What Does Sudden Silence and Ignoring Mean?

[DavidH2017]

Hi

 

After breaking up and remaining really friendly for a few weeks, my ex girlfriend has suddenly gone completely silent and is ignoring any attempt to contact her.

 

She ended our relationship in February, after an argument, and moved out. After a few days she got back in touch and we kept in regular contact over text and phone, and it was all very friendly. About a month ago she called and was upset, saying that she missed me and couldn't concentrate on her work and studies, so I asked her about getting back together but she said she was still confused and uncertain, which I understood, so said maybe we could take things slowly. A couple of days later she was a bit off over text, and made a snippy comment over my suggestion at taking things slowly, as though she wanted me to be more positive. She tends to think I'm a bit aloof and indifferent, and don't care sometimes, when in fact I do, but am just not the overly emotional type, and have never chased her. Anyway, we arranged to meet later for drinks, which was fun and we talked about getting back together, but she expressed some reservations. At the end of the evening I went to kiss her but she backed away, so I left it at that, and afterwards she texted and thanked me for a lovely evening.

 

The next day she asked to meet again, and we had a drinks and dinner., and she was flirty and friendly At dinner she nervously raised the subject of getting back, and that maybe she could manage her reservations, so I figured we were back on track. However, she later snapped at something minor, so I backed off a bit, and walked her home. Things were again friendly, and I asked to come in, but she was reluctant, so I let it go. Later she texted to thank me for a great night, and apologised for snapping. A couple of days later we briefly met, and I casually asked her about getting back together again. She said she was confused, and needed to concentrate on assignments that were due that week. I said I understood, and that I wouldn't pressure her, and if she did want to then great, but if not then I'd understand. We made plans for the following weekend, and for a couple of other things, and so I thought so far so good.

 

However, since then things have reversed completely. In the week I wished her good luck with her assignments, but she told me she was going to postpone them because she couldn't concentrate, which I guess was due to all this confusion. She then politely cancelled the weekend plans, and texts went from frequent and friendly to sparse and neutral, with no more phone calls. After a couple of weeks of noticing this I figured I'd be pro-active and called her, and told her that maybe I was being unfair trying to get her back when she was obviously under a lot of pressure at work, and that maybe I should give her a bit of space. I didn't want to, but figured it made sense, and that she'd appreciate it, but instead she got angry, and said she was busy and taking space anyway, and hung up.

 

Under the circumstances I left it a week a so, and sent her a brief text asking her how she was and if she wanted to catch up, which was ignored. A week later, I sent her another about something I saw which I knew she'd be interested in, which was also ignored, and that was about a week ago. I thought perhaps that after my call, or the following texts, she may have replied to tell me to stop contacting her, but nothing.

 

So, right now, I'm at a loss to know what to do or think, as there are a few possibilities. Maybe she was confused, but has decided it's too much, with work and studies, and so has given up on the idea of reconciliation, but then why not just tell me, as we got on pretty well and she knows that I'd understand and wouldn't make a fuss? Maybe she was annoyed that I didn't push her harder when she seemed open to the idea, and thought I wasn't that bothered, even though I told her I wanted her back? Or maybe she got angry at me offering her space, and took that as rejection, as she tends to read rejection into most things? It's frustrating, as I've given her the opportunity to shut the door fully, and she knows I wouldn't pressure her on that and would walk away, but she hasn't done that, but nor is she opening it, even slightly now.

 

Ordinarily I'd leave it as, no matter what, if she's interested then she can let me know, but she's not the type to get in touch, even if she really wanted to, as she's a bit stubborn and fearful of rejection. In the past, I've always had to initiate things and eveb push her a little, but she liked that, and seemed to welcome and enjoy my persistence. In fact, even though she ended things, and was angry at the time, she said I didn't fight for her. So, is all this ignoring because she's decided to move on, or is she seeing if I'll be persistent and will keep trying?

[Keyman]

I think it's because she's trying to move on. Realistically she broke it off and has been hot and cold ever since. This sounds like she is holding on to see if it's any better, but as time ha gone by, the LC - low contact has worked to help her see that she doesn;t really want this relationship anymore. It now sounds like she has gone NC - no contact, as an attempt to move on and get things sorted.

 

This is not to say she won't come back, but I doubt she wants you biting at her heels constantly.

 

I would suggest walking away for the time being, go NC yourself and try to focus on yourself for a while.

