Objective perspective needed

[QueenK]

Hello sweet people,

 

I ended up on your website because I've been trying to make a decision regarding an ex and I've been trying for two weeks now. Now, as I sip my tea and close my journal, I realize that it may be better to ask advice from people who have no other choice but to be objective. Let me break the story down for you real quick:

 

I met my ex when I was 18. We dated for 6 years, which makes me 24 years old. When we were dating for a couple of months he found this list my gay best friend made in my phone, listing everybody I had once kissed. It was a rainy sunday afternoon and he was bored and I forgot he even left it in my phone. It had guys and girls (my friends who I drunk kissed from time to time). Please note this was ALL before I met him. He freaked out about the list because it had some guys who lived in the same city and he wish he had known before hand. This made me extremely insecure. He told me he needed time to think about whether he wanted to stay with me or not. It took him like a week to decide he didn't want to end the relationship, so I spent the years after trying my best to make him more comfortable with "the list" and trying to comfort myself too for feeling so insecure and guilty about it. After all, he didn't feel insecure on purpose. As the relationship went on, I found out he had been texting girls behind my back, lying to me about it and he kept on doing it after he promised he wouldn't. I stayed because I tried to see it as a way of coping with the list. So it became a on again/ off again thing while we were trying to figure stuff out. But in the end, we really, really tried but couldn't stay away from each other. When we were almost 6 years together he confessed to me (on our first vacation ever together) that he had cheated on me when we were together for 3 years. I freaked out and he confessed everything about his feelings, his insecurities and all. When we came home I didn't feel like he was putting in enough effort to make things right and told him to go live at home for a while so I could figure things out. He did amd I started to party a bit with my friends. He couldn't handle that and freaked out on me after one party telling me how " I knew he couldn't handle me going out while dealing with the stress of our relationship" and broke off all contact with me. It leftme broken. After this, he started going out himself. I contacted him trying to get an answer as to why he was doing this to me while going out himself. He just kept on blaiming me for the way he was acting. Eventually I told him to off and have a good insecure life. Now, two months later he wants to go for drinks for "closure". Reading this back, the only reaction I imagine you guys will have is "Are you insane, you crazy, desperate little girl". But after all is said and done, this is still the guy who I have given 6 years of my life to. It's hard to break up fighting and not look back and think "I couldve said or done this or that." Also I can't figure out why he would want closure if we haven't spoken for two months and I can honestly say I am well on my way to full closure. And I am just really curious to see if I can find a way to turn this conversation about what I did around to a poweful statement on how he messed up. So basically, the questions are;

 

1. Do you think I should go?

2. What do you think his reason is to go for drinks?

3. What would you say to take control of the situation and put him in a position where he can not avoid the level of ed in which he ed up?

 

Also, sorry for my english if it's bad, and please be honest, I have a ton of friends who give me excellent advice on everything but maybe all I need is to hear honest opinions of people who have been in this situation in mine or his shoes. Thank you in advance! *Gets more tea to drink while reading your advice*

[gebaird]

1. No, I don't think you should go. Closure is something you find on your own, not from your ex. I worry it will undo the good healing work you've done over the past few months. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.

 

2. Perhaps he wants closure, but perhaps he just needs you to think well of him. He sounds like a bit of a narcissist, or at least a pretty dysfunctional person.

 

3. The fact that you would even write this question tells me you're not ready for this meeting.

[Wiseman2]

This has been on/off and fraught with jealousy, insecurity, cheating and fighting and you've already asked him to move out. Sounds like after 2 mos he may be horny or lonely and want to hookup. Breaking up and moving out is "closure".

[TiredOfDating]

so wait, he found a list regarding guys BEFORE you met. then you turned around and made excuses for his cheating because he was "coping with the list".

 

no. see, he knows he's a cheater. and many times people project their own issues onto others. So he deflected his own issues, and made a big production over a list that essentially means NOTHING, so he can set up an excuse for his own unfaithful behavior. This was never TRULY about the list, it's always been about his shortcomings as a faithful partner. In other words, he would have cheated even if the list never existed. because that's who he is.

[journeynow]

1. No, don't go.

2. Who knows, perhaps he has more blame, more drama, more need for a sense of control or to have the last word.

3. You stay in control of your boundaries, and heal yourself. What he does to heal or not to heal is his business, not yours.

[holistic17]

Firstly, well done for doing so well with your healing in the last 2 months. Sounds like you have come a long way. Good on you! So.....

 

1. Absolutely not! You have no reason to meet him. What's done is done. The past.

2. From what you've said about his behaviour, this "closure" is merely another attempt at control and manipulation of the situation. He will not have changed. And I agree with an above post - he's a narcissist. And they never change. Despite what they try to say to you.

3. If it were me (yes I've done this and it feels incredibly gratifying and freeing!) You dont even need to give it a reply. Just leave it. You owe him nothing. But you could also respond with a blunt no thanks. Say you've moved on and are in a good place. You have no reason to go backwards. Goodbye!

 

You'll feel a lot more healed once you've gotten past this bit as you can move on further with peace in your own mind. That's all that matters. His life is his mess. Not your problem or concern anymore.

[Pretzel]

He had no right to freak out about your list. That is your business, and your past and you are permitted to have a history, that was one major red flag you missed!! He is MASSIVELY insecure and incapable of being in a healthy relationship while he cannot get a grip.

 

I think you deserve better than him. I know it's hard because it was 6 years of your life. But you're still SO young. You'll look back at this and feel glad you moved on. In about a year's time, he will just be another one on your list and you'll have found a more deserving partner!

[Jibralta]

But after all is said and done, this is still the guy who I have given 6 years of my life to.

 

There's a saying, "don't throw good money after bad money," which I think applies here.

 

You wasted a lot of time with this guy. Don't waste more time in the sticky web of manipulation and right-fighting.

 

This should be your stock response to him:

 

have a good insecure life.