No plans in marriage

[missyumburger]

Hi,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years and expecting a baby in 2 months. I told him I wanted to get married before the baby arrives. He said that we needed to save for my delivery first then we'll plan on the next step. However, we have a civil wedding in our country where it does not require you to spend a lot. You can get married for $50. It's fine with me as long as it's before the baby arrives. I even told him I might not settle down if the baby arrives (since my focus will be on the baby). He is okay with ir but the problem is, I don't see the initiative of him to plan the marriage, look for wedding rings or plan for a date. Right now, Im still waiting for his initiative to ask me of the plans but it's not happening. I think I have done my part on this one and it should be his turn already. Do you think he really has plans on his mind on getting married?

[Capricorn3]

Do you think he really has plans on his mind on getting married?

After nine years together, a baby on the way and he still finds excuses? Sounds to me like he's avoiding it as much as possible. Looks like you're either going to have to learn to accept no marriage with this guy, or be a single mom. Not sure what else is left to do.

[MissCanuck]

No, I don't think he is planning to get married.

 

Are you okay being life partners without a formal marriage? If not, you will probably have to reconsider the viability of this relationship.

[missyumburger]

i really dont know what to do. i really love this guy but it hurts to know that he does not have plans on marrying me. should i still push through on getting him to marry me or just let it go?

[MissCanuck]

Ask him what his real hesitations are.

 

It depends on how important marriage is to you. If it's something you very much want, this sadly probably isn't the man who will give you that.

[j.man]

I really don't understand how it took 9 years and a baby at your doorstep to come to a head. The biggest misfortune is that you decided to have a kid with someone with whom you've got a potentially massive incompatibility. And, really, you've been unmarried but together for nearly a decade-- how serious can he expect you to be about marriage?

 

Giving him the benefit, if he's stayed with you this long and wants to have a kid together and has otherwise been as loving and supportive as a partner should be, it sounds like he's simply apathetic toward marriage and isn't going to be the one putting in the effort to make it a priority. That's simply not going to happen. So stop having these conversations in passing about it or waiting around for him to ask you your plans on it. To me, though, it seems neither of you could be truly bothered with it.

 

Let him know how incredibly important it is for you that your child's parents be married and that you need the civil ceremony ($50 and maybe an hour's wait on a Saturday morning) within the month. If he's got hesitations, get them out there. If you two need to do some form of couples counseling to get past it, that could be an option worth exploring as well. In any case, be assertive.

 

ETA: Depending on your country and jurisdiction within, you two may be considered married by common law at this point. No idea where you are but may be worth looking into if your concern is with the legal provisions and not the act itself.

[itsallgrand]

Why specifically is it important to you now?

[Snny]

should i still push through on getting him to marry me or just let it go?

You cannot force someone to marry you if he doesn't want to. there is nothing you can do that will convince him. How would you feel if someone tried pressuring you into a marriage and you were not ready? As is, he is probably freaking out more about becoming a father. 9 years and no proposal should be a clue.

 

I'm sorry this isn't going the way you wanted and expected. A marriage should of been planned before bringing a baby into the relationship. I got engaged after 7 years of dating (still a very long time), and I was ready to walk because I didn't want to wait around.

 

It's time to start thinking about Plan B- what your options are if this man is 100% adamant of not marrying you. Single motherhood, adoption, etc.

[Batya33]

After nine years together, a baby on the way and he still finds excuses? Sounds to me like he's avoiding it as much as possible. Looks like you're either going to have to learn to accept no marriage with this guy, or be a single mom. Not sure what else is left to do.

 

I agree and agree you should not push for marriage. We got married after I got pregnant but we planned it that way for a number of reasons (or at least were comfortable trying to conceive before being married). We had a small inexpensive wedding which is what we wanted. It has to be both of you who really want marriage and want it for the same reasons. I would focus instead on getting all your ducks in a row as far as legal and financial protection for you and your baby to the extent possible.