[seanryder]

I think it means what you think it means....it's over.

 

"She said I didn't fight for her"

 

This is another one of those stupid scenarios Hollywood throw at us..... Unless someone 'fights' for you, as in do crazy stuff to 'prove' your love for them, then they're out. Personally I want someone who knows how much I love them from the way I treat them on a daily basis.

 

She seems like a bit of a drama queen to me.

[DavidH2017]

I think it's because she's trying to move on. Realistically she broke it off and has been hot and cold ever since. This sounds like she is holding on to see if it's any better, but as time ha gone by, the LC - low contact has worked to help her see that she doesn;t really want this relationship anymore. It now sounds like she has gone NC - no contact, as an attempt to move on and get things sorted.

 

This is not to say she won't come back, but I doubt she wants you biting at her heels constantly.

 

I would suggest walking away for the time being, go NC yourself and try to focus on yourself for a while.

 

Yeah, I think you maybe right. The only reason I doubted it was because the breakup was kind of my fault, and she was a bit angry at first, but mainly because I didn't do anything to try and change her mind, and just wished her good luck, which annoyed her a lot. In fact, she's never once referred to the argument that caused the break up and, after that brief bit of anger, it was then that things got friendly on her part.

 

To be honest, the low contact was as much about her saying how unhappy she was without me, but without me pushing anything. I just said I wanted her back but would accept things if she decided she didn't want to. So, there's was no snapping at her heels really, just a take it or leave it attitude on my part, which seemed to piss her off more than me actually trying harder.

 

I can actually understand the no contact on her part, as it was obviously stressful on her part, and she was struggling to concentrate on anything, so stepping back would make a lot of sense. As a result, she could have just told me she'd decided against it, as I'd told her I'd understand if that's what she decided. So, what I don't get is why she then got angry when I called to tell her I'd give her some space, as I figured that's what she wanted. I suspect it was me being pro active in backing off, in response to her pulling away, that has pissed her off this time, as until then she was fully in control of things. So, given that she thinks I'm a bit of an uncaring a-hole , I didn't know if making some effort might help.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, she's trying to move on and since you keep asking to reconcile but she wants friendzone she needs to a back off. No contact will help you move on. She may have started dating someone.

 

How long were you dating? What was the argument/breakup about? It sounds like that was never resolved.

She ended our relationship in February, after an argument, and moved out.

[DavidH2017]

Agree, she's trying to move on and since you keep asking to reconcile but she wants friendzone she needs to a back off. No contact will help you move on. She may have started dating someone.

 

How long were you dating? What was the argument/breakup about? It sounds like that was never resolved.

 

The relationship was for about a year, and the break up was because I shouted at her for something. To be honest it was six of one, as she was being moody, and I reacted, which I never normally do, but was distracted by something else. Had I left her to cool down a couple of days after saying she'd move out, then I doubt she'd have gone. In fact she was angry afterwards because all I did was wish her good luck and didn't try to stop her. So it was nothing really. She tried to get a bit of mileage out of it at first, but once she saw I wouldn't bite she dropped it.

 

After that she was very friendly. I haven't even kept asking her to reconcile at all, and have never been the one to raise the subject. We spoke several times on the phone, sometimes for more than an hour, and met a few times, and each time she was reluctant to end the call, or leave. In fact the last but one time we had a great evening, but she snapped at me when I said I'd take her home, as she misread it as me trying to get rid of her, which she then laughed at when I told her that wasn't the case at all. The only time we ever spoke about reconciliation was when she was really upset and said she was missing me and couldn't think about anything else, and when she said she'd been thinking about getting back together. It was only only in response to her raising it that I said I wanted to as well and, when she said she was confused and unsure, I just told her we could take things slowly (which she got snippy at too) and would accept it if she didn't want to.

 

I even told her I'd back off and give her some space, when it was clear she was confused and stressed with work, but that just made her angry, and resulted in her going silent on me.

 

Who knows, maybe she is seeing someone else, but a few weeks ago she phoned me all upset and nervously asked me if I was seeing anyone, and I said no. It's weird, because sometimes she'll be all moody and hostile, and other times she'll be all girly and nervous around me. It's like sometimes she tries to get me to react, but when it's not how she wants she either switches tactics, or gets angry and frustrated.

[AutumnBorn]

This is a classic case of "going no contact". Welcome to hell.

