Struggling big-time today

[twentysix]

Today I started packing up my stuff into boxes. I move out from my boyfriend (fiancé) of over 6 years on Saturday.

 

A little background is that my boyfriend (we're both 26) sat down to talk to me at the end of December to break up with me. The initial reason was lack of attraction due to some alcohol problems I had at the time. We separated for 2 weeks and then he came back, but it hasn't been the same. I haven't had a drink in over 40 days so this isn't currently an issue. He doesn't have any fears of me going back to the way I was, he admits this isn't a factor anymore so please try and disregard the alcohol issue for now.

 

How he's currently feeling is that he "doesn't know what he wants". He loves me but he's not sure what that love means anymore. He says that he's not sure what it is anymore, but that time apart may do the world of good. I've asked him where he envisions us in the future, and he says hopefully back together after some time apart, working on ourselves, missing each other and him getting his head straight about what he really wants. I'm trying not to dwell on this though.

 

As I'm packing up my things, I'm noticing that I'm not as SAD about this situation as I am ANGRY. I'm angry at him. He proposed to me four months ago, and this is where we are at now. Everyone we know always says we are such a great couple, the perfect match. Everyone is as confused as I am about this situation. I'm angry that I have to move out and start over. I'm angry that he is choosing to risk loosing everything after the 6 years we have been together. I'm angry that I feel this way. I never thought I would be here. When he asked me to marry him, I thought that was going to be it. I never thought I would be having to write any of this.

 

It was all so out of the blue. For me. He had obviously been thinking about this for a long time. I'm frustrated that I've done everything I can since then to try and turn things around, and he's been so closed off. Right up until a week ago when I told him that I was moving out. I just couldn't take it anymore. The lack of intimacy, the absence when we were supposed to be working things out. And ever since I told him I'm moving out, he's changed. He hugs me more. He is more consiterate. Could it be because the pressure is gone? He's made no objections to me moving out and still thinks that it's for the best, but why is he showing affection now when I'm moving out in 6 days?

 

Maybe being seperate will be good for us. Give us a chance to do some things on our own, give us a chance to breathe and miss being in each others lives.

 

As much as I know this, I'm just so angry.

[chitown9]

To me, it seems like he is afraid to make the big leap into marriage and all that that entails. I do not think it has anything to do with you in a sense because I think he would have this knee jerk reaction to any one. If I were in your shoes I would act like it did not bother me a bit and I would not show one bit of sadness about this separation. Instead, have yourself a gay and happy life as a single woman, because that is what you are, and he has no one to blame for that but himself and his reluctance to go forward with the marriage that was planned. Have the time of your life. chi

[Ms Darcy]

I think the drinking issue is relevant in that it made him, in addition to other things probably, change his mind about a future with you. Once that light switch turns off, it's not something he can even control in turning back on.

 

I hope it's of some comfort to you that you are young. Because you really are! I didn't marry until well after 30. There is soo much life you have to life and experience you need to have in life. I know it's hard but you will heal and come out better on the other side.

[lostlove76]

I'm so sorry this is happening. It sounds to me like he's experiencing cold feet about getting married. I would agree that he's now being more affectionate since the pressure has been dialed back, but he also doesn't want to lose you. I agree with chi that it's probably more about him than about you. If you move out and give him complete space, he'll probably soon enough be asking you back. But if he has commitment fears, then the same thing could happen all over again. I would be hurt and angry too

[DrkHrt]

Twentysix, your situation is different to mine but there are some direct parallels so I want to understand the situation better, and advice you in a way so that you don't have to lose someone you love.

Other than the two weeks you mentioned, have you had any other breakups/breaks with him during the six years?

My partner and I, after 4 years, just broke up for the third time. He left me, and each and every time it has been his choice. Not to mention the 'breaks' and the rough patches inbetween.

I know I can be a nightmare, and like you, when I would 'play along' and make him think I'm accepting his need for space, he would be much nicer to me than if I did the typical begging and pleading.

