firstluvstruck Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Ive been reading some recent posts about people breaking NC or really wanting to. Im in that boat atm. But all we are doing is giving them the power to make us happy..and with that the power to make us sad. Question is.. why on earth do we care so much how they are feeling. In our eyes their leaving doesn't make sense. She tells you that you are the best guy shes ever met amd still cares yet still leaves...chooses convenience and instant gratification over love. Ok that was too much of my story but back to the topic..why..do we care how they feel? Why do we (i) feel this need to continue to make her happy? Is it some human flaw? Is it as simple as wanting what we dont have? (I dont think this is 100% true). Do we want control over the situation?? Are we so atttached??? Link to comment
Lostinlove31 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 If you care about their happiness that much than you are kind of a doormat but also more loving. But you have to let go. Walk away Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 There is a lag time between actions and emotions. The emotions linger long after some things happen and are no longer happening. Link to comment
firstluvstruck Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 If you care about their happiness that much than you are kind of a doormat but also more loving. But you have to let go. Walk away Interesting. Could you elaborate what you mean by doormat? Link to comment
charity Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 As you said, I think a lot of it is about control. There is no worse feeling that that feeling of having no control over your life. It can make us behave very erratically. Link to comment
ESOTSM Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 I care too much for my own good. She is out there being happy and not a care in the world. 12 years together, it wasn't perfect but always had each other back. I just want to end my life but I'm too scared to do it and my family would be hurt. I'm just tired of dealing with this pain. Everyday is an uphill battle. I'm 31 years old and I still can't believe this happen after two months already passed. Link to comment
Human55man Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Im very sorry to hear this but I want you to know you are not alone . I was with my partner for 12 years as well . She decided to end things in November and at first I think I was too surprised to really process it . We kept hanging out and living together , even sleeping together and went on a birthday trip for her with friends . It didn't ever feel like a breakup until she caught feelings for someone else , someone that I know . This is when it finally hit me and I became incredibly irrational , the thought that I am still in love with her and her moving on even if just for a rebound hurt me so much . I just want you to know you are not alone . And I also Am rightt there anytime she calls and I keep breaking NC every week and I have tried to initiate it three weeks now , I can't help but look forward to the contact we have even if it's just a day or a couple of hours when we used to spend all day together for years . I know it's not right but I just can't help it Link to comment
Dominique Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 I think we still care about their happiness and what they are doing because we still love them. Isn't that what love is? I didn't stop loving my ex one day becuase we broke up. If we had stayed together, I would still love him. So to me it stands to reason that real love doesn't just go away because one person walks away. It takes time to let that emotion go. For me... I don't love very often. The people I truly love, I still love. That doesn't mean I don't see them for who they are or want them back or am still "in love" with them. But my love doesn't go away because you went away. When I love someone, I always love them. Sometimes it just comes down to choosing to love yourself more and letting go of a relationship status and contact with a person because you just need to move on with your life and accept that you also deserve to be loved in return. Link to comment
ESOTSM Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Im very sorry to hear this but I want you to know you are not alone . I was with my partner for 12 years as well . She decided to end things in November and at first I think I was too surprised to really process it . We kept hanging out and living together , even sleeping together and went on a birthday trip for her with friends . It didn't ever feel like a breakup until she caught feelings for someone else , someone that I know . This is when it finally hit me and I became incredibly irrational , the thought that I am still in love with her and her moving on even if just for a rebound hurt me so much . I just want you to know you are not alone . And I also Am rightt there anytime she calls and I keep breaking NC every week and I have tried to initiate it three weeks now , I can't help but look forward to the contact we have even if it's just a day or a couple of hours when we used to spend all day together for years . I know it's not right but I just can't help it Man it idk what to say but it just hurts to know that another person is going thru this also. In my case she doesn't even speak to me anymore, I too found and not from her cause she denied it that she had been communicating with someone else before i even moved out of our apartment and i'm sure it was going on before she even gave me the news. she had been thinking about making the decision and something or someone gave her that push. She gave me many reasons for the breakup but i feel they were most cop out. We grew apart a bit because of the routine, she noticed it and she let it happen. Only she knows all the answers. Remind me to cut the internet and change the netflix password tomorrow at my old place. WTH am i doing still providing? pathetic Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Breakups are hard, after one is dumped and especially for someone else. But after you heal you become stronger because you won't give your heart away so willingly next time, you're more guarded because you've had the heartbreak experience. It's actually good to go through it at least once or twice, it forces you to really think before leaping into another relationship with both feet. This crummy feeling...it will pass. Link to comment
