I dumped the man I love to protect myself

[RedPencil]

Hi all,

 

New here - just joined the site. I need an outlet to vent and talk to people in similar situations. A support group so to speak.

 

About 5 weeks ago I dumped the man I love because I finally accepted that he is a sociopath, a psychopath and narcissist all in one. He had a LOT of issues and problems from the past which haven't been dealt with. We had an incredible chemistry, so much in common and looked great together. Everybody thought we were made for each other. A perfect couple.

 

We were together 2 years on and off, it just didnt feel right for me and I kept breaking up with him but due to very poor personal boundaries at the time, I let him back in. It was a distance relationship and he would only come to stay for a few days every other weekend (sex-motivated I now see). We corresponded on email and by phone. He had massive intimacy issues and was completely emotionally unavailable. Yet I chose to love him. To this day I don't know if I loved him or if I simply trauma-bonded with him. ( I grew up in an abusive household, my father was an alcoholic who psychologically, emotionally and physically abused my mother, as well as me and my sisters. Because of this, I later learnt, that I have a natural predisposition to attach to someone who would potentially abuse me.) I spent years self-developing and learning so that I could better understand myself and my background. I spent months in therapy and have finally become as conscious as I could ever be.

 

I know that dumping the man I love was the right decision because he wasn't good for me but I still miss him. I am sad but I imposed NCEA (which means no contact ever again). I am glad that I did. Been 5 weeks of no contact and I have no intention nor desire to reinitiate. He really was a rubbish man. It was all about him, him and him. It was going it be his way or the highway. He treated me like crap as if I was some kind of thing to be humiliated and mistreated. He had a thing about dominance which to some extent I enjoyed and it was usually well balanced. I trusted him. But one day, it freaked me out when he once said "I want to **** you until you bleed". That kinda disturbed me. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt but I could see that underneath was something, not very nice. He was acting and trying hard to be nice so that he could sexually exploit me.

He was so weak on so many levels.

 

When I stood up to him, to tell him how he makes me feel and/or express my needs, he would run off, not bother to explain anything. He would accuse and blame me for everything and/or would then give me silent treatment for days. That was so frustrating and upsetting.

 

I still cant believe I subjected myself to this for nearly two years. Horrible experience. Still, I think I loved him.

 

I feel ok about the break up but I cannot help but feel sorry for myself as there are negative consequences this type of relationship has caused. I now feel like I cannot trust anyone and cannot even imagine being close to anyone ever again. Feels like I lost something really important though I appreciate that it is still early days and I am grieving.

 

Any thoughts are welcome.

[Starlight925]

he once said "I want to **** you until you bleed". That kinda disturbed me.

 

"Disturbed" isn't the word. Scared sh*tless is more like it.

 

I love the NCEA acronym. Please stick to it, and seek therapy to continue to build your self-esteem and your worth as you navigate through this mess and onto a man who will love and adore you, and treat you with the respect you deserve.

 

Y.I.K.E.S.

[tigerkitten]

Sometimes doing the right thing does feel wrong. It's still the right thing!!! Stick with it. Go to therapy. Get support. What you're missing was a fantasy, the reality ... yikes! Keep reminding yourself of what he said to you (I want to ... you til you bleed) and remember how disturbed you felt. Over and over and over again. That should help!!!

[RedPencil]

Thank you LHGirl.

 

It really was scary. I didn't know what he was going to do next.

 

I like the NCEA acronym too. I first came across it in the book called - Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. This book is a must read for every woman.

 

I should mention my ex wasn't a monster but had every potential to be (maybe I am still giving him the benefit of the doubt!) I certainly do not intend to go back and rekindle the relationship. However, I fear that if he comes back and says he's changed etc I would be weak. I really need a support network. My family lives abroad and I don't have very many close friends. I work long hours in a highly demanding job. I hope this forum will help a bit.

 

You are completely right - it remains for me to continue building my self-esteem. I deserve to be loved and respected ( but note I had a loving and wonderful relationship which lasted 6 years before this one. I broke it off because it was too boring and I wasn't in love..!) What a mess....!

 

Thank you for your reply again.

[RedPencil]

Sometimes doing the right thing does feel wrong. It's still the right thing!!! Stick with it. Go to therapy. Get support. What you're missing was a fantasy, the reality ... yikes! Keep reminding yourself of what he said to you (I want to ... you til you bleed) and remember how disturbed you felt. Over and over and over again. That should help!!!

