Is it normal for a man to feel completely useless after a breakup?

[bbogdanov]

After my girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago I feel as I am not worthy of anything. I feel I can't do anything myself, I rarely go out with friends, I am still living with my parents (I'm 29) and feel stupid about that etc. etc. I have a decent job (I am a master in engineering), I dress well and keep up my appearance (although I am not beautiful by established standards), I take swimming lessons in the weekends and I have a loving and supporting family but still I feel like I am not worthy of being with someone In the meantime I think of my ex-gf like she is the best person in the world. She handles things in life as a mature person (she had lived with a bf for 4 years while in her early 20s), she is a very motivated person (she manages her own business all by herself, she is a florist), she can do any kind of homework, she goes out with friends having fun etc. It's like I compare the two of us now after the breakup and I feel worthless and not good enough for her, is it normal???

[Dahl]

Are you in therapy? I'm concerned that you may be depressed. Have you sought professional intervention?

 

Please know that I do not ask in any sarcastic or other rude manner.

[Wolfshook]

It's normal,I felt this way too for some time after breakup. You should start working on yourself (hobbies,etc) and you will soon notice things will start to change. If it werent for a few friends of mine that pushed me into volunteering, I'd still feel useless.

[jujusamples]

It's normal to feel depressed and down but I'm a little concerned that you are falling into a deeper depression than just the breakup. I suggest you get some counselling on this. When you feel this worthless 3 months post breakup it's a little concerning and a professional could really help you work through this.

 

Besides, you are a Master in Engineering and you feel not good enough for her? Do you not think it's a good accomplishment to have such a good job? I don't think this is a matter of not being good enough, I think this is a compatible issues.

[bbogdanov]

I am in therapy, I see a therapist twice a month. In fact I am taking paroxetine for panic disorder for couple of years now and I've been on and off on SSRIs for almost 15 years (since I was 14-15 years old). So let's say I know what really depression is I am not in that kind of depression now (and I shouldn't be as I am taking meds) but it is still extremely unpleasant feeling, to say the least... I had been OK for almost 3 weeks since I saw my ex for the last time and was in NC but yesterday I suddenly felt sad again and all these kind of things I mentioned in my first post. I felt like I took a step back in my progress and even contacted her... We messaged a little bit and she told me for the millionth time she doesn't love me, everything is gone etc. but it didn't make me any worse. I even felt somehow relieved, just knowing she is "there" and I think it is some kind of emotional dependence now. Honestly, it's hard for me to even imagine what she looked like or what we used to do, but "something" just drives me towards her. Maybe like some kind of a drug addiction. I think I am a valuable person, I have a good education, job, family, friends, but after the breakup knowing that doesn't help me at all. I have lowered myself to the bottom while she in a pedestal in my mind. I am constantly comparing the two of us and think of her as some kind of "flawless" person.

[Angel25]

Well it's quite normal to feel all these things ofcourse we live with the one who seems to be perfect n nice enough

missing is also very normal

bt the thing is why to compare things or people everyone is different in his own way n first of all respect u n think urself as a best one n dont miss the one who left u

n all her perfectness ended when she left u she is nothing for u now why to give someone so much importance specially to the one who didnt give any concern abt u try to overcome these feeling by thinking urself n think only someone have missed the chance to be with you

Love Yourself first n than anyone else

 

Thanks

[RainyCoast]

it's schizoid splitting. your mind portrays her as perfect, and you as worthless. i would ask my therapist to help me come to terms with shades of gray. noone is either black or white. after talking about it for a while, and accepting it intellectually, your emotions will follow. it just takes a while.

 

i agree with dahl it may be worth talking to doc about your antidepressant. whether it's become less efficient for you, need switching, or your dose adjusted slightly.

 

also think about the things you respect her for. they are nice things (managing a business, good worth ethics, motivation, accountability, good social life), but they are not universal criteria for one's worth. a lot of people struggle in these departments, but excel at others, yourself included. perhaps you blame yourself for not embodying the same ideal. there's something to be said of embracing one's unique strengths. and also for the fact that people are shaped differently by their life experience and environment. each walks a unique path, and our personalities are largely socially constructed, so no two people can have the same qualities. review your life, your path, and what made of it- it sounds like you have achieved a lot. you need some personal strength assessment to feel some genuine pride in the way you turned out. especially given the fact you've done it all despite a long history of depression.

 

i think you're being too hard on yourself. it allows your mind to trick you into making you feel like you'll never reach someone's level of perfection despite knowing full well you've a lot to be proud of.

[bbogdanov]

In fact while we were in a relationship I didn't think she was perfect, not at all! She had her flaws, I didn't like some of them but when she left me - all I was seeing was how perfect she was. I "forgot" all the bad things about her (no matter how petty they were) and looked at her like the best person in the world.

[bbogdanov]

it's schizoid splitting. your mind portrays her as perfect, and you as worthless. i would ask my therapist to help me come to terms with shades of gray. noone is either black or white. after talking about it for a while, and accepting it intellectually, your emotions will follow. it just takes a while.

 

i agree with dahl it may be worth talking to doc about your antidepressant. whether it's become less efficient for you, need switching, or your dose adjusted slightly.

