Why does he have this need to rub it in my face?

[Oceanbreeze]

We broke up last September on amicable terms after one year. I'm 26 and he's 23. While age shouldn't matter, I wonder if it is in this case.

 

We were simply not compatible, no love, no future, no interest in reconciliation (at least I don't). Sure, breakups hurt, but it seems that it hurts me more because it seems like to me he's rubbing it in my face all the time, now he has a new girlfriend. While I did care a lot about him, it just never came to love. So don't understand why this whole break up is just so hard for me, even after almost 6 months. It's ridiculous.

 

My problem is, I'm still stuck with him because we're in the same friends group. We have a group chat where we message each other goofy things. I unfollowed him on FB and never look at his other social media endeavors. So our only connection is the Whatsapp group and sometimes meeting up with friends. I never directly talk to him in either occasions.

 

I'm not the kind of person to intentionally hint stuff based on my own love life to make him jealous or piss him off, because I respect our past relationship and well... It's the mature way to handle things. I just want to be respected as an ex, as a friend as we used to.

 

However, he keeps telling our group his "adventures" through obvious memes. Dropping obvious hints to indicate he has a valentine's date. Sending half naked pictures of his upper body to show off his muscles and how girls are all over him. Talking "big" about his stance on dating (that's a lot of bs coming out of his mouth), while no one actually asked him about it (so random, even during a discussion about Chinese New Year).

 

In my heart I thank my friends for giving him no attention when he does that. However, it's been so long. I can honestly say that I want to feel happy for him, that he found happiness with another, hopefully more compatible, person. It's just that I don't want to explicitly hear his dating stuff in a group thing, as it still stings a bit.

 

Now I'm just freaking myself out that I might be a bit paranoid, because I just read too much into it. I feel... Hurt. Not because he has a new gf, not because he's "over" it. I feel hurt that he doesn't honour my final request to him to "please find a way to be mindful to each other as exes... To be able to give each other time and space" to actually be sincere friends. Now I just see it as him going after me indirectly to just make me feel jealous or something. My close friend even said that he's kinda being a douche bag to me to message these kinds of stuff in a group.

 

It really gets the best of me now Is this immature of me? I don't even know why I'm so frustrated with him, since I am absolutely sure that I don't want him.

[Reflections11]

Naw. It's a normal emotional reaction and I think you are taking it pretty maturely despite the situation.

 

I don't know what you should do, other than branch out to make new friends, and do your best to keep ignoring him (he's obviously trying to get some sort of reaction). But I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

[Oceanbreeze]

I vowed to myself to go solo for a good year to get my sh** together. Quarterlife crisis is hitting pretty much everyone my age around me. Which, in a way, is a comforting thought that I'm not in this alone. Reading books about Buddhism helped me a lot with resolving and accepting my inner conflicted feelings of regret, confusion, anger, sadness and hurt wrt to education choices, career choices and past failed relationships.

 

I was doing great actually. With regards to self improvement, but somehow...it only took this annoying (being emotional here) good for nothing ex 1 lousy minute to mess up my inner peace by messaging three sentences wrt relationships/dating with no context AT ALL. This guy pushes my buttons in so many ways, while I should be totally indifferent.

 

I am doing something wrong here wrt applying mindfulness in my life

[Krankor]

It's normal to feel some jealousy when your ex finds someone new, even if you didn't want to be with that person anymore.

 

Is it possible that his feelings for you were a little stronger than yours for him? If so, that may explain his behavior. I am almost 40 and I know it's immature as all hell, but I really have to fight the urge to throw my new (younger) girlfriend in my old girlfriend's face. But she hurt me. Had it been the other way around, I would feel differently. I'm over her but there's still residual bitterness.

 

So, maybe it's immaturity on his part. Then again, it's also very possible that it has nothing to do with you. Guys do talk about new girls they're seeing and even peacock on social media and it isn't always about throwing anything in an ex-girlfriends face. He may have simply moved on and feels like sharing with his friends. I mean, does he owe it to you to hide any references to other women on social media and basically pretend that he's a monk? If so, for how long?

 

I think your best course of action is to do a better job of blocking him on social media and avoiding him altogether.

[Oceanbreeze]

I think it might be a little resentment towards me.

 

It was a very dysfunctional relationship and I do own my mistakes in it. I never felt safe with him and always had this feeling I was his house maid / mom. I communicated a lot to him what I did and didn't like what he does, apparently it never really processed in his mind.

 

My built up resentment in the relationship, because I didn't felt that I was taken seriously, ended up me attacking his "manlihood" he didn't have. He is just a boy, not a man. Even now I still think of him as an immature boy. And yes, I can be that blunt when I think he's crossing the line (basically wanted to play around with me a week before I caught air of him having a gf??)

 

During my time with him, I was taught (by him) to anticipate him as a very simple minded person. It's incredibly infuriating that I can't predict simple minded people.

 

But really, can you be THAT simple minded. I don't think so.

[Krankor]

Well, attacking his manliness is something he probably does resent. Guys tend not to take to kindly to that. So, it is very possible he's trying to get back at you.

 

I wouldn't spend too much time or mental energy trying to figure out his motives though. Like I said, I'd just do a better job of avoiding him and also work on finding someone new. After 6 months, an ex-boyfriend who you never really loved and didn't even much respect shouldn't still have the power to ruin your day.

