RedPencil Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 Hi all, New here - just joined the site. I need an outlet to vent and talk to people in similar situations. A support group so to speak. About 5 weeks ago I dumped the man I love because I finally accepted that he is a sociopath, a psychopath and narcissist all in one. He had a LOT of issues and problems from the past which haven't been dealt with. We had an incredible chemistry, so much in common and looked great together. Everybody thought we were made for each other. A perfect couple. We were together 2 years on and off, it just didnt feel right for me and I kept breaking up with him but due to very poor personal boundaries at the time, I let him back in. It was a distance relationship and he would only come to stay for a few days every other weekend (sex-motivated I now see). We corresponded on email and by phone. He had massive intimacy issues and was completely emotionally unavailable. Yet I chose to love him. To this day I don't know if I loved him or if I simply trauma-bonded with him. ( I grew up in an abusive household, my father was an alcoholic who psychologically, emotionally and physically abused my mother, as well as me and my sisters. Because of this, I later learnt, that I have a natural predisposition to attach to someone who would potentially abuse me.) I spent years self-developing and learning so that I could better understand myself and my background. I spent months in therapy and have finally become as conscious as I could ever be. I know that dumping the man I love was the right decision because he wasn't good for me but I still miss him. I am sad but I imposed NCEA (which means no contact ever again). I am glad that I did. Been 5 weeks of no contact and I have no intention nor desire to reinitiate. He really was a rubbish man. It was all about him, him and him. It was going it be his way or the highway. He treated me like crap as if I was some kind of thing to be humiliated and mistreated. He had a thing about dominance which to some extent I enjoyed and it was usually well balanced. I trusted him. But one day, it freaked me out when he once said "I want to **** you until you bleed". That kinda disturbed me. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt but I could see that underneath was something, not very nice. He was acting and trying hard to be nice so that he could sexually exploit me. He was so weak on so many levels. When I stood up to him, to tell him how he makes me feel and/or express my needs, he would run off, not bother to explain anything. He would accuse and blame me for everything and/or would then give me silent treatment for days. That was so frustrating and upsetting. I still cant believe I subjected myself to this for nearly two years. Horrible experience. Still, I think I loved him. I feel ok about the break up but I cannot help but feel sorry for myself as there are negative consequences this type of relationship has caused. I now feel like I cannot trust anyone and cannot even imagine being close to anyone ever again. Feels like I lost something really important though I appreciate that it is still early days and I am grieving. Any thoughts are welcome. Link to comment
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