 

also think about the things you respect her for. they are nice things (managing a business, good worth ethics, motivation, accountability, good social life), but they are not universal criteria for one's worth. a lot of people struggle in these departments, but excel at others, yourself included. perhaps you blame yourself for embodying the same ideal. there's something to be said of embracing one's unique strengths. and also for the fact that people are shaped differently by their life experience and environment. each walks a unique path, and our personalities are largely socially constructed, so no two people can have the same qualities. review your life, your path, and what made of it- it sounds like you have achieved a lot. you need some personal strength assessment to feel some genuine pride in the way you turned out. especially given the fact you've done it all despite a long history of depression.

 

i think you're being too hard on yourself. it allows your mind to trick you into making you feel like you'll never reach someone's level of perfection despite knowing full well you've a lot to be proud of.

 

Very wise words! (didn't expect other, considering your posts here) I am really comparing the two of us, although I don't know why. I look at her positive qualities like I must have the same ones or otherwise I will not be as "good" as her and nobody would like to be with me. I am depreciating myself continiously after the breakup, especially knowing I had behaved bad in the past - not appreciating her enough, not loving her enough, sometimes even insulting her...

[RainyCoast]

yes, the shift happens after the loss. even for people who have been involved with horrible partners. if you look at the threads on abusive relationships, notice how when faced with the prospect of breaking up, or after the break up, the victim starts to defend the abuser and introject all the abuser's bad qualities. if someone who lived with personified evil can idealize their ex, how much more likely it is for the rest of us to do the same.

 

dahl jokingly asked a while ago what the one line we say so often it could be our signature is. i think mine could easily be "it's schizoid splitting". joke aside, it's something we all do throughout life. it's good because it's a precursor for growth. eventually switching from I'm bad to she's bad and back again gets old and doesn't convince our mind any longer. then we face the fact we're all nothing but fallible, and it's surprisingly liberating. hang in there. you are doing really well, i've followed your break-up posts and you are moving forward in leaps. phases come and go.

 

i can't help noticing you're from bulgaria. my part of europe is considered to have a much better standard and even here it's difficult for people to get a good education, good salary, hold down a respectable job, tend to their mental health. it's, without embellishment, truly impressive that you are doing well in such an economy, and with depression. you do, in fact, have very good discipline, perseverance, accountability and work ethics to not let circumstance and depression keep you down. much better than people who are able to do the same without facing the same obstacles.

[bbogdanov]

Well, thank you again for the kind words! I won't explain my whole story here but as I said - I struggle with depression (which later transformed to a panic disorder) since I've been 14 or 15 yrs old and most of the people don't know and won't experience such a horrible thing like a panic attack (I've even had one for couple of hours, don't know how I survived...). Yet I managed to get a grade in a mathematics high school, diploma of MScEng and get a decent job as an engineer in a Korean-owned company here despite all the "bad" periods of depression and panic disorder throughout the years (I've had taken all types of SSRIs plus several kinds of anxiolytics for these 15 years). The sad part of the story is that my teenage years were shaped by these awful experiences and I've grown up not social enough, spending most of the time at home, not having a girlfriend and not knowing how to deal with women etc. Plus the fact my parents have always pampered me and I was getting most of the things I wanted through my childhood - I became selfish and egoistic to a certain degree. The break up with my girfriend opened my eyes that I cannot and must not be such a monster - I have to be more polite, not insulting people, I have to be more mature, I must accept other people's point of views (not be narrow-minded), to respect people and their dreams, I have to be more gentle and romantic to my partner, show more love and appreciation, not taking her for granted etc. etc. The list is long enough for several lives I hope I manage to correct these things in the only one I am given.

[Wiseman2]

Keep working on yourself. What about getting your own place or with some flatmates? Don't compare yourself or worry about her.You weren't a good match.

 

 

Focus on you and being the best man you can for future dating. In fact, get on some dating apps and browse around for who's out there. When ready, start messaging women and meeting up for a low key coffee to get the ball rolling again.

I am still living with my parents (I'm 29) and feel stupid about that etc. etc. I have a decent job (I am a master in engineering), I dress well and keep up my appearance. I take swimming lessons in the weekends

[bbogdanov]

I try to work on myself but I don't know whether I am improving or not. I feel good some days and then something strikes me again and sets me back. As I said I broke NC to be told again that I'm not being loved anymore. And although a person should want to give love, not to expect to be given (ideally), I just can't accept I am not loveable now

[bbogdanov]

I know the progress one makes after a breakup is not linear, I have ups and downs constantly, but is it true for the stages after a breakup too? I am mostly referring to acceptance/denial. There are still some times when I get back to denial stage and I refuse to accept it's over. I start thinking how could this happen to me, how could she turn 180 degrees after loving me so much, how can I "get" her back etc. etc. I feel like I live in some kind of distorted reality, where I still can be with her, where I can still make something to reconcile... I am in mid air between reality and my dreams/hopes of us being together again

[boltnrun]

Do you still think she should want to fix herself up more (clothing, makeup, etc.)?

 

Do you still think she should spend less time on her dream business and spend more time paying attention to you?

