Two prospects

[limichelle]

Well there are two guys I'm currently talking too. I don't like to multi date and I just want to focus on one.

 

The first guy is 38 he is a store manager has his own house and car. He lives close by. He is more sexual then me I worry. He wants a relationship but all he can talk about is sex.

 

The second guy is 44 works part time and drives his own car but still lives at home. He has some autism and other anxieties.

 

I relate to the second guy because I'm 34 I don't drive and I live at home on disability. We seem to get each other.

 

The first guy was frank telling me he doesn't know anyone with my illness so he doesn't know anything about it. He is accepting of it and is willing to take sex slow and go at my own pace.

 

I just feel like the only reason I like guy number one because he lives ten minutes away and is independent.

 

The second guy is more respectful and not vulgar.

 

However I don't know what it would be like dating someone with some Autism?

 

Lisa

[Wiseman2]

Talking about sex before meeting can signal a red flag. The autism guy is on a dating site so he seems ready willing and able to have a relationship. Have you considered having a meet/date with both and then deciding to narrow it down?

[Batya33]

I wouldn't date either person. I would not assume the first guy is more sexual - talking about sex simply could mean he is focused on the topic but he's no more sexual than you or anyone else - he might even have more hang ups. As far as the other guy I don't think there's much potential with a person who is his age and lives at home and only works part time. Also I don't think there's anything such as "some autism" so you'd need more information about what that means.

[maccerz]

Do you have any idea how severe his autism is? Essentially it's a social-communication disorder so I can imagine it COULD be difficult to have a relationship with somebody on the autistic spectrum. However autism effects everyone differently and I'm sure there are many people out there with autism who are very capable of having romantic relationships. How does he treat you? Does he express his interest in you? The first guy doesn't sound like he's suitable so definitely forget about him!

[limichelle]

Hey Wiseman I agree this guy I'm thinking is just in it for sex, I mean I don't know 100%. I feel more drawn to the autistic guy who says he is stable. I just asked if he wanted my phone number.

 

So I'll see if he is even up to meeting or talking.

 

Lisa

[limichelle]

I wouldn't date either person. I would not assume the first guy is more sexual - talking about sex simply could mean he is focused on the topic but he's no more sexual than you or anyone else - he might even have more hang ups. As far as the other guy I don't think there's much potential with a person who is his age and lives at home and only works part time. Also I don't think there's anything such as "some autism" so you'd need more information about what that means.

 

I re read what he wrote: I am on the Autistic spectrum where I have difficulty with sensory and social issues. I'm mainly normal and I'm stable.

 

 

Him living at home doesn't bother me because I live at home.

[limichelle]

Do you have any idea how severe his autism is? Essentially it's a social-communication disorder so I can imagine it COULD be difficult to have a relationship with somebody on the autistic spectrum. However autism effects everyone differently and I'm sure there are many people out there with autism who are very capable of having romantic relationships. How does he treat you? Does he express his interest in you? The first guy doesn't sound like he's suitable so definitely forget about him!

 

Hi,

 

He is very kind and is on there looking for a committed relationship. He types like you wouldn't know he has autism. He is sweet and accepts me for all of my issues and likes that we understand how people stigmatize us. He like me wants a chance at love and happiness.

 

Lisa

[maccerz]

Hi,

 

He is very kind and is on there looking for a committed relationship. He types like you wouldn't know he has autism. He is sweet and accepts me for all of my issues and likes that we understand how people stigmatize us. He like me wants a chance at love and happiness.

 

Lisa

 

I think you should most definitely give him a chance then!

[coconut5]

Try the second one. If it does not work, go for a third.

[coconut5]

What do you mean by "live at home"?

[RainyCoast]

vulgarity is an instant deal breaker. i would drop that one yesterday.

 

if you're interested in the second, continue to get to know him.

 

despite the aversion to multidating, perhaps continuing to simply get to know more people until you're more certain about Guy2 (or establish that you are not) would be economical. it doesn't have to go further than literally just getting to know them.

 

good luck!

