Meeting up with ex - how to not ruin this??? should I ask her about other guys?

[faelk]

My gf of 3 years broke up with me nearly two months ago, but we continued hanging out, even staying over each others places just with no sex and minimal intimacy , she's done this kind of thing before and we just ended up getting back together so I didn't think a whole lot of it, I was just kind of waiting for her to forgive me etc. and turn around, I thought we were going to get back together.

 

We also went out with friends, she stayed close to me, sat near me with her legs touching and turned towards me, had a general energy of wanting me to be close and protect her and last week I stayed at her place again she said "I should find someone else, you should find someone else" in the morning - I told her I'm not going to be a surrogate pretend boyfriend who goes out with you and sleeps in your bed if you are going to be with other guys. She knows I want her back.

 

So thats when she said we should not talk or meet for a few months.

 

I sent her a long letter of apology - I had been depressed over the last year about my career and vegetated, given up and became obsessed with politics and videogames. Not at all attractive, so I understand how it came to this, I didn't support her enough or create enough common ground between us, I pretty much ruined things. I said I was going to turn all of that around, and support her, which is true... the event really shifted my focus since and iv actually felt less depressed, taken up healthy activities and stopped with all the contrarian political views . I sent her the a long letter about that, she didnt say anything, just that we should meet in a few months, which I took as a good thing.

 

Iv also been really torn up about it, in tears day and night for over a week now, but generally trying to sort my life out and make a change.

 

Then a few days ago someone messenged her about a project we did together recently - they want us to do a proposal for a talk and workshop in a university, we have similar creative professions and have worked and collaborated together - so she sent me a message about that and we arranged to meet up and work on this. Which means we will have to work together and travel to the university

 

And then a few hours later she posted a photo on her instagram - of her feet and another guys feet sat next to her and his skateboard at a cafe or something, it was a weird photo I have no idea who this guy is. and I freaked out about it badly. I messaged her saying - can we meet we need to talk. And she said , no stop it! and then she threatened to cut off our meeting and said we will just talk about it over email. So I said, don't be silly, we need to meet up about this project, its fine forget about it lets just meet up in a few days and talk about the project. So thats what we are doing.

 

But..

 

I wanted to ask her to be honest and tell me if there is someone else as I deserve to know, and so I can start to come to terms with it

 

And I wanted to say to her that I felt it was insensitive to post an image like that on instagram, whoever this guy is, even if its just a friend. I have no idea who it is and she should have thought it might hurt me to see it, since its only really been a week and the wound is still very raw.

 

But I don't want to seem insecure and I know anything like this is likely to push her away....I also don't want to feel walked all over.

 

So when I meet her to talk about this project I have no idea if i should bring these things up???

 

( Iv recently checked out advice that if you want to get your relationship back you should cut off contact for a month or so and come back more confident and stronger and positive, but we have to work on this so I have to meet her, It also says you shouldn't freak out about her dating other people, but I feel walked all over if I don't bring this up, and its eating away at me not knowing who this guy was)

[JoeyD2000]

In my opinion you definitely have feelings for this girl & you're living in hope. Chances are you are only going to push her away asking her about her private life. I know you are hurting however if you want to progress you need to move forward. The best way to do this is go NC.

 

From my experience you are only going to prolong your hurt by continuing to have contact with her. If you guys are broken up it is her business on what she does with her private life.

 

Living in hope & hoping going no contact is no guarantee she will come back to you. Even is she does you guys broke up for a reason. It's the past, the chances of it working out a second time are minimal at best.

[Wolfshook]

Ask yourself, would you like to see your future repeat like this "she's done this kind of thing before and we just ended up getting back together"? If the answer is no, do your best to move on, it will take some time,but it is much better to spend a year moving on,than decades of your future going through emotional pain whenever she wants to be with somebody else.

[Raggie]

The thing is, now you've broken up she doesn't owe you anything.

No contact should be indefinite until you are completely healed.

If you HAVE to meet for work then it is work only... no matter how much you want to talk about other things.

At this stage, think to yourself, what explanation can she offer that would make you feel any better? Probably none.

Take care as I know this hurts like hell.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she wants out and was friendzoning you. Go no contact and delete and block her on everything.

 

Use this time for a self improvement program. See a doctor, get help for depression. Find work. Update your image.

Get in shape. Get new clothes, haircut, etc. Join some groups and clubs and do something other than video games.

I stayed at her place again she said "I should find someone else, you should find someone else". she said we should not talk or meet for a few months.

[shessofly]

She seems annoyed. I wouldn't push it if I were you. It sounds as if you just passively sat by waiting for her to return while doing nothing to correct whatever reason she broke up over. It does seem like you are in no position to meet with her. You are going to vomit emotions all over the place. Do that here or with your friends but never to the annoyed ex gf. Postpone the meeting and work thru email. Keep it strictly business. Unfortunately she doesn't owe you any explanations nor should she tiptoe around social media in order to keep you comfy. Unfollow, unfriend If you don't like what you see. When she said you should both date others that was your sign right there. She is ready to move on and would like you to do the same.

[faelk]

Thankyou - all great replies.

 

Well the replies all hurt like hell, but I guess thats what the truth does to you.

 

Yes, she seems very annoyed and its like anything I do right now might push her over.

 

shessofly, yes you are right I "just passively sat by waiting for her to return while doing nothing to correct whatever reason she broke up over." I was creating a fantasy bond and not coming to terms with the reality, I only have myself to blame for this, and it was only after it was too late and she said about seeing other guys and having no contact I actually freaked out and realised what I was responsible for and what had happened.