[nutbrownhare]

If he's trying to show off his new girlfriend/muscles/anything else which is designed to show what a hero he is... that's a pretty fair indication he's NOT over you. This doesn't necessarily mean he wants the relationship back - but it certainly shows you're on his mind.

 

It all sounds pretty adolescent to me... I wonder how his new girlfriend feels about his chest-beating Tarzan routine. Whatever, if he was pretty immature during the relationship, it stands to reason that he's not going to step up to the plate and act with dignity now.

[Oceanbreeze]

You are right. He shouldn't have this much influence on me. I shouldn't care... I think ít might be because my pride is bruised a lot by his showing off and of course Valentine's Day coming up.

 

It reminded me of last year, where he didn't even bother to do anything for me besides paying the bill (for which he made sure that I knew how much money he didn't have). I offered to split, but he refused, not necessarily because I was the gf, but because he didn't want to look bad as the oldest brother in front of his two younger brothers (we were on a triple date). The envy still stings even now, by experiencing first hand how his brothers actually gave their gfs a small box of chocolates or one rose... I was actually pretty hurt and angry and made sure that he knew that I didn't care about whether he pays or not. But that small things matters more to me, signs that he thought and cared about me. He just laughed and said that he simply forgot...

 

I just don't want to give him the satisfaction to know I actually do react to it. I just vent in my journal, or in this case here. I'm probably pretty jealous, sure I admit, that the things I "taught" him, he's doing it now for his new gf. I feel like a test run...

 

I react so strongly to everything he does (irritating way), I'm beginning to wonder wth is wrong with me and why I can't let go

[nutbrownhare]

Really disliking someone binds you to them as strongly as really liking them. This is why detaching, and forgiveness, are so important; it's not about excusing the other person's actions, it's about releasing their hold on us.

 

Dwelling on all the petty, vindictive, unpleasant things he did while you were together will keep your memories and feelings alive. Let yourself know that he was doing the best he could, given who he is, and let go. Who knows what's going on with his current girlfriend? He didn't want to look bad in front of his brothers, so he made a point of paying for the meal - not his usual self. It could be that all the posing is there to create an effect, too, and is not a reflection of the reality of his relationship.

 

Whatever... your business is not with him, but by living as well as you can and being the best you can - which is the best revenge in the world.

[Oceanbreeze]

Thank you for your perspective.

 

I think I still have a lot to learn about forgiveness and letting go. I read so many things about it. I know the theory by heart. It seems that putting the theory in practice is incredibly difficult...

[Krankor]

OP, I think you have the self-awareness to realize that you have a bit of a petty, vindictive streak, at least in regard to this man, but let me try to give you some perspective.

 

First, you say you resent the idea that what he learned from you another girl may benefit from. So, in other words, you feel as if you were the one who put the "work" in, so you should get the reward. But what "reward" can a man who you didn't love or respect possibly really offer?

 

All relationships that don't work out end up being learning experiences that we take into the next one. Think about it, what you are saying is really "I don't want him, but don't want him to find anyone else, either." Do you expect him to just live and die alone? Have you ever read the fable "The Dog in the Manger?"

 

Maybe he's trying to get to you, or maybe he's just doing what so many guys his age do--peacocking on social media for all of his friends.

 

Unless I missed something, he didn't abuse you, he didn't cheat on you, he didn't rob you or drain your bank account. He just didn't step up in the way you needed because he lacked the maturity to. At worse, he's just kind of a douche. Try to just hope he grows out of it soon and wish him well. From the sounds of it, you weren't always terribly kind to him. Do you want him to resent you forever for that?

 

Find a man, not a boy, (age doesn't have everything to do with it, but at only 26 you may want to stick to your age or a little older) and just keep telling yourself that you're over the last guy and wish him well. If you do see him posting about another girl, say, out loud, "good for him, I hope it works out." You'll start to actually feel that way if you say it enough.

[Oceanbreeze]

I won't deny that I do know I have this petty vindictive streak atm. It's a terrible thing to feel, especially when you know it's wrong, pointless and a waste of energy.

 

I think you misunderstood btw. He can peacock his trophies on his social media accounts whenever he wants. It's his account, who am I to say he can't right? He's doing it in our private group conversation on Whatsapp or irl however, right in my face. That's what's bothering me. It seems that I either have to endure this and keep ignoring him or just go completely cold turkey on my friend group, which I actually... Don't want.

 

We weren't kind to one another, no. He didn't abuse me, fortunately, but did get a grand advantage of me being the older and independent one. He refused to pay at least half the rent of my apartment, because he thinks that I can pay it on my own as I did before. We were living together. You know... Logic, hence not being kind to one another because of the fights over money. So yeah... Kinda drained my bank account here.

 

I realise we both have resentments to one another for many reasons, but apparently, my resentment towards him sits so much deeper. Two things I dislike the most in relationships is dishonesty and money. The triggers are too apparent for me to go ballistic.

 

I will follow your advice. I think I just need more time to heal.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's doing this for his benefit, not yours. To convince himself and others that he's moving on. It can't get to you if you don't let it and were indifferent.

 

After you breakup you can both do whatever you want and certainly not have to tiptoe around in order for an ex not to notice. It's the ex's job to ignore it and move on.

he keeps telling our group his "adventures" through obvious memes. Dropping obvious hints to indicate he has a valentine's date. Sending half naked pictures of his upper body to show off his muscles and how girls are all over him. Talking "big" about his stance on dating