blocked him on everything but feel terrible

[angel1980]

Been seeing a guy for a year.

We met on dating site. First 2-3 months were how a normal relationship should start, flirty, fun, planning fun things to do.. then as i began to get feelings, i noticed he was holding back. We discussed it and he said he had his heart broken 4 months before me and didnt want to rush things as is v v scared of having heart broken again.

I got that so I have been patient with him.

he has moments of being very lovely, but a lot of the time he was keeping me at arms length in a progression and commitment sense. I trusted I was the only one and know there was nobody else for sure, but as timewent on was starting to feel more frustrated that i was falling in love but wasnt getting that love back.

I tried to end it 3x from jan onwardsbut he would contact me saying he missed me and cant lose me, so id give it another go but not a great deal would change on his side.

 

We went to a festival about 6 weeks ago andhad a few drinks. He told me he does love me but is scared of making himself vulnerable. In fact he said al this nice stuff and was more caring that day than ive ever seen him. Next day he was lovely too and when i left him he text saying how much he missed me. Thought we had turned a corner but then day after that he had backed off again and back to talking to me like I was just a friend.

I tried to end it again and said i couldnt do the hots n colds any more, but 4 days later he messaging me asking me out for dinner n saying he wants to see me so badly.

so i cave again and we agreed he would come and stay at mine for the wknd.

anyway he was just grumpy and distant and had to mention a few times how he had blown out going to an amazing festival with his pals to come n see me. I thought that was bad to mention it as if he was doing me a favour.

 

After he left i thought about his hots n colds and sucking me back in only to still be distant etc... so i text and said to him either he lets this progress n puts his guard down a little, or we are done for good.

i gave him till 6.30pm to give me an answer but hedidnt reply, so i sent a message saying no answer is my answer and that hecan never look back n say i didnt try my hardest for a whole year, coz i did... and to take care. Then blocked him on everything.

 

Its been 4 days and i am feeling so rubbish its untrue. Miss chatting to him and his friendship even though he was distant in a love sense. Part of me is now wishing hewould try n contact me off a friends phone or make a new instagram account to contact me. I feel guilty because i know he cared but was just on the fence for way too long and still unable to let me in fully.

 

Have i done the right thing? Keep questioning it now as my emotions are all over the place. Its so hard to let go of someone u love, when you know they would still keep seeing you.

 

Sory about bad grammer etc

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, you have. Don't do the hot/cold thing for six bloody years the way I did. It hurts in the beginning, but when the love brainwashing starts to wear off you're just going to be going, "What in the hell was I thinking and doing? Seriously."

 

Look, I believe most people deserve a second chance if they didn't do something criminal or horrific to you or others. But beyond that second chance? No, because if a relationship can't work and come together after that second chance then it never will. You will stay locked into on/off, because you agree to stay and they just keep doing what they do, because why should they change? You put up with their insanity in the area and generate your own.

 

You did the only thing one can do with those types of relationships before they finish sucking all self-esteem and life out of you and block any chance you have of real happiness with people able to truly form long-term attachments in an honest sane manner.

 

Because that guy can't and if you go back to him again and again you just become the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You won't get another result than the one you've already gotten, doesn't matter what he says or how many times he swears this time will be different. He'll promise you that until he dies and he will never be able to keep that promise unless he goes to therapy and stays there for years to address his issues that were there before you got there.

 

Truth is the relationship already went wrong before you even got together, because the problem isn't anything you can say or do or be. It's always been his issue. You just agree to get tangled up in it and let him continue on with his issues blasting all over your life until the day you say no and walk away.

 

From someone who has been there. And I mean this sincerely, you need to take a hard look at your own life, your expectations on life and what you want for yourself that has nothing to do with him or any relationship. What are you going to do to give yourself a happy life? Because relationships don't automatically do that. Love is not enough - excellent article by the way from a man named Mark Manson you may want to look up.

 

He has some seriously solid advice in that article about relationships. You may want to take a look. But yes, for your own sanity and mental health and self-respect you did the only sane thing you could do. Now understand it will hurt for a bit then the fog will clear and you'll recover, as long as you don't stay in touch with him or get back in touch. Good luck.

[angel1980]

Thanks so much for that.. i needed the extra boost. I can do this and need to. Yes we have been going round in circles for months now and still it feels like casual with me doing everything for him but with him not matching my efforts.

I just hope he realises why ive done this, because yes it was turning me insane.

i will deff check that article. Much appreciated

[SherrySher]

You did the right thing. No one could live with the hot and cold without eventually going crazy. You tried and you were fair and told him what you needed, he refused to change anything.

 

And you are absolutely right, a man who will come to yours and then complain about missing out on something elsewhere, is never going to appreciate or love you the way you want him to.

Him saying what he did was downright rude, disrespectful if not mean.

 

You are a smart woman for letting this one go. You can't spend the rest of your life trying to change him and trying to get him to care. You spent a year being patient and it sounded like it was getting worse, not better.

 

I know the disappointment will linger and you will question if maybe you weren't patient enough, but trust me, you were. He refused to see your value, appreciate you and love you properly.

He left you with no choices other than to walk away.

[angel1980]

Thanks. I needed all these comments sooooo much. Its easy to start questioning things when you still really care for someone. Ive never walked from someone like this before, either ive been dumped or ive lost the love and attraction for someone so left them.

Not had to walk from someone I really feel for still, knowing he would still keep seeing me. Hardest thing ever as i know i could text and pick up where we left. Arrgghh. If/when i get through this, I am going to feel very strong and powerful.. thanks for the help, I can sleep just that little bit easier tonight