Should I send a letter?

[Charliegrey]

I know the instant answer is 'No' but it's coming up to a year now and I feel like as there was no closure that it might help me to move on.

 

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my ex, he was my almost perfect man and the best relationship I've ever had, but it ended suddenly and within a couple of months he was engaged to someone else.

 

He had a rough childhood, no close family and suffered with depression. so I can appreciate having a new partner was probably top of his priority - though at the time it was incredibly hurtful for me to accept that he was able to move on so quickly when what we had was so special.

 

I definitely acted irrationally said some mean things and I'm sure that hurt him, he appears pretty happy now and whilst I miss in incredibly i couldn't ever trust him again.

 

I just don't want to go on in my life carrying hate and regret, it's not in my nature to be mean I always feel bad about it and what to put things right.

His life has been far harder than mine and as far as I know our relationship was only his second (his first wife cheated throughout their relationship) but I think ours was real and meant something to him. I want him to know that, I don't want him to look back on it and think that I wasn't true.

 

Maybe he already knows that....or maybe I just become another evil character in his life (of which there are many) - it's hard to tell?

 

So what do you think?

 

Do I send a nice letter reaffirming our relationship... or do I just leave it?

 

I have no intention of getting back together, but I would like to think some years down the line we might be able to talk again - im not sure why I want that, I think because I've not let that many people get that close to me and I guess he will always have that special place in my heart and thoughts, regardless of how life pans out. I doubt he'll reply, but at least he will know that.

[Keyman]

For a start, you do not gain closure from someone else. Closure is your statement to yourself that this is over and I am moving on.

 

We can all act irrationally at the end of relationships, no-one is perfect. But finding out from him that it is okay, might help, but it wills till come down to you to close it off. Ultimately, he has moved on and is with someone else, and likely doesn't think of you as much as you think of him. To help yourself, try forgiving yourself for how you acted, for the bad words you said.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't send the letter. Try being in is shoes, it would be weird to receive a message from an ex a year later trying to affirm the relationship. Let it go and look to work on yourself and move on. Perhaps try meeting new people, for dating or simply friendship and try to forget about him.

[dakun]

Umm.. nope.. you will expect a response.. either he'll respond or not won't get anything better.. not your feeling too..

[Matt3939]

I'd take what I learned from that relationship accept it and forget it. Any person old enough that has had relationships has hurt somone. I think it's better to just leave it be. It's a year ago not a week.

[Charliegrey]

I'm 37 and friends with my main ex's, not that we talk a lot but there has come a time with them where we've just checked in and had a little chat - there's no feeling there, it's just more of an appreciation that we were once part of each other's lives, and I guess know each other at that deeper level that you only really have with a partner.

When you've been close to someone is it normal to never speak or hear from them again? I find that weirder.... this guy would be the first for me.

 

I feel completely justified in the way I responded to him at the time.... it hurt! But time has past, I can understand better what happened now and I just like to leave things on a better note.

[greta96]

He is engaged to be married to someone else, he has moved on a long time ago. A letter won't make any difference, he is focused on the present and I'm sure he doesn't even think about your relationship any longer (harsh but true). Receiving that kind of letter from you at this point would be, for lack of a better word, weird/awkward.

 

By all means, write that letter if it makes you feel better. But do not send it! Burn it, tear it apart, destroy it in any way you want, just don't send it. Give yourself the closure you need, he is getting married to someone else so the past is just that, the past. Leave it there.

[Wiseman2]

How long were you dating? What were the reasons for the breakup? Did he cheat on you with his now fiance?

 

Write it out, but don't send it. Journal, speak to a therapist, etc to sort things out in your mind. Most of all, breaking up IS closure.

 

Go no contact and delete and block him from all social media and messaging. He's moved on and you need to move forward, not backward.

a year. it ended suddenly and within a couple of months he was engaged to someone else.i couldn't ever trust him again.

[DancingFool]

You need to learn how to forgive yourself and move on. He certainly has, not only that but is actually engaged to someone else. You can rest assured that he has long forgiven, forgotten and moved forward with his life and doesn't think about you anymore. You need to do the same for yourself and that needs to come from within you.

 

Btw, I find it rather ironic how much you pity him, yet he is the one who has moved on, left his baggage behind and found someone else, is engaged and is moving forward with his life, but you are the one who is stuck. Forget him, you need to work on yourself and your personal challenges.

[Andrina]

Besides what the other posters have said, what if his fiancee/new wife happened to read the letter, and it caused great strife in their relationship? I know if I was engaged to someone and an ex sent them an emotionally charged letter, I wouldn't be happy. Don't mess with other people's lives like that. You don't know what kind of damage would ensue.

[Charliegrey]

Thanks for your responses - which are pretty unanimous!

 

I've dated other people since we broke up - I've changed jobs moved house, lost weight got my hair cut ... you know all the stuff you're 'meant' to do, we've had no contact at all, I'm not moping about anymore, I don't feel stuck, but as you pointed out maybe I am.... we never had that final conversation our relationship ended via Facebook messenger - which pretty much sums up this guys level of emotional maturity.

 

I do feel overwhelming pity for him, I'm not sure if he cheated but given that he was engaged so quickly the chances are he probably did, but that doesn't bother me so much now.

I don't think any good will come from his new relationship ... It seems like a snap decision to get engaged, a couple of months in, not thought out, she still has no ring etc... more of a desperate attempt to trap and reach that level of intimacy with someone new as quickly as possible, I find that sad, and for want of a better word 'doomed' but who knows maybe I'm wrong about that too 😁

It's none of my business and it's not my problem, I don't need to know.

 

Thanks for your advise - given that you've all said the same thing and are completely impartial I will expel him from my memory banks and concentrate on my own happiness... I feel as though you've given me permission to do that without feeling guilty about it!

 

Cheers

[RicBoy]

Don't do it.

 

A letter after a year? Seriously it is going to look desperate and give him a nice ego boost to know you are still ruminating on a dead relationship.

Besides he is with someone else which is gonna make your letter look even more desperate.

Nothing you can write or say will change anything and you are gonna just look low value in his eyes.