annou Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 I have been in a relationship for 4 months, so far everything has been great, the only problem we have is that I can't find my self to trust him. He is not very open with his emotions where i am a very emotional person which is the point i think my problem stems from. He never cheated on a girl before, but I cant help but be afraid that when he does out with his friends he will meet or like some other girl and leave me. I would not like him to this "oh darn, im in a relationship"... also, another thing is that with one of his ex gfs he used to hook up from time to time after they broke up, which i am really scared of happening. The thing is, he goes almost every weekend to visit his family and work to another town where he was born, and thats where his ex is from. They still say happy bday to each other since their bdays are few days apart, so i would assume that they can still get in touch. I am really scared of putting an unnecessary pressure on this relationship which is really great in all other aspects, but i just keep running in circles and find my self up thinking each night he goes out with his friends, goes back home or goes out in his hometown. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 Were you ever cheated on? Where is this angst and suspicion coming from? After only 4 mos of dating you should be enjoying the infatuation, not wringing your hands that he's going back to an ex or picking up women in clubs. Is he affectionate and attentive? Do you go on dates a lot? So you never see him weekends? Are you at uni, is that why he goes back to his hometown weekends? I can't find my self to trust him. I cant help but be afraid that when he does out with his friends he will meet or like some other girl. he goes almost every weekend to visit his family and work thats where his ex is from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raggie Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 This is not something that is easy to resolve, as it either involves you working on yourself to diffuse insecurities or him changing. People that are not 'emotional' or more reserved tend (and I am generalising) to struggle to notice and reassure the emotional needs of others. Or at least to do it in a way that resonates. Their way of processing is just so different! Apart from changing his plans, are you able to tell him what actions he could do to help the situation? Remember 4 months is still quite early - it should be fun!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rezie Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 You just need to learn to trust him. With this type of thoughts you will sabotage the relationship. Everyone is not open abput feeligs. Especially sincw you are a new couple. Maybe you should talk to someone about your trust and low self esteem issues? Have you been cheated on before? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaggerJim Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 You just have to trust him. That's all you can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annou Posted April 1, 2017 Author Share Posted April 1, 2017 I was cheated on in a previous relationship. It was a big love on my part, but he ended up going back to his previous gf and breaking up with me without even looking me straight in the eye and being honest. He is giving and affectionate when we are together, where he is more of a shower and i am a teller when it comes to love. I am getting used to him but it can really be tough for me to not question it from time to time. He is at university in the city where I live, so that is why he is going home (almost) every weekend to help out his family with their farming business, but that is not every single weekend that he leaves, but we never went out togeather on a weekend because I used to work up until this Friday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt3939 Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 This is a new relationship you have to go into it as such. It's really sad when a past relationship ruins a new one. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydanger Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 You could tell him, "if you ever cheat on me, I'll tear your balls off" , but I wouldn't recommend it. I think you are being a little paranoid and stressing yourself out for no reason. Stop with the 'what if ' thinking, as it will drive you mad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Don't bring your past into your future. This guy didn't cheat on you so being chronically worried will only undermine your own happiness.I was cheated on in a previous relationship. He is at university in the city where I live, so that is why he is going home (almost) every weekend to help out his family with their farming business Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsbannapple Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Been through this exactly. You have been cheated on before so of course this is going to be a worry of yours. Does he know you have been cheated on? I know you said he isn't very emotional and doesn't open up a lot (my boyfriend is the same way and it bothers me too because I am the opposite of that.) Just express your feelings the best you can and tell him how you just have this fear because of the past relationship you were in and tell how mow much you care for him and never want to lose him. Don't say anything thay will make him feel you are accusing him of anything though. "I'm afraid you will cheat on me" etc. That might make him feel a negative way. Try and word it a bit differently. All you can do is try your best to trust him. I understand it is so hard and makes you so anxious. You just have to push through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShatteredMan Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 Agree with Matt and Wiseman: Give the guy the benefit of trust until you see signs of behaviors that are unbecoming of him. He's not the guy who cheated on you and you should give him the respect that you would (yourself) expect from him in terms of trust and honesty. Its hard having been through what you've experienced. I would suggest that learning to trust men again is a form of growth and moving on past the treachery and deceit that has hurt you. However, I have to ask: How long has it been since you were in that past relationship? Did you have (or is this) a "rebound" relationship? Do you feel that you've "healed" and can move forward with a relationship with an open heart and mind? If you can't resolve the answers to these questions, you should (in good conscience) talk to this guy and decide whether or not you can move forward. Personally, when I see signs that someone is hurting (as I was for a long time), I shut down the relationship as soon as possible. It isn't fair to someone in a romantic relationship to make them "fix" you and your issues. That's what professional therapists are for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annou Posted April 4, 2017 Author Share Posted April 4, 2017 Thank you all so much for your replies! I am fully aware of the fact that my previous relationship is influencing this one, and i do know it is bad, but i do not know how to stop bad images from coming to my mind! I get really anxious when things like that happen and I just keep imagining all the possible events and cant find a way to fall asleep. I do not know how to fight this, cause I know I overthink stuff and I hate it soooo much, and i know it is influencing us, but i just dont know how to stop being anxious when I have no idea where he is or what he is doing. Please, do not think that I am a psycho gf,even if what i am saying might sound like that. I do not want to be controlling i just hate the feeling of "not knowing" and am really scared of it... For example right now, as I am writing this I have no idea where he is or what he is doing.. We spoke like 6 hours ago, and he was hanging out with his friends , after that i called multiple times, and didn't get an answer for a few hours, after that he called me once but i was in the shower and didnt hear my phone... 20 mins after I called, and no answer ever since even tho i called few hours after again... So right now, i just keep thinking where the hell he is, why the hell is he not picking up, will he lie to me tomorrow and what will the explanation be, i dont know, probably even though it is nothing i will not believe him in the first place no matter what he says... I dont know if all of this that i am writing is stupid, but i will give you an update tomorrow, but i still hope to get your replies cause I my head is really messing with me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annou Posted April 4, 2017 Author Share Posted April 4, 2017 Agree with Matt and Wiseman: Give the guy the benefit of trust until you see signs of behaviors that are unbecoming of him. He's not the guy who cheated on you and you should give him the respect that you would (yourself) expect from him in terms of trust and honesty. Its hard having been through what you've experienced. I would suggest that learning to trust men again is a form of growth and moving on past the treachery and deceit that has hurt you. However, I have to ask: How long has it been since you were in that past relationship? Did you have (or is this) a "rebound" relationship? Do you feel that you've "healed" and can move forward with a relationship with an open heart and mind? If you can't resolve the answers to these questions, you should (in good conscience) talk to this guy and decide whether or not you can move forward. Personally, when I see signs that someone is hurting (as I was for a long time), I shut down the relationship as soon as possible. It isn't fair to someone in a romantic relationship to make them "fix" you and your issues. That's what professional therapists are for. Thank you for your reply, And yes I am fully over that guy, it has been a year and a half since that relationship ended, and i am exactly scared of the things you have listed, but my anxiety is what is killing me when things happen... I dont want him to run away and I am really doing my best trying to solve everything myself cause I know this one is on me, but it is so hard and i dont know what else to do since time didnt really heal me in form of trusting again.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShatteredMan Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 and i dont know what else to do since time didnt really heal me in form of trusting again..Professional therapy may be a big help. It will help you "move the needle" on moving through your fear-based control issues and the anxiety that is a byproduct of them. It was for me and others out here as well. There's no shame in admitting you need help and then getting it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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