How codepency ruins relationships

[SadSadgirl]

hi everyone! as i look through these forums i notice there are a lot of failing relationships mostly due to over attachment or codependency.

 

what is codependency?

from my experience, codep is basically reliance on someone else for the way you feel or act.

 

how do i know if my partner is codep, or if i am?

there's many ways to find this out but mostly in the beginning of a relationship, people do not have a problem with over expressing their "love" for you. with that being said, they may say things like: "i don't know what i'd do without you", "you're my everything", "everything is better when i'm with you". just things along those lines. another way to tell is if they always rely on you to fix their problems, even if you can't. my ex told me "i know i love you because whatever you feel, i feel too." (incredibly unhealthy behavior).

 

codependent people rely on YOU for their happiness, their sadness, their anger, etc. this is why codeps tend to smother their partner. seeing each other too much, blowing up your phone, rushing too fast. these type of people often overlook the most glaring red flags. they're usually the biggest victims of abusive relationships. a person who is happy with themselves would not tolerate abusive behavior. but usually a codependent does, since they do not want to be alone. codependent people often become attached and catch feelings way too quickly, even if they barely know the person. basically: "I will become attached to the first person that shows interest, they can make me happy and I won't be lonely."

 

the most toxic relationship is one that consists of 2 codependent people. these people have the lowest self esteem, and want to leech off of their partner to feel good about themselves. in relationships like these, think of trying to pour an empty glass of nothing into another empty glass of nothing, in the end you're gonna get nothing and be disappointed. these relationships are bound to fail if the people do not realize what their problem is. often people use their codependent ways to temporarily feel good about themselves, and to be "happy". i am codependent myself (i'm working on it), and i had dated someone who was codependent aswell. no matter what we told each other, deep down inside our self esteem was nonexistent and we were still insecure. we both ran to each other with our problems instead of attempting to fix them. needless to say, our relationship only lasted about 4 months, since his void was no longer being filled by what i gave him (nothing).

 

NO, you cant change someone who is codependent. if you try to help, change, or whatever, they will just depend on you. see how trying to help contradicts that? a codependent person needs to rely on themself before they enter into a relationship. these type of people use relationships to make them feel good, which is why they never last long. or in other cases, these relationships will become stretched out for way too long, because fear of loneliness, or they're scared of what life is life without their partner.

 

if you or your partner is codependent, it's not the end of the world. a healthy relationship moves at a healthy pace, giving each other space and having a life outside of the relationship. you've had a life before that person, so even if things don't work out, appreciate life as a single person and take time to reflect on things you need to work on. happiness with yourself results with happy relationships and friendships?

 

thoughts? suggestions? thanks for reading !

[limichelle]

Very true!

 

I was in a relationship for a decade. Why we sustained is because he had his interests and I had mine. We only saw each other on the weekends we made it a rule. I supported him in his differences and he supported me in mine. We were best friends and lovers but we never relied on the other for happiness. On the flip side I could read him better then most. I knew when he was angry or sad before he realized it. We were in the sense soul mates.

 

At the end the last three years we fell apart. He became seriously ill with his mental illness and became very co dependant on me. I tried to carry his load of the relationship and in the process it drove us apart. We don't speak but we parted on equal terms. I lost myself in the process now two and a half years later I am learning to rely on me for happiness. I'm back on the dating scene and don't take gruff from any guy! One red flag and I'm gone!

 

Lisa

[SadSadgirl]

Very true!

 

I was in a relationship for a decade. Why we sustained is because he had his interests and I had mine. We only saw each other on the weekends we made it a rule. I supported him in his differences and he supported me in mine. We were best friends and lovers but we never relied on the other for happiness. On the flip side I could read him better then most. I knew when he was angry or sad before he realized it. We were in the sense soul mates.

 

At the end the last three years we fell apart. He became seriously ill with his mental illness and became very co dependant on me. I tried to carry his load of the relationship and in the process it drove us apart. We don't speak but we parted on equal terms. I lost myself in the process now two and a half years later I am learning to rely on me for happiness. I'm back on the dating scene and don't take gruff from any guy! One red flag and I'm gone!

 

Lisa

 

definitely true, losing yourself in the process. i am glad you've taken the steps to become happy with yourself!

my ex and i both had very bad depression and i always expected him to make me happy, and he always expected me to make him happy. it was a huge mess. he's now in a relationship with someone who's way more codependent than i am, guess thats his type!

[SooSad33]

I agree, totally.

I know some who run from one relation to another.. within weeks. it's crazy! When or how are they working on getting themselves back to good again?

 

And when you come across someone who is so full of anger and showing damages.. you realize you can't be around them or they'll surely end up bringing you down with them so sad.

 

I've been on my own now for almost a year, after a rough encounter with someone, mentally ill.. and they were all over the place. I couldn't take it, after almost 2 months.

I am working on getting myself back to 'good' again and I'm sure they've had at least 2-3 more people, since.

 

Like you said.. a healthy relation moves at a healthy pace. I'll admit, this one was moving way too fast... then they totally backed off. Like they were around with decent interest & contact for a little while- to basically nothing.