 

Thank you tigerkitten. You are right. I'll just keep remembering bad stuff. Luckily I journal a lot and when I read over my journals over the last 2 years I could not believe I'd been through all that. It was so damn damaging and destructive. I am so pleased it's behind me.

[RedPencil]

You know what's really sad.

 

At the age of 35, I am alone and at this rate, it looks like I will never have a family of my own. I just cannot go into another relationship.

 

It's over for me.

[Vexna]

This probably is trauma bonding just as you say. It will be very hard to break it off with him but even when you fall, start trying to stay away again. Sooner or later you will succeed. I did it. (I just happen to find new s.)

[Vexna]

Reply to your last post:

 

(Dont know why the quote isnt on here. I quoted.) I'm 40 and alone. I also have a problem with this, it's really scary. Any ideas on what to do?

[ellie00]

I am 35 and alone too. My 16 year relationship ended and I moved out of our house this last week. It's the worst pain I have ever felt. I know exactly how you feel. I'm trying to just take it a day at a time. I know things will get better eventually. Keep posting.

[RedPencil]

This probably is trauma bonding just as you say. It will be very hard to break it off with him but even when you fall, start trying to stay away again. Sooner or later you will succeed. I did it. (I just happen to find new s.)

 

Thanks Vexna. He's gone and I doubt he will be back. I told him never to contact me again and I think he will honour that. No doubt he will be chasing another woman already. We have mutual friends and it will be inevitable that I hear about him though. He also works with my brother in law!

[RedPencil]

Reply to your last post:

 

(Dont know why the quote isnt on here. I quoted.) I'm 40 and alone. I also have a problem with this, it's really scary. Any ideas on what to do?

 

I am 35 but 40 isn't that far off. I don't know how to cope with this i.e being alone at this age. I guess we just have to accept it and throw ourselves into something productive like new business, charity or something we believe in. We have to replace this relationship with something more positive, no point chasing someone who isn't interested or falling into unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone. We have to accept the reality and be ok with it. That's what I plan on doing.

[LaHermes]

RP.

 

no point chasing someone who isn't interested or falling into unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone.

 

Completely right about that!

 

But there are also healthy and good relationships. Importantly, you need to recognise "healthy" when you see it.

 

No reason why you cannot find and have a healthy relationship.

[RedPencil]

I am 35 and alone too. My 16 year relationship ended and I moved out of our house this last week. It's the worst pain I have ever felt. I know exactly how you feel. I'm trying to just take it a day at a time. I know things will get better eventually. Keep posting.

 

Ellie00, I am sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how you feel.... 16 years is a long time. Life is so cruel sometimes but there must be a reason for this. It must be for our growth and something good must come out of it. We cant see it at the time though.

 

One day at a time is good advice. Thank you. That is exactly what I am doing. You are right things will get better eventually but NCEA is essential.

 

I keep telling myself 35 is not old but I feel so old and unattractive. I am a reasonably good looking woman but I feel like I am 65 and I cannot see myself meeting someone attractive after 35. Just seems crazily impossible. The guy I was seeing (as referred to above) was 4 years younger than me. Really good looking, tall handsome but utterly messed up. Seems all the good ones are taken. I don't know.... best not to think about that right now. Just focus on our recovery and healing...!

 

I am sending you friendly hugs. I found that Jesus prayer helps a lot - in fact that is what has helped more than anything. I no longer feel pain in my chest and I keep maintaining the prayer daily or every time thoughts from the past start to flood in...

[LaHermes]

Just to say hello to Ellie too. And to ask how are you getting on? You made a brave and difficult decision.

[ThatwasThen]

How can you "love" someone that didn't show you value? Didn't bond with you past sex? I would consider this an addiction to the push/pull manic/depressive drama meshed with lust and a want that you kept trying to meet which turned into an emotional addiction.

 

You're now going through withdrawl from your drug of choice named booty call. It happens.

 

Try not to romanticize it. It will make it harder for you to rehab from it all.

[RedPencil]

RP.

 

no point chasing someone who isn't interested or falling into unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone.

 

Completely right about that!

 

But there are also healthy and good relationships. Importantly, you need to recognise "healthy" when you see it.

 

No reason why you cannot find and have a healthy relationship.

