my boyfriend planned to get married behind my back do I stay or do I go.

[HeartBrokenxxx]

My boyfriend of 2 years has a child from what I thought was a previous relationship everything started off so perfect...a few weeks ago I found out that he has planned to marry the mother of his child as it is the right thing to do. He said that he doesn't love her like that but he said he would marry her before he met me and feels obligated to marry her based on that. He lived with her before he met me and we now live together though he goes back and forth as he doesn't want to create a broken home for his child. He said he intends on marrying me too. I'm absolutely heartbroken and since I found out I've been walking around town like a lost soul. I feel hurt and humiliated as clearly my boyfriend has both woman around his friends etc. also she takes her child to visit his family members I'm not around his family at all. I feel like he's kept me back from them from this reason. I know it's clear to see that I should leave. But what do you do when you love a person so desperately do you give up your pride to become a second wife and follow the lead of how he wants to live is life do I stay and try to work it out. Or should I cut my losses?

[abitbroken]

Firstly, she has every right and SHOULD take the child around his family. Afterall - his parents are the child's grandparents. They are the CHILD's Family.

 

He can obviously only marry one of you. I would ask him to move out -- or you move out - preferably NOT in with her - so he can get unconfused.

 

There is a possible that he is only saying that he doesn't really love her - when he really does and is just telling you what you want to hear. He also intends, if he does marry her, to keep you on the side.

 

But what do you do when you love a person so desperately

 

The one person you are not being loving to is YOU. also, look at your word choice - "Desperate". You are desperate to keep him over your basic needs for an undivided relationship. he isn't going to change, so its up to you to move on now that you know the truth - that she isn't a "prior" relationship. Their relationship is quite current. And he is a cheater.

[LaHermes]

OK. Heartbroken.

 

I gather you are in a country where a man may have more than one wife.

 

However, that aside, this man has been deceiving you all along, and of course you are heartbroken.

 

Yes, cut your losses, and you deserve a lot better than what this individual has to offer. He has no respect.

[Snny]

He said he intends on marrying me too.

No. No. Absolute rubbish.

 

He is very selfish and is using you. Don't let him use you this way.

 

Let him go and be on your merry way. It's his loss for stringing you along knowing damn well he was going to marry his ex(?). You deserve someone far better who will not use you as seconds.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you are the mistress to a man who has a fiance. Why do you really think he doesn't bring you around his family?

 

Is polygamy permitted by law where you live?

[ParisPaulette]

You don't just go, you bolt for that door and don't look back. This is not "Oopsie, kissed someone at a party when I was drunk and we'd been fighting." He actually planned to marry someone else and not tell you.

 

That level of deception is pretty much a giant red flag that they'll screw you over in other ways too. This is the person who empties your bank account or gets you fired or targets your friends and family for sleeping with, you know basic sociopath type stuff. No one normal, I repeat this and you need to let it sink in, no one normal sane who can ever be a decent partner to anyone plans to marry one person while having another they claim to faithful and monogamous to on the side.

 

That you even have to ask if you should stay just boggles my mind. I think you need to take a look at why you're so desperate you'll accept being with someone so absolutely dishonest to you and to another woman and to all of the people in both of your lives at the same time, let alone his. I mean, do his parents know? Are there kids involved? Do they know? What about friends, his job, your job, her job? They have a kid together and I am oh so sorry for that child. You're the side piece, why would you even want to stay after learning all of this?

 

In what universe can you imagine that he will ever turn into a loving faithful honest good guy who has your back through the darkest of times, because that's what counts. Not the good times. During the bad times will he stand by you and help you or cut and run. Considering he's already lined up two women to cut and run back and forth with yeah, don't hold your breath on him being there for you or anyone else when he's needed. When you win the heart of a cheater, a cheater is all you win.

 

Cut your losses. It won't get better when they've lied to you all along and don't even care about hurting their own children, because yes cheating parents hurt their kids. Always. Don't care what anyone says, take a look at how he's being a total piece of blank to his own child through deception and lies.

 

P.S. You can love someone desperately and still decide you value your self-respect and chance at happiness once the hurt fades, and then you go. I gave up a drug addict I'd fallen for quite heavily, knew him for a year, loved him with all my heart. And I still left him and went through the breakup period, because love doesn't mean you abase yourself and get to settle for a plate of ship, because the other person deceived you. Love alone isn't enough to make you happy, not when it has serious problems attached to it. In fact, quite the opposite. Loving someone toxic is like agreeing to drink slow acting poison and hoping you'll have a few good moments before it kills you. That's too high of a price when I presume you want someone who will openly show you off to the world and be a proud good father to any future children.