Totally bewildering.. almost like a 'rebound'... ugh

 

Anyways- was not a good experience. I felt like I was 'ready', but they were not. In that case, of course this wasn't going to work out.

 

I've learned a lot over the years and what I will NOT tolerate. Like, being used. lied to, etc.

I expect respect and for my partner to complement me in my life.

We want to feel we can be ourselves.. and be 'happy'. Not miserable, walking on eggshells, etc. And I think one can tell within a matter of weeks, the vibes their partner is giving... then whether to consider walking from it all.

 

Inner strength for sure.. and knowledge. And yes, we need to tc of ourselves. Respect ourselves. So many need to see this.

[SadSadgirl]

I agree, totally.

I know some who run from one relation to another.. within weeks. it's crazy! When or how are they working on getting themselves back to good again?

 

And when you come across someone who is so full of anger and showing damages.. you realize you can't be around them or they'll surely end up bringing you down with them so sad.

 

I've been on my own now for almost a year, after a rough encounter with someone, mentally ill.. and they were all over the place. I couldn't take it, after almost 2 months.

I am working on getting myself back to 'good' again and I'm sure they've had at least 2-3 more people, since.

 

Like you said.. a healthy relation moves at a healthy pace. I'll admit, this one was moving way too fast... then they totally backed off. Like they were around with decent interest & contact for a little while- to basically nothing.

Totally bewildering.. almost like a 'rebound'... ugh

 

Anyways- was not a good experience. I felt like I was 'ready', but they were not. In that case, of course this wasn't going to work out.

 

I've learned a lot over the years and what I will NOT tolerate. Like, being used. lied to, etc.

I expect respect and for my partner to complement me in my life.

We want to feel we can be ourselves.. and be 'happy'. Not miserable, walking on eggshells, etc. And I think one can tell within a matter of weeks, the vibes their partner is giving... then whether to consider walking from it all.

 

Inner strength for sure.. and knowledge. And yes, we need to tc of ourselves. Respect ourselves. So many need to see this.

 

Yep, ive noticed codependent people are "all or nothing", pushing full speed ahead because they feel good while doing so. for relationships the faster you move the quicker it'll end.. it's a pattern for them. saying i love you super early, rushing to meet family, texting you all day every day it got real tiring to the point we got tired of each other

[nic2fult0]

nobody could've said it better.

[SadSadgirl]

nobody could've said it better.

 

if you need any advice or motivation feel free to message me

[Capricorn3]

if you need any advice or motivation feel free to message me

 

As a new member her PM has not yet been activated. Meantime she is free to receive advice from all members here on ENA.

[Chadz29]

Sounds exactly like my ex. Everything you described right there describes her in a nutshell. I felt special though when she'd tell me Im her world and she cant live without me etc etc etc. When she dumped me she went straight into a new relationship with another guy. But she was talking to him before she dumped me. Im too tired to type the whole story here now but yea she's definitely a codep. She hurt me badly as I did her too...but it was her insecurities that caused so much damage to us. She was like a ticking bomb. No matter what I did, it was inevitable that she was going to leave. And in the end I realized it and gave up. She said I felt safe because I knew she loved me...so she would basically doubt my love for her even when Id go out of my way to give her affection and attention ALL the time. Eventually I was so emotionally drained I didnt know what to do. After suggesting a break from living together for a short while she burst into tears and took it personally. When all I wanted was us to clear our heads and work on our relationship. But ya...thats all over now. NC 34 days already.

[SadSadgirl]

Sounds exactly like my ex. Everything you described right there describes her in a nutshell. I felt special though when she'd tell me Im her world and she cant live without me etc etc etc. When she dumped me she went straight into a new relationship with another guy. But she was talking to him before she dumped me. Im too tired to type the whole story here now but yea she's definitely a codep. She hurt me badly as I did her too...but it was her insecurities that caused so much damage to us. She was like a ticking bomb. No matter what I did, it was inevitable that she was going to leave. And in the end I realized it and gave up. She said I felt safe because I knew she loved me...so she would basically doubt my love for her even when Id go out of my way to give her affection and attention ALL the time. Eventually I was so emotionally drained I didnt know what to do. After suggesting a break from living together for a short while she burst into tears and took it personally. When all I wanted was us to clear our heads and work on our relationship. But ya...thats all over now. NC 34 days already.

 

i'm really sorry you went through this. i'm codependent myself and i wouldn't want to date anyone like me. they've a hard time having happy, sustaining relationships. good luck with your healing

[Jibralta]

what is codependency?

from my experience, codep is basically reliance on someone else for the way you feel or act.

 

how do i know if my partner is codep, or if i am?

there's many ways to find this out but mostly in the beginning of a relationship, people do not have a problem with over expressing their "love" for you. with that being said, they may say things like: "i don't know what i'd do without you", "you're my everything", "everything is better when i'm with you". just things along those lines. another way to tell is if they always rely on you to fix their problems, even if you can't.

