Ex girlfriend is terrified should I NC or fight

[Strazin]

Well let's start off that I'm a 21 male and she's 24 female. We've been together for almost a year now. But we've been separated for 2 months now due to my issues. But still hungout, we were in an exclusive relationship. Whenever I drank this happened on about 5 different occasions on the span of that year but last time was bad. I said harsh things, which I miserably regret. It's like I can't control my jealously emotions lately and it gets into my head. Some days she eggs it on, we're not a good match when we drink together. She understands it's her that brings it out on me.

 

She hated me after I told her things over text. I never once yelled at her but I did call a sl** in person. Which was dumb of me and immature. Every second away from her I'm learning and feels like I'm getting more understanding. She called me names before I usually dropped it cause she was blacked out as I was blacked out every time I done so. I'm aware of my issues. So I stopped going out, tried to stop drinking I drank on my friends birthday and that's all in a month span. Never around her. So one night she accused me of drinking when I was just going for a walk with my friend. She went out with her girlfriends which upsets me cause whenever she goes out in anger, she gets back at me. Which is immature. So I got rushed of anxiety. End of the night I was blacked out and texted my group of guys. Act trashy I'll treat her like trash I'll just go sleep with hotter. Then she found out. I wasn't serious of course I would never do that, I just couldn't control my anger and guess tried to look cool and not giving a damn infront of my friends.

 

Hated me for days on end. Till I wrote a big apology, not begging just telling her I apologize, I understand what I did wrong. Why I did that and I realize what I need to do more. So I'm starting to take online counselling on my issue as I know that's wrong and isn't me at all. I thought I had it under control.

 

Told me she forgives me and that was mature for me to do. But sorry just doesn't cut what I've done.

 

I gave her space to cool off. I NC her for about 4 days until she texted me asking for her to come over. She was drunk but we hungout all day after. Reason she came over was telling me no one cared for her. Like she'd spill all her problems on people she just met, then they don't care about it. Then runs to me. I said I'm sorry in person spent our day at my house. Then we talked lastnight. Told me she's not in love with me anymore as I kept hurting her and was all words. I showed no action. As I thought I was. She's still loves me and cares for me tons. Said she's not open for an relationship right now.

 

Told me she's numb, she was already depressed like on the edge of self harming herself. She did that just last month cause she couldn't handle her emotions. I was there for her the whole time. Been taking care of her for weeks now as she's been upset about life. Drained me a lot. Then this happened. I broke someone already depressed and broken. But she keeps saying "I don't know" if I'm ready again it's all words. No action. Her guard is up and don't believe a word I'm saying. She has a huge wall up. "Maybe" one day she'll see things different. Losing me and having these sad feelings is enough for her. But her trusting me again and I do something dumb drunk again, will drive her over the edge. As she told me. She's not ready. I've given up hope. So I need to focus on me right now, I can't give you back that power to shatter me again. I'm so terrified. I look at you and feel pain. (Which I don't understand cause when we were together she was laughing, smiling, enjoying life). So I think we need to work on ourselves since I got a lot of issues myself. Cause what happens if it happens again in a few weeks? We both need to be alone right now, we bring the worst of us whenever we drink. You made me feel worthless and won't believe you see me as a princess or amazing. I just don't think you should for me anymore. Because I don't want to open my heart. I don't deserve you trying for me right now because that last incident shut me down to trusting you entirely. And I don't want you wasting your time. It's too scary I don't believe in us anymore all I see is chaos. Then asked what I suggest?

 

 

Told her I understood and I'll give her space and see if she realizes I'm not the one for her or see me change for the better. As I'm working on it right now, I want to conquer it. This is the hell I'll live in right now and my consequences to deal with.

 

Then she replied, goodnight ❤️

 

Then I never replied been 24 hours right now.

 

Any thoughts on what should I do? I love her tons, she's hurt. I treat her like gold sober. Which is 95% of the time. I'm trying to stop drinking right now. As I was before but I slipped. I'm learning and adapting. And I'm trying everything to do better for us. Even started talking to a counsellor for more help. My friend is in the hospital so she spammed my phone like 20 messages begging to come see me just the other day, to be there for me. But I ignored her then later said I don't want to hangout as friends. Was that a mistake?

