have trouble keeping No Contact (same town, lots of mutual friends)

[jwspark85]

3 months ago my ex broke up with me after 5 years together. I wont bother you with the details I already did that in a past thread of mine , I am sure you can find it here somewhere.

Basically she broke up with me and found another guy with whom she most probably overlapped with.

 

I still love her very much and for the sake of preserving my own sanity I went strict no contact with her.

Unfortunately we are both from the same small town (3000+ people) and have a lot of mutual friends in real life and on social media/Facebook (around 60 mutual FB ``friends``). I eventually unfriended her there but because of all these mutual acquaintances I always somehow get to find out what shes up to with her new boyfriend.

 

Its really painful to get to hear about some new photo where she is hugging/kissing the other guy. On top I have to deal with the fact that most people/acquaintances in my hometown are able to see it. I keep asking myself how does it make me look in front of everybody, considering I was the guy who got dumped for someone else.

 

I keep visiting my hometown fairly frequently to see my parents and help around the house and I see that while some people try not to mention the break-up at all, some just outright go out of their way to avoid me and some don't talk to me either but give me the pitying look instead. I don't know which is worse honestly. Everybody knew us as a couple so I understand why people act like this. I am not mad at anyone it just feels really weird.

 

She should know that I am not ok with this, but its her life and I cannot simply ask her to stop posting such photos or statuses on Facebook. I also don't want to move geographically and leave all my friends and family behind, although I know this would be the best option for some people.

Things like this are making the recovery, which is very hard in itself, even more difficult. Really don't know what to do here.

[Keyman]

It is difficult, but perhaps you could take a hiatus from Facebook for a couple of months?

[Clio]

Either block her or deactivate your FB and stay away for a few months or both.

[Dahl]

I agree with Keyman and Clio's suggestions. I would also submit that any mutual contacts most likely view posts related to her with neutrality or indifference as they relate to you and are not judging or condemning you for a failed relationship when surely most people have been a party to the same. If they think of you, specifically, at all in terms of her activities, it's probably with genuine, mild sympathy and hope for your own recovery and happy forward motion with your life.

 

Focus as much as possible on your own endeavors and continue to show yourself positive, gentle support. It will get easier. Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. 3 mos is still pretty fresh, especially with the overlapping and shared social stuff. Agree with the others that this may be a time to clean out all your social media and delete, unfriend some dead weight. People probably don't pity you and if they see that stuff of hers think she's rebounding, immature and has grass is greener syndrome.

[Knight2001]

i would come off facebook for a while. whatever pleasure you get from it must outweigh the misery you have to endure.

i agree with dahl, focus on yourself and concentrate on your future. if you think there was an overlap between you and the new guy, to me, that would make things easier. she isnt the person you thought she was.

keep moving forward, stay happy and good luck.

[No1]

Pretty much in agreement here. Deactivate your FB and any social media that connects you to your X. Social media is the devil when it comes to healing..

In a small town, its going to be impossible to not see or hear what your X is doing or who she is doing it with. So healing will have to be within.

1. accept that it is over.. sounds like you have done this and if you have, you are on your way.

2. hold your head up high knowing you were a good BF. Reasons and faults behind the break ups don't matter any more.

3. don't question why or hold on to past promises.

4. know that you have room in your life for someone better.

5. happiness is not a race. just because she is out with a new guy doesn't mean she is 'winning' or beating you in any contest. Happiness doesn't keep a scoreboard.

6. you are going to be happy again.

7. you will find someone again.

8. focus on yourself and your happiness and search for that guy that attracted your X in the first place.

 

I know its all easier said than done. especially when your world is small. But you can do this. In time instead of being sad, youll be happy for your X. And btw.. if she could do this to you, she can just as easily do it to this next guy.. ha

 

you are alright.. go take a swim into lake YOU

[jwspark85]

Thank you

 

I was thinking that deactivating my FB account would help. Still, considering that I lost someone I used to see and talk to/live with everyday I wanted to keep in touch with as many people as possible to make up for the loneliness. Many of my friends including myself are busy with their jobs, partners etc. during the week so getting to meet each other in person a few days a week is more problematic than it used to be. Staying in touch via social media to arrange get–togethers or just to chat is often the best option for everyone.

I was thinking that this alone outweighed the negatives but maybe I will have to reconsider and go dark for a while.

[No1]

You can hang around your friends, as long as they agreen not to give you info on your GF no matter if its good or bad. ANY info will be bad because it brings her up.

And I have an idea, why dont you go old school and call your friends to arrange times for you to hang out with them? I know.. it seems silly when you have social media but make your information pipeline smaller rather than limiting your life. Then as you heal, you can increase the avenue of information and add to your social media. Moderation..

[LonelyJedi]

Yet another person who was dumped this year after 5-6yrs... myself included.

 

I know how you feel, believe me. My ex-fiance and I have many mutual friends, but a lot of them are my friends to begin with. When she left, she choose to paint me as a villain to all these people and never responded back. Luckily, all the mutual friends are on my side.

 

I would unfriend or block her on FaceBook, that's what I did. I called up all of my old friends that I hadn't talked to since our relationship and I have been trying to keep myself busy with them to distract myself from the lonliness. My ex also lived with me, so the house is very empty

It is like I live with her ghost..

 

You are not alone, I have been in this intense pain since March 24th when she left.

[Miastar]

I can relate. My town is small and my ex and I share so many friends/mutual acquaintances. And as soon as the relationship ended the gossip vultures came creeping with "oh so and so said you're having a bad time - what's up?" Bearing in mind I blocked this particular gossip vulture from all my social media so had no idea how they found things out!

 

I actually deactivated my Facebook and have been taking a drop from social media. It's hard but rather nice really.

 

What about setting up a group chat on whatsapp with your friends? That's what I've done and it's a lot nicer and more personal than keeping in touch via Facebook.

 

Also it's worth taking the view that perhaps your town isn't so small after all.. I used to hate where I live because I felt everyone knew each other. But if you look at all the people you walk past in the street, do you actually recognise any of them? It's a bigger world than it first seems!