tracking your lover?

[hopefulinlove7]

my husband and i just had a baby. he cheated on me 2 years ago with a coworker at his old job. i figured out he was cheating by using "find my iphone". i confronted him and he said he stopped, only for it to continue about another month. i ultimately begged him to stop and eventually he did. i think it went on for 2 months. i went through his cell bills and credit card statements and i'm almost sure that was the time frame. i did find a prepaid phone he was using to communicate with her but he smashed it the second i found it. he has since left that job and began a new one. he has become very friendly with a new girl there and although i have no proof, i feel disconnected from him and he's angry at me when i demand that he leaves find my iphone on. i've read texts between the two of them and i don't think anything is too bad, but he isn't stupid and knows i look though his phone sometimes. i was bothered that while i was in labor and after i gave birth he spent a few hours texting her different things. i've never met her but i feel like i've met everyone else he works with except her for a reason. i insist that he leaves "find my iphone" on his phone. he says i won't build trust and he's not doing anything. he's about ready to turn it off and i don't know what to do. we're arguing daily about it. side note: we have a 3 month old and now he wants to hang out every weekend with the boys and get drunk late night. should i be worried? what do i do? am i wrong for using find my iphone to track him?

[Liraele]

Have you ever heard that saying...

 

A relationship without trust is like a car with 4 flat tires - you can sit in it all you want, but you're never going to get anywhere.

 

?

 

Or something along those lines.

 

You either need to forgive, and trust...or decide you can't and get on with your life.

 

I'd be leaning toward the latter, considering his unwillingness to do something as simple as leaving his location available.

[qwaspolk82]

my husband and i just had a baby. he cheated on me 2 years ago with a coworker at his old job. i figured out he was cheating by using "find my iphone". i confronted him and he said he stopped, only for it to continue about another month. i ultimately begged him to stop and eventually he did. i think it went on for 2 months. i went through his cell bills and credit card statements and i'm almost sure that was the time frame. i did find a prepaid phone he was using to communicate with her but he smashed it the second i found it. he has since left that job and began a new one. he has become very friendly with a new girl there and although i have no proof, i feel disconnected from him and he's angry at me when i demand that he leaves find my iphone on. i've read texts between the two of them and i don't think anything is too bad, but he isn't stupid and knows i look though his phone sometimes. i was bothered that while i was in labor and after i gave birth he spent a few hours texting her different things. i've never met her but i feel like i've met everyone else he works with except her for a reason. i insist that he leaves "find my iphone" on his phone. he says i won't build trust and he's not doing anything. he's about ready to turn it off and i don't know what to do. we're arguing daily about it. side note: we have a 3 month old and now he wants to hang out every weekend with the boys and get drunk late night. should i be worried? what do i do? am i wrong for using find my iphone to track him?

 

Why stay with him if there's no trust? You are just creating a toxic environment for your child. I don't think you're wrong for tracking him down but once you got your proof you should have left.

 

If your husband would rather go out and get drunk then be with his child and his wife, that's his problem. If you've tried to talk to him and he's not receptive I would seriously consider divorce. You need to think what's best for your child.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. All the technology in the world won't stop a determined cheater. He's not a parolee and treating him as such will not engender trust or reassure you.

 

It's a cat and mouse game and for everything you demand there's a way around it. He can leave his phone at work, with a friend, in his car, etc and still go to a motel, so you're fooling yourself big time with all this.

 

It sounds like your marriage is in shambles and it may be best to get marriage counselling and work on that and being a family. This iPhone game will not fix a severely damaged marriage or trust or chronic cheating.

my husband and i just had a baby. he cheated on me 2 years ago with a coworker at his old job. i figured out he was cheating by using "find my iphone". i feel disconnected from him and he's angry at me when i demand that he leaves find my iphone on. i insist that he leaves "find my iphone" on his phone.

[DancingFool]

The thing with cheating is that either you forgive and move past it or you leave him because you can't forgive and move past it.

 

Neither one of you can continue on in a toxic situation where one spouse is playing prison warden and parole officer. Wanting to track his location is just creepy and gets you nowhere as far as the health of your relationship is concerned. On the contrary, it will just make you that much more paranoid. He is supposed to be in the office, but tracker shows him across town. Oh no, he must be doing something bad and your mind will go nuts, despite the fact that there may be a million much more reasonable explanations for why he is in another location. It's really Pandora's box of personal hell.

 

Also, if you are fighting pretty much daily, no surprise that he is avoiding your company and staying out getting drunk instead.

 

If haven't considered it yet, I'd suggest marital counseling to try and resolve your issues and work things out so you two can actually go back to getting along. Failing that or if either one of you isn't willing, unfortunately divorce is in your future one way or another.

[Gary Snyder]

As soon as you start talking about spying and tracking, that means you have a another issue because of his cheating - your trust issues. Trust issues because your love level for him has fallen (and it's it's understandable, I sympathize). The constant helicopter hovering/spying also rubs him the wrong way and erodes his love level toward you. And we all know what happens when couples fall out of love - they throw int he towel. That's a road you don't want to go down.

 

Counseling is recommended. As a couple, you have two issues to address.... your trust, and his cheating. I know your issue is a result of his, and I sympathize. Nevertheless, you now also have your own issue. It is what it is.

 

He has to stop cheating, and you have to eventually calm down and take him at his word. All that the Cheater's show spying stuff will do, is drive the nail further into the coffin; it's not a solution, it just compounds the problem.

 

I hate ultimatums, but cheating is a serious offence. In this case, you have to lay down the law - you and/or the counselor need to tell him point blank: "No more cheating ever, or you will leave." Then you have to work to stop brown-beating him.... even though you want to.

 

If he does not cheat again, your pain will ease and trust will rebuild. But it's going to take time for your emotions to heal, and for you to settle down. He must understand this also, and be patient. But you also have to relax on the hovering hen-pecking. You both have some work to do. If you are willing to do the work, this relationship can be healed and be happy again in the future.

[Andrina]

People who cheat have poor ethics. Why would you think he would change who he inherently was because you begged? You showed him it wasn't a deal breaker for you, since you stayed. Now he's crossing boundaries again by having a close opposite sex friendship. This isn't a man who had a great epiphany and will do everything in his power to make sure your relationship is never on the rocks again.

 

Everyone needs hobbies outside of the relationship, like golfing or martial arts, etc., but drinking at the bars every weekend with buddies is not healthy to maintain a good partnership with a spouse.

 

I'd get the divorce proceedings and child custody arrangements rolling. Concentrate on your child and building your self esteem so you can recognize who a good partner is in the future. You need to cut out people, like cheaters, the first time you see the deal breaker. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

[Hollyj]

Why do you stick around? Your sleuthing is not healthy.

 

I'm sorry, but he does not respect or care about you. Time to respect and care about you and your baby.

[Unreasonable]

The only reason you should be tracking him now is if you don't live in a no-fault divorce state and need evidence of cheating before you divorce him.

 

C'mon now, this is no way to live.