mm222 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I have been with her for 4 years. Her child is just over 4 years old. I met her child when he was an infant. The biological father is not in the picture in any way, shape or form. I have no idea who he is. I have raised her child with her since he was 8 weeks old. I realize this isn't "normal" but do I have the right to know? If not, which honestly I don't want to know because it would just drive me crazy. However, he does not call me dad, because she didnt want him to. Not because "he has a dad" or anything like that. I dont exactly know what it is. Maybe fear that we won't last. Regardless, I treat this child like he is my own flesh and blood and love him more than anything. If I dont have the right to know, which I probably don't because it was before me and knowing would do no good, shouldn't she have the decency to let me have the title that I have earned over the last 4 years. Please be courteous with your responses. I am an adult and respect and appreciate everyone's input. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Girlfriend (32) won't tell me who the father of her child is.. Does it matter? If she told you, "oh, he's name is Joe Smith", Would it change anything? You don't know him. Never met him. Why do you need to know his name? It would just be a name. A faceless person. I don't see the need to know his name because it won't make any difference anyway (imo). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ballerinababe Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 So she told the child that you are not his father and instructed him not to address you as such? How does he address you? Do you live together? Assuming you've essentially raised him for his entire life, the setup does seem a bit strange. Are you planning on getting married? Maybe your girlfriend won't feel comfortable with you in the "dad" role until you marry. Have you discussed this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 She may not want to tell you because it may be painful. Her son may have been conceived under some unfortunate or violent circumstances (like rape) so saying his name may be like giving him a place in her life she doesn't want to give. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Nobody else's opinion matters whether it's okay, or not right, that the boy can't call you dad. It's your feelings about it that matters, and so that's what you have to work with. After four years together, why does she question the possibility of the relationship ending? If you two are solid, are the plans for marriage in the future? If that happens, would you want to adopt him, and what would her thoughts be on this? Since you say knowing who the dad is would drive you crazy, isn't that a good reason she shouldn't tell you? Does she hold you at arms length in other areas of your life? Has she not given you her whole heart? Is she holding back? What does she think of your relationship with her son? Unless you adopt him, you have no rights as to what he calls you. You can only appeal to his mother and let her know how you feel. If she never cares how you feel, is she really the one for you? You don't say anything much about her, so only you know if she's a good partner to you or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I wouldn't let someone call my child (if I had one) dad until we were married. Just my two cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mm222 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Thank you for your response. Great questions. In some ways she does hold me at arms length. She knows how much I love her son. Not knowing who his biological father is isnt the end of the world to me because I may as well be. I know that he is not from the same part of the country. I know very little about him but I know that. I know that she loves me and she knows that I love her 100%. If I'm being honest, I am the one that cares more in the relationship. I would love to marry her, adopt him and live happily ever after. We have discussed getting married. It's certainly a possibility. If I proposed she would probably say yes. Would she give him my last name? O don't think so. What he calls me doesn't really matter to me. "Dad" really only means something to someone that has had a dad in their life. If he called me Jim forever, the name Jim will resonate with him in a positive, endearing way, much like "dad" would for a kid that referred to their dad by that name. I don't get too hung up on that because I know that I am the absolute best father I can be to him and he knows that now, she knows that now and they will both know that forever. What bothers me is her opposition to him calling me dad. Why not let that happen? Why keep that at bay? I'm already filling the role completely. I've literally been there since day 48 of his life. Literally. The writing may very well be on the wall. But if I'm playing devils advocate I could say that while I think she should be perfectly fine with him calling me dad, taking my last name, the whole deal, does that make her wrong for feeling differently? Who's to say what is right and wrong? People feel differently about things sometimes. I wish that werent the case with this but it seems to be. I'm not sure it will ever change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mm222 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Thank you for your response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mm222 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 That is very true. I have considered that. I have no reason to suspect that but sadly I don't know if that is the case or not. Thank you for your response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mm222 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 No she never told him what to call me. However, she did begin referring to me by my name before he could talk so when he started talking that's what he started calling me. We do not live together. We each have our own house. I stay there most nights though I have wanted her to move in with me for quite some time. I have a bigger home with property whereas she lives in a subdivision in town. I would love to marry her. I want to marry her. But sadly I'm not certain that if we got married she would allow him to call me dad. And transitioning from what he calls me now to dad wouldnt be that big of an issue but I dont care so much about what he calls me as much as I care about why she doesnt want him to call me that. Her opposition to it is very, very strange to me and I can't understand it. Hopefully that makes sense. We have discussed getting married but she doesnt want to change his name if we do. For those of you reading this thinking to yourself "buddy, she's just not that into you", you may be right. But as I said in another response, is she wrong for feeling differently than I do about it? Am I wrong for wanting her to do something she isnt comfortable with? Why is my way right and hers not? We have had this discussion numerous times and she just chalks it up to the fact that she doesnt want it that way. So there is my answer: she doesnt want it that way. But getting her to elaborate is literally more difficult than pulling teeth. I apologize for the lengthy reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mm222 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 I agree. It's not so much his name that matters to me. I would not know him as I know he is not from the area. It is the opposition I get from her regarding my title. And it really isnt even whether he calls me dad or not because a name is only significant if you make it so. My issue is why does she keep me at bay in that area when she allows me to do everything else a father does? If someone asks who his dad is I don't want her to say "hes not in the picture or hes not from around here" (because she has never told anyone who it is but has given that answer before). I want her to point at me and say this is his dad. He is the one that changed his diapers, fed him, burped him, plays with him, potty trained him, loves him every single day. He is his dad. But I've never once gotten that respect or acknowledgment and that hurts just to type out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Have you discussed any of this with her in depth? If you got married, would she be open to you adopting him? Once you are married, would she then allow him to call you Dad? At this point in time, (seeing as you are not married), I can understand why she doesn't want him calling you dad - I wouldn't want it either. The only way of getting the answers is to sit down with her and discuss these issues and ask her. If these things are important to you, then you MUST ask and must learn to communicate. Good communication is key in a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Does she know who the father is? Perhaps she's not sure? Is it incest or some other reason she won't speak about it? Why not discuss officially adopting the child if your relationship is stable enough? It doesn't sounds like a family life given the resistance to marriage etc. Bfs/gfs usually get called by their first names, so do most step-parents. Unfortunately you are not a step-parent unless you're married and the child doesn't get your last name unless you legally adopt him.Her child is just over 4 years old. I have raised her child with her since he was 8 weeks old. I treat this child like he is my own flesh and blood and love him more than anything.he does not call me dad, because she didnt want him to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 Maybe the father is married to someone else. Maybe the father doesn't even know she had a baby. Maybe she doesn't actually know who it is; perhaps there are a couple of possibilities. Maybe he doesn't live on the other side of the country at all, but is someone who is still in her life to some degree. I can see why her refusal to give any details makes you wonder. I think she will - at some point - need to be honest about his identity. Not so much for your sake, but for her son's. He is being raised with the knowledge that you aren't his biological father so obviously he will ask where his dad is, sooner or later. I would at least discuss what would happen in the event of marriage, as others have pointed out. What type of future does she envision for you as a couple, and the three of you as a family unit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KantSleep Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 At least call you "stepdad". It's weird and not fair what she is doing to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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