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I'm unable to get it to stay up


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Hey all,


I'm a 28 year old guy. I'm not super fit, but I'm also not super overweight. I'm 6'3 tall and weigh 230 lbs, to be exact. I'm not sure if any of that matters or not.


A couple of weeks ago I had my first sexual experience. It was with a girl that I very much like and who I find very attractive. We are in the beginning of our relationship, and we had been friends beforehand, so I felt very comfortable around her. She knew I was a virgin, and she was very supportive and compassionate about the whole thing.


When it came to sex though, I couldn't maintain an erection. I tried to not focus on it and instead focus on kissing her, but it just would not stay up. We had a wonderful time, or at least I did (she said she did), but after about 45 minutes, we stopped before either of us could finish.


She started with oral and then vaginal, and the whole time I had a condom on.


We tried again last weekend, with the same lack of results.


This makes me scared. I have a distinct feeling why this is happening... let me explain.


As I've never had a girlfriend before, porn and masturbation was my outlet. I would look at softcore, nothing too out there. But since age 13 - that is, for 15 years - I had ejaculated in this matter.


These last couple of years have ramped up in intensity, as I began to resign myself that I would never find a girlfriend and that this was how I would take care of my sexual urges in life. It's a shame to admit it, but I'll explain my process. I would try to limit my "ritual" as I had started calling it, to once per weekend. I would get crossfaded - weed and beer - until I was lost in the imagry and videos. All the while I would be listening to music. I would softly play with myself for hours on end - usually 5 or 6 hours. I would only finish when I accidentally put too much stimulation on my penis. But I became quite good at prolonging the whole thing.


After I finished, a wave of shame would usually come over me, and I would fall asleep. I would hope that I didn't have a hangover the next day.


I feel so ashamed writing that, and I'm horrified about what I may have done to myself.


From the very first time we switched from friends to more than friends - from the very first kiss - I haven't looked at a single image of porn. I haven't really even had any urge to. I haven't even masturbated. It's been three weeks. I told her about my porn addiction after our first time, and she was completely understanding. I also told her that I'll never look at porn again, and that's a promise I intend to keep. However, I didn't tell her the details of my porn addiction that I've told you guys.


She is extremely supportive about this entire thing. She says that it's not a deal breaker that I'm having trouble getting it up, and that I am supporting her emotionally, which is enough for her.


I don't crave sex, but I do want to be able to overcome this problem. I want to pleasure her sexually first and foremost, but I also need to be able to finish.


So, here's the big question: have I permanently screwed myself up? Is there anything I can do? Or am I unable to escape the consequences of my past? Also, should I let her in on the exact details behind my past addiction (as she said, this is something for us to both figure out), or would that scare her off?

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It's pretty normal for some men to struggle with errections early in the relationship. Sex is new, it's different than the stimulus you give yourself. Relax, have fun, stop shaming yourself. Your partner sounds lovely, game and excited to explore with you. Trust her and explore without expectations.


And really start working on that sexual shame. You are a pretty normal human male. Nothing to torture yourself over.

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Same thing happened to my son from what I understand. I think during your formative years before your brain is fully developed, your brain can become hardwired to whatever stimulus. He asked advice about it and I suggested he stop using porn. After a while things got back to normal. The brain is very resilient, even when you're older. It can be rewired to new habits. There are people that are almost 100% functional with literally half a brain due to injury. Give it more time.

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3 weeks is not much time for you to allow yourself to get used to the real world. Remember porn is not real and you have been taking care of yourself so long and so frequently that it will take some time for you to make the switch to a real woman.


I seriously doubt you have screwed yourself up but it will take a little time but you are on a good path so far. Stopped cold turkey, was honest with your girl and want a healthy physical relationship with a real woman.


Give it a few more weeks and see if there is any improvement and if not go see your doctor. I would guess over time your body will forget about the fantasy sex you watched and will begin to respond accordingly.


In the mean time make sure you take care of her in other ways...




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I agree with the above posters.

I also wanted to point out that weed and beer can make cause a man to have more difficulties maintaining an erection. If you're not smoking or drinking on the day it still can make a difference.

Those things are hard on a body and are not healthy.

You might want to try either cutting down on both or deleting both. I'm sure if you spoke to a doctor about this problem he would advise you the same as anything that might be causing this issue should be taken out of the picture, at least for now.

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It's quite common for guys to have problems maintaining an erection in the early days of any relationship. It's also common for early sexual experience to be fraught with so much stress that it's difficult to maintain an erection, too. So there's nothing unusual about either of these.


Condoms minimise sensation, including the super-light ones available these days; also guys who are accustomed to the firmer pressure of their own hand may find the softness of a vagina not enough to stimulate them to begin with - so if you can get to the stage of not using a condom then you may find oral sex to be more conducive.


I very much doubt you'll have any problems in the longer term. You are in a loving, supportive relationship and are taking your time. If it helps, one of the most rampant lovers I've ever had was a very quiet guy who had problems to begin with; it took about six weeks before trust, familiarity and adjusting to new experiences all came together. So to speak.


Good luck!

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