However, after a certain amount of time of me not contacting HIM, every single time he would come running right back.

The problem is, every time he came back, I would get 'comfortable', and forget the issues that led to the breakup(s) in the first place. When you don't ever believe someone will truly leave, it's easy to forget what brought you to these problem phases in the first place. This time, however, he is adamant he wants out for good, because I didn't show the 'change' he wanted since the last breakup.

Now, everyone will have their own opinion on your situation. Most people will tell you to forget his ass and do you, but I don't agree with that. Nowadays everyone is giving up on their relationships. And I don't believe it is necessary.

If you have a chance, which, I get the impression you still do, take some time to be honest with yourself. Explore, besides the alcohol, what it may be that is making him pull away. Give him the 'space' he craves. Invest in yourself. Make yourself look better (guys don't ignore these things). Sure enough, if you enforce absolute No Contact for some time, he is likely to come to his senses.

However, if he is simply the kind of person who cannot do commitment, you will not be able to sway his mind either way.

In my situation, I did not learn from my OWN mistakes. I did not truly take on board the things he said had bothered him, and now he's leaving, for good. If you can avoid it, enforce these steps. Good luck!

[Matt3939]

Congratulations on the 40 days if anything keep that up. I understand I moved out 6 months after I asked a girl to marry me. I never asked anyone and thought we would be together always. Never having to date again. But so is life. Since the door is still open I'd take this time for you. See how you feel about the whole relationship once you can look at it from a bit of an outside perspective. Good luck

[twentysix]

Other than the two weeks you mentioned, have you had any other breakups/breaks with him during the six years?

 

No, never. We had arguments before but we never went to sleep angry at each other, we always resolved it before we went to sleep.

 

I've already made a few changes which he is very happy with, however it seems like his head isn't straight right now. So although he likes the changes, he's still not sure what he wants right now. But he says he wants to want us back. If that makes sense?

 

We were both quite consumed by the relationship. He went from living at home with his Dad to moving in with me, so he never really learnt much responsibility for himself. Picking up after himself, groceries, laundry, cleaning. He always relied on someone else to do that for him, his Dad and then myself. He says he thinks being apart will be good for him in the way that he will learn to look after himself. With me, I never really developed many hobbies outside our relationship. I used to write a lot and even that's dropped off the last couple of years. Since we've been going through this though I've joined a yoga class (Tuesday nights) and also learning a new language (Thursday nights). So I'm busier, I've got places to be during the week instead of at home on the balcony... usually with a drink!!

 

He seems like he really needs this time and as hard as it is for me to see it, maybe I do too.

 

I really appreciate your comment, and the fact that you've given me some real HUMAN advice here. Everyone is usually so quick to say get over it and find someone else like people are that dispendable. I don't want to tortute myself over thinking I have a chance when I don't, but we have both actively said that we are NOT necessarily closing the door on us forever, and we both hope that this isn't the end of our story.

[twentysix]

I'm so sorry this is happening. It sounds to me like he's experiencing cold feet about getting married. I would agree that he's now being more affectionate since the pressure has been dialed back, but he also doesn't want to lose you. I agree with chi that it's probably more about him than about you. If you move out and give him complete space, he'll probably soon enough be asking you back. But if he has commitment fears, then the same thing could happen all over again. I would be hurt and angry too

 

Thank you, lostlove. We shall see what happens

[DrkHrt]

Twentysix, Tbh your relationship dynamic doesn't sound that bad. You guys haven't kept breaking up and making up which is good. Also it sounds like you get along relatively well which is always important.

I personally think this sounds salvageable. Like you, I attached myself to the relationship, and lost the ability to be able to have my own identity.

