How to control Emotions or Feelings ?

[coolgirl]

I'm a very sensitive and emotional person which becomes difficult for me to control my emotions towards anyone that comes into my life. That's just me that's just who I am. If I could had control myself I would had. I don't usually open up to anyone once I feel that I feel safe and secure with that person. Now, I am not an open book if that's what your thinking. It takes time with me to have that wall being brought down that's when I let my guards down and slowly tell anyone that comes into my life that who I am and what I'm about and my personality traits and everything else, that is when I become var unable. If I could had changed that about myself I would had. Once I'm getting to know someone and they gain my trust and I gain their trust that's when I go into my comfort zone and that's when I get too attached which becomes 3 times harder for me to let go of. Every time that I do end up this way at the end either I get walked away from or being abandoned by the person I though I trusted. I mean this happens with a lot of people I met whether available people or unavailable people. Believe me that's not what I want. If I could control my feelings I could and would had trust me then I wouldn't be in this position in the first place. Once you start having feelings for someone can it and will it go away ? How do you shut-off your feelings ? Is it possible ? Even if its in a non-romantic way. At the end I end up getting hurt or paying for the consequences at the end. Yall have no idea how many times I've been through this down this road before. how do you protect yourself and how do you let go without getting hurt ? Is it possible ? No one in general but I like to know for my information purpose. Thanks !

[Raggie]

Hi Coolgirl.

 

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering.

 

It's such a big question and different approaches work for different people. The following is what I try to do...

 

In short, the only sure thing to lessen feelings, is time. However, I think we can take actions to make us more mindful of our emotions and how they impact our relationships.

 

I try to look at people in this way; people come in and out of your life for a reason. Some to teach us a lesson, some to make us laugh, some as a warning(!)... we have no control over their choices, but we make the best if the time we have. I'm actually just going through an end of a relationship with someone I was starting to fall in love with. He taught me how to take life less seriously and be more spontaneous. And he, in return, was actually lucky to have got the care he received from me; but we made different choices about 'us'. Sure, it stings, but I can either dwell on the why's, or just be grateful for the experience. It's hard work, but it can be done.

 

The second technique, is that being authentic and vulnerable is risky. But risks pay off. (By vulnerable, I don't mean dramatic life stories or professing deep seated fears straight away). Holding back may make any revelations later feel more significant. It's more about gradual peeling back layers, for both parties.

 

Thirdly, be curious... really curious. People give signs away all the time. I'm by no means perfect at this, but I am getting better at sorting the flakes from the rest. Things like their ability to talk about 'deeper' stuff, their relationships with friends and family, god, even how they plan their time. All give clues.

 

Finally, if people do let me down, I force myself to think about those that don't: The time my male friend bought me toothbrush and undies into hospital because noone else was round. My mate who has a curry for every crisis. My dad who just stands by me no matter what.

 

Accompany my waffle with exercise and interests, and I'm finally getting there.

 

Take care

[Hell_On_Heels]

Hi Coolgirl. In your post, you repeatedly said that "it's just who I am" and "I can't control it". For that to be true, you'd have to be comprised of emotions and nothing else. Since you have a head with thoughts, a gut with instincts, and a body to act on your decisions, you are much more than emotions. It is not "just who you are". It is a part of who you are.

 

Up to this point, you've allowed your emotions to make decisions for you, to rule you. That's not how we were designed to function. None of us function perfectly, and many of us focus on balancing the head, the heart, and the gut. Sometimes we find perfect balance, and other times we have to work at it. That's ok - that's part of being human.

 

The next time you are feeling strong emotions, sit down by yourself, and just feel them. Don't fight. If you're sad, simply recognize, "Wow. I'm sad." Cry if you feel like it. Do not think of reasons to be sad. Don't fuel it. Simply let the emotion work its way through, and then let it go. Don't make any decisions at all while you're feeling sad.

 

It really will work its way through quickly if you allow it. Afterwards, do something nice for yourself, like a cup of hot tea, a walk, a hot bath, a comedy on tv.

 

Make decisions and take actions that are a balance between your thoughts, your emotions, and your instincts.

 

Up until now, you've decided to let your emotions run free and let them do what they want. You know this doesn't bring happiness to those around you. Instead of balancing your emotions, you've taken the route of warning people that this is who you are. Warning them does not absolve you of responsibility over your own emotions. Sooner or later, those who love you can't handle their emotions AND yours. They have to leave, or be consumed by you.

 

I'm not trying to be hurtful or judgmental here. The work is yours to do. It's hard. And it's the only way you'll create happiness for yourself with balanced, healthy relationships.