[limichelle]

I still live with my parents for my own disabled reasons at an older age and so does guy number 2.

 

It doesnt mean it will be that way forever. If he and I do end up together, not saying we will but hypothetical he could move out and I could in to an affordable apartment. Where I pay my part in rent with disability and he pays his share with his part time job.

 

So these things are workable

 

Lisa

[RainyCoast]

i agree, limichelle. if there is a legitimate disability at play, living with his parents doesn't need to be an ominous sign. disabilities affect one's achievable level of individuation, and that needn't be a characterological concern, or an insurmountable obstacle to relationships.

 

there seems to be a distaste among the healthy for anything that makes a person less than fully independent, which is understable- people wonder "if one can't carry their own weight, who will? i won't sign up for this". but disabilities in and of themselves are not instant dealbreakers for everyone. and lots of people have the experience and resourcefulness to know the consequences of disability needn't be catastrophic.

 

i say go check it out in person, have a few casual dates if you like the first one, take it slow. you'll likely sense the extent and implications of his condition a few dates in, and have some idea of whether you're compatible as well.

[limichelle]

i agree, limichelle. if there is a legitimate disability at play, living with his parents doesn't need to be an ominous sign. disabilities affect one's achievable level of individuation, and that needn't be a characterological concern, or an insurmountable obstacle to relationships.

 

there seems to be a distaste among the healthy for anything that makes a person less than fully independent, which is understable- people wonder "if one can't carry their own weight, who will? i won't sign up for this". but disabilities in and of themselves are not instant dealbreakers for everyone. and lots of people have the experience and resourcefulness to know the consequences of disability needn't be catastrophic.

 

i say go check it out in person, have a few casual dates if you like the first one, take it slow. you'll likely sense the extent and implications of his condition a few dates in, and have some idea of whether you're compatible as well.

 

Thank you!

 

I will see if he first wants to talk on the phone. If he wants to meet up I will definitely take him up on that offer. You are right, I won't know much more until I go on a first meet up with him. Somewhere quiet like a coffee shop, where there aren't many people around. We both suffer from social anxiety.

 

Lisa

[RainyCoast]

let us know how it goes.

 

fingers crossed!

[limichelle]

I will keep you guys updated, hopefully I can set a date to meet him.

[Ms Darcy]

Hon, you aren't multi dating if you haven't met them yet.

 

I would pass on the sex talk guy if I were you.

[limichelle]

Hon, you aren't multi dating if you haven't met them yet.

 

I would pass on the sex talk guy if I were you.

 

Thanks you are right. I blocked the sex talk guy on everything.

 

Lisa

[ParisPaulette]

Do not date the first guy. When they talk about sex right out of the gate before you've been dating for any period of time they are looking for hookups. The whole "I want a relationship" is a line used to make you feel it's okay or that somehow it will excuse their behavior. It doesn't. And this guy is old enough to know better than that. Anyone truly respecting you and wanting something more serious will take the time to date you for a while and get to know you and sex doesn't come up right away when they really just want to see if there is a real relationship potential there.

 

The second guy, you will notice, is simply taking the time to get to know you. No sex talk, nothing to make you uncomfortable or feel worried that you may be pressured into something you don't want. If you like the second guy, you feel more comfortable with him, why not date him? Nothing says you have to have anything serious with either of these gents, but the first one is showing red flag behaviors unless you are only in it for hookups. The second guy sounds like a good guy what little you and we know of him, definitely far more respectful, so date him. Not Mr. I'm looking for a booty call and trussing it up as "Oh, I want a relationship too, so excuse my disrespect and nastiness."

 

Yeah, I'm old fashioned, but if you've been open about the fact you are not out for hookups and they trot out the sexual talk, that's being disrespectful and nasty. Especially before you've even gone on a date - try three and then maybe it gets to come up as a topic - maybe. In moderation.

 

Date the second guy and like coconut says if that doesn't work out find someone else to date. Take your time, remember to value yourself first of all, and not put up with people who won't value you at the start before they even know you.

 

P.S. I see you note you blocked the sex talk guy. Good for you!