dino7994 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I guess at this point I'm trying to figure out how someone else's mind works. Which, obviously none of us can do, but I'm looking for clarity and insight that can shut my brain up. Ex and I broke up about a year ago (March 2016) after a 4 year relationship due to strains of distance (I'm at school in another state). It was hard on us both, as we both still loved each other a lot. Fell out of contact, save for happy birthday exchanges in August, until he contacted me in October and again in November. Neither were particularly long conversations. Sent a snapchat to him when I was home for winter break. This winded up in a long conversation spanning over a week, and an eventual meet-up that turned into a date. We went rock climbing, had dinner, went back to his place, watched netflix, and were intimate. It was just like we were back in a relationship. This confused us both. We went back and forth about what to do for a bit. Meeting up again in January, and going through periods of talking and not talking and trying to figure things out. It was confusing as one day he would be telling me I'm beautiful, talking about being excited to see me every day when I'm home, wanting to come visit me, etc. To talking about how we should just be friends until I move home in May since he doesn't want to jump into distance again, we went through a lot together and he isn't quite ready, and that he feels he should get experience dating others (I assume since I was his first serious relationship). Anyway, it was a lot of back and forth leading to us ultimately deciding we shouldn't talk until I'm home in May and able to have a non-distance relationship. He admitted that he will always have feelings for me and always has. He also said "I mean, I don't have the control I'd like and I need to get to another place personally before I'm ready to go back to anything with us. I don't think I'll ever reach that place if we are talking." Ultimately, I know that he has strong feelings for me and talking to me makes things more difficult. He has openly admitted that it sets back any hope of him attempting to move forward. I also know that he has been open to the idea of finding someone else. Part of me knows that he wants to experience other people so that he can be sure that his and my relationship is "right" and not what is just familiar to him. He hasn't really had experiences other than me. I know that he genuinely still has romantic feelings for me though. It came to my attention that in the past week or so he has been going on dates with a new girl. I'm not really bothered by that fact, as I knew it would happen eventually and I just want him to be happy. Us getting back together was never a sure thing, and we left it as an "if it happens it happens" ordeal. What bothers me is what he may put this new girl through. If just a couple of days ago you were telling your ex that you'll always have feelings for her and saying that there's a chance of getting back together and that you aren't over her...it just seems completely unfair of him to involve another girl while feeling that way. No? It just seems like an eventual recipe for disaster for both of them. If he isn't completely available and ready... I don't know... I guess I'm looking for thoughts on this from outside sources. Thanks for your help in advance! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 He has feelings for you but his desire to date some amorphous number of other women is his real priority. Don't let his nostalgia fool you. He's a short step away from moving on. Link to comment
rich46 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 It came to my attention that in the past week or so he has been going on dates with a new girl. I'm not really bothered by that fact, as I knew it would happen eventually and I just want him to be happy. Us getting back together was never a sure thing, and we left it as an "if it happens it happens" ordeal. What bothers me is what he may put this new girl through. If just a couple of days ago you were telling your ex that you'll always have feelings for her and saying that there's a chance of getting back together and that you aren't over her...it just seems completely unfair of him to involve another girl while feeling that way. No? It just seems like an eventual recipe for disaster for both of them. If he isn't completely available and ready... I don't know... I guess I'm looking for thoughts on this from outside sources Ms Darcy may be right and he is further along the moving on process than you think. Or he may be rebounding. However, it really is nothing to do with you, as harsh as that sounds, and I suggest you worry about yourself from now on rather than his actions. Link to comment
Clio Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 What bothers me is what he may put this new girl through. Nope! That is your mind playing tricks on you. Wanting to "protect" the new girl is just a pretext. You would not posting this if it was a random boy doing this and not your ex. It is part of the denial stage of losing someone. What really bothers you is the lack of congruence between his words and his actions. He says one thing and does another. However, ultimately, he "feels he should get experience dating others" so dating her IS part of his agenda. He DOES want this. However, many people cannot detach altogether after a 4 year relationship until they find someone new. For some, the only way to detach completely from a previous partner is by attaching to another. Your ex may fall into that category. Even worse, there are lots of people who monkey branch, not breaking up properly until they have found someone new. Lucky for you, he did not do that as he did break up with you first. Yet, he did try to keep you around as an emotional safety blanket. You say that you are cool with him dating another girl but in reality, you are not. Your brain is in denial trying to shield you from the hurt of seeing him moving on. You need to stop wasting brain power on him, his life and any random girls he meets/tries to date. You two are broken up. The sad truth is that his love life is none of your concern whatsoever. Staying on as a spectator on his moving on process does not benefit you in any way. In reality, it is hurtful and is keeping YOU stuck. You need to cut all this random information from reaching you so as to focus on your own life and on finding someone new as well. No matter all his sweet talking, the sad truth is that you ARE broken up, he wants to meet other girls and once he finds one he likes better, you may never get back together ever again. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 He is pretty impatient if he can't wait 2.5 months for you. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Sorry to hear this but he did give you the heads up that all he wanted was fwb/casual and that he wanted his freedom to date others. Try not to get strung along with kismet cliches. He's young, inexperienced and wants his freedom. You should enjoy your newfound freedom as well. Whoever he dates is fine and it's up to them to decide what's going on between them. He is most likely telling her he broke up with you and is moving on, same as he told you. All that matters is all he wanted from you was fwb. What they want is up to them. It sounds like you view this as contrary to his sting along lines. Why? Because it is.and were intimate. talking about how we should just be friends. he should get experience dating others. he has been open to the idea of finding someone else. It came to my attention that in the past week or so he has been going on dates with a new girl. Link to comment
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