 

I'm trying to earn my trust back, show her she's not worthless, she's my angel. She thinks deep down I hate her, but I don't. Prove to her I changed and with actions. As I really want to before I attempt to get back together. She's always over words over actions. So what can I possibly do? NC her for a few days while we work on ourselves? I really want to text her now and ask if I can show her good times. Build attraction again. Hangout at times? Be there for her. Show action, instead of my words. Ask if I can make her smile, show actions to take the pain away, prove to her that she's not worthless. Go over the top. As she's suffering from depression lately and told me she's mentally ill. Maybe ask her to come over cause I'm upset and surprise her with something romantic? Build feelings again? Cause how would NC for 2 weeks help me, shouldn't I be showing her action? Idk if she's still in love with me as the 4 days I NC her she told me she obsessively looked at her phone every 10mins to see if I messaged her. I'm her world as she is mine. I feel extremely horrible for what I've done.

 

Anything will help. Thanks guys.

[MissCanuck]

You both need to stop drinking so much, because neither of you can handle your liquor.

 

You also both need to mature. The level of drama and juvenile behaviour from both side is too much. You are not her therapist and cannot fix her mental health issues. What you have isn't healthy and won't work long-term, because you each are bringing too many issues (depression, self-harm, anger, problem drinking) into the relationship. It sounds like she probably does know this, hence why she ended it. The relationship had become a liability rather than a pleasure and she wasn't interested anymore.

 

So while I know it's not what you want to hear, you two are not good together. You each need to get healthy and emotionally stable on your own before a relationship will ever be feasible. Otherwise, you're just going to return to drama.

[Strazin]

You both need to stop drinking so much, because neither of you can handle your liquor.

 

You also both need to mature. The level of drama and juvenile behaviour from both side is too much. You are not her therapist and cannot fix her mental health issues. What you have isn't healthy and won't work long-term, because you each are bringing too many issues (depression, self-harm, anger, problem drinking) into the relationship. It sounds like she probably does know this, hence why she ended it. The relationship had become a liability rather than a pleasure and she wasn't interested anymore.

 

So while I know it's not what you want to hear, you two are not good together. You each need to get healthy and emotionally stable on your own before a relationship will ever be feasible. Otherwise, you're just going to return to drama.

 

Thank you for your reply. I agree and we've been trying to. But sometimes it upsets me when she goes out drinking, it doesn't help me to stop. Just told me you're the issue when you drink I'm not. I'm fun and outgoing. Crazy hey. Not helping me with my issue.

 

 

Her depression and self harm was before me. She feels lonely, nothing good for her, life isn't going anywhere. I see where I went wrong and I made steps on becoming better. While I don't think she'll ever get help for her mental illness. Maybe I should send her a more serious text? Cause I hate that she said "maybe" not now. " I think". "Not right now". It gives me hope. Only reason I'm strung on right now.

 

I understand. We both said we'll work on ourselves. My first step was getting her not to hate me then work on my issues. Where does building attraction comes in or building trust. I'm just confused on what to do. If I NC maybe I won't hear from her again. But what if I tried.

[Hollyj]

Did you read anything that Miss Canuck suggested?

 

I agree! You are not good together . Be done with it!!!!!

[Annia]

 

I understand. We both said we'll work on ourselves. My first step was getting her not to hate me then work on my issues. Where does building attraction comes in or building trust. I'm just confused on what to do. If I NC maybe I won't hear from her again. But what if I tried.

 

Working on yourself and your issues is more important now than getting her not to hate you. The first one you can control if you work on it, the second one is beyond your realm of control and influence. I also agree with MissCanuck.

 

As to NC, it's about healing and distancing yourself from the source of drama and regain a more objective look on the situation, and the other person can also distance themselves and think about the relationship without the constant reminder of the partner's problems.

