I ended it with this guy - too harsh?

[Lotusavx]

If you have read my other threads, this guy asked me to be his girlfriend after the second date, so we have been in a relationship (although I wouldn't count this as one) for about 3 weeks. Anyways, the past week he kept cancelling/changing plans and acting distant and it just got really annoying. I asked him if he was interested and he told me he was. He told me that he was "worried I wasn't interested and was really busy with work and health problems" so that's why he couldn't hangout much.

 

We had plans last night and again, he broke them, but called me and promised me that because he had a completely free day today, we would have the whole day together to make up for all the missed hangouts/dates and he seemed pretty reassuring and excited about our day together. He told me to text him when I wake up and we will get together. I texted him this morning, asked what time we would be getting together, and he told me he wouldn't be able to get together until "much later"... I don't know if I was too harsh - but I told him I was done, that it seems like you don't want to see me and I asked him why he wanted to be in a relationship if he is so busy. I told him I am done waiting around for him to keep changing plans. I was so frustrated and it has happened far too much. He swears he liked me and was interested but didn't show it at all.

 

He didn't respond until much later with the busy excuse again and that he was sorry. He didn't seem to care that I ended it, because he didn't try to change my mind or anything. I just stopped texting him and deleted his number.

What is bothering me is that I'll never know exactly what his motives were, if he was stringing me along and playing me, wanting a "relationship" but not put in the effort, or was really actually busy.

I am kind of disappointed but I was tired of waiting on him only to have plans cancelled, but I know I deserve someone who wants to see me as much as I want to see them.

[boltnrun]

Doesn't matter "why".

 

All that matters is that he never seemed to make seeing you a priority.

 

Onward and upward!

[notalady]

Doesn't matter "why".

 

All that matters is that he never seemed to make seeing you a priority.

 

Onward and upward!

 

Indeed.

 

Seems to me like the immediate request to be exclusive was just to lock you down, so that you limit your choices and aren't being open to dating opportunities while he can safely assess whether you're a good fit, without the competition.

 

Clearly he decided, for whatever reason, that you're not a good fit, so he starts pulling the "I'm busy" line.

 

Next time someone asks you to be exclusive so soon, politely tell them that you'd like to get to know them better first.

[milly007]

You did the right thing. No one has time for that.

[limichelle]

Never not be someone's priority I always say. You did good, now you can move forward and find someone not so flaky.

[BlarneyStone]

Too harsh for who? I was expecting the guy to react badly when you ended it, but you said he didn't seem to care. Sounds like you're more upset about the whole thing than he is.

[wall]

Sounds like he has another girl. I can't think of another good reason to break plans so many times and then be unaffected by you ending it. I think he's in a relationship with someone else. Good job on ending it. I think if you want to know the right thing to do, ask yourself what would you do if you were the most beautiful, loving, and most desirable woman in this world, what would you do? Would you put up with that? Of course not, we only allow people to treat us with the same respect that we think we deserve. Act as though you are the prize. No confusion now.

[ParisPaulette]

No, you weren't harsh. Why do you think it's harsh to tell someone who continually stands you up and just wants you to sit on a shelf waiting for him, goodbye. How is that harsh? Harsh is you dump a vat of glitter and glue all over their car or send a nasty email to their workplace. You know, the things that can and probably should get you arrested. That's harsh. (And also a bit nuts, and not a good place to go, ever.)

 

A simple, I'm done being stood up by you is not harsh. Maybe time to examine why you would feel like that. He was either hoping to get laid, quickly, and then when that didn't happen he put you on the back burner or he just doesn't want to share, is multiple dating, and finds it easier to maintain a pool of ladies to pick and choose from if they all think they're exclusive. Or he just lost interest and is too embarrassed to say it. "Look, I thought you were great, but then I don't know, I thought about the way you laugh and I don't like it, or I woke up this morning and I was just not feeling it like I did last week."

 

That does happen in dating. Plus a rush to commit after two dates? Nooooo, that's a major red flag right there. And total madness since you don't know the person, so bottom line you got to know the person a bit more. And he turned out to be a total rude dog who thinks it's acceptable to waste other people's time and stand them up.

 

Trying to turn someone like that into a loving, trustworthy partner is a bit like trying to turn your tap water in a fine wine. It's just not gonna happen no matter how much you try and convince yourself it could.

 

Bottom line, stop making excuses. I know you want this not to be what it was, but it's right there in front of you. People who want to see you, see you and pretty much over any excuses. I'm busy is not a reason, it's an excuse of the "I don't want to tell you the real reason I am standing you up."

 

A better question is why are you being so harsh on yourself? No one would willingly sign up for that kind of treatment. No one.

[Wiseman2]

Good call. He's been jerking you around too much. Better to cut your losses than hear a litany of lame excuses.