I need the clarity

[KateBexley]

Hello,

 

So I've been with my boyfriend for around 9 months now, but we have been friends since we were younger and have known each other for a long time. All his family and friends and myself have always made 'gay jokes' to him just because of things he does jokingly and he'll say funny things but I've always thought he possibly could be, knowing him so well and picking up on things he says and does. The thing is, he is incredible in bed, and he loves the female body i have no doubt about that, he adores all women's shapes and sizes etc, not in a concerning way, he just really appreciates the female body, and i know hes absolutely infatuated by me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me but the other night, he told me he was bi. He has never told anyone and never said it out loud even to himself, but he's trusted me and is comfortable enough to share that with me which made me so happy. It's more of an attraction to guys sexually than anything but he still prefers women, and he's not really experienced or experimented his 'gay' side. He doesn't want to leave me or lose me which I've assured him isn't going to happen as i'm so happy about him talking to me and trusting me with that as its a huge thing and guys generally struggle more with it, he hasn't fully accepted it yet. Being bi myself, i've been more open about it for years now, my family don't and will never know as for me its more sexual desire than romantic and i know they don't agree with it all but it's made it easier for me to understand obviously.

 

Part of my is still having questions with him being bi though... the other day during sex i then pictured him with a man and then started to picture him imagine i was and all this nonsense and i had a really horrible dream about it the other night. I've told him i am more than happy for him to go and experiment a bit with guys as he's planning a future with me but never really got to find out what it would be like to that all of that but he refuses and he doesn't want anyone other than myself which i know he means and i know he isn't going anywhere but the thoughts are there. I now fear that some point down the line he will want to and he'll leave or the frustration f it may sway him to eventually settle on being gay. I know it all sounds so ridiculous but I'm just struggling to accept that he wont leave me. He's never had this fear about me but he's known about it for years so knew what he was getting himself in to and as most guys would, gets quite excited by it whereas this is all so new and I'm not too sure how I am supposed to feel now. Nothing has changed for me, he's still the same person and i was expecting it anyway, but now the thoughts are there and that's what frustrating me.

 

Anyone who could help, that would be much appreciated.

[Raggie]

Hello there!

 

I don't think it was sensible for you to offer him experimentation with other men. How would you honestly feel if he agreed to that?

Think of it this way; had he admitted that he always wanted a redhead (and, say, your're blond), would you have offered for him to experiment with an auburn haired female? I know sexuality is more complex and fundamental than that, but I believe the principle applies.

 

He being bi-sexual should be irrelevant. If he was hetero, he chose you over ALL other women. Him being bi just means he chose you over ALL other women AND men.

 

The conversation I might have is just asking him whether he feels that he has sufficiently explored life and relationships (this question is agnostic to sexuality). If anyone answers with the negative, then they are just not ready for the commitment of a relationship.

Have you had that conversation? Note that it is different from giving him the opportunity to be with other men...

[MissCanuck]

How old are you both?

 

I think it's never very realistic to promise someone you'll "never leave" when you're not married or otherwise haven't been together for years. That's a risk everyone takes getting into a relationship - it could end. So while I realize it's not very pleasant to think that you two might not stay together forever, I also don't think it's very wise to be looking for reassurance that a partner of just 9 months will never leave you.

 

That aside, I feel you need to be careful giving him a pass to have sex or explore with other men. Yes, it's great that he's being honest about his desires and I'm sure it took a lot of courage on his part to reveal that. But opening up a relationship like that is a very risky prospect for anyone. It might not be as painless as you imagine. What if, for example, he's out with his friends some night and says he'll call in the morning - and then he reveals to you in that call that he had sex with someone else the night before? And would like to have sex with him again? Please do think carefully about what the reality of that could feel like.

 

I think you need to talk to him about how much he wants to explore this side of himself. If it's a strong urge for him, you might want to reconsider remaining in the relationship. Not because of his sexual preferences, but because it won't be a monogamous relationship (assuming that's what you would like)

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are ok hanging back while he explores this? That's an open relationship. Get tested for stds and use condoms.

 

If you are not ok with his experimenting (he won't suddenly become monogamous so plan that into "your future"), be honest with yourself.. It sounds like you're trying to be the "cool gf".

I've told him i am more than happy for him to go and experiment a bit with guys as he's planning a future with me but never really got to find out what it would be like

[Rezie]

Like others said. Giving him a free pass to explore his sexuality is quite risky it's not part of a monogamous relationship. If you do this then you need to set up rules and usually it should work both ways. If he has a desire to explore then maybe being in a relationship is not the best time for him.

 

Could be that he is gay and admitting being bi was the first step. Could be that later in life he wants to explore. Could be that he doesnt. It's impossible to know before hand. It's the same in all relationship. You never know if the person will desire someone else in the future not even the person him/her self.

[KateBexley]

Hi all,

 

I agree it isn't the best idea and yes maybe it wouldn't work and maybe that would be his preferred choice but I would rather him do it, and then know who he is and be sure he never missed out, than stay with me and feel like he has or then later down the line decide differently, but he doesn't want to anyway, it was just an idea. I'm 24 and he's 26 and of course its unrealistic to assume any relationship will last but isn't that the reason you get in a relationship, if you see a potential future? However, like i said we have known each other for a long time, i was about 12 when we met and I've known the family for years so this isn't like meeting someone new and being with them. He has no desires to explore and has assured me no interest in being with other people even sexually, it was me who suggested it and that's not because i'm trying to be a cool girlfriend, it's because I want whats best for him and for him to know for sure that it wont play on his mind the idea of it, whether he's with me or not...

 

All I really wanted help with was how to deal with this mentally, Like I explained in my original post it's not an issue to me, I had actually forgotten about it the following morning until i went to see him, but then i keep having these random thoughts and that dream i mentioned which i don't understand why because it doesn't fuss me. And i know your responses will probably be that it must so some how for me to be having these thoughts but it doesn't at all and being bi myself i know how irrelevant it is, it doesn't matter at all. Just not too sure how to approach this either in regards to him deciding later down the line, there's no way of me know that is there, so what do i do?