[bbogdanov]

No, I don't. I have lowered my expectations about it. But why does that matter?? I've never wanted my partner to pay more attention to "ME". In fact - I just wanted us to be like an "ordinary" couple which have time for THEM. Time, which will bring us even closer, which will make the bond stronger, which will give us more good times and memories, which will enrich our lives with different interesting things - like travelling, going out to different places, having fun playing games etc. etc. Time, which WE couldn't have, not because of ME!

[rmo22]

I've never wanted my partner to pay more attention to "ME".

 

Time, which WE couldn't have, not because of ME!

 

I feel like these two sentences contradict one another. You've never wanted your partner to pay more attention to you, but then in the same breath you show obvious signs of resentment for her not paying enough attention to you.

 

Why not find someone who you don't feel like you're "lowering your expectations for," ya know?

[RainyCoast]

yeah the stages are not linear. you go back and forth between them a lot. also regressing to denial. it's a way to titrate reality to yourself in small doses when you find you can't accept it fully yet without feeling like crap.

 

i once did it intentionally. i had immense trouble accepting a sudden break up, even though i knew it was permanent and for the best. i put his things in a box and placed it away, i couldn't throw it away just yet. after a week i decided to put his things back where they were to create the illusion that he isn't completely gone. i knew i was creating an illusion. i didn't expect him back. i just...wanted to soften the blow for myself and told myself i don't have to throw anything away before i'm ready. after two weeks i threw most of the stuff out. after another four weeks i was a new person. of course, i did work on bouncing back. but i think accepting my need for partial denial rather than pushing myself to get over it was helpful, allowing me to detach at a survivable pace.

[boltnrun]

No, I don't. I have lowered my expectations about it. But why does that matter?? I've never wanted my partner to pay more attention to "ME". In fact - I just wanted us to be like an "ordinary" couple which have time for THEM. Time, which will bring us even closer, which will make the bond stronger, which will give us more good times and memories, which will enrich our lives with different interesting things - like travelling, going out to different places, having fun playing games etc. etc. Time, which WE couldn't have, not because of ME!

 

So you still want to dictate what she "should" do. You still expect her to give up her dream for you.

 

And that is precisely why this relationship didn't work.

[bbogdanov]

I feel like these two sentences contradict one another. You've never wanted your partner to pay more attention to you, but then in the same breath you show obvious signs of resentment for her not paying enough attention to you.

 

Why not find someone who you don't feel like you're "lowering your expectations for," ya know?

 

Why do they contradict one another? I said I didn't want her to pay attention to ME - having more time would be beneficial for BOTH of us, for OUR relationship. I think there should be some minimum amount of time two people spend together so they can have a healthy relationship. Several hours a week just doesn't work I think, there is no physical/emotional connection. This is not some kind of "virtual" relationship in facebook or skype... Both people in a relationship should have their lives, of course, but we were in the opposite end - we had TOO much our "own" lives, there was just not enough time to share together.

[bbogdanov]

So you still want to dictate what she "should" do. You still expect her to give up her dream for you.

 

And that is precisely why this relationship didn't work.

 

Yeah, this relationship didn't work because of her choosing a career over me!

[JoyfulCompany]

Yeah, this relationship didn't work because of her choosing a career over me!

 

Nope, not exactly...

 

Our relationship was not the best as we were often fighting about her appearance and job, which I didn't like much. I have make her angry/sad a lot of times during these fights and sometimes I was even rude to her (verbally). She did love me with all her heart but I was always somehow distant and not giving her the love and attention she needed. I did not kiss/hug her often, did not encourage her in her development, didn't care about seeing each other more often (we were together 2-3 times a week at most)... In a few words - she was constantly fighting for our relationship to grow up (she wanted to live together, to have a family, kids, etc.) and was compromising many times, while I was somewhat detached, selfish, lazy. I took her for granted and didn't do anything to keep the relationship alive, to nourish it, to accept her for what she is.

 

I'm pointing that out because I think it's time for you to dump your victim mentality. It'll keep you hooked for longer.

 

It was what it was - you had to learn some lessons, she had to learn some lessons. Stop going back and forth in who you blame for the breakup. It doesn't matter anymore, it's over. Get responsible for your part and try to change the things you saw in yourself and didn't like.

 

I think you should dig deeper. Two provocative sentences were enough for you to change from this:

 

especially knowing I had behaved bad in the past - not appreciating her enough, not loving her enough, sometimes even insulting her...

 

to this:

 

Yeah, this relationship didn't work because of her choosing a career over me!

 

If I were you, I would talk about that with my therapist. If we're not sincere to ourselves (also in therapy, since it's a personal process) we're going against our own growth. Some aspects of the self are very gruesome and it hurts to face them but it's worth it.

 

Why don't you try going to therapy every week until you feel a bit better? I sense you still have a lot to vent and maybe twice a month is not enough.

[bbogdanov]

I am not a victim but everybody "sees" it from his own perspective. Of course we both share responsibility for the failure and as I've said - I am much more guilty. There are some moments when I get angry, frustrated and so on... So I allow myself to blame her for the failure more, I think it helps me a little bit. I