Marriage pressure

[someguy69]

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 22 months now, and the pressure to get engaged and married has been reaching a critical point.

 

It seem that several (eight or so) of her friends have gotten engaged within the past few months and are getting married within the next year.

 

These friends, as well as some of her family have been pressuring her as to when we are getting married.

 

They tell her things like I must not be too serious if I haven't proposed yet.

 

She's really biting at the bit now, and I must admit this constant pressure is certainly not having the desired effect on me.

 

We are also going through some relationship difficulties at the moment for which we are going through couple's counseling.

 

I don't want to get engaged until we work through some of our problems.

 

She doesn't seem to understand my desire to make sure our relationship has a real future before making wedding plans.

 

Any advise?

[DN]

Never get married because other people are.

Never get married until problems are resolved.

Never get married until you are sure that is what you want.

 

Explain to her why you will not marry until the problems are sorted out and you feel that the time is right. If she continues to pressure you, consider whether you want to stay in the relationship.

[shes2smart]

If you're not sure you're ready to get married and/or are not sure you're ready to get married TO HER, then stand your ground. Don't let her, her friends, her family, your family, your friends or anyone else pressure you into a proposal.

 

Just because all her friends are getting engaged doesn't mean she has to. You also need to understand that if she is ready to get married and you are not, you may end up breaking up. However, that's better than getting forced into a marriage you're not ready for or don't want and you wind up getting divorced.

 

You should spend some time considering things from your perspective only...things like do you want to get married at all? If so, what age would you see yourself doing so? Could you see yourself being married to her or not? These are questions only you can answer for yourself, and there are no right or wrong answers.

 

Until you know what you want for yourself, don't propose.

[Cecelius]

What DN said.

 

I'm about your age and my g/f had started saying the same things (not so much wedding stuff but where are we going, etc.) about a year ago (about 1 year into dating).

 

I have two lovely children from a previous marriage. I feel I did enough harm to them in leaving and I don't really want to make things much worse or complex for them now. She started giving me a hard time about when she was going to meet them, etc. She once got mildly offended because I bought some furniture for my place without showing it to her first.

 

So I broke up with her.

 

We worked it out but she understands that if it gets too pressure filled, I'll end it.

[VictorWard]

I've gone through the exact same thing with my girlfriend. My advice is to stick to your guns about wanting to make sure that marriage is what you want. Marriage is something that nobody should be pressured into.

 

She's really biting at the bit now, and I must admit this constant pressure is certainly not having the desired effect on me.

It really makes you want to run the other way doesn't it?

[bubbamackdaddy69]

I was in the exact situation. ex g/f of almost 3 years kept pressuring me to get married but I wasn't ready then. Plus the her pressuring me didn't help at all.. Like really..it wouldn't feel special If I asked her when she kept bugging me about it. I wanted to ask her when I was ready and to her surprise.. Oh well..we're not together anymore been 1.5 years.. actually talked to her 2 weeks ago and we are civil to each other.

I say do what you feel is right and on don't get pressured into it.

[Cecelius]

The thing that I don't think women understand is that more often than not, all the marriage pressure ends up seeming as if it's the institution that they are looking for -- the status, and the man himself is secondary.

 

Almost as if they are saying they WILL be married, but isn't it nice that I happen to like you, too?

 

If you're just a stand in for a photograph she's been planning in her mind for 20 years, let some other dude take on the bills, the pressure, etc.

[apollocreed71]

My ex did the same thing. Women need more of a committment from a man, and most of them have some sort of elaborate idea about a wedding. It is the biggest day of their lives, next to becoming a mother. If you have problems, definetely solve them befor you get married. Could the problems be becauese you are not engaged? Find out where the source of problems are coming from first. Also, as a man, if you are acting like you are married, have the balls to make that committment. What gives here with us men I do not know, we live with them, have sex and children, but are scared to death of marriage. Funny, huh. You need to examine yourself, and see where you want to go, if you are not planning on marrying her let her move on, I think women desire that more than men. You would not like to be led on. Its like the old saying, "why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free". If you do not feel in you heart that she is the woman you want to have your family, and spend the rest of you life with, avoid marriage with her.

[Nebular]

I agree that pressure is bad, but as someone who has had ALL my friends (and I mean it literally ALL of them) get married and pretty much drop off the face of the earth; it ain't fun. Yeah, they're all nice and stuff, but when it comes to socializing with the SINGLE girl...umm no. They'd rather cavort with other married couples and since all my girlfriends were younger than I, like I think the youngest one was 19 when she married...they put on this air like they're superior to you. "Oh...silly little child. she couldn't possibly understand what we as MARRIED women understand...poo poo poo. Poor baby."

