Mixed messages, does he want me or not???

[Prudence]

I am 49, my last relationship of 9 years ended a few months ago because of his infidelity. Just a few weeks later I met a man though an online dating website. We live a two hour drive apart. We connected instantly, had many things in common and he even had connections with my family who live in the same part of the country as him. We shared similar interests, have a similar lifestyle are both self employed and wanting to back away from work to enjoy our lives. He is 15 years older than me. We are both fairly well off so know that we're not after each other's money. For the first couple of weeks it was very intense, emailing a few times a day, getting to know each other, then he said he was coming to visit, we had a great time and he was back the following week as I had a house full for a local historic motoring event. We both share a love of fast cars. He met my family and already knew of my cousins through his business, it was a great weekend and he was in no rush to leave. We were still texting through the day and speaking on the phone for a couple of hours a day, sometimes 4! The following week I drove up to stay with him and ended up staying for a couple of weeks. Again he was in no rush for me to leave, I began to notice that he had a problem with commitment, he is 65 and never been married, although he has a teenage daughter. He could sometimes say hurtful things, if I didn't do something properly he would make a big thing about it. His place is immaculate and I am also a tidy person so there was no issue with that. I noticed that he spoke to his daughter the same way and occasionally others, so I thought "well it's not just me then". I met some of his close family members, and friends and neighbours who all really took to me. He told me that he ended his last relationship of 2 years because she wanted to marry him soon into the relationship, she had children and needed supporting. I have seen texts and emails between them and again, their relationship was very intense at the beginning, he took her on holidays round the world and seemed to definitely fancy her physically more than he does me, she was Spanish and a lot younger than me. She sent him lots of emails at the end trying to patch things up, but he just seemed to have cut her off. He doesn't know that I saw these messages. When I ask him about what happened he just says he didn't love her and doesn't want to talk about it. After I came home, the texts and phone calls fizzled out. I went up and stayed with him again for a couple of days, but he kept arranging things for us to do so I ended up staying for 2 weeks until I had to leave because I had a meeting the following morning. The day I left, I meant to leave in the morning, but he said there's no rush and kept getting me to do things, then he cooked dinner, I thought just for him, but it turned out it was for both of us, again he said there was no rush for me to go, then he wanted me to help him with something else so I didn't get to leave until late afternoon. I said to him that as he had kept me there for 2 weeks and then didn't seem to want me to go must mean that he liked having me around? He smiled and said "a bit". On this last visit I also met some people who work for him and 2 days before I left he sat with me and we booked a two week holiday at his apartment in the Med (his suggestion). I have let him do all the first moves, he contacted me first, he invited himself to my house, he invited me to stay with him, he brought up the subject of me going on holiday with him. So, he's happy to let me meet his friends and family, he doesn't seem to hide anything from me and gave me access to all his business and personal online banking passwords and his credit card pin, so he must really trust me???!!! Invited one of his best friends and wife round for dinner to meet me. There wasn't much sex over the two weeks, he sleeps a lot and gets quite angry if I wake him! But the morning I was leaving, he suddenly got quite randy. When I finally left, he would barely say goodbye or give me a kiss or a hug, it's always the same. Since I got back, I've barely heard from him, he reads my texts but doesn't often reply. There was a fairly frosty phone call where he said he didn't make plans for the future, just liked doing things on the spur of the moment. To try and reassure him about the commitment thing, I told him in the past that I don't need anything from him, I'm financially independent and secure and am just looking for someone to share a nice life with, doing the things we love. I don't need looking after and have no children. For some reason, I've really fallen for him, we could have such a fantastic life together. I fancy him but I know he thinks I'm over weight (he told me), I weigh 67kg and his last girlfriend weighed 45kg. But I am losing weight rapidly and was always a skinny girl until my late husband died 10 years ago. I don't know what to make of it all??? Am I over analysing??? I try not to put any pressure on him, make plans or be needy in any way, I give him space when I stay with him and go off and do my own thing. He does let me cuddle him in the evening when we're watching TV and falls asleep in my arms. I'm so confused with all the mixed messages though, it's driving me nuts.