 

You two talk a lot about getting back together without getting back together. This NC may be about forcing things. Either you "fight" for her or you go away.

 

Here's my two cents: If I were in your shoes I'd send one message: "By all appearances, you no longer wish to hear from me. I understand and wish you all the luck and happiness you deserve. Give 'em hell, girl." Then, go NC yourself.

 

You have to put the ball back in her court. Don't ask her to contact you, don't even suggest it, just acknowledge you've received her message that she doesn't want to communicate and that you accept it. Nothing hateful, nothing mean spirited, just accepting of her decision.

 

Then go about your life.

 

That's what I'd do. But you do you - that's never the wrong thing. (If passive aggressive is your thing, hey, I think you've got the perfect girl. She's completely topping from the bottom.)

[MissCanuck]

My guess is she's been seeing someone else, and comes to you for attention when he's not giving her attention. Now things are back on track on there and she can't have her ex interfering (even though it appears she encouraged that for a while) so she's just stopped responding. Just my hunch.

 

She sounds exhausting, in any case, and not all that mature. The silence is actually a blessing in disguise, so you can proceed with your own healing and eventually find someone who is not confused about being with you.

[DavidH2017]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I can't really fight for someone who doesn't respond at all, as it's impossible to know if any contact is welcome or resented. Although, I kind of did put the ball in her court before, when she started to distance herself, by calling her and saying that perhaps I should give her a bit of space, as clearly she had a lot on her plate. She just seemed to get angry at that and hung up on me, and the full on silence started from there. I sent two friendly texts once a week since then, just saying I hope she was ok, but got no reply.

 

Maybe she is seeing someone else, but the timing of the radio silence suggests other things. We were getting along well until the week she had some assignments to complete that were important to her. I asked her how they went, and she told me that she didn't do them, and has had to put them off for a year because she couldn't concentrate on anything since we'd been split up. Communication dried up right after that.

 

She mentioned this before too, and said that even though she's really happy when we're together, she finds it unbearably painful in the times in between, when we're apart. She's admitted she has severe abandonment issues that are behind this, and so has a tendency to run, rather than face that pain, but we seemed to have overcome that by living together. Now that she's moved out its kind of put things back to square one.

 

In fact, when I suggested taking things slowly, and staying a few days a week, she said she'd struggle to cope with the other days, and got a bit annoyed at me wanting to take things slow.

[MissCanuck]

I think this one has run its course, OP.

 

I would consider her silence all the information you need to begin moving forward without her.

[DavidH2017]

Thank you, I think you're right, and know deep down that's the right thing to do.

 

I suppose I was a little blindsided by her getting upset at me saying I'd give her some space, as she takes even the most well intentioned things as a sign of rejection, and so is not as easy to read as most people. But, I guess there's nothing I can do about that now.

[Confusedjj]

this is really tough and I can understand your pain. Take the time to move forward and heal, as hard as that is. My ex flat out iced me out as well and a week later he came running back. Do not rely on this solely, but it is okay to have a bit of hope. Put yourself back out, into the world and let yourself be yourself. This situation is almost identical to mine and it is so tough. The emotions and the head often battle and right now, her head is telling her to leave.

 

All the best xx

[DavidH2017]

Thanks, I'm not holding out much hope though. I think it's easier for a guy to reach out than a girl, and she also has avoidance/rejection issues, so would find it hard to make contact.

 

I'll just move on and let her be. Luckily we don't work together, although frustratingly, despite having no ties to the area, and never having lived here before, when she moved out she found somewhere pretty much walking distance away. So I'm bound to run into her at some point.

[DavidH2017]

As an update, the inevitable happened and we did bump into each other.

 

As I suspected, the ignoring was because I'd called her to give her space, which she mistook as me giving up, and so was angry about it. Clearly she's still angry about it as, despite an awkward but not hostile encounter, as we were parting she raised the issue of the call. Of course I tried to explain, but it fell on deaf ears, and she said she didn't want to discuss it on the street. So, we went our separate ways.

 

If I was being optimistic I'd say that anger is always a good sign, as it usually means there are feelings, but on the downside it's hard to overcome until it subsides. Equally, this could have either made things worse, or been a catalyst to re open communication. Either way, I'll leave it to her for a few days and see what happens.

