Help me...Realisations about myself/my ex...

[Cocoapetal]

Ive found enotalone to be an amazing help! thanks in advance for those who read this.

 

A year ago,I broke up with a man that i didn't know at the time that I loved, but I now see that I did.

Normally, with other guys, I have been able to move on.. especially if they have been the one to end things as he did, but the shameful truth is that a year later, I haven't and I feel pathetic about it.

 

I met this guy at a very dark time of my life where I was just hanging by a thread and we had this intensity between us and i clung to it. It felt good to wake up in the morning and see a text from him and know that he found me attractive and that he wanted me around as much as possible. I haven't always been the girl who is popular with guys so I lapped up this attention as much as I could. We worked in the same place ( not an office setting), and eventually started seeing each other. Everyone around us could tell something was going on between us,.. I wanted to keep it discreet, but it was hard to hide our attraction to each other.

 

By all standards, I should not have gotten with him, but I did it mostly because I wanted sex with him, but also because I started to like him and the way I felt around him. He told me he had a kid with another woman and told me the days he saw his kid. The way he presented it, it was an arrangement, but not an ongoing relationship. We got secretly married, and I converted to Islam because of him. He told me that because of his religion he cannot be with a non-muslim woman and they had to have a "nikah" which was a "contract" between them. I again ( blinded by... stupidity) agreed. I thought i could come out of it whenever I wanted.

 

I agreed with everything he wanted , and I steered clear of him on the days he was with his kid, even though we texted back and forth through the day. A month into things, I went to see him at his place and he insisted on dropping me home that night. I didn't think much of it. After sex, about 1am, he said he was tired and I should get a cab. Normally I stayed over, but she was coming over in the morning and he didn't want me to meet, her.

I felt angry. ashamed . I felt used. I felt like a prostitute.

 

I left his place and i vowed in myself never to step foot in there again. the week after that I was a sleepless wreck, my emotions were all over the place, i had this haunting feeling that something was wrong. I tried to suppress my anger at the way i was treated. I went from a clean , near-vegan diet, doing daily yoga, and started to eat lots of ice-cream, smoked cigarettes and gained weight...it felt like a war zone in my mind..I saw him again and things were strained between us.. we had an argument.. and three days later he broke up with me..

 

 

I feel like because of the secret marriage, i feel intertwined with him in a way I have never felt with another man. I know I risk sounding silly here,.... Ive been a wreck ever since. I feel like before I met him, i was on a healing/self love journey. I journaled daily, did lots of yoga, ate clean, lost lots of weight and I was starting to feel open and free on the inside. I do not blame him, I blame myself for getting into such a mess.

 

Ive been made to feel like an obsessive fool, but he was the one who chased hard, I had no self esteem to assert my own needs and wants. After the breakup, I still have to face him at work, I tried everything, from being aloof and distant, to pouring out my heart and emotions to him. I tried seducing him, I tried ignoring him. He still flirted with me and made references to our past sexual escapades but always reminded me that we were no longer together.

Last week we were speaking in which he started to apologise for everything. I didn't say anything in return, Later I asked him if according to Islam we were divorced properly, because I wanted to move on. He said .. "you are free". Since then, he ignores me and barges past me at work. my heart sinks when I see him. One side of me feels like i have done something wrong. I thought we could still be friends.. at least civil. But he looks through me and Igores me. Why should it matter? how have i given myself away so much that I have nothing left? When did he become God?

 

I have since renounced Islam because I did it for him not out of a personal conviction. and even though I started to want to be a practicing muslim , even after our break, i don't want to be involved in a religion where a man is allowed to treat a woman like that. I have since gone back to Christianity.

 

I feel like I am incapable of healthy relationships and healthy communication. I always end up in situations where I am used and abused. I find it hard to even recognise my own feelings and even harder to communicate them so I either shut down and implode or I act out.

 

All of my current relationships are a wreck because I am just so depressed and empty inside, I feel like I have lost a part of myself.

I also feel like I am unable to recognise when I am loved.

i am insecure and I have never felt loved. I find it hard to imagine that someone would think of me and feel love in their hearts. I find it hard to believe in love.. so I wreck things... I make it hard for people to stay or I chose the wrong ones.

I also can't recognise when to stop.. where my limits are..

 

I am a mess right now and I am ashamed of who I have become. I don't sleep, i am overweight again, i am depressed, I put on a semi happy face fro the world. but inside i am dying.

 

 

help.

[abitbroken]

I highly suggest counseling. You have very low self esteem if you think you are only good enough for a "secret arrangement" and do things against your personal conviction just to have someone. There is no such thing as a "secret marriage". you can get married without telling relatives, but all lawful marriages are recorded and I hope you know the "marriage" was just a sham arrangement to have sex with you - he is very likely still married to the mother of his child.

 

I also highly suggest that you look for another job so that you can get away from him.

[Cocoapetal]

Hi

Thanks for your reply.

Yes he had no intentions of staying, he promised the world, but he had no intentions. It was just sex.

Yes I have returned to counselling. I was seeing a coach/councellor and it ended terribly. So i took some time away from coaching/councelling. After the breakup, I have now found a female counsellor who feels like I am replaying my childhood out. It feels like there so so much to be "fixed".. I'm so tired.

[Cocoapetal]

Reading my own post makes me realise how low my self esteem actually is to have allowed all this to happen. it is disheartening to see because i do have good qualities and i am book-smart but not people-smart

[abitbroken]

Reading my own post makes me realise how low my self esteem actually is to have allowed all this to happen. it is disheartening to see because i do have good qualities and i am book-smart but not people-smart

 

Its not about being "people smart." There are plenty of people who have social anxiety who have positive self esteem - they might not know how to ask someone out successfully unless they have known someone awhile, but they have firm boundaries and self preservation. Learning to have boundaries is something to work on. And maybe find a counselor who believes in personal responsibility and forward thinking - how you can problem solve in the now vs dwelling on childhood.