[gebaird]

I wonder if you are an empath, more sensitive than most to the emotions of others. There's a quiz you can take to find out:

 

If you are an empath, there are a lot of resources and materials available that could help you understand why you react the way you do in relationships.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, coolgirl. I hope you can learn how to understand and change this cycle.

[Seraphim]

Sounds like an empathic person to me . I am a deeply empathic person so what times I need to be completely without people . Absolutely without people without any noise . It is the only way to keep the constant barrage from totally overwhelming . We think it is our emotions but really is the noise of everybody else's.

 

Maybe that is your issue as well.

[reinventmyself]

I think you place a lot of focus on finding someone you can trust. Only then do you feel safe to be yourself.

You should be using all that effort you use to finding someone you can trust into - learning to trust yourself

 

The way you are going about it is backwards.

 

When you trust yourself you feel safe to open up and be yourself with the fear of judgment by others.

 

You trust yourself to navigate relationships, to read people, to know when to stay, when to say no and when to leave. The world becomes a safer place.

You do that by being on your own, developing a self, going to therapy if needed.

[coolgirl]

Trusting someone is something that I've always had a difficulty with I don't trust easily anymore. Not anymore I don't. I thought I did find someone that I could trust but I was wrong. not anymore I won't. I did trust myself enough to open up to this person I knew but I wish I hadn't. It was my mistake. I was too open with this person I knew and I was myself with this person I thought I knew but I don't anymore. Other than that I wouldn't end up suffering and hurtling like the way I am now. It feels like crap. I don't know when my level of comfort hit. When I started experiencing these feeling in March my feelings weren't that intense to begin with but something feel off to me I don't want what I was feeling. But I got attached really hard. So I would had rather go through this pain and agony and torture now and give than to drag it anymore. The hardest part is letting go of this great person I though I could had been myself with. This is literally torture. I had to go to the doctors office for my results of my blood work and I just literally started tearing up. And I can't stop. This I did not deserve to go through after having to go through so many other struggles in other parts of area of my life. I'm starting therapy tomorrow. I swear I don't know how much disappointments I can take in life anymore.

 

 

 

I think you place a lot of focus on finding someone you can trust. Only then do you feel safe to be yourself.

You should be using all that effort you use to finding someone you can trust into - learning to trust yourself

 

The way you are going about it is backwards.

 

When you trust yourself you feel safe to open up and be yourself with the fear of judgment by others.

 

You trust yourself to navigate relationships, to read people, to know when to stay, when to say no and when to leave. The world becomes a safer place.

You do that by being on your own, developing a self, going to therapy if needed.

[coolgirl]

Yea, maybe so. I think not being around anyone or not letting anyone in my life anymore is what I completely need. Believe me when I tell you I had too much nonsense drama in my life. I can't deal with it, I don't want to go through the hurdle, it causes me so much pain at the end. I think I'm getting to a point in life is where I'm done dealing with nonsense childish games.

 

 

Sounds like an empathic person to me . I am a deeply empathic person so what times I need to be completely without people . Absolutely without people without any noise . It is the only way to keep the constant barrage from totally overwhelming . We think it is our emotions but really is the noise of everybody else's.

 

Maybe that is your issue as well.

[Seraphim]

Yea, maybe so. I think not being around anyone or not letting anyone in my life anymore is what I completely need. Believe me when I tell you I had too much nonsense drama in my life. I can't deal with it, I don't want to go through the hurdle, it causes me so much pain at the end. I think I'm getting to a point in life is where I'm done dealing with nonsense childish games.

 

It is not about that. But I can " hear" people's emotions. It is not about not wanting to be with people but to recover from hearing too much emotional noise . I can hear and feel people's energies and emotions like a barrage .

 

I think maybe more you're referring to lack of boundaries ?

[coolgirl]

Sorry, I misunderstood !

 

 

It is not about that. But I can " hear" people's emotions. It is not about not wanting to be with people but to recover from hearing too much emotional noise . I can hear and feel people's energies and emotions like a barrage .

 

I think maybe more you're referring to lack of boundaries ?

[coolgirl]

You have reached 57 of 100 points, (57%)

If you got 60 points or above, you are an Empath.

If you received a score below 60 points, you’re not an Empath.

Note: It’s normal to receive a score within the 40 – 60 range, as most people experience some level of emotional sensitivity in their daily lives.

 

I don't know what any of this mean's and I don't want to know !

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder if you are an empath, more sensitive than most to the emotions of others. There's a quiz you can take to find out:

 

If you are an empath, there are a lot of resources and materials available that could help you understand why you react the way you do in relationships.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, coolgirl. I hope you can learn how to understand and change this cycle.