[TiredOfDating]

Just from reading this, and knowing more than a few drama queens in my life....she's doing all this to get you to chase her. She's giving you every indication that she wants you to chase you. You did not respond to her the way she wanted you to at any point. So now she's trying NC because she read somewhere that NC will make you miss her and beg her to come back eventually.

 

Do you want her back? that's the important question. if you don't, let her throw her little temper tantrums. she's going to make you out to be the bad guy, regardless.

[DavidH2017]

I'm not so sure, as I'm only guessing she took my suggestion of giving her space as me giving up. She might just have found the call annoying, as she was busy at work. That said, it's seems hardly that being a deal, to disappear.

 

So, I assumed that she'd decided to move on, and the call was a good excuse to drop all contact. That seems fair enough. But if so, why bring up the call when me met, after so long, and still appear angry about it?

[DavidH2017]

I've been thinking. My normal reaction is to remain no contact, but she's quite insecure and would never reach out, even if she wanted, unless she thought I was still interested. Given I was reasonably casual when we met, she'll think I've moved on. So whilst I'd like to reconcile, I don't mind if she doesn't, but would hate to think it was all over a misunderstanding.

 

I usually hate email apologies, as it always looks like a hidden agenda. However, I was thinking about emailing to apologise for my call, saying that I got the impression she wanted to talk about it, but we didn't have time, and that I would like to as well, if she was open to it. I'd end it saying that I'd leave it with her in case I misread things.

 

Any thoughts?

[Tomthumb88]

If you want to reconcile and you have a reasonable idea that she might as well then do it. But try to contact her directly. At least use the phone but preferably in person. I'd suggest you frame it as "reconnect" or something rather than trying to jump right back into a relationship.

Just be sure you can handle "no"

[DavidH2017]

Thanks

 

Thing is I don't know, as it's hard to tell what she wants from how she reacts. When we first split she sent me an angry text saying F-you etc, but then was fine and friendly a few days later. So who knows.

 

I agree, in person is better, but the only I way I can do that is if I run into her by chance. Phone too is tricky as, unless she knows why I was calling she might well not pick up.

 

Whilst I'd like to fix things, I'm ok with a "no", but just didn't want to think it's over a misunderstanding. So, the purpose of any email is reconnection at most, to get her to talk, either in person or on the phone. Also to let her know that it's up to her whether she replies and, if she chooses not to, I'll leave it there and won't ask again. Any else I can worry about after.

 

I guess I'm asking because I'm not usually a fan of making contact, and prefer to leave it to the other person to reach out. However, in this case, it might be about something I said that she misunderstood, and so thought it might be up to me.

[Honeybal]

One day this girl is going to realize that she's being an and that you were a good guy and regret being so indecisive. At this point anything you say to her will fall on deaf ears because she is acting and thinking like a victim. She's not thinking about you at all and that's a sign of a very emotionally immature person. I suggest trying to talk to her face to face one more time and lay down all your cards. Say you're open to working things out. But if she keeps acting like a jerk then she needs to be left alone so she can figure things out on her own. Speaking from experience because this is how I used to act with my exes. It's not you at all no matter what she says to blame you, this is all her insecurity and immaturity coming out all at once because she's overwhelmed by school and life so she's taking it out on you. This is really hard because no matter what you say she will always act like you're attacking her, just be kind and let her know you're there for her, i hope she doesnt learn things the hard way like I did.

[DavidH2017]

Thanks, that sounds pretty accurate. She comes across all tough and confident, but is incredibly insecure and fearful of rejection.

 

Unfortunately I have no opportunity to see her face to face, so last week I sent her an email. I said that I understood how upset she was when I called, and apologised for the thoughtless timing. I said that I'd like to talk properly about it if she wanted. I ended by saying that I hoped to hear from her, but if not I'd understand that she want any more contact from me, and would respect that.

 

So, I left her with the option of not having to reply if she didn't want to hear from me anymore. However she did, in an angry and hostile way, saying that she never wanted to see or hear from me again, and to leave her alone. Given that she initiated contact after the break up, and seemed keen to try and reconcile, and that we were getting on great until I called to offer her a bit of space when she was stressed, I have no idea why she's now suddenly all angry and hostile.

 

If she wanted to just move on she could have done so. She could even have told me that, and knew I'd understand, as I'd told her that before. So I just don't get why she's angry and hateful now, as I've never chased or pestered her, and have been pretty easy going and understanding about things.