Am I making the right kind of progress post break up?

[Cafc2017]

I'm a 26 year old man recently split with my partner of 19months. We were school sweethearts and ended up back together just after my 24th birthday after years of not seeing one another. The first nine months were incredible and we were both very happy. But things began to change quickly and we started rowing over silly things. We continued to work on things and I was determined to make it work (she's a beautiful woman and a great mum). Her daughter (H) was 4months old when we got together and I bought her up as my own until the day we split.

 

Two months ago my world was turned upside down. I found myself alone, lacking confidence and self-worth, confused and heartbroken. I lost the place I called home. I lost the woman I thought I would marry, I lost the step child I viewed as my own, and every bit of stability that came with it. I lost myself.

Battling through the first few days was the toughest, the weeks that followed are a blur. I let my health suffer, my family pick up the pieces and my real friends try and put me back together. That was until one day, about five weeks after my D-Day, when I had a sudden realisation whilst reading something online. I asked myself a question, Why am I suffering? And you know what? I couldn't answer it. I mean I knew why I thought I was suffering, why I thought I was in pain. I thought I was alone in life, I thought nobody would love me like she did, I thought I would never find love like we had again, I thought I would spend the rest of my life bouncing from partner to partner comparing them to "the one" that I lost, never able to have the family I so desperately wanted. I thought the fairytale life we had planned would now never materialise.

But then I realised. I realised that all of these thoughts revolved around a common problem. And I call it a problem because I believed I had no control over it. Everything I wanted revolved around her. I had made her my sole and entire source of happiness, somehow I had convinced myself that without her in my life I would never be happy. This is why I was really suffering. Not being without her, but making her more important than myself. And it got me thinking, hard.

I began examining myself, my actions throughout our relationship, trying to attribute cause and reason to a situation I now see had the former, but not the latter. I needed to start doing things for me. Then I stumbled across Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it was like a thousand light bulbs all clicked on at once. I shifted my focus from examining and blaming myself and my actions, to labelling the behaviours that came with the rows we had. It wasn't long before it was evident I was dealing with a Greater Narc and had been fooled by her facade. The red flags and gut instincts which I ignored whilst "blinded" by her love bombing became clearer and more prominent. I am annoyed with myself for choosing to ignore them. Not once in the best part of two years did she ever try and reconcile after a fight, it was ALWAYS me who instigated it. And even when she did acknowledge her behaviour was wrong, it was always my fault for making her feel like behaving that way! Zero accountability! And I put up with it for so I long I didn't even see how wet I had become.

So it's now been 9 weeks since I last saw her, 5 weeks ago I took all my furniture back from her house. (Yes I had even given up my apartment to move in with her in December!). We haven't spoken since the day I got my things. I've blocked her on everything possible and have been no contact since.

I'm currently living back at my mums (temporary as getting my old apartment back in 6 weeks time) and I find myself moving backwards with my feelings. I know I am better off without her, but I keep thinking back to the good times again. I've had the few months of going out partying with friends, a couple of random hook ups and plenty of lads banter, and it's great at the time, but the minute I'm alone with my thoughts BANG she's back in my head. I was really depressed and hit for six the first couple of weeks and I'm worried I'm going to slip back into it. I really miss H and wish I could see her but I have no right. I know my life is going in the right direction but I need these setbacks to stop. I'm eating well, exercising, socialising and doing post break up by the book, yet I'm not moving forward emotionally. Perhaps it's the lack of closure (which I will never get) or the need to develop my self-worth still, whatever it is I need to make progress.

I've skipped a lot detail here but am happy to fill in the gaps where required, just ask! I appreciate any advice anyone can give, particularly around developing self-worth and stronger personal boundaries. I have gone through every thread trying to find more answers but sometimes a personal response is needed

[Dominique]

You aren't going backwards. You are moving forward. You are doing the right things.

 

Love like that doesn't just disappear. You may see and realize she's isn't right for you but you planned a lifetime with her. So those feelings won't just go away in a few months.

 

You spent some time hiding from them. Now you are accepting and feeling them and letting go.

 

This that you are feeling now is part of the process. You miss her. That's normal.

 

Keep doing what you are doing.

[Cafc2017]

Thank you for your response and reassuring words.

 

I guess I am trying to rush the process somewhat. As you said, I did have my whole life planned out with her so it will take longer than Id like.

[Dominique]

Thank you for your response and reassuring words.

 

I guess I am trying to rush the process somewhat. As you said, I did have my whole life planned out with her so it will take longer than Id like.

 

Real love lingers.

 

Trust yourself. You are going to come out on the other side.

 

Sending you love and light. 💙