[RainyCoast]

sweety. i think it's just emotional starvation. when we have a huge deficit of fulfilling emotional connections, that's not natural for humans to live deprived like that, and one is driven to make up for the deficit by placing all bets on the new chance at interpersonal fulfillment. that's frequently impossible, turbulent, disappointing, exhausting.

 

with practice, it gets easier to stop in your tracks. and to forgive yourself and others for not being able to make that deficit right. sometimes we become defensive and reject any and all human ties to protect ourselves from disappointment, but as you have needs met little by little your expectations of relationships will also change, you will attach and detach more flexibly and so you won't feel quite so devastated when things don't work out.

 

the starvation lessens gradually as you build more connections which all fulfill your needs to some extent (i know that isn't an attractive option for you right now, but you can continue to keep the forum as your trusty circle to prevent total isolation),

 

and, thankfully,

 

by learning to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

 

in the meantime, you don't have to shut off your feelings. but when you start to feel strangely excited when someone meets your emotional needs, and strangely sad when they don't, you can sit with it and observe, and slowly, you will be able to put your finger on what it was. i needed companionship, i needed to believe i can be worthy, exciting to someone, i needed to experience myself through someone else's reactions to finally get a positive idea of myself, i needed to belong etc. it is helpful that therapy is starting because you'll then be able to present with these needs in therapy and ask suggestions to meet them so that the emotional value of other people changes for you, and you can enter relationships without the constant fear of ending up deprived. then it's easier to both get attached and detach without feeling like it's out of your control.

 

trauma creates a deficit in the person's memory of safe, secure, fulfilling attachment. when people are disappointment, they can withdraw from memory proof that interpersonal bonds are not scary and that they as people aren't unworthy or incapable of interpersonal fulfillment. that allows them to take fluctuations in interpersonal relationships as passing, fixable, it allows them to believe they can and will get positive experiences, sooner or later. a consistently traumatized person can't. they go to retrieve the proof from the filing cabinets and folders of their mind and all they find is abuse, neglect, abandonment, death, threats, being alone when scared, being criticized when feeling already inadequate, impatience when they're feeling unwell, short unyielding demands where support and empowerment should be. these are their internal objects. then they crash in despair when, despite searching frantically, they were able to retrieve not one piece of memory that says they've got the hang of this relationship thing and can draw some actual joy from it. then comes the "maybe i'm not even meant to have friends" thought as they sit in their pile of proof upon proof that attachment sucks ballz.

 

the blessing in disguise is that when this leaves them disillusioned with others, and too "malnourished" to keep going like this, they start to create the "proof" of kindness and reliability and worth and warmth and doing kind things for themselves, and eventually daring to reach out to others in small, measured steps easy to retract if needed. the attic of "nightmare files and folders" starts to change.

 

how are you feeling? have you seen the therapist yet? i probably asked already, is it a new one or same one as before?

 

you do sound way more collected lately you know. i sense a hint of "it's so inhumanely hard, but i'll do it" too.

[Batya33]

Pausing, breathing, counting are all very helpful and simple ways not to act on strong emotions inappropriately. I do that with my young child regularly who because he is young and my child can trigger strong frustration/disappointment in me when he doesn't listen/acts out, etc. But I want him to grow up in an environment as even-keeled as possible. So I try to use fewer words (because if you're frustrated it's hard to control tone so the fewer word the better) and I use an even tone that expresses what I want him to do without conveying the frustration that it's the second, third, etc time I've had to ask. So I might say "chair" even-toned because he still hasn't gone to the breakfast table despite being told several times. He responds to me much better and we are much closer than if I vented and raised my voice and said "get to your chair NOW" which is how I feel inside. When I say "closer" I don't mean it means he thinks I'm easy on him -I mean he respects me more, and we are closer, because he doesn't see me lose my cool when I'm frustrated/annoyed.

 

You don't need to share all your myriad of emotions with those around you - feelings change constantly and it might be because you are hangry/tired/distracted and it's not the other person's fault. When you are calm and centered you can decide if it's worth it to tell the person how it made you feel when the person did ___. But often doing that in the moment is stressful for everyone and counterproductive.

 

Same thing with choosing not to get too attached -you choose how to react to your feelings. I was feeling needy the last few days- tired, very busy at work, husband away. I felt like texting various friends and getting sympathy/support but first I thought about each friend, what her situation was that day, when we spoke last and whether it was worth it to ask for support given her situation. Stop, pause, think (and even better drink a glass of cold water while doing that) - and be other-centered. And also remind yourself that reaching out might not be healthful for you long term just like the instant gratification you get from eating junk food, etc.