 

You need to do a great work on yourself (therapy maybe?) and it will take time and effort, regardless of the outcome with her. Even if you two get back together later in the future, you need to be over the current relationship, learn from it and leave it behind... because a relationship with you two on the same state, without BOTH of you having worked deeply on yourselves, would be extremely unhealthy and full of problems again. Also, how things are, you two are not ready to be in a relationship with anyone, as far as I can see. Take your time, distance yourself from this sort of drama so that you can be in a better emotional position to decide what you want to do in the future, weather it includes her or not.

[Strazin]

Working on yourself and your issues is more important now than getting her not to hate you. The first one you can control if you work on it, the second one is beyond your realm of control and influence. I also agree with MissCanuck.

 

As to NC, it's about healing and distancing yourself from the source of drama and regain a more objective look on the situation, and the other person can also distance themselves and think about the relationship without the constant reminder of the partner's problems.

 

You need to do a great work on yourself (therapy maybe?) and it will take time and effort, regardless of the outcome with her. Even if you two get back together later in the future, you need to be over the current relationship, learn from it and leave it behind... because a relationship with you two on the same state, without BOTH of you having worked deeply on yourselves, would be extremely unhealthy and full of problems again. Also, how things are, you two are not ready to be in a relationship with anyone, as far as I can see. Take your time, distance yourself from this sort of drama so that you can be in a better emotional position to decide what you want to do in the future, weather it includes her or not.

 

Thank you for your reply and long message. I take it very seriously and it helps. I understand. I worded that wrong. She forgave me already but I was already working on my issues. I'm already talking to an online counsellor taking therapy on my immature acts while I'm drinking. Never drank since. I need to overcome my issues before anything with her.

 

She did have a lot of issues. But I did help her through a lot. How I see it is if she's not getting professional help, she's just going to find another guy to grab. If I NC how long do you sugguest? Cause 30 days seems over top for me. I'd be moved on by then and so would she. Longest we never talked were 4-6 days. I already view a lot different but still never overcame my issues. I hope she's working on hers. But she always failed by herself.

 

 

Okay thank you and I will make sure of that. We aren't capable of being together just yet, I know it'll cause too much fights and she has no trust for me. I've been thinking of sending her just one message, cause it's bugging me that she said "maybe" one day or " I think" I can't let you in again. Checked out "for now". It's not a yes or no answer and it's in my head. Feels like I should say something/be nice. Respectful, build attraction again or just try my hardest to ignore it. Hard for me to move on knowing she said

[nutbrownhare]

Some days she eggs it on, we're not a good match when we drink together. She understands it's her that brings it out on me.

 

I'm trying to stop drinking right now. As I was before but I slipped.

 

But sometimes it upsets me when she goes out drinking, it doesn't help me to stop.

 

Nobody could 'bring something out in you' unless it was there anyway. You need to take responsibility for your OWN drinking, and your irrational acts while drunk. Seeing a counsellor about the unhelpful things you do while drunk is a complete waste of effort and money unless you address your problem with alcohol meaningfully; it's a bit like wondering why you keep getting injuries when you continually jump off cliffs and won't stop, or just 'keep trying' to stop! 'Trying' to stop drinking is a nonsense; you either drink or you don't. The choice is yours.

 

Stop making her and her problems the focus of your life; if you want to get past this, then you need to engage with a recovery program where you will get support from peers who will understand and support you. But the focus needs to be on YOU. If you can do this, you will find that this kind of relationship no longer has any appeal for you.

[MissCanuck]

If I NC how long do you sugguest? Cause 30 days seems over top for me.

 

Over the top...for what?

 

Until you two each individually work on your issues, you won't work together. This will happen again and again. So, reaching out to her in 30 days or 11 days or 7.56 days won't really make a difference when the underlying problems aren't being addressed. And since it sounds like she doesn't want to work on herself, there's not much you can do.

 

And you're likely right that she will latch on to another guy, if that's her pattern. You can't prevent that. Unhealthy people engage in unhealthy behaviour.

[Annia]

Unhealthy people engage in unhealthy behaviour.

 

And healthy people disengage from unhealthy and toxic people.