[Shaoirse]

I'm sorry , To be honest, I read over this post just once, what really jumped out at me was his personality traits, getting angry with you,nitpicking over little things and telling you to lose weight,totally unacceptable, honesty if this is just the start of a new relationship and this is what he is like, run and run fast

[Knight2001]

get rid of him, you deserve better. there are plenty of solvent men out there looking for love. this man sounds like a grumpy man who isnt afraid to say anything he likes to someone. telling you you are overweight ? dont stand for it. you deserve better. and this is only the start of your relationship. get out of it.

good luck

[KantSleep]

"He could sometimes say hurtful things, if I didn't do something properly he would make a big thing about it. He sleeps a lot and gets quite angry if I wake him! I fancy him but I know he thinks I'm over weight (he told me)..."

 

All deal-breakers for me. In my humble opinion, you don't need to be with someone who criticizes your weight and says angry and hurtful things. He has personality flaws which is likely why he never married. They all saw it. I wish I could say otherwise...

[Clio]

I began to notice that he had a problem with commitment

 

He could sometimes say hurtful things, if I didn't do something properly he would make a big thing about it.

 

I noticed that he spoke to his daughter the same way and occasionally others, so I thought "well it's not just me then".

 

He told me that he ended his last relationship of 2 years because she wanted to marry him soon into the relationship, she had children and needed supporting.

 

I have seen texts and emails between them and again, their relationship was very intense at the beginning, he took her on holidays round the world and seemed to definitely fancy her... She sent him lots of emails at the end trying to patch things up, but he just seemed to have cut her off.

 

he didn't make plans for the future, just liked doing things on the spur of the moment.

 

he thinks I'm over weight (he told me), I weigh 67kg and his last girlfriend weighed 45kg.

 

For some reason, I've really fallen for him, we could have such a fantastic life together.

 

Reread what you wrote about his previous relationship and how it evolved: Intense beginning > abrupt end. Hot and cold. That is his pattern and that is how things are likely to end with you two. This guy is emotionally unavailable. He cannot stand intimacy for a long period of time so he is hot and cold. He is also hurtful to the people who get too near him (see his daughter and how he talks to you). Sorry to say that thinking that you could have a fantastic life together is delusional. At 65 he is not going to change. The hurtful "hot and cold" side is part of his character. You cannot have the good part without the bad part and the fact that you are not interested in marriage does not mean that you can be happy with him. Any kind of stable intimate relationship needs some level of commitment - that is, both persons need to emotionally commit to being there for each other. He seems to squirm at building an emotional bond and intimacy i.e. he is not relationship material.

 

This hot and cold behaviour can be addictive to the brain, hence your intense feelings but if you were to take a step back, you would realise that it is incompatible with a "fantastic life together". The "hot and cold" is not "mixed messages", it is his character/who he is and based on his past history and age, this is who he will continue to be. Based on his pattern and behaviour, he cannot commit to building a stable intimate relationship. He is too intimacy avoidant for that. Plus, he is not a nice person to begin with if he is hurtful to people and his own daughter. It sounds like he can be addictively intense but that' s all he really has going for him when it comes to relationships.

 

P.S. Imo absolving hurtful behaviour with "well it's not just me then" is very unhealthy and you seriously need to rethink the validity of such logic.

[Keyman]

It sounds like he is suffering from Grumpy Old Man Syndrome, which has other names, but is also known as male menopause. What you have described would suggest that he is also deficient in Tostesterone which is what causes Grumpy Old Man Syndrome.

 

Ultimately it is your choice if you want to stay with him, but the above could suggest many reasons why he is acting the way he is and why you feel you are receiving mixed messages.

 

I'm not sure if he sees anything wrong with himself, or how he would take you suggesting he take tostesterone supplements, but this could be an avenue for a happier lifestyle.

[Wiseman2]

It may be best to slow down a bit since it sounds like you are on the rebound. Things are going very well if he's inviting you for weeks at a time and planning vacations, no?

 

The texting can fizzle out but as long as the in person activity is good that's all that matters. He sounds a bit set in his ways, so that won't change. Try not to 'prove' you are not his last gf or be like her, why bother doing that?

we booked a two week holiday at his apartment in the Med. he thinks I'm over weight he told me, I weigh 67kg. I try not to put any pressure on him, make plans or be needy in any way, I give him space when I stay with him and go off and do my own thing. He does let me cuddle him in the evening when we're watching TV and falls asleep in my arms.