 

I should probably go NC.

[Raggie]

Hi. Don't take all of the blame. Relationships don't work that way, right?

[johnnydanger]

If you really love her and want to get back together, you will need to be cool headed. Don't let your emotions get out of hand, and accept that she may be dating someone else. So what, it's not the end of the world.

 

Don't pressure her by imposing limitations on what you find insensitive on her social media, as technically you are not together right now.

 

Try to slowly make your way back in. Don't inundate her with requests, keep gaps between your contact. This project sounds like a good opportunity to eventually meet face to face. When you do, take her for a coffee or dinner. Don't be clingy, just try to be confident and don't be breaking down or getting emotional with her.

 

This is what I would do. There are cases where it's worth fighting for the relationship if that's what you really want. Personally, and no disrespect to any others here, but I find the some of the advice given to be a bit harsh in terms of the no contact, new clothes, and all that. That's depressing advice for your situation. There's obviously qualities you possess which attracted her to you in the first place. You don't need to become an Anthony Robbins Richard Gere hybrid, as she's not some royal family member either. Don't put yourself down man.

 

Another option later down the line if you are really serious, is to write her a short hand written note expressing your feelings, and send it with flowers.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone has qualities they need to improve, and nobody on this earth is perfect.

 

Doing thee thing won't be a guarantee, but they will improve your chances. And if or when she comes around, she will definitely consider it all.

[shessofly]

Thankyou - all great replies.

 

Well the replies all hurt like hell, but I guess thats what the truth does to you.

 

Yes, she seems very annoyed and its like anything I do right now might push her over.

 

shessofly, yes you are right I "just passively sat by waiting for her to return while doing nothing to correct whatever reason she broke up over." I was creating a fantasy bond and not coming to terms with the reality, I only have myself to blame for this, and it was only after it was too late and she said about seeing other guys and having no contact I actually freaked out and realised what I was responsible for and what had happened.

 

I should probably go NC.

I did not intend to imply that this is all your fault, but look at whatever her reasons were for breaking up and if they are legit issues work on those. It may be too late for this relationship (and who's to say that it's even the REAL reason she broke up?), but you can fix those things and start feeling better. If you absolutely must meet up keep it strictly business. No relationship talk! I'm just saying I think it will be like talking to a brick wall if you go there, and her responses may end up being really hurtful! Imagine - she's already got you on her doo doo list, and you tell her she shouldn't post what she wants on social media...I think that could get ugly. Sorry

 

No one can say if she will come knocking some day, but one thing is for sure - pushing and pressuring for answers at this time will only make your situation worse. Stop looking at IG, FB, snapchat, whatever else if you are fearful of what you might see.

[faelk]

Well I went ahead and met her , I mean I had too, I knew that she would have seen me canceling our project as another time Id let her down and wasn't there for her. That could never have gone well.

 

When she first saw me she said i looked different ( I guess made a bit of an effort), she rubbed my hair, kissed me on the cheek, hugged me and said she'd really missed me. Well I tried to stay composed and not give so much back, Tried to keep it strictly business, never mentioned the Instagram or her seeing anyone else. I figured in this instance, making a big turn around on how I had become so resentful about my profession, disillusioned and counterproductive by taking an initiative and caring and working with her on this project would show her how much iv changed my outlook. Kinda subtly showing her I have begun to re-value common ground we share rather than focus on selfish negative distractions and obsessions and be resentful. And I told her hat I started a marshal art class and was not going to clubs and taking drugs or obsessing over populist politics anymore because I realised that approach to life was not serving me well - both of these were things she had been trying to communicate to me that she was really unhappy with and yeh, id just carried on with them. I mean I didn't tell her in an out right bragging way, but it inevitably came up in the convo when she asked how I was doing, I think she thought I looked and sounded better.

 

She also told me she started therapy, that she hadn't been well and it wasn't just me, and that she gets so negatively effects by really tiny things, such as a the tone of work email she received that she showed me. I gave her some good advice, like how a neurotic might deal with a certain event vs a healthy person and how she can shift her thinking and not go down the neurotic path, and she really liked the advice. I managed to turn around the dynamic we had perviously got into where she had said she felt like she was mothering me all the time. She also said that she needs to be on her own for some time and establish who she is. Well if thats what she needs, thats what she's gotta do I said.

 

We have to continue working together and to be honest Id kinda like to make up for all of the sh*t I put her through and support her in ways I never did, whilst at the same time work on myself and not let all of this destroy me. And not have too much hope or expectations we would get back together and not push her at all. I do really love her though, I think shed have to fall in love with me again and we create a new relationship rather than go back, If i can make that happen cool, Il go for what I want but I wont let it destroy me if I don't get it. I have a big nuke button, for absolute No Contact in the form of a message il write if I start to feel too hurt and rejected and she tells me she's seeing someone or whatever, I was on the edge and nearly sent it to go full on NC but decided to go the other way. SO MUCH THANKS johnnydanger yeh, for now I'm going down this route, gonna do that.

 

Im going on a date this week, so I'm like, trying to live on and not be crushed by this. I figured doing that would be a good idea. Or il just continue crying and crying over this grief when the best thing to do is put myself together.

[johnnydanger]

That's great man, happy to hear all that! Sounds like it all went well, and the martial arts will definitely help on the physical and mental.