9 years and dumped on facebook

[misterjister]

I joined here to ask for advice. Pretty desperate at this point. You've probably seen hundreds of these but i figure its worth a try - and maybe writing it out will help me if not.

 

Background:

 

We were together 9 years and I moved to her house 80 miles away. after a bad row i moved out a year ago back to my hometown and we had a break of a month, but on getting back together visited every other week and spoke/text everyday up until 4 weeks ago.

 

Must add at this point. The "now ex" was always insecure about me going off with someone else even when times were good. She was 15 stones and self conscious of it. On our short break i did meet a girl who was interested in a relationship and i liked her too. As promised i told ex if anything ever happens with me meeting anyone else that she'd be the first to know ( i said that a lot to head off the convo when it arose). So I told her. She freaked. She constantly rang my phone in hysterics, texted, facebooked, photos of sad crying face etc.

 

She begged me and i thought after all we'd been through we should try again. I called it off with the new girl. (only met her 3 times)

 

So we got back together for a year until we had a bad row and i moved out - but continued long distance as i mentioned.

 

Ex got more work orientated, lost 4 stones in weight. I then noticed a change. She started being rotten to me on my visits, speaking to me like crap which made me leave several times but was then fine again on phone/facebook straight away.

 

 

Then it happened the "let's just leave it, it's not working" convo after a whinge text chat where i mentioned it was our anniversary of me moving out. she said that was the final straw mentioning that.. I said is there someone else because I'd noticed a new guy appear on her facebook and had suspicions.. "no he's just a work colleague"

1 week after she ended it "i've met someone else sorry x"

 

9 years together. dumped on facebook and the week after she's got a new man.

 

I cant help think that the flirting had been going on a lot longer if not more. Anyway.. practical advice needed

 

Videos say No Contact for 30 days. But all the time theyre cementing. I was very upset when i found out. but she wouldnt speak on the phone for a week. i then cried my eyes out on the phone and did what relationship experts say not to do.

 

She blocked me on facebook (so did her new boyfriend though i'd never contacted him). I've had a few text replies on whatsapp but nothing for 4 days since i asked a question that wasnt about the relationship. All i got was "i've moved on" "it's end of" etc anyway.

 

I want her back but believe i have a 1 in a thousand chance at this point. She was my best friend. the breakup was traumatic enough and she said she would get a new man "in time" but then the new man arrived within days. It has to have been planned out well in advance and it's pretty much destroyed me as i think of them together.

 

Any thoughts or advice please? Is she rebounding - or if its been going on longer than i knew it's different? Does NC 30 days apply here? Is there anything other than "focus and improve yourself" that I can do? (i am doing that the best i can already)

 

Sorry for ramble. I'll close now.

 

(mods: i posted this by mistake on someone elses thread also please delete)

[MissCanuck]

If it's been going on longer than you knew (and I imagine it was) then it's not exactly a rebound. That's generally the territory of dumpees, not the people who willingly end the relationship.

 

My guess is that she started getting closer to this guy a while ago and was emotionally detaching from you and pushing you away - hence the random nastiness. She then needed her exit - hence the sudden departure when you mentioned the anniversary of you moving out. The way she chose to go about was immature and speaks volumes about her respect for you. She sounds like a stroppy teenager. How old is she, anyway? And you?

 

It could be that after 9 years, this has run its course but you both had difficulty really letting go because you'd gotten so used to each other. Going No Contact for 30 days won't change that, if she's well and truly checked out. It will, however, help you clear you head and begin to detach. You will first need to understand whether you want her back because you are truly in love with her, or because she's all you've known for so long and you don't want to be alone. It will take you some time to truly untangle your own emotions about this and see whether there really was anything left to hang on to by the time it ended.

 

The truth is that if she doesn't want to hear from you and has blocked you, there's not much you can do anyway.

[rosephase]

Why do you want her back? She was your best friend but she treated you so badly you had to leave her house to take care of yourself? You two already broke up once before. So clearly there were long standing issues.

 

So the question is: do you actually want her back? Or do you want the idea of a relationship with her back? Because your relationship sounds like it was not fun.

