have not tried to be rational. How could I possibly write down everything that happened between us? It was the gist of the situation. Your comments are not helping

 

Well I was trying to help but since I am not I will post no more.

[apollocreed71]

It is hard to say what is going on with the dynamics of your relationship. But, I suggest you sit down with him and talk out your problems and grievances. Maybe both of you can write them down on paper so the other can see. Then each of you write out 2-3 ideas to slove the issue. All relationships that are new is exciting, getting to know someone, etc. The problem all relationships grow old, and you have to work on them. If you never accomplish this skill, all relationships will end in the same way, break up. If you guys still love each other, its worth working on. Often taking a break, divides you even further. Just figure out how much that person means to you. However, it cheating or abuse is involved just end the relationship. Good luck.

[twiggybrat]

Sorry, DN I am obviously very touchy right now and trying to get another person's perspective can be hard when it isn't what you wanted to hear. I am sorry. This is all new, as of today, and I do appreciate you taking the time, I came accross the wrong way. Please forgive me.

[DN]

No problem, I understand. When emotions are raw the slightest prickle can really hurt. I just want you to understand that I really do have your best interests at heart - anything I say is meant to help you get what you want.

[aschoom]

Oh, how I can relate! My ex and I have been off and on for the last two years at least. When his studies are good, the relationship is good...when his studies are bad, he breaks up with me to "focus" on school. We have taken many "breaks." I feel that if I were important to him, then he would have made compromises with me and not treat me like a game or a doll even that he can just put aside for the timebeing! Its not fair! Do anyone of you know about how people with ADD act in relationships? I don't understand how he can just throw away all of our memories and love...just because he's STRESSED! And this round, yes, its a round...he decided to end it via email!!!!

 

I still find myself waiting around for his calls/text messages and get bummed when he doesn't! He still calls....but I don't understand..

I liked what codaaurora wrote:

 

Start working on yourself, find out why you let some much of yourself go, why you felt you needed to delve so much into his life and then FIX IT! You need to be YOU, the person he fell in love with, the person that everyone respected, including yourself. Without that......how can you expect ANYONE to love and respect (want) you if you don't even feel that way towards yourself you know?

 

Get to that point and then see what happens! Maybe you two were meant for each other, just not right now, you get me?

 

I need to learn to be OK and still be happy when I don't hear from someone for a while...he needs his time to finish school and grow up...and I need to find myself again...

 

It hurts so much...and I miss the relationship....but how do I deal?? I have been trying to rediscover my self, the life I had before I met my ex....my goals, hobbies....and the fact that I didn't talk to someone everyday/night and was still happy...I gotta somehow get to that point again.

 

Please send me happy thoughts...and inspiration...

[codaaurora]

Twiggy and Ashchoon,

 

LOL, I am the last person on earth to ask on how to "move on", to get past the need and want of talking to that other person. I'm still wallowing in it myself!

 

However, I have found that by just taking a time out for myself. No expectations, no crazed diets, no rash behaviour, nothing, and just sitting around, writing, reading these boards, reading, watching sappy movies or girl kick tail movies and just OWNING my pain, letting it come....well, I'm getting better without ever having known that I was working on it.

 

I find each day easier and easier, of course, I still go through periods of depression and anxiety. That feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach, waiting for a call that your positive is not going to come is an old "friend" of mine. Why, just last night I couldn't STOP thinking about him and just finally went to bed after reading and working out and cleaning and cooking didn't work.

 

Either way though, one day you'll wake up and the need, the pain, won't be as sharp and you'll TRY to make it so, feeling guilty for loosing your feelings. Your not though, your just healing, as we all will if we would only allow our bodies to do so.

 

So find an activity (or non activity) that makes you happy and do it. Spend time with yourself. Learn about you again. Get happy just spending time with yourself. Everything else will follow and you'll find the harder stuff becoming easier.