skylermayy Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 My boyfriend and I have had a very rocky relationship from the beginning. I know - that's not a good sign. We have been together about 1.5yrs. When we started dating he had extreme jealousy/insecurity problems and took it out on me. He was cheated on very badly (twice) in past relationship. He was very suspicious, worrisome, and untrustworthy. I told him I had enough and he actually cut the behavior. I don't feel like getting too much into detail, but I feel that he is very negative, unsecured, and can be controlling at times. There are also tons of great qualities about him. I broke up with him and he is BEGGING me for another chance. He is seeing a counselor, getting back into church/prayer, working out again, and trying to be happier. He even had a long conversation with his mom about his feelings - something he has never done before. He is not good at opening up. I love him dearly, but I have been left feeling unhappy in this relationship. I want him to work on himself, because I know he is a good man. He comes from a good family and we share similar values. Is it worth it to give him another chance? We are taking a break from talking for about 50 days. Then we will discuss what we are doing in the future. We are long distance right now, but i was moving back to the city he lives in. So I decided when I move home (50 days) we can talk Link to comment
you wish18 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 I'm going to tell you some wise advice I have gotten and learned the hard way A leopard doesn't change his spots. Once a cheater always a cheater. Sounds like he may have been cheating on you by his jealous actions. The guilty is the accuser too when it comes to cheating. I may even wonder if he's even being honest about his ex.? It is possible he was the cheater in that relationship too? It isn't like a cheater would ever if in rareness openly admit to being a cheater himself. I wouldn't waste my time. 50 days sounds like you've been doing better without him anyway. Link to comment
skylermayy Posted March 31, 2017 Author Share Posted March 31, 2017 I'm going to tell you some wise advice I have gotten and learned the hard way A leopard doesn't change his spots. Once a cheater always a cheater. Sounds like he may have been cheating on you by his jealous actions. The guilty is the accuser too when it comes to cheating. I may even wonder if he's even being honest about his ex.? It is possible he was the cheater in that relationship too? It isn't like a cheater would ever if in rareness openly admit to being a cheater himself. I wouldn't waste my time. 50 days sounds like you've been doing better without him anyway. He definitely has never cheated on me. That's for sure. And I also know for sure that he was cheated on in his last relationship. She slept with a random person two nights in a row when they were arguing. I do know these two things to be true Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 People can change if they have the desire and commitment to do so. And if they do so for the right reasons. But change is slow and never complete. You may likely get a different version of the same man with some possible ongoing improvements. At the same time there is a very good risk of getting back into the same bad situation after being lulled into it, because they know exactly what you don't like and are able to keep it hidden for a period of time before it jumps back out at you. I wish I had a great answer for you. I've had both experiences. Returning to the same relationship only to break up of the same exact reasons only weeks or months later. I have currently reconciled with someone who had some trust issues that he took out on me. We broke up over it and didn't speak for 4 months. We've been back together now for 4 months and I honestly see his improvements and constant efforts. I think the trust issues still remain for him and likely always will. But the difference now is he recognizes that they are his issues to deal with and is able to refrain from bringing them to light and taking them out on me. He is able to sort them out on his own, take in information and self soothe. It's not my place to make them better. I didn't create them, I refuse to pay for them. He's been the exception to the rule in my experience. A lot of people in your guys position claim to go the therapy and work on themselves, but they do so for the wrong reasons. He should be committed to going for himself. If by chance you two reconcile, it should be a side benefit of all his hard work. Link to comment
you wish18 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Ok do you that from her? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 THIS IS WHO HE IS! You should have ended this, long ago. Don't waste you time on possibilities, find someone who does not have these issues. Do not ever expect someone to change. He would need years of therapy to get over his insecurities. You should also seek counseling to understand why you were attracted to this dynamic, and stayed. He is not the only one with a problem, here. Move on from this guy. Block and delete! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 He definitely has never cheated on me. That's for sure. And I also know for sure that he was cheated on in his last relationship. She slept with a random person two nights in a row when they were arguing. I do know these two things to be true That's not your fault. Link to comment
you wish18 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 He sounds like he behaves like a guilty party hunny just take your time and make certain he's going to man up for you before you uproot your whole life for him. Best wishes Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Sorry to hear this you were wise to end it. Are you no contact? Sorry but praying, talking to his mother and 'trying to be happier' will not cure controlling, abusive men. And they all 'have a good side'. It sounds like he fits your check list because of your faith and therefore you are hoping he'll change or that this pause will fix him permanently? Also abusers always become contrite and put on a great show of change, even running to church going to therapy, etc.. Use this pause to research controlling and abusive relationships and the red flags and cycles. The cycles are the mirage that there has been "change" but with each cycle you get sucked further down imperceptibly into the quicksandHe was very suspicious, worrisome, and untrustworthy.he is very negative, unsecured, and can be controlling at times. He is seeing a counselor, getting back into church/prayer, working out again, and trying to be happier. He even had a long conversation with his mom about his feelings. I decided when I move home (50 days) we can talk Link to comment
you wish18 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 I agree abusive behavior along with cheating behavior double no no Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 I agree abusive behavior along with cheating behavior double no no If you read the post. . he was cheated on, not the cheater. Link to comment
skylermayy Posted March 31, 2017 Author Share Posted March 31, 2017 I don't think I'd go so far as to call him abusive. Controlling at times - yes, whenever he is stressed. Something that we all do. He does not fit many of the characteristics of an abusive partner. We are no contact. I also have my things to work on, so I'm hoping for the best Link to comment
skylermayy Posted March 31, 2017 Author Share Posted March 31, 2017 Also feel the need to add that I am not afraid to address his controlling behavior to him. He does not verbally abuse me, keep me from friends/family, and control life decisions. He just becomes close minded when we argue and always wants to be right. I think this comes from being in law school . I also am in a doctorate level program. Stress levels high all around + LDR Link to comment
you wish18 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 If you read the post. . he was cheated on, not the cheater. Doesn't mean he isn't the cheater. Cheating men lie and are really good at manipulating the truth. If he feels that jealous he's guilty of something. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Stress levels high all around + LDR You mentioned his faults due to stress previously Stress doesn't make someone controlling or fight to be right. It's who he is. Stress or no stress. He's likely not at his best when he's under stress and you get to see the real him. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Doesn't mean he isn't the cheater. Cheating men lie and are really good at manipulating the truth. If he feels that jealous he's guilty of something. but that hasn't been established in her story. we appreciate your theory tho. Link to comment
you wish18 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Never count anything out. Best wishes Link to comment
you wish18 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Never count anything out. Best wishes ] Link to comment
RicBoy Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 People don´t really change, but they certainly can improve. People are like elastics, you can try and stretch them and for a while it seems something is different but eventually you will get back to your original form. Link to comment
skylermayy Posted March 31, 2017 Author Share Posted March 31, 2017 Are people with insecurities and problems just supposed to be alone? Everyone always tells people to run the other direction. It hurts my heart Link to comment
Darthzak Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 Well I can say everything happens for a reason my girlfriend and I broke up and rushed into it again and I didn't change I said I did but I didnt. So as time goes on the past 3 weeks of not having her in my life I'm having fun and going to school and do I want her back yes. But I won't force her back and chase her. I see her at church as I'm in no contact I'm avoiding her. Just walking past talking to other girls and doing my own thing. Go to school, get into a hobby be with friends. Move on be happy if it is meant to be it'll work out. But please think long and hard case 50 days he may of found somebody else. Link to comment
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