 

What you do to work on yourself is really look at the way she treated you, really look at the way you treated her. Think about why you fell into hurtful patterns. Figure out why you stayed when she was treating you so poorly.

[Starlight925]

Why did you spend 9 years together without getting engaged?

[Keyman]

Honestly, I would suggest that this has been building since your break and after you moved out. Statistically, relationships do not survive long after a break. It's the beginning of the end in most cases and is literally the beginning of the term, 'breakup'.

 

I suggest it was at that time she decided the only way to get another man would be to start working on herself, losing weight, etc. Once you got back together, it got easier for her to pursure her efforts to move on as having someone at least eased the loneliness that comes at the beginning of a breakup until as MissCanuck above said, she found her out and took it.

 

It's not going to be an easy path for her either, just stepping into another relationship straight away doesn't take away the baggage from the past.

 

Begin the process of closing the door and moving on. Let us know how it goes.

[misterjister]

Thank you Misscannuck. You've said what i've thought after analysing and re-analysing. She was detaching all the time and flirting at work and weighing up options. She isnt the kind of girl who would rush into something and then look foolish afterwards, she's very measured like that. We are both in our 40's.

 

So I just leave her and new man to get on with it and spend time healing myself then i suppose? There's nothing i can do? I got prescribed valium by the doctor in order to sleep - i'd do anything to get her back, but i know i'd find it hard to trust again.

 

I am truly in love with her. But in love with how she used to be not how she became. Since the weight loss to me she became hard, arrogant, bossy and full of herself...and obviously she's been getting compliments that she hasnt ever got before. I'd been with far prettier girls but i loved her for who she was. sincere, loving, and most of all TRUSTWORTHY. Funny how things change isn't it? She lost loads of weight and her Sexual Attractiveness went up several levels and boom.

I was respectful and listened to her crying on the phone and i mean hysterical when she thought i was with someone else. When it was the other way around post weight loss she wouldnt even answer the phone and told me it was overon facebook!

 

I truly beleived we were just riding through a rough patch. I should have seen the signs. Guys need to know about the dangers of slimming!

 

Rosephase "So the question is: do you actually want her back? Or do you want the idea of a relationship with her back? Because your relationship sounds like it was not fun."

 

Both to be honest. It's what ive been used to for so long but taking a step back and looking the power shifted to her- she was always emotional and clingy and changed to arrogant and aloof. She started being more like me and me more like her i guess. It wasnt always fun - we had little in common really but our shared lives. But we did have a strong bond and (i thought) loyalty.

 

LHGirl Good question! I married young (shotgun wedding/ pregnant) and it was a disaster lasting just 3 years. I should have proposed somewhere down the line. Neither of us wanted anymore children. Either way the end would have been the same though except now no divorce to go through.

 

Also to add. Ive had 3 long term relationships previously (4yrs, 5yrs, 3yrs married) but this was the longest at 9years. The ex had only had 1 on volatile one for a couple of years in her early 20's with whom she had a child. She seemed to think i was an expert on relationships and used to bring it up that she didnt know how to behave and had only ever loved me. I don't know if this makes any difference?

 

Anyway to close (sorry it's so long already and big ups if you got this far)

 

I admit heartbroken but starting to feel more disgusted by it now after a week. This is normal yes? How do you cope when you know theyre together having sex? i'm finding that hardest right now.

 

Thank you so much for your replies.

[misterjister]

how do you begin that process Keyman? Whats the best plan?

[MissCanuck]

Mid-40s?!

 

I'd honestly have guessed she was early 20s, based on your description! Yikes.

 

I think you need to keep in mind that you are in love with who she used to be, not who she is now. For that reason, I think it would be best to let this go. Hanging on to a hypothetical (maybe she could be that woman you once loved) is not healthy. My honest guess is that she herself had already checked out when you moved out, but freaked out when she thought you were dating someone else because she didn't want you to move on before she had. She didn't want to be alone. But when someone else did come along, she discarded you. You'd served your purpose as her prop until she met a new guy.

 

But the loving relationship? It sounds like that is a thing of the past. You two have traveled a rocky road the last little while and I think that's the signal that you both were actually detaching from each other and wanting different things.