 

I agree with that, thank you.

 

I also think that we need to be ready and healed enough in order to attract that kind of person and be comfortable, happy and fall in love with them. The only thing is some people are never able to heal to that kind of level - for example due to multiple traumas and tragedies.

 

With me, I had a healthy and good relationship before the last one and while I stayed in it for 6 years, it didnt feel like "home" (i.e trauma, abuse, unhappiness) so I naturally drew apart from it. My priority now is healing, healing and more healing.... and see if I EVER manage to heal to a normal level.

 

(NB been through a lot .....including growing up in a war zone)

[LaHermes]

You will, RP, you will.

 

The blessed common light of day will win over the garish technicolour of abuse and unhappiness.

 

Be sure of that.

[RedPencil]

How can you "love" someone that didn't show you value? Didn't bond with you past sex? I would consider this an addiction to the push/pull manic/depressive drama meshed with lust and a want that you kept trying to meet which turned into an emotional addiction.

 

You're now going through withdrawl from your drug of choice named booty call. It happens.

 

Try not to romanticize it. It will make it harder for you to rehab from it all.

 

Spot on but we did bond past sex - we were both sex and love addicts. Love isn't the right word. I didn't love him, I was addicted to him.

 

Love is something completely different but he felt special. We felt special - he understood my pain and I understood his. As simple as that.

 

Wont romanticise it - you're completely right. I am way way past romance in my life!

[RedPencil]

You will, RP, you will.

 

The blessed common light of day will win over the garish technicolour of abuse and unhappiness.

 

Be sure of that.

 

Thank you so much. This means a lot.

 

I hope you are right.

[LaHermes]

Yep. He gave you the "warm fuzzies". These individuals are good at that.

 

I don't much like the word "romance". Love is a different matter.

 

Get this book:

 

Why do I do that" by Dr. Joseph Burgo.

 

Look it up.

[RedPencil]

Yep. He gave you the "warm fuzzies". These individuals are good at that.

 

I don't much like the word "romance". Love is a different matter.

 

You got it!

 

With this person, I experienced something unreal. Once we had sex 26 times in 6 days. It was U.N.believable - no pain just pleasure but of course what I call pleasure most ordinary people might call pain. I don't know

 

But this experience with him beat the 50 shades of Grey...>!

 

[i know I was totally abused but I loved it].

[ThatwasThen]

You got it!

 

With this person, I experienced something unreal. Once we had sex 26 times in 6 days. It was U.N.believable - no pain just pleasure but of course what I call pleasure most ordinary people might call pain. I don't know

 

But this experience with him beat the 50 shades of Grey...>!

 

[i know I was totally abused but I loved it].

Yep... this is an addiction, it's not "love" Please know the difference so that you don't be disappointed or even feeling bored when you find a good man that will actually love you, respect you, show you value. Love is different then lust and if you mistake lust for love you will find yourself in similar situations.

[LaHermes]

And you got it as well.

 

or if I simply trauma-bonded with him. ( I grew up in an abusive household, my father was an alcoholic who psychologically, emotionally and physically abused my mother, as well as me and my sisters. Because of this, I later learnt, that I have a natural predisposition to attach to someone who would potentially abuse me.)"

 

Reams have been written about your condition and how the FOO totally affects our adult life and relationships.

[RedPencil]

 

Get this book:

 

Why do I do that" by Dr. Joseph Burgo.

 

Look it up.

 

Ha, I have in fact read it. Thank you.

 

I already know why I do this to myself. Sadly ;(. somehow I want to believe that I can still find happiness but know deep down that my chances are very slim.

[RedPencil]

And you got it as well.

 

or if I simply trauma-bonded with him. ( I grew up in an abusive household, my father was an alcoholic who psychologically, emotionally and physically abused my mother, as well as me and my sisters. Because of this, I later learnt, that I have a natural predisposition to attach to someone who would potentially abuse me.)"

 

Reams have been written about your condition and how the FOO totally affects our adult life and relationships.

 

I completely know all about that. Trust me.

 

All I have been doing over the last 10 years is educating myself on psychology. I know how my parents modelled my world, totally....!

 

I appreciate your views and advice.

 

Sometimes..... we just need to talk about it anyway. It helps in the healing process.

 

At the moment I am reading The Body Keeps Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk... good book.

 

Always welcome good book recommendations.