 

Hi SadSadGirl,

 

You've made some good points about having a healthy relationship. But I just want to let you know that "Codependency" is not the correct word to use for what you describe here. It sounds counterintuitive, but a Codependent is actually the white knight who does the 'saving,' i.e., the companion of an addict or a mentally ill person.

 

Codependency is relevant to what you are posting about. If you'd like to learn more about it, there is a very good book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I'm sure there are some exerpts of it available online.

[Charles359]

hi everyone! as i look through these forums i notice there are a lot of failing relationships mostly due to over attachment or codependency.

 

what is codependency?

from my experience, codep is basically reliance on someone else for the way you feel or act.

 

how do i know if my partner is codep, or if i am?

there's many ways to find this out but mostly in the beginning of a relationship, people do not have a problem with over expressing their "love" for you. with that being said, they may say things like: "i don't know what i'd do without you", "you're my everything", "everything is better when i'm with you". just things along those lines. another way to tell is if they always rely on you to fix their problems, even if you can't. my ex told me "i know i love you because whatever you feel, i feel too." (incredibly unhealthy behavior).

 

codependent people rely on YOU for their happiness, their sadness, their anger, etc. this is why codeps tend to smother their partner. seeing each other too much, blowing up your phone, rushing too fast. these type of people often overlook the most glaring red flags. they're usually the biggest victims of abusive relationships. a person who is happy with themselves would not tolerate abusive behavior. but usually a codependent does, since they do not want to be alone. codependent people often become attached and catch feelings way too quickly, even if they barely know the person. basically: "I will become attached to the first person that shows interest, they can make me happy and I won't be lonely."

 

the most toxic relationship is one that consists of 2 codependent people. these people have the lowest self esteem, and want to leech off of their partner to feel good about themselves. in relationships like these, think of trying to pour an empty glass of nothing into another empty glass of nothing, in the end you're gonna get nothing and be disappointed. these relationships are bound to fail if the people do not realize what their problem is. often people use their codependent ways to temporarily feel good about themselves, and to be "happy". i am codependent myself (i'm working on it), and i had dated someone who was codependent aswell. no matter what we told each other, deep down inside our self esteem was nonexistent and we were still insecure. we both ran to each other with our problems instead of attempting to fix them. needless to say, our relationship only lasted about 4 months, since his void was no longer being filled by what i gave him (nothing).

 

NO, you cant change someone who is codependent. if you try to help, change, or whatever, they will just depend on you. see how trying to help contradicts that? a codependent person needs to rely on themself before they enter into a relationship. these type of people use relationships to make them feel good, which is why they never last long. or in other cases, these relationships will become stretched out for way too long, because fear of loneliness, or they're scared of what life is life without their partner.

 

if you or your partner is codependent, it's not the end of the world. a healthy relationship moves at a healthy pace, giving each other space and having a life outside of the relationship. you've had a life before that person, so even if things don't work out, appreciate life as a single person and take time to reflect on things you need to work on. happiness with yourself results with happy relationships and friendships?

 

thoughts? suggestions? thanks for reading !

 

thanks for sharing your experience as a codep, this really allow me to relate to how it is with my ex. she was everything that you have described. i was always the one trying to 'manage expectations' as i would get emotionally drained trying to interact with her. she left me recently for another man, and that made me question had i done enough so it wouldnt reach this stage.

 

 

 

 

Sounds exactly like my ex. Everything you described right there describes her in a nutshell. I felt special though when she'd tell me Im her world and she cant live without me etc etc etc. When she dumped me she went straight into a new relationship with another guy. But she was talking to him before she dumped me. Im too tired to type the whole story here now but yea she's definitely a codep. She hurt me badly as I did her too...but it was her insecurities that caused so much damage to us. She was like a ticking bomb. No matter what I did, it was inevitable that she was going to leave. And in the end I realized it and gave up. She said I felt safe because I knew she loved me...so she would basically doubt my love for her even when Id go out of my way to give her affection and attention ALL the time. Eventually I was so emotionally drained I didnt know what to do. After suggesting a break from living together for a short while she burst into tears and took it personally. When all I wanted was us to clear our heads and work on our relationship. But ya...thats all over now. NC 34 days already.

 

sorry to hear that, i am exactly in the same boat as you Chad. i am trying to heal myself, know that we can get through this. i posted my story earlier, you can read through that if you want.

[SadSadgirl]

thanks for sharing your experience as a codep, this really allow me to relate to how it is with my ex. she was everything that you have described. i was always the one trying to 'manage expectations' as i would get emotionally drained trying to interact with her. she left me recently for another man, and that made me question had i done enough so it wouldnt reach this stage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

sorry to hear that, i am exactly in the same boat as you Chad. i am trying to heal myself, know that we can get through this. i posted my story earlier, you can read through that if you want.

 

yes relationships like these are very hard.. and usually end up being very short or are dragged out too long. my ex was an infatuation addict and a codependent, has never been single for more than a month. basically becomes obsessed with the girl he's dating and when the infatuation runs, so does he. it's really sad that some people are like that. But we live and we learn.