 

And that's just not this guy.

[HeartBrokenxxx]

Thanks for all the advice this is so appreciated! This has been making feel so depressed that my doctors prescribed me with anti depressants. I feel absolutely broken!

[HeartBrokenxxx]

OK. Heartbroken.

 

I gather you are in a country where a man may have more than one wife.

 

However, that aside, this man has been deceiving you all along, and of course you are heartbroken.

 

Yes, cut your losses, and you deserve a lot better than what this individual has to offer. He has no respect.

 

I live in a country where this is illegal. He's feels that marrying me is worth that risk.

[HeartBrokenxxx]

Firstly, she has every right and SHOULD take the child around his family. Afterall - his parents are the child's grandparents. They are the CHILD's Family.

 

He can obviously only marry one of you. I would ask him to move out -- or you move out - preferably NOT in with her - so he can get unconfused.

 

There is a possible that he is only saying that he doesn't really love her - when he really does and is just telling you what you want to hear. He also intends, if he does marry her, to keep you on the side.

 

But what do you do when you love a person so desperately

 

The one person you are not being loving to is YOU. also, look at your word choice - "Desperate". You are desperate to keep him over your basic needs for an undivided relationship. he isn't going to change, so its up to you to move on now that you know the truth - that she isn't a "prior" relationship. Their relationship is quite current. And he is a cheater.

 

I didn't say she didn't have the right I was stating the above to give you knowledge of my situation and his excuse of why she's around his family. I appreciate your comments! He's also been abusive in the past and when I've tried to leave he's made it very hard.

 

He's now stated that he wants two wives... he pretty much takes me everywhere and introduces me as his girlfriend so it's not a situation of where I'm hidden. It just comes down to the fact that I can't deal with the lies and deceit. He generally is around her regarding the child. He's with me allll the time. I just don't get why he would do it.

 

And your right. I do need to love myself more!

[HeartBrokenxxx]

OP, you are the mistress to a man who has a fiance. Why do you really think he doesn't bring you around his family?

 

Is polygamy permitted by law where you live?

 

 

It's illegal

[EternalOptimis]

You know innately what you need to do, OP. There is no room for you in that construct.

It's a horrible realisation and the last thing you want to hear. Nobody here says it lightly because we've all been here and it's the last thing we wanted to face.

If you break up you will hurt. In time you will heal. But to live a lie risks damaging you forever.

[HeartBrokenxxx]

I am at the point of where I want to leave but I have a tenancy agreement, I've tried to leave and he's made it difficult. He's very verbally abusive. And has been very physically abusive in the past. I don't feel that it's that easy to get up and go. He's currently putting pressure on me to have a child. He's not trying to have a side chick situation I don't believe. He wants to have his cake. He wants two wives. I think him not having me around his family as much is clear to obvious reasons...but he's not close with his parents that much. And his family are very seperated. The confusion comes from that he's in a full blown relationship with me. 110% open. Taking me to his aunts house etc. he of course has lied but I'm just confused as to why he would make such a horrible silly decision to marry someone he shares such little time with. Why he would marry someone because it's the right thing to do. My question to him when I found out My question was what about me? Look where this leaves me.his response was he has all intentions to marry me also.

[HeartBrokenxxx]

You know innately what you need to do, OP. There is no room for you in that construct.

It's a horrible realisation and the last thing you want to hear. Nobody here says it lightly because we've all been here and it's the last thing we wanted to face.

If you break up you will hurt. In time you will heal. But to live a lie risks damaging you forever.

 

Very true! I just think the thought of another relationship. The thought of going through this again.i saw my whole life with this man.i feel so empty. He wants a polygamous life style.

 

One where he doesn't maintain either us... he currently does very little for me financially and drains my resources.

[MissCanuck]

How exactly does he plan to circumvent polygamy laws? Who does he believe will marry you two if he's already found to be married to someone else?

 

OP, you are in very serious denial. This relationship is awful and you are being kept away from the significant people in his life because he already has another woman. You can leave him. To do so, you need to do some very deep inner work to strengthen your self-esteem enough to feel worthy of much better treatment from a man. This guy treats you like horse manure and you keep taking it. He doesn't love you.

 

Whatever you do, do not have a baby with this clown.