Tug of War

[maaraishuk]

I feel like we play tug of war with each other and we both are losing.

 

he wants to have lots of time with his family. i work weekends, and if i don't work we can't afford to feed a lavish lifestyle of private education, luxury holidays etc.

he alone earns very well, but we would live modestly on his income.

 

so i chip in to work hard to help achieve a common goal, of private education for our kids, bigger house, my own expenses etc.

 

the children are his responsibility on the weekends. but i feel he can be so childish sometimes. for example, his parents returning from holiday. our child is unwell, but i had to beg him to take her to the Docs this morning instead of doing the airport run. he sent his brother, and told me to go to work, and he would take care of them. but i felt so guilty doing this. like almost as if i did something wrong.

 

our child has been sick for 10 days, temp last night, vomited this morning while i was getting them ready before i went to work. of course i panicked. either i cancel to take her and he does his airport run. or he mans up to responsibility and takes her.

 

he took her, but since has the hump with me and im getting the silent treatment.

 

truth be told, he knows i wasnt happy about him going when i feel his responsibility lies with the kids, rather than the kids getting dropped off somewhere. he has siblings who are free on the weekends, with partners to look after their children, so they can easily go. we however, have a different arrangement. i work all weekend, so he sees to the kids.

 

i during the week, want to see my mum but i put the children first.

 

he at any opportunity of me not being home, drops everything to go see his parents for hours on end.

 

i feel it's childish behaviour. he uses prayers as an excuse to leave the house. but will only attend the place of worship 3 doors down from his parents. not the 10 others he passes on the way getting there. or the closest one to our home.

 

it's a critical case of tug of war.

 

if i dont work, 'u dont work, so u cant expect a lavish lifestyle or private education'

when i do work and slog my guts out, 'u cant dictate what the kids do and dont do'

 

it's turning into games. we prior to his parents returning, agreed sundays would be a home-day for our children, as they are out all week at school, and saturdays can be a grandparents day whilst im at work.

 

now i feel to spite me, he will take them there tomorrow.

 

he probably thinks im the worst wife in the world, trying to control his actions. but if he had it his way, we would have a party at our house every night. he's so family orientated. im not.

[Hollyj]

I again, suggest some marital counseling.

[Hollyj]

"5 year Marriage a Mess because of me

Some of you may remember me as i have posted previously

 

me and my husband have only ever argued about one thing...his family. I have continuously controlled and hated his bond with them, and how close/attached he is to his parents.

 

we have never argued about anything else..but 'how often he goes' 'how close he is to them' 'how he selflessly helps them all'

 

he tries to balance and manage all his relationships, so sees them every day but knows i don't like having the over often.

 

today is the 16th day at work i have done non stop. it's been hard as i'm away from my very young children, have work pressure and it's been very tiring.

 

end of last week, i came home for an hour to quickly see the kids (he was off work that day looking after them) to find his parents at our house.

 

this infuriated me, so much so i went upstairs after saying hello.

he came in a few times to ask me about my day, but i kept pushing him asking him why he invited them when he knows i'm tired, and have had a long day at work.

 

he kept telling me to calm down and not stress.

 

they left very quickly, sensing perhaps they were not wanted. i was very rude which i am ashamed of.

 

after they left, i then went downstairs and had a go at my husband for being inconsiderate inviting them over when im working, and tired. he doesnt understand where i am coming from saying 'if i invited them at 11pm id understand your frustration'

 

i then had a go at him about the fact i have to work, and almost blamed him for me having to work.

 

we haven't really spoken since then.

 

we exchanged a couple of text, instigated by me telling him im embarrassed about how i behaved and the work pressure is too much at the moment.

 

he replied saying he finds me increasingly selfish, ungrateful and disrespectful. that i have been rude to his parents second time, they have come in a couple of months. that i need to take a look at myself. and he finds it hard to forgive me for how i behaved towards his parents.

 

i went to drop the kids off to his mum's a day later, and she was really kind and nice to me..as though nothing happened that day when they came over. she was actually very sweet.

 

which makes me feel all the more worse. i'm not sure why i get so worked up over silly things, and then continue to take it out on him. he always bends over backwards for me.

 

we haven't really spoken to be honest since this happened. i have made the effort (despite being exhausted from working non stop) on my first day off tomorrow, im inviting everyone over.

 

to be very honest, im not sure how to change.

the same thing happens over and over again."

 

I thought that this should be posted to give the readers a more accurate picture of your marriage.

 

You have been dealing with this for years, but have not attempted to make any positive change.

[j.man]

he's so family orientated. im not.

Why did you get married and have kids then?

[notalady]

I don't understand, what do you have against him seeing his parents? They seem like nice people as you described. What's wrong with doing things for your parents and spending time with them, and having your children spend time with their grand parents? I'm sorry I just don't get it. I'd be really angry if my partner tries to control how often me or my children (not that I have any yet but when I do) see my parents.

[SooSad33]

I agree, marital counselling.. and if he goes to his parents.. for hours.. can he not take them too??

[catfeeder]

Is there a reason you can't find work during the hours he's working and your kids are in school? Then you can care for your children on weekends any way you wish.

 

The man is and will always be close to his parents and siblings. Either you can incorporate that into your life, or you can't. Nagging him about it will only keep you miserable and will not change a thing.

 

Also, I'm not clear why your daughter was ill for a full 10 days before you decided that she needed a doc visit. Your timing does seem deliberately disruptive of husband's plans--you had all week to get her to a doc, and your employer isn't likely to fault you for taking her yourself. If so, it's a part time job that you can replace with a better schedule elsewhere.

[j.man]

Also, I'm not clear why your daughter was ill for a full 10 days before you decided that she needed a doc visit. Your timing does seem deliberately disruptive of husband's plans--you had all week to get her to a doc, and your employer isn't likely to fault you for taking her yourself. If so, it's a part time job that you can replace with a better schedule elsewhere.

Glad this was brought up as it initially went through my mind as well.

 

Sorry if I'm inferring incorrectly, but it sounds like you work the weekends and are at home during the weekdays, in which case it really does look like you passed the buck to your husband rather than doing what's essentially your job during the week and taking your kid to the doc. Seems very arbitrary to draw the line between 9 and 10 days sick.