firstluvstruck Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 well I just had a moment of "why the *** am I trying so hard to prove myself to someone who could care less, screw them. Their loss." feels good, gotta keep it going Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 well I just had a moment of "why the *** am I trying so hard to prove myself to someone who could care less, screw them. Their loss." feels good, gotta keep it going One step further: why prove yourself to anyone at all, besides yourself? Nobody has the power to decide whether you are "enough". Nobody besides you - unless you delegate that power to others. Why would you do that? Link to comment
Human55man Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Remind me to cut the internet and change the netflix password tomorrow at my old place. WTH am i doing still providing? pathetic Same , it was raining today and I offered to pick her up because she doesn't have a car . i asked if she wanted to have dinner and she said she was broke so of course I paid . She came back to purple apartment for a while before she had to go to band practice . Mind you the guy she left me for is in her band so you just get that gut punch right back. While we were at dinner she said she could see herself doing that weekly if I wanted to .. just to check in on each other .. but in my mind I am starting to finally see how that isn't fair to me .. she's trying to get the benefits of my friendship even while seeing someone else . Link to comment
No1 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 I think we care because we had invested a lot of us into our Xs. Its almost like we want to hear validation that we were great to them. We had listened, been supportive, been a motivator, a shoulder, lover, friend, confidant, and we played so many roles that when they leave, all the effort we put in goes away. So a little bit of us goes with them. I think that's why we care. Link to comment
Matt3939 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 We care because we love them. Sure you can be as mad as you want at them. I know I was but you also eventually have to be real with yourself and just accept it. That you know you can't go back. It hurts but I'd recommend NC. Specially if she's with somone else. Good luck Link to comment
Lostinlove31 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Interesting. Could you elaborate what you mean by doormat? Forgive me for being whatever... i have to be careful not to project. It is all good in well to care about someone after the breakup and wonder if they are happy... At the same time if you start putting them first after a breakup you are letting them walk over you. They in most of our cases made the decision to breakup... we love them and unconditionally but we can't let ourselves be wrapped up in their happiness. We should concentrate on our own. They exited the relationship and chose to end it for whatever reason. Doesn't mean we stop loving them or caring but we can't let them have that part of us anymore because it hurts and causes us not to let go. Link to comment
firstluvstruck Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 Forgive me for being whatever... i have to be careful not to project. It is all good in well to care about someone after the breakup and wonder if they are happy... At the same time if you start putting them first after a breakup you are letting them walk over you. They in most of our cases made the decision to breakup... we love them and unconditionally but we can't let ourselves be wrapped up in their happiness. We should concentrate on our own. They exited the relationship and chose to end it for whatever reason. Doesn't mean we stop loving them or caring but we can't let them have that part of us anymore because it hurts and causes us not to let go. Yes. Before NC i was giving her parts of me..allowing her ego to be at oeace because she was able to move on and not feel guilty..not feel a loss. Seems mean to wish that they feel the loss too but its not fair to let them have all that they want. I hate "just accept it." Its not as simple as just accept it. Its a process in which we learn acceptance. or maybe it is with more experience & respect for self Link to comment
firstluvstruck Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 if she's the one who requested NC to respect her new dude, why did she just send me a snapchat of an inside joke? not hurt over it, just really curious. it's like it's ok if she reaches out but not for me to talk to her? it seems like at the end of the day this girl is just unaware...as if since now she is happy all is suddenly good in the world and everything is in the past. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 ...as if since now she is happy all is suddenly good in the world and everything is in the past. "During this stage, infatuation, you experience increases of norepinephrine and dopamine levels in the brain and of testosterone, too, since lust is involved. In this condition, one's body drugs itself mightily with hormones that create a feeling of joy." Link to comment
firstluvstruck Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 i sent her a meme via instagram this morning. she asked me to stop sending her stuff. talk about a double standard was a good thing it happened though, deleted that app. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Yeah, just go no contact and block her so the brain-eating nonsense stops.i sent her a meme via instagram this morning. she asked me to stop sending her stuff. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 if she's the one who requested NC to respect her new dude, why did she just send me a snapchat of an inside joke? not hurt over it, just really curious. it's like it's ok if she reaches out but not for me to talk to her? it seems like at the end of the day this girl is just unaware...as if since now she is happy all is suddenly good in the world and everything is in the past. Because she indulged her impulse to tell you when she saw something that referenced your inside joke. It's just that - there was a moment when she didn't stop herself. It's easiest if you remove contacts, block, etc., so that when the impulse is there, it requires more effort to indulge oneself. Link to comment
inthefeels Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Breakups are hard, after one is dumped and especially for someone else. But after you heal you become stronger because you won't give your heart away so willingly next time, you're more guarded because you've had the heartbreak experience. It's actually good to go through it at least once or twice, it forces you to really think before leaping into another relationship with both feet. This crummy feeling...it will pass. This, is a lesson I am still learning Link to comment
mountainman101 Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 Remind me to cut the internet and change the netflix password tomorrow at my old place. WTH am i doing still providing? pathetic That made laugh. I needed that. Link to comment
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