I want him back, but first I need to heal

[Youngbird]

Me and my now exboyfriend were everything to eachother. We were eachothers best friend, support, lovers, shoulder to cry on, you name it.. But 1 1/2 month ago, we broke up. We were together for almost two years, and the relationship was filled with love and trust and we had (have) a deep connection. I never imagined that it would end. I saw my future with him, and I know he saw one with me.

But we are young. I'm 20 and he is 18. I think we got too close too soon. He felt so much pressure in the end.

The reason that we broke up is because of pressure from work/school on both of us. I got depressed and at one point we stopped communicating. The last month or so I was irritated at him because I thought he took me for granted, but I realise now that it was me that took him for granted. I feel so bad and would do anything to change the last months we were together, but I can't. I have apologised to him and he knows that I have realised my mistakes and I have learned from them. I will never let my negative thoughts ruin me again. I am more conscious in my mood and can tell myself when I'm acting stupid. I working on myself everyday to become a more independed and confident girl.

We ended on good terms. I have been doing NC/LC ever since. He has texted me a few times to ask me how I was doing and I texted him once a few days ago to ask him how he (and his dog) was. We actually had a nice conversation.

When we broke up he told me that his feelings had changed when I was almost constantly in a bad mood, making him feel guilty. I can't blame him for that. But he said he didn't want to loose me, because he cares about me and he knows how much I have done for him. I respected his feelings and I understand were he is coming from. I wish it didn't end, but it was the only option at the time. He had given up on us getting better. I'm giving him space, because that is what he needs. Space to be free and act his age. He is the nicest guy I know and he is so scrupulous. I love him so much. I have always thought that we are ment to be. I hope so intensly that we will find eachother again. Our love was so strong, but we got too invested in eachother and strangled the relationship. I lost myself and I'm now finding myself again. So is he. When we meet again I want him to see the change in me. I have met his mother (the wisest person I know), and she said that she sees a spark in my eyes that she has not seen in a while. I do feel much stronger, but it still a long way to go. I'm still learning to love and trust myself.

Can someone give me some advice? In getting stronger? Please don't just tell me to move on. I know that I have to. I have read alot of Getting back together stories on this site, and it has really helped.

 

And sorry about my english, it is not my first language.

[angrythoughts]

If you want to get stronger then don't even consider getting back a priority. It may or may not happen. Each situation is unique.

 

You'll basically have to focus on yourself and hangout with your friends. Live your life without him and over time you'll move on.

[Andrina]

You have to lead a fulfilling life solo to be a potentially good partner. That means keeping up with hobbies/interests. Meeting regularly with girlfriends. Preparing yourself for a good career.

 

Making one person the sole center of your universe is smothering and unhealthy. You're a far more interesting person when you have an independent life BESIDES a partner. If you don't have a hobby, find your passion. Some people write stories or like to be in group discussions about books. Some people like to be on a sports team. Some like painting, dancing, gardening, kayaking, bicycling, woodworking, pottery, jewelry making. The right person will want to share your joy, because you will be an independent person who will be okay with or without him. Now that's what will draw people to you.

[Youngbird]

I know you are right. I have neglected myself. I have hobbies, and I'm finding new ones. I'm getting closer to my friends and I'm also getting new friends. One of the problems was that I was depended on him. I was searching for confirmation and happiness in other people. But I have to find that in myself. My happiness is desided by me, and not the people around me. What makes me sad is that it cost me a great relationship to figure that out..

[Wiseman2]

He sounds too young and immature for what you wanted and needed freedom more than being in a relationship. It cost you nothing because now you can move on and find guys on the same page.

I know you are right. I have neglected myself. I have hobbies, and I'm finding new ones. I'm getting closer to my friends and I'm also getting new friends. One of the problems was that I was depended on him. I was searching for confirmation and happiness in other people. But I have to find that in myself. My happiness is desided by me, and not the people around me. What makes me sad is that it cost me a great relationship to figure that out..

[BloodOrange]

I was feeling really down and came on here in search of some comfort- your post was the first thing I saw and wow.

I'm kind of going through a similar situation right now, realizing that I took someone for granted, working on myself and trying to build a stronger/happier me.

Like you, he knows that I realize it and that it was my lack of self-esteem/unresolved issues that caused a lot of my behaviors (depression, lack of energy or will to do anything fun) but I still feel so bad for the things I missed out on with him. That I drove him away and am a bad person. But then he had his issues too though, that he needed to figure out and grow from... Did yours?

I don't think it's ever 100% one person's fault... there are parts of him, even without your actions, that must have felt the need to figure things out for himself. When you get together so young, it's almost inevitable... It sounds like it broke apart at a good point- in a kind way- the best chance you have for it to work out in the end. I do think though, that we have to try our best to heal and let go completely of the old to be able to allow for anything new. The two people who may come together in the future will be different people... who are maybe even more suited for each other!

 

I've been reading many getting back together stories too... and I really think you're on a really good path. Ultimately, whether it's him or not, you need to be your best self to attract the right person for you.

You have a super mature and proactive outlook on everything... and I don't think there was any other way to learn this lesson than the way it happened. I know depression/unhapiness and in the moment you're doing the best you can with what you have. Forgive yourself... you can't know what you know until you KNOW it. This lesson cost you now so that you could have many more treasures in the future (probably sooner than you think...

[Youngbird]

Yes, he also has his issues that he needs to work on. And according to his mother, he is working on them.

I'm glad you found some comfort in my story

Thank you for your kind words. It really warms my heart.

[No1]

He is not the one you are supposed to be with. How do you know when you heal if you really want him? What Im saying is that you must keep an open mind about other people out there in the world. You had a good time with your X, made memories but its over. I know you dont want to hear time to move on so Ill say, turn the page, time for a new chapter, look in another direction. Either way, you will find happiness again. But it could be with someone else.

[MickeyMoo]

How long has it been now since you last spoke?

[Youngbird]

We talked (texted) about 4 days ago when I texted him just to ask how he was. But we haven't spoken face-to-face properly since we broke up.

[Youngbird]

I know that I have to move on and open my heart to new possibilities, but it's difficult. But I'm really trying.

[MickeyMoo]

I think if you could you would have a better understanding of where you are at. Things were over for us but we spoke about everything, every issue and both of us agreed we were feeling better about things.

Does he have anything of yours at his house you would want back? You could ask so it gives you an excuse, if not just ask him if he can make time so you guys can have a chat and let him give you a time as to when.

[Youngbird]

We agreed to meet, and agreed that he had to ask me the first time. Walk with the dogs or something like that. I know that we will meet in the near future, but I also know that he has been really buzy lately. But I don't really know. I will probably ask him in a few weeks if he doesn't

[Youngbird]

I forgot to add this: It's boths first serious relationship, so we don't have any expirience. (and we were eachothers first everything)

[No1]

This whole "first" thing.. is really really overrated and in time, you just wont care. You think you are going to be 55yrs old crying over your first? You will probably never forget your first, but your first doesnt mean your best.