Really Struggling Here

[DiceAPC]

Because I genuinely want opinions here I'm going to attempt to give as much detail about the situation as possible so please bear with me on this.

 

I am a United States Marine (22M) and my wife is a photographer (22F). We grew up together and dates throughout high school and stayed together when I enlisted and ended up getting married almost 3 years ago. I was always raised to believe that a strong man/husband is someone who stands by his woman no mater what and that when you give someone your word you hold true to that vow. I believe that this fundamental belief caused me to overlook a lot of the differences that my wife and I have and it's gotten to the point (after deployments, time apart, learning more about myself and my dreams, and just overall growing up) that I don't even remotely feel any kind of happiness in our relationship (or my life as an extension of this).

 

For example, I tend to be a very Alpha type personality, and not in the douchy sense but I am decisive and know what I want. I assert my feelings when there is an issue and I stick to what I believe in no matter what. Faith plays a huge part in my life and I believe that I have a much larger purpose on this world than just slaving away until I die. I have goals to help people (and already do through the sponsorship of my beautiful son Brian from Uganda) and I run a business on top of being a full time Marine, as well as being an author. On top of all this I manage to allocate ALL of my (little) free time to my wife. I go out of my way to make sure she is happy and has the things that she needs to succeed. I dropped somewhere in the realm of $5K on photography equipment for her to start her business and she's been doing great. I have always lived by what my father taught me which is to always put others before yourself.

 

Now my wife is the opposite. Doesn't really know what she wants but has her hobbies and makes a little money on the side. She stays home most of the day and takes care of the house and our dog while I work. She is incredibly indecisive and stubborn and even though I try to balance it out by being the decisive one, she somehow manages to tell me that I can't make a decision when really it's her. There's really no substance at all and even though we have fun and laugh and have our little inside jokes I just can't see myself spending my life with her.

 

We don't have sex, kiss or cuddle. In fact in the last year and a half I could count on one or two hands how many times we have. When we do it's mechanical and emotionless and it's not an infidelity thing she just has no libido and never has. And I don't think it's a medical problem I think it's a psychological one.

 

We argue pretty much every day about something and it always ends with me being the bad guy. I'm expected to work my 12-16 (or more) hour shifts at work and deploy and commute and deal with all this bull and come home and act like it's all good. Which I DO! I come home and put her first we go to the beach and do things together and I'm exhausted 100% of the time. But God forbid I ever say that or I'm just complaining and "always say I'm tired".

 

I believe in reciprocation. And this is a relationship where I get literally NOTHING. No sexual, emotional, or mental needs are met. I'm just comfortable and scared of change to be honest. Idk what I'd do without her because I've been with her since we were 15 (7Years). But to be honest, and at the risk of sounding arrogant here, im an awesome husband. I do EVERYTHING a woman could want. I'm Italian so I cook. I clean and do dishes and laundry and mop and vacuum and take the trash out and clean up after the dog. I support her dreams and endeavors and would always be there for her physically if she wanted that. I just feel nothing anymore but am too scared of the alternative. I was going to counseling for this twice a week for months and even brought her in on it to talk and it resulted in her crying about how I'm an and "how could you say this" "how could you do this" "you don't love me" bull. I just want to be free of this but I don't have really any friends that I can talk to and no support system. It's just been me for most of my life. I know I can make my own way but it's hard giving up the one constant that you've had for so long. I can provide any details you guys want I just need some support here. Thanks all.

 

-Andrew

[Snny]

Military relationships are so difficult to maintain. Your work becomes the family lifestyle, and not many people are for it. And you are doing so much for this relationship. I think you sound pretty awesome, but you are also more mature that your wife.

 

This piece of info...

Now my wife is the opposite. Doesn't really know what she wants but has her hobbies and makes a little money on the side.

This is the lifestyle and mentality of a typical 22 year old. It's great you have found your place through your career... she hasn't found hers yet. My people in their early 20's don't. And unfortunately, there isn't much you can do but to be supportive (which you have).

 

And unfortunately this is one of the factors which people under the age of 25 are in for a high risk of divorce because they haven't settled yet. It's rare for someone to have career success and settlement before 25.

 

Has she gone to school for photography? Has she interned or worked aside with other photographers in a company, or is she doing it all freelanced? The most successful photographers are constantly NETWORKING with people. That's how they make a living, and it doesn't sound like your wife has that part figured out.If she wants to make good money she needs to work within a photography company to build experience and a strong portfolio. She can't invest in the most expensive camera equipment and expect to be a hot shot with minimal experience and limited contacts. I have a good friend who interned with an experienced photographer who worked for National Geographics... he now makes damn good money because he's learned high professional trade from the best.

 

You guys need couples counseling for this marriage to work. Your intimacy has fallen and needs help. And if she isn't willing to go to couples counseling, it's time to think of an alternative plan (which you don't want). You need to word it in a way that you are determined to make this marriage successful and want to increase better communication before things escalate and become non-repairable.

[nutbrownhare]

You were both very young when you married, and you're growing further and further apart. Basically your relationship's fizzled out, and it doesn't sound as though you have any kind of meaningful connection which could pull you back together again. It doesn't sound as though she was prepared to engage in counselling either.

 

If you were to end things, sure, you'd be on your own for a while - but eventually you'd be open to the possibility of having a meaningful relationship with someone else. While you're tied down in this sterile marriage, you have the certainty of just that - a sterile marriage.

[Lester]

Note - If that's your real name, request it be removed, and not use it again.

 

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"I just want to be free of this..."

- If that's what you really think, friends and counselors can't help you.

[Careerchoice]

I do EVERYTHING a woman could want.

 

There's certainly something missing. If you're always painted out to be the bad guy by her, I don't think you have enough of a spine with your wife. When a girl loses respect for a guy, she'll lose interest. So while you may be a very Alpha-guy in general, you're not being that way with her.

[KantSleep]

No intimacy equals death of a marriage. She either sees the problems you do and tries to part of the solution, or its time to leave her before she takes too much of your military pension. Not trying to be funny. Being practical.