 

Their parents all pretty much shoved them into it too... I was there as an objective witness, I saw it. Pressure sucks on both ends; maybe her parents are harping at her about it every minute of the day, maybe her friends are starting to look down on her as the poor, lowly single girl. It's no fun to have engagement rings from your friends shoved in your face when you're 23 or 24 and your friends are 20 and marrying the first guy they date. So, just be aware that she might be pressuring you because she's getting pressure and she wants people to shut up and leave her alone. Really, when all your friends get married it's like they join this club and you can only look in at them having their little garden party.

[Cecelius]

So, just be aware that she might be pressuring you because she's getting pressure and she wants people to shut up and leave her alone.

 

And be very careful if this is the case, since it shows that she bows to pressure pretty easily. Think of having your mother in law in your business AND getting her way for the rest of your life...

[annie24]

So, just be aware that she might be pressuring you because she's getting pressure and she wants people to shut up and leave her alone.

 

And be very careful if this is the case, since it shows that she bows to pressure pretty easily. Think of having your mother in law in your business AND getting her way for the rest of your life...

 

 

AAACK! Now that's scary!

 

I agree with everyone else. If you don't feel that this is the right time for you, don't go through with it "just because everyone else is doing it." I think that's a great reason to go bungee jumping or skydiving, but a life-long committment...

 

hehehe... Nebular - you know in a few years, these women will be saying to you, "Oh honey - you don't understand. You waited and you're HAPPILY married to the man of your dreams! We're divorced! You couldn't possibly understand what it's like!"

[someguy69]

This is pretty much exactly what is happening... except that the to be married friends are putting on the pressure of joining their state of engagement bliss... and that if I haven't proposed yet, then I'm not serious about her.

 

It's amazing how inconsiderate some people can be.

[annie24]

well - but you did say that you two are having relationship problems, and you don't want to enter a marriage until those are solved. So, it's not as though everything's perfect...

 

but yes, these ladies should MTOB.

[someguy69]

well - but you did say that you two are having relationship problems, and you don't want to enter a marriage until those are solved. So, it's not as though everything's perfect...

 

but yes, these ladies should MTOB.

 

Actually, most of her friends are guys... and they're bugging her about the rings they've bought their women, and why I haven't gotten her a ring yet.

[Cecelius]

Then constantly remind yourself what a cool pimp you are and how dopey these guys are to have to buy jewelry to keep a girl...

[NewsGirl23]

Ya know it is amazing listening to all of you "guys" tell the same story..

 

"my girlfriend did the same thing"

 

"Yep it happened to me"

 

Over an over, man, this is for real.

 

Girls are so much more different than men. They want security, and marriage is security. I highly doubt she knows that she is pushing you away, only because I have been that girl to ask my boyfriend.. "so... I graduate here in about 6 months and I have no plans on moving to where you are in Illinois unless I have promises made to me" ya know where that got me? On a "break" its been three weeks now and he claims he is trying to figure things out in his life. If I had to do it all over again, I never would have given him that altimadum even though we have been together for three years... Let your girlfriend know exactly how you are feeling before it builds up and up and you have to go on some weird break up thing. Tell her to respect that you are not ready and to simply enjoy your relationship now... Sorry men.. us girls are crazy... but we mean well.

[anchor31]

I'm a girl and I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years. I would like to get married in a few years, but I'm trying to not pressure my boyfriend about it because I know it's not the right thing to do and marriage should not be rushed into or forced, and I know each of us aren't ready personally to be married and neither is our couple.

 

However, I am feeling pressured about getting married right now and I don't really know what to do. Many friends and family are getting engaged/married and keep asking me when my turn is. My parents and grandmother are very conservative and still preaching about premarital sex. My grandmother has been saying for years that seeing me in a white dress is her greatest dreams, and she's not getting younger.

 

I know I shouldn't get married to please my friends and family and I don't plan to, but can anyone give me tips as to how to handle this pressure without wanting to break up? I am worried that the pressure my boyfriend is also getting from his family will only hurt our relationship... I love him and I want to marry him eventually, but we need to get rid of all this pressure!

[annie24]

Hi anchor - You may want to repost this in it's own thread, so your post can get more attention.

 

Since your grandma wants to see you in a white dress, tell her you will take her out to brunch next week wearing this cute new summer halter dress you just bought!

[Luciana]

I can see the guy's point. If you don't feel confortable with the situation you shouldn't get married just because she wants to (although it is nice to consider her feelings) and mostly because other people think you should.

 

Now, how do you guys feel if the woman waited 5 years for this, and the guy is still flaky about it? And the woman is waiting and waiting...she always thinks it will happen this V-day, or during their trip to Paris, or during her bday, or on NYE, or Xmas...etc, and nothing ever happens?