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I’ve been doing a lot of introspection since we broke up and, as everyone says it’s not as out of the blue ass you think it is… sort of. I did recognize at the time that we had been distant, communicating less, he had been showing less affection etc. I recognized this at the time but it never occurred to me that it was because of us. He was supposed to be writing his dissertation, I was going through graduate school applications, I thought we were both just very distracted and stressed with school. In fact, just a few weeks before we broke up I had written him a long email saying that I recognized that we had both been distant and I was sorry for my part in this but that I would always support him and I knew he would always support me and when we came out the other side we would be a stronger couple. Now I know that school was only the reason for the distance on my side.


I have also recognized some negative behaviours that I engaged in that may have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship (e.g. becoming too dependent on him, not taking care of myself, the standard…). I’ve also come to realize, as I’m sure many dumpees do, that I held him on a pedestal, that he could do no wrong, but actually he had some problems too (e.g. lack of communication, need to please everyone, fear of difficult things). The thing is all of our problems seem to me that they were fixable... if he had talked to me about them (see lack of communication above). I read on here though, a problem is only fixable if you want to fix it. And he didn’t want to fix it, or maybe he didn’t know how to fix it (again see lack of communication). For that reason, all of our problems became un-fixable. Instead of talking to me about how he was feeling he shut me out. Therefore, while I was stressed about school, depending on him to support me in all that stress, and trying to support him in dealing with his (what I thought was school) stress, he had already shut me out.


I don’t think we’re going to get back together. Rather that breaking up with me to work on these problems he immediately got into a new relationship with a younger girl.


I hope we can have a chance at reconciliation in the future, but it’s more of a help-me-get-to-sleep-at-night hope rather than a real hope. Realistically I have accepted that he does not love me anymore. It’s sad. We were great together, we had the same interests and life goals, our families loved each other, all the important stuff matched. It’s sad that we weren’t able to make it work. I do still love him very much but even if he did come back at some point it wouldn’t work unless he worked on himself and at this point it doesn’t seem like he’s going to. It just makes me sad to realize.

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