I've learnt, from my own experience, that being too clingy and not allowing each other to do their own activities, socialise separately etc isn't good. Congratulations that you have been taking classes and not drinking, keep it up! As far as the guy is concerned, let him have his time. I don't want to give you false hope but it sounds hopeful that if you just let him get his head straight, he'll hopefully want to continue with the relationship. Don't push or bug him because that will make it worse. Let things breathe between you for a bit. However- don't make the mistake I did. If he DOES come back, don't slip into the old habits that brought you here in the first place. My ex felt it was just too many strikes and I doubt I can ever win him back now. Your situation sounds much more promising

[twentysix]

DrkHrt: thanks for offering your advice, I've just read your posts and I appreciate you offering insight even though you're struggling yourself and going through a very similar thing!

[mbee]

I've been there and understand how angry and hurt you must feel.

 

One of the greatest lessons I've learned is truly loving someone is respecting their decision and letting them go. This is particularly important in our age range (mid-late 20s) as we are all still figuring out who we are, what we want and sorting ourselves out. 6 years is a long time and I can understand how he has doubts.

 

You are both 26 which is young (I'm just a couple years older than you by the way) and I can say I've changed a ton in the last few years. Use this time to sort out the issue with alcohol, get back to taking care of you, doing things you want to do. Go full NC. Give him as much space as he could ever want. Focus on the fact that you had 6 years together and now you need time to find yourselves again. There's a chance you may come back together again but don't dwell on that. What will be will be.

 

And trust me if you were an amazing girlfriend, he will NEVER forget that. He will also never forget how you respected his decision and ultimately want him to be happy, because when you let someone go, you give them the space to find their own happiness.

 

So be angry, go out with your girlfriends, break down and cry if you need to. Whatever you do, leave him alone. He sounds confused and needs time alone to sort out what he wants.

[catfeeder]

I think the drinking issue is relevant in that it made him, in addition to other things probably, change his mind about a future with you. Once that light switch turns off, it's not something he can even control in turning back on.

 

I hope it's of some comfort to you that you are young. Because you really are! I didn't marry until well after 30. There is soo much life you have to life and experience you need to have in life. I know it's hard but you will heal and come out better on the other side.

 

This was exactly my thinking as I read your post, OP. Drinking can cause more damage to a relationship than we're aware of because it gives us tunnel vision. Someone can still love us in a familial sense while no longer being attracted to us as a partner. I'd move out, move on, and trust that if you're a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday--but you'll both need to reach that place on your own.

 

Head high.

[lostlove76]

Hi again. I wanted to come back and recommend a book: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It's an oldie, a classic. Totally worth the read. It taught me SO much about why men pull away, and what to do when that happens. It talks about how they sort through problems on their own, and how we need to give them the space to do so. There's also a chapter about the uncertainty stage; I can't remember during which time period of a relationship this typically occurs, but it may be relevant to your situation in some way. If you don't want to buy the book, you can google and find a lot of info. The author is John Gray.

[twentysix]

Hi again. I wanted to come back and recommend a book: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It's an oldie, a classic. Totally worth the read. It taught me SO much about why men pull away, and what to do when that happens. It talks about how they sort through problems on their own, and how we need to give them the space to do so. There's also a chapter about the uncertainty stage; I can't remember during which time period of a relationship this typically occurs, but it may be relevant to your situation in some way. If you don't want to buy the book, you can google and find a lot of info. The author is John Gray.

 

Thanks so much for the recommendation! I've heard about that book I'll check it out x

[twentysix]

Thanks everyone for all your replies, advice, kind words and support. A great community on here.

 

He's gone up to his Dads tonight, and says he will stay 2-3 nights, his Dad lives about 1.5 hours from our place. I'm not sure why the decision to stay up there with him during my last few days in our house. I asked him and he said there's no reason, he just hasn't seen his Dad in 2 months and he's been working a lot and his Dad has been away (which is true) but I'm assuming part of it also is so he doesn't need to spend the whole week with me knowing I'm leaving on Saturday. He says this isn't the case and he will be back on Thursday, but I don't know. I know he has a lot of guilt over this. I